Help with my demanding mom

[Freya918]

Hello al,
I am new here and need help dealing with my BPD mom. No matter what I do, it’s never enough to fill her emotional hole inside.  I talked to her on Christmas Eve and Christmas and have also texted since then with pics etc staying in touch. She is calling and texting asking me to call her every day so she can relive the past when “Christmas week” was a thing and her siblings and their families would converge at my grandparents’ house for extended family time. I get it she is alone and misses her family traditions but I desperately need this week for quiet time rest and recharging, not stressful calls with my mom at her demand. I will not be manipulated into trying to solve her emotional problems. I don’t call and then it makes me the bad guy and she sends more guilt tripping texts and voicemails saying how my silence is so hurtful. She is in denial and is not treated for her BPD and is 84 years old. Any advice for me?
Thanks

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having a mother with BPD. My mother with BPD died last year. Many of us who have mothers with BPD struggle with what you are describing, being unable to meet our mother's unending demands that are so emotionally draining. You are doing what is right for both you and your mother by setting some boundaries about limiting the time you spend with your mom. It is challenging to not let uncomfomfortable feelings about setting boundaries rent too much space in our heads because as children of a mother with BPD we have been so conditioned to ignore our feeelings and cater to our mother's constant episodes of emotional dysregulation. The best piece of advice I can think of right now: Keep reminding yourself that you are a separate person from your mother while observing how your feelings are different from hers, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed by your mother's feelings. There are many members on this board who have similar challenges with their mother with BPD, and like you are experiencing some different challenges because of the pandemic. You are welcome to post as often as you like, and there is no limit on the length of posts. We are here to listen. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful.  

[Notwendy]

I think routine and predictability help.

How often can you manage a phone call? Make a schedule. This way, when your mother demands you call or tries to call, you can say " I am not available right now Mom, but remember we have a call at 3pm tomorrow. I look forward to speaking with you then".

You then both have a boundary for your time- and she also knows a call is in the plans. Saying "no" might make her wonder if you will ever call, but saying "talk to you tomorrow at 3" lets her know you will be calling.

[beatricex]

hi Freya918,
Your mother is 84...so, no teaching an old dog new tricks.  However, something that has worked with my Mom who is 74, is making new traditions.

I am a newlywed, so it's not too much of a stretch.  For example, I warned her well in advance of the holidays, that we would not be availabe around Christmas time, as we would be camping.  There are plenty of spots, 2 or 3 hours away, where one can be "camping" and not have cell service.

In other words, well before the holiday break, I warned her we would be out of pocket.  She was surprisingly quiet this year.  Of course, I have a new husband, and 5 silbings she can call instead of me, so that works to my advantage too.  Not sure what your situation is, but you can always come up with an excuse to be "unavailable" next year.

sometimes we have to get creative, ya know?  for our own piece of mind/sanity

it's ok too

b