I need help with my daughter 24 just put a title to her behaviors

[mommydearest]

 
I just had the hardest Christmas weekend ever with my daughter.  We have had issue in the past with her self hatred and anxiety of not being able to either go to work, function or attempt anything new.  This weekend she wrote letters to 4 of us that she was ending her life that she couldn't do this anymore.  She stated she had a plan.  She was doing this because no one loves her, which we all know is not the truth but that is how she feels. I talked to her all day while she finished out at work.  Encouraged her that she has a great life ahead she was a good person full of talent, fun, mystery etc... (those on very good days of taking meds and having a new boyfriend until something goes wrong with him).  anyway I met her at work as she said she was going to kill herself today and to let her do this please.  Her friend my husband the 4 of us who love her and have endured so many outbursts and hurtful things from her.  We begged her just come home with me her mom and we can relax and talk.  She yelled at me and begged me to let her do this she hated her life, she grabbed a switch blade both her friend and I grabbed her arms, she got out of the car pushed me and continued towards the street to go to a place to kill herself.  We called the police and they took her down hard as she was fighting.  They brought her to the hospital and from their she got ugly at the nurse and security was called and she was sent 3 hours away to a behavioral health unit.  My first call from her was that you are dead to me, not my mom.  You have 2 other kids you don't need me.  I am her man support she continued to call me and I reassured her I love her and will fight when she can't for her.  This was not what I wanted to do have her locked up.  She has begged me each day get me out of here.  She has talked to three doctors and tomorrow they believe she is ready to go home.  I have been stepping up my part as to learn about this and how to communicate effectively and gain strategies to help her.  Today I said we are going to help tackle this, she agreed.  I'm afraid for her to go back to her place as she is alone.  For a short time we will be there to help her. Hoping they have her into therapy asap.  She plans to go to work Thursday.  For anyone reading thanks for your time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Shinta]

Sorry to hear about the outburst of self destructive behavior. I applaud you for keeping your message of love and support clear and  being her best Ambassador. not easy when you are not seen as such by her.

I am here to learn too to learn about how to navigate these difficult stormy waters.

Some thoughts I hold on to. ( not easy)

1. Don’t expect “ normal” responses to anything you do. Accept whatever response you get. Don’t react.

2. It’s not about me- even when she makes it about me. It never is about me.

3. Have my own boundaries for where my compassion ends and intolerance starts. Stop shy of that divide.

4. Walk away when you need a breath. You never accomplished much by staying ( except in erratic and  self destructive situations). You will not lose much by leaving. You can come back another day.

[Resiliant]

Hi Mdearest,

Wow - thank you for sharing your story.  It sounds like you had a very trying and traumatic Christmas.   I can imagine you must have been very shaken up.  I hope that your nerves have settled and you are feeling somewhat better now.   Is that right, or maybe I should ask how are you doing?

There are other members here that have been through what you described.  Hopefully you will cross posts somewhere or they will find yours.

Shinta - I really appreciate what you wrote.   Your 4 points are good.   They remind me of the book called the 4 agreements.   I feel like after all these years I have gotten pretty good at the first two points.   The second two are harder.   You really opened my eyes with point #3.   I realize that once I read about BPD and recognized the suffering my line between compassion and intolerance shifted.  Probably way too far and also it has become blurry.  I am going to work on that one.

Best

R

[Beachtime]

mdearest,
What a very difficult situation. I hope you are ok. I hope things improve and stay calmer and that your daughter is doing better. It sounds like you handled it in a very compassionate, loving, supportive and nonenabling way. I can’t imagine how incredibly hard this was for you. It takes a toll emotionally on us parents. I’m right there with you in trying to learn how to communicate more effectively and learn strategies to help my young adult. It is so hard. Sometimes no matter what we do or say it doesn’t seem to matter. I have a lot to learn. Please take really good care of yourself. Your daughter is fortunate to have such a loving, strong and supportive mom.

Shinta, Thank you also for sharing your very helpful 4 points. I really need to reread this often. I too need to work on #3. My boundaries seem to get steamrolled way too often no matter what. What to tolerate and not to tolerate with out making things worse has been so challenging. I am always seeking expert advice on boundaries for YAwBPD that work and hopefully preserve the relationship.