Does it ever end?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I find my New Years eve I am sitting here by myself, drinking wine, eating yogurt, with my kids asleep, and it's quiet.  I couldn't be happier to start off the New Year with peace.  I come here tonight with a lot of questions and realizing I am in new territory.  Even on a court monitored app, he still is spewing crazy stupid nonsense.

Xmas day.. I'm going to file child support on myself and an emergency visitation order.

Day after xmas..  I think you've gone insane.  Don't hurt the kids.  Whoever you end up *explicit word*, don't you dare let them hurt the kids.

Dec 29th.. You don't have to do what the judge says.  Stop using them against me.  I will let you go so you can move on and marry your boyfriend.  I'll die without the boys. You're training the boys to hate me.  You probably don't want me to see the kids because you are dating.  If you want to bang someone else, at least have the balls to admit it.  Nobody cares if you are getting plowed.  That judge is horrible.  I'm not your ex, I don't bang kids.  You've gone off the deep end.  You've gone insane.  Do not hurt the kids, I know you think about it.  Start your life with your new man.  I'll find a new woman.  We can share the kids, like normal people.  The next step in the attorney general, but he can overturn the ruling.  You have a record saying you hurt your back.  You can keep trying to put me in jail, but it's not going to happen, because I never did anything. 

I lost count of how many times he has said.. Please stop this, work with me, stop hurting the kids, stop hurting me, can we be friends one day, can you be nice, etc.

I have kept my replies strictly to the kids and very short direct responses.  With the holidays, it's been hard to get things moving with legal, but I know they have my case.  Monday I will try to touch base again.

I just feel that I am spinning down a rabbit hole, going round and round.  He has been doing the same tap dance for months.  Do they ever stop?  Do they ever give up?  Do they ever accept this is their new reality and try to grow from it?  I can see why I have given it so many times before.  It is literally the definition of insanity.

I bought potted flowers and an orchid.  I bought spray painted fake trees and designed a cool shelf.  I found these little things soothing.  It's still a constant battle, but I am trying to find small things to make my life a little brighter.

Happy new years everyone!

[Frankee]

I find my New Years eve I am sitting here by myself, drinking wine, eating yogurt, with my kids asleep, and it's quiet.  I couldn't be happier to start off the New Year with peace.  I come here tonight with a lot of questions and realizing I am in new territory.  Even on a court monitored app, he still is spewing crazy stupid nonsense.

Xmas day.. I'm going to file child support on myself and an emergency visitation order.

Day after xmas..  I think you've gone insane.  Don't hurt the kids.  Whoever you end up *explicit word*, don't you dare let them hurt the kids.

Dec 29th.. You don't have to do what the judge says.  Stop using them against me.  I will let you go so you can move on and marry your boyfriend.  I'll die without the boys. You're training the boys to hate me.  You probably don't want me to see the kids because you are dating.  If you want to bang someone else, at least have the balls to admit it.  Nobody cares if you are getting plowed.  That judge is horrible.  I'm not your ex, I don't bang kids.  You've gone off the deep end.  You've gone insane.  Do not hurt the kids, I know you think about it.  Start your life with your new man.  I'll find a new woman.  We can share the kids, like normal people.  The next step in the attorney general, but he can overturn the ruling.  You have a record saying you hurt your back.  You can keep trying to put me in jail, but it's not going to happen, because I never did anything. 

I lost count of how many times he has said.. Please stop this, work with me, stop hurting the kids, stop hurting me, can we be friends one day, can you be nice, etc.

I have kept my replies strictly to the kids and very short direct responses.  With the holidays, it's been hard to get things moving with legal, but I know they have my case.  Monday I will try to touch base again.

I just feel that I am spinning down a rabbit hole, going round and round.  He has been doing the same tap dance for months.  Do they ever stop?  Do they ever give up?  Do they ever accept this is their new reality and try to grow from it?  I can see why I have given it so many times before.  It is literally the definition of insanity.

I bought potted flowers and an orchid.  I bought spray painted fake trees and designed a cool shelf.  I found these little things soothing.  It's still a constant battle, but I am trying to find small things to make my life a little brighter.

Happy new years everyone!

[formflier]

 

Is all of this on the court monitored app?  Didn't you get a mandate that the only communication is through that?

Sorry you are having to deal with this..

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Well, on the bright side, he’s making his case against himself for you. You don’t have to do anything to show how unstable he is.

Keep taking these steps you’ve been doing to make your world a better place for you and the boys.

It sounds kinda silly, but when I divorced my abuser ex, I decided that I would “marry myself” and treat myself lovingly, the way I’d want a partner to treat me. I bought some kitchen tools to replace the ones he had taken (which were mine in the first place) and thought of them as a wedding gift to myself.

Doing that was a step in a good direction. I realized how much unkindness I had tolerated from him and I was determined from that point on to treat myself well, and to choose the company of others who would be kind to me.

[I Am Redeemed]

My ex eventually stopped harassing me. It took a few months and a new girlfriend for that to happen.

Also, there was no payoff because I refused to take the bait and respond to any of his bs.

He still thinks I left him for another man (nope) and takes no responsibility for his behavior. He's now abusing the new girlfriend who apparently is pretty rough...she put him in the er last year when she busted open his head.

[Frankee]

It's all through a court monitored app.  I honestly thought that majority of it would stop when he knew there would be eyes that could see it.

I think I am slowly finding my happiness again though.  My creative side is coming out.  I had a plain black metal hanging shelf.  I turned into a beautiful silver tree laced lighted white decorative piece.  I bought two red, two white, and two small pink cyclamen potted flowers outside the local grocery store.  I picked the saddest looking flowers, but they had the most little ones that were trying to bud.  I can already see that they are doing better.  I bought decorative shelving paper and turned an old wooden kitchen floor shelf and made it beautiful.

All of this made me smile and happy with myself.  I am rediscovering that I do have a healing touch.  I am taking things that look sad, worn, like it should be thrown away.. and bringing it back to life.  Accepting that about myself is accepting why I stayed with him.  Why I fell in love with him.  I enjoy taking things that otherwise may be discarded and breathing life into it.

Doing that was a step in a good direction. I realized how much unkindness I had tolerated from him and I was determined from that point on to treat myself well, and to choose the company of others who would be kind to me.

I find this what I am currently feeling.  I am starting to really see how much I gave up for him.  How much of myself I lost.  I also noticed that I have found a center of stillness and quiet.  I find that my balance of emotions have gotten easier to maintain and that I am consciously choosing people that only fed my flame.

[Baglady]

Hi Frankee 

I've been on BPD family for 2.5 years now - sometimes posting and sometimes lurking (due to the changing demands of my job) and I feel compelled to say how much your particular journey and level of personal growth really touches and astounds me.  I have simultaneously rooted and feared for you virtually over time and it feels me with so much joy to see you take the reins of your life back bit by bit. 

"There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself."

This quote from the comedian Hannah Gadsby from "Nanette" has kept me going over and over after the breakdown of my abusive marriage to an exBPD.  (Personally, I interpret the word "broken" loosely as severely wounded and I would paraphrase the quote to include the many men on this site too). 

I wish you peace and strength in 2021.  You got this 

Warmly,
B

[MeandThee29]

It gets better because we get better. They may not get better, but we cope better. In time they may decide that it's not worth it any more or get distracted by something or someone for awhile. I had no custody, real estate, or business issues. It should have been simple, but it wasn't.

After the divorce was final (I was no contact during the process), I put down another retainer with a different attorney that had occasionally done work on my case and told my attorney that I'd handle the routine stuff directly with my ex. I was so broke. Ugh. It was like my ex picked up where we left off. I spent the entire retainer in the first month on the drama and my new attorney getting familiar with the case. I put down another retainer. We had to hire a specialist because my attorney was unfamiliar with the legal content that was being contested. I finished the routine stuff.

With more drama and other issues that my ex flared up, I'm still in closeout over a year later. Somewhere along the way, my ex dropped or stopped contacting his attorney. Then we found out that his attorney had actually died. As far as we know, he's pro se, which would explain the flare-ups that an attorney would have buffered. I've had to pay my attorney and/or his paralegal to handle those issues in some ways. Good for me.

But I'm much better at dealing with it. I know what I can handle, and when to bring in the professionals. Sometimes I don't hear from my ex for month or two. When I do, it's blaming and the rest. Thankfully my attorney's paralegal got through by phone to a contact of hers, and supposedly the last order has been approved. I'm not holding my breath until I see the payment letter though.

So yes, even those of us without kid issues feel like it won't ever end. It's been some weeks since I heard from him, so who knows.

[Frankee]

I've been on BPD family for 2.5 years now - sometimes posting and sometimes lurking (due to the changing demands of my job) and I feel compelled to say how much your particular journey and level of personal growth really touches and astounds me.  I have simultaneously rooted and feared for you virtually over time and it feels me with so much joy to see you take the reins of your life back bit by bit. 

"There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself."

I wish you peace and strength in 2021.  You got this 

I really appreciate this, it means a lot to me.  Sometimes I feel that I am just l floating around, but then I look back to where I was, even a year ago and so much has changed. 

It gets better because we get better. They may not get better, but we cope better. In time they may decide that it's not worth it any more or get distracted by something or someone for awhile. I had no custody, real estate, or business issues. It should have been simple, but it wasn't.

But I'm much better at dealing with it. I know what I can handle, and when to bring in the professionals. Sometimes I don't hear from my ex for month or two. When I do, it's blaming and the rest. Thankfully my attorney's paralegal got through by phone to a contact of hers, and supposedly the last order has been approved. I'm not holding my breath until I see the payment letter though.

So yes, even those of us without kid issues feel like it won't ever end. It's been some weeks since I heard from him, so who knows.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with things like that.  It seems they don't get the hint, it is us who has to change.  The only life line he has binding me to him is the kids.  Even though S10 isn't his, he thinks of him and dad and of course S4 is his.  I know that until the day I die, H will be lurking.  I do feel better about how I am handling things, but it is still difficult at time.  We are all human and we have emotions.  One of the slaps to reality is him now denying he even did anything wrong (fracturing my back in January).  I have a strong feeling his attorney he hired has advised him to deny it.  He had until December, but the courts reset for February and I need to find out why.

[ForeverDad]

The one problem with courts — okay there's lots but this one I didn't expect — was continuances.

During my ex's Threat of Dv case she got two continuances (rescheduled court dates) when she and the ADA didn't settle.  During my divorce she got a couple continuances and was trying for her third.

I'm guessing your ex's lawyer asked for a continuance.  The first time, or maybe two, the court and attorneys will extend professional courtesy and grant a new hearing date.  So frustrating but there may be little you can do, at first.  My lawyer had patience when my ex got continuances. But he said that the court gets impatient peeved if that courtesy was abused.

Sure enough, her lawyer filed for another continuance claiming she had a doctor appointment, pain or something.  My lawyer got incensed since she didn't even have to appear, it was just between the court and attorneys anyway.  He was going to file an objection but before he could finish the court rejected it.  They ended up having it by telephone conference.  I was there and saw it all.

Do find out what happened but there may be little you can do for now.  Ask what happened.  Justice, if it even gets served, is often delayed.

[MeandThee29]

I really appreciate this, it means a lot to me.  Sometimes I feel that I am just l floating around, but then I look back to where I was, even a year ago and so much has changed.  I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with things like that.  It seems they don't get the hint, it is us who has to change.

Thank you. I've put a huge amount of effort, time, and money getting out of it plus legal fees which were insane given what had to be done.   Even though my ex initiated it, early in the divorce process I hated having to spill my guts to a stranger and betray someone I loved. I told my attorney how I hated doing that and hated how I felt. He was the philosophical type and told me, "From what I've heard, this has to be. Handle yourself with dignity and self-respect, and afterwards you'll be glad you did." And so that is my truth. I handled myself well through a crazy, burn-the-bridges type of divorce. Likely he saw everything that happened as necessary and doesn't grasp how hard it was on me, but that's why we're divorced.  

[worriedStepmom]

I love your descriptions of what you are creating.  It's such a perfect metaphor for the life you are building for yourself and your children.

You have taken your power back.  You are so much stronger than you were a few months ago.

[Frankee]

I'm guessing your ex's lawyer asked for a continuance.  The first time, or maybe two, the court and attorneys will extend professional courtesy and grant a new hearing date.  So frustrating but there may be little you can do, at first.  My lawyer had patience when my ex got continuances. But he said that the court gets impatient peeved if that courtesy was abused.

Do find out what happened but there may be little you can do for now.  Ask what happened.  Justice, if it even gets served, is often delayed.

I believe this is accurate.  My recent exploit I heard from him is he is flat out denying that he hurt me in any way.  I know that is his attorney advising him to not admitting guilt.  I emailed the prosecutor, inquiring about the reason he got more time.  I am hoping she will give me general information since they are the ones that called me in the first place.

Handle yourself with dignity and self-respect, and afterwards you'll be glad you did." And so that is my truth. I handled myself well through a crazy, burn-the-bridges type of divorce.

Amidst all of the craziness in my own world and the world around me, I find myself handling things pretty well. 

I started going back to the gym.  I started last November, but now getting back to going regularly.  It's going really well and even S10 wants to go to the gym on Saturday to check it out.  I am going to try to get them interested in martial arts, ju-jitsu, karate.. something active.  I think it would be good for them to vent some of that pent up energy and a healthy outlet.  I find the gym has been for me. I am also implementing small healthy changes in my daily life and choices. 

I love your descriptions of what you are creating.  It's such a perfect metaphor for the life you are building for yourself and your children.

You have taken your power back.  You are so much stronger than you were a few months ago.

Thank you   I think as time goes on, I am starting to realize that I finally am free.  I can express myself how I want, I can be silly when I feel like it, I can come and go in my own house as I feel like it, I can lay down or go to sleep when I want (well, depending on the kids Lol), but not have anxiety, I can goof up and finally start laughing at myself instead of telling myself that I am so stupid, I can forget things and be like.. phht, oh well.. instead of, I am such a flake, why can't I get anything right, I am such a screw up. 

I am treating myself with more kindness, patience, understanding, self love, internal happiness, knowing that things will take time to change, having faith in the journey, not speaking so harshly to myself.  I am finally able to give myself the kind of love that I so freely gave away to him.  It's just now, I am getting the rewards back because I am giving it to myself and I appreciate it, more than he ever did.

He may have gotten more time on the case, my divorce process may be dragging, I still am in some weird limbo with all the legal stuff, he may still be spouting of complete garbage that is completely wrong, he may still be able to hurt me or make me angry sometimes with words, but my soul knows that deep down.. I am free.

[B53]

Frankee,

 I love the idea of taking something old or broken and giving it life again.

You are an inspiration for all of us

YOU GO GIRL!

B53