When to try again vs continue protect myself- sibling w/ bpd

[Depression = 72% of members]

I believe my sister has bpd. I have been seeing a therapist for many years now and she was the one to suggest this. The past year we have been in a cycle of drama, nc, and lc. The nc and lc have been initiated by me to protect myself as I could not stand the feeling of constantly wondering when her next attack was coming. It has been very difficult as we were very close until the past year, often in a codependent, unhealthy way where I was trying to help her in a way I now know I cannot. I miss her and I feel hopeless about our future.

Another family member who I respect has been talking with her more recently and is interested in trying to help. We haven’t gotten a chance to talk yet, but he has expressed interest in hearing my side of things and helping to mediate.

 I feel like I want to try this as I would like to get to a place where we are at least on ok terms/ can be with family together without there being tons of tension, but I am nervous because I have tried so many times to reason with her and fix things and feel that it is out of my control. He suggests to approach the situation with an attitude of understand before seeking to be understood. I am open to trying this, but feel scared it could be the wrong move as so much of our history has been her putting the blame on me and others.

Is hearing her out really going to help? Or will it just hurt and trigger me in exchange for a few weeks or months of peace? Would love to hear insight from those who relate to my situation. Thank you!

[Mtnlvr8]

I believe my sister has bpd. I have been seeing a therapist for many years now and she was the one to suggest this. The past year we have been in a cycle of drama, nc, and lc. The nc and lc have been initiated by me to protect myself as I could not stand the feeling of constantly wondering when her next attack was coming. It has been very difficult as we were very close until the past year, often in a codependent, unhealthy way where I was trying to help her in a way I now know I cannot. I miss her and I feel hopeless about our future.

Another family member who I respect has been talking with her more recently and is interested in trying to help. We haven’t gotten a chance to talk yet, but he has expressed interest in hearing my side of things and helping to mediate.

 I feel like I want to try this as I would like to get to a place where we are at least on ok terms/ can be with family together without there being tons of tension, but I am nervous because I have tried so many times to reason with her and fix things and feel that it is out of my control. He suggests to approach the situation with an attitude of understand before seeking to be understood. I am open to trying this, but feel scared it could be the wrong move as so much of our history has been her putting the blame on me and others.

Is hearing her out really going to help? Or will it just hurt and trigger me in exchange for a few weeks or months of peace? Would love to hear insight from those who relate to my situation. Thank you!

[Methuen]

mtnlvr8: based on my experience with my bpd mom, my thought is that this is unlikely to be successful, and more likely to boomerang back at you in ways you can't possibly imagine in advance.  That is my experience.  The exception is if this "other family member" has professional training and expertise with mental illness, but even in this case, your sister is still going to see the person as family, and before everyone realizes what is happening, the "talk" can derail.  It can happen suddenly, and dramatically.

Approaching with an attitude of seeking to understand, before being understood is so logical.  Also caring, and noble.  But unless there is understanding of mental illness and BPD more specifically, along with a large toolbox of communication skills appropriate for navigating a BPD relationship, the train can go off the tracks in unpredictable ways, even when the intentions by everybody are good.

On the other hand, if you and/or the family friend are reflective people, analysis of what happened can also guide you towards different future attempts, and learning or application communication skills in different ways, before trying again.

It's a bit of a risk/benefit gamble. 

If the train did start to go off the tracks, what is the plan to diffuse to avoid chaos erupting?

 

[beatricex]

hi Mtnlvr8,

It depends on what expectations you have of "hearing her out."

There was a time, long ago, I managed to get my BPD'd mom, both my sisters and my younger brother into a therapy session.

It started out OK, we wanted to talk about her emails (the ones that started out "F*CK you all..." - these emails that were penned to all her adult children - and proceeded from there (general email theme, with a lot more f bombs than I care to remember,all went like this.
 Mom:  Why am I not your favorite person in the world?  Why are you not coming to my house for Christmas?  Why are your spouse's parents' your favorite?  WHY WHY WHY) .

My Mom walked out in the first 10 minutes.  She used the excuse that my youngest sister was pregnant and our dialogue "was not appropriate for the unborn child, who could hear and comprehend."

I feel that if you got your own therapist, and stayed clear of good meaning, albeit disillusioned kind relatives, you might fair better.

b

[Mtnlvr8]

Thank you both for your responses. I do feel that it’s unlikely to go well. Each time I reach out or try something new I end up with the same results, but her voice in my head is so strong telling me I am the problem and haven’t done the right things.

As far as diffusing a situation that goes off the rails if(when) that happens, my strategy has been to say that the conversation is no longer productive and we should talk another time. She doesn’t react well, but I feel ok extracting myself at that point.

I think the words about the family member are wise as well. He said something today about how we will need to do “whatever it takes to get on the same page.” He means well, but that comment really bothered me. I think the reality is we may never be on the same page and it’s not for lack of trying. I am open to talking to him a bit, but I don’t think he should be the one to facilitate, as you say.

[Methuen]

He said something today about how we will need to do “whatever it takes to get on the same page.”

Hmm.  I’m not sure that “whatever it takes” is wise.    or  ? That sounds like a person who could be easily manipulated by the pwBPD,, or alternatively, someone who doesn’t have experience with the importance of sometimes needing to set boundaries with BPD.  People mean well, but sometimes the people who think they are helping dont have to live with the consequences if things go bad.

[Mtnlvr8]

Absolutely. I don’t think he really has a full understanding of the situation or any context about bpd.