Phew...sister with BPD...it's been a long road

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi, everybody! I'm SO glad to have found this forum. Life in my family is a rollercoaster of emotions and, especially around the holidays, it gets particularly bumpy. I guess I'll start at the beginning.

I am now in my 30s, married and living happily with my husband. My immediate family is unusually close knit. I see my parents/sister multiple times a week, and talk on the phone with my Mom daily. I love my family with all my heart, but I definitely need to learn how to have healthy boundaries.

My sister and I were thick as thieves when we were children. We spent literally all our time together; we could finish each other's sentences, had each other's backs, and shared boundless similar interests. She was my best friend.

At the end of high school, my sister fell into a severe eating disorder that essentially shattered our family. It took two years to get her into inpatient, and we were all irreversibly changed by the experience. Overall, I dealt with major feelings of anger, and still do in fact (some of the time).

Fast forward to now, my sister is physically healthy, married, and had her first baby this year. Mentally/emotionally, she suffers from OCD, anxiety and depression, and is finally coming to terms with the idea that she may have BPD. My mother and my sister have a co-dependency that often leaves me confused, hurt, and frustrated. I know my Mom wants to help her, but it's terrible to watch how cyclical the crises are. They are both suffering and I feel completely helpless.

My sister always gets in a funk in the fall, usually culminating in December around the holidays. Christmas is an unpredictable event, and one that deeply stresses me out. With COVID, the anxiety is ten-fold. I had a huge argument with my sister (and subsequently my mom) where they both got very mean towards me. At this point, I don't know what to do. I love them both dearly, but I don't feel like we will ever be stable again. I also don't want to deal with disrespect for the rest of my life. That being said, I can't lose my family. They mean so much to me. I'm hoping that you all can give me some guidance as to ways I can create healthy boundaries. And is there any way I can nudge my mom and sister toward therapy? My sister has gone to therapy for years and years, but on and off depending on how she's feeling in the moment. She's never fully committed. And now I'm concerned for her son, my nephew. As he grows from baby to toddler, I don't want him to experience any of the trauma that goes along with these stressors.

Thank you in advance for your advice and support! It means the world to me.

[purplesister]

Hi, everybody! I'm SO glad to have found this forum. Life in my family is a rollercoaster of emotions and, especially around the holidays, it gets particularly bumpy. I guess I'll start at the beginning.

I am now in my 30s, married and living happily with my husband. My immediate family is unusually close knit. I see my parents/sister multiple times a week, and talk on the phone with my Mom daily. I love my family with all my heart, but I definitely need to learn how to have healthy boundaries.

My sister and I were thick as thieves when we were children. We spent literally all our time together; we could finish each other's sentences, had each other's backs, and shared boundless similar interests. She was my best friend.

At the end of high school, my sister fell into a severe eating disorder that essentially shattered our family. It took two years to get her into inpatient, and we were all irreversibly changed by the experience. Overall, I dealt with major feelings of anger, and still do in fact (some of the time).

Fast forward to now, my sister is physically healthy, married, and had her first baby this year. Mentally/emotionally, she suffers from OCD, anxiety and depression, and is finally coming to terms with the idea that she may have BPD. My mother and my sister have a co-dependency that often leaves me confused, hurt, and frustrated. I know my Mom wants to help her, but it's terrible to watch how cyclical the crises are. They are both suffering and I feel completely helpless.

My sister always gets in a funk in the fall, usually culminating in December around the holidays. Christmas is an unpredictable event, and one that deeply stresses me out. With COVID, the anxiety is ten-fold. I had a huge argument with my sister (and subsequently my mom) where they both got very mean towards me. At this point, I don't know what to do. I love them both dearly, but I don't feel like we will ever be stable again. I also don't want to deal with disrespect for the rest of my life. That being said, I can't lose my family. They mean so much to me. I'm hoping that you all can give me some guidance as to ways I can create healthy boundaries. And is there any way I can nudge my mom and sister toward therapy? My sister has gone to therapy for years and years, but on and off depending on how she's feeling in the moment. She's never fully committed. And now I'm concerned for her son, my nephew. As he grows from baby to toddler, I don't want him to experience any of the trauma that goes along with these stressors.

Thank you in advance for your advice and support! It means the world to me.

[PearlsBefore]

If your sister is coming to grips with the fact she might be BPD, and is not absolutely opposed to therapy, it sounds like she's in a better place than many pwBPDs. It might be worth gifting her a book like Eggshells or (my personal favorite) Lawson's "Understanding the Borderline Mother" (not technically written for BPDs themselves to read, so only useful for the most self-aware of them; BPD books are incredibly schizophrenic if you'll excuse the mixed-metaphor...half of them are written for BPDs to read "Oh X is real and legitimate and valuable", and the other half are for caretakers "They'll think X is real and legitimate and valuable, and you should lie and tell them this is true" - some of them mix both together oddly making it useless for either party, and the rare few don't go to either extreme.) - you could also look at a couple of children's books like "An Umbrella for Alex", "Millie the Cat has BPD", or (my personal favorite) "Meltdown Moments", etc. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0 is a booklist with reviews from site members.

Now, all of that said, it's always been my personal bias that once you count off three or four mental illnesses, it becomes impossible to even determine you have the right ones - because if she has BPD then maybe that explains away the general anxiety, or if she has OCD+Histrionic, maybe she's not really BPD, etc. You eventually reach a point where you just have to medicate and therapize (I invented a word) the individual symptoms without trying to attach a specific diagnosis to each one. (I believe "Pin the Symptom on the Diagnosis" is a common joke). So whether or not she's BPD, it's likely you'll never know for certain - even if someone says yes, it could be mistaken based on the comorbidities.

The codependency with your mother sounds like one of those "kinda helpful, kinda not" scenarios in that at least it helps ground her in a place she can find...err, let's go ahead and call it "validation". But with a husband and her overly-involved mother, at least you can relax a bit that the pressure is not entirely on your shoulders to get her through this - you can help from the sidelines, but trying to insert yourself to save her once and for all risks blowing up in your face if she "Splits" you and can only see you as either a literal angel or literal demon. It's one of the common reactions of pwBPD specifically towards people who step in to help them.

[beatricex]

hi purplesister,

Welcome.  You mentioned a huge fight, and not being able to handle losing your family.

Something that was very difficult for me, when I was first coming to terms with the Borderline in my life (my Mom), was the idea of giving up all that I thought my family was.  Close (read enmeshed), loyal (read codependent), fierce (read chaotic), etc.

Something my first therapist, cause there were several, told me that I will always remember was, "sometimes your boundary will be a wall." 

Ideas on boundaries may be found by Googling "boundaries" but I think to help you better, we may need some more specifics of this fight, and what exactly it is you feel you will be "losing" by sticking to your value (which is what I assume the fight was about, as nearly every fight with my borderline has been about some value I have).

Not fighting with a borderline is actually pretty easy, you just don't give them any ideas about what you value, and thus nothing to challenge.  Cow-tow to their every need and wish, and things will be golden. 

Please post more, if you like.  really glad you are here
b

p.s. my Mom is also OCD, so that is interesting as I rarely read that here. 

[purplesister]

Thank you both for the awesome responses. I'll try to address both!

My concern is that I'd like to help my sister (and my mom) because this situation makes them so unhappy. My mom is at her wit's end in dealing with my sister's moods, and inevitably they both take out that anger/frustration on someone else (usually me). That's my true motivation for coaxing them into therapy because I'm not sure what other solution there is. I think I may buy one of those books for my mom also to encourage less enabling.

For a couple of weeks now, I've told my family that my husband and I would be seeing his parents and sister on Christmas morning. My sister has not handled COVID particularly well...her anxiety is high and she's very inconsistent about what she feels is safe/unsafe. I told my family about getting together with my in-laws and wanted to set up my family's celebration at an earlier date so there would be no conflict. No one was available until after the holiday. When my family came to find out that my sister-in-law saw her husband's family on Christmas Eve, my mom and sister laid into me for spending time with my SIL and her husband on Christmas. I had no knowledge of my sister-in-law's holiday plans and there was nothing I could do after the fact. I said my husband and I would be willing to wait to celebrate with my family (as in quarantine so everyone would be comfortable). They were so angry that they initially insisted they would celebrate Christmas without us so as not to have to wait two weeks (which means I would miss my nephew's first Christmas). Both my mom and my sister get mean when they get angry, and their comments really hurt me. I don't know how to feel comfortable talking with them or spending time together after how disrespectful they were. And I don't want it to happen again.

[worried_sister]

Hi there,
I feel really connected to your post because I'm the same way with my family and especially my sister. My sister is my best friend; one of my friends is convinced that my sister and I can read each other's minds because we "finish each other's sentences" as you said. Because we're so bonded, it hits that much harder when she's mad at me (she was diagnosed with BPD recently). My mom definitely looks to me for guidance in this situation, and I'm struggling with setting some emotional boundaries right now. Even though I'm super close to my mom and dad, I don't feel comfortable being emotionally added as a third parent to this situation.
I'm 20 right now, so maybe not the best person to help you here, but when I'm overwhelmed I like to write down the big problems and break them down into smaller, manageable ones. Once I have a direction on what I need to do, I can approach it more easily. Now let's say one of your goals is to help someone be open to steadily seeing a therapist. Think about why they don't want to see a therapist, and find ways to get over each smaller obstacle until there are none left. For example, if I am prepared for my mom to say that she doesn't have time for therapy, I can offer to help find time in her schedule, or explain that it doesn't need to be every week if the timing honestly isn't manageable. If she has more of a mental block about it, I would research sources that debunk myths she might have in her head, or find studies that demonstrate the positives of therapy. Think about what she responds to best. Facts and figures? Writing from experts? Real life stories? Logically-explained ideas? Maybe use this to help her see your side.
I honestly don't know if this helps or not, but I want you to know that I hope nothing but the best for you Thank you for sharing