Mom with borderline personality

[cbrknd]

How do others cope? Have been dealing with mother with borderline personality disorder for a long time (is in denial and refuses treatment) I want to cut off all ties, but trying to learn how to cope and deal so that I do not resort to this. It is so emotionally taxing on me to live with someone like this who I cannot predict emotions, constantly threatens suicide with the smallest inconvenience, and if she does something wrong to me, instead of me getting to be upset, it becomes about her and she threatens to kill herself. It is taking a toll on my mental health and I need help.

[PearlsBefore]

[I'm not a doctor, I'm just basing this on 10-40 years experience dealing closely with multiple BPDs ranging from teenagers to the elderly.]

How old are you and your mother approx? Are you living alone with her? Did she go through a traumatic loss in the last five years that she hasn't dealt with in a healthful way? I've got more questions than answers at this point - but I definitely sympathise with your predicament.

Somebody in these forums, R I think, was recently talking about how a lot of us can commiserate with something that sounds terrible like "Yesterday my pwBPD threatened to kill themself and the whole proposal they offered was just so bizarre I had to try not to laugh". Gallows humour sometimes gets us through the trauma we face on an often-daily basis, and "normies" don't understand that we've learned to triage.

If it helps calm your nerves somewhat, assuming she's BPD (you don't mention if she's diagnosed or not; on the forum we usually throw a "d" in front if so, dMom or dSon or dSister, or u/d if not) that while the suicide rate for BPD is approximately 4000% that of the normal population...that still only translates to 10% of Borderlines. And of that 10%, most of them do it before the age of 30. So a 45+ pwBPD is "relatively low risk" - although the fact she's still resorting to those actions at her age suggests she's either one of the small minority of BPDs who devolve with age (which is much more dangerous) or she has something complicating her BPD (hence my question about recent trauma/loss).

1.
If it's pure BPD and it hasn't gotten worse over the last decade but stayed about the same, that's probably your best case scenario with the lowest possibility of actual suicide. She'd likely continue making such threats, may make a few theatrical gestures/attempts, but the largest risk would be that she actually screwed up her efforts to "fake" a suicide and ended up really dying. That's a "very low" risk (by BPD standards).

2.
If there's recent trauma/loss, I'd say it's probably not actually the BPD that's causing the current suicide threats except insofar as the BPD is preventing her from handling her feelings of abandonment/loneliness, which she transfers onto threatening you to make sure you don't leave her (ironically, of course, by pushing you away as often as not). Risk is higher, but the good news is that it's a largely curable risk unlike the previous option - look at some stabilizing medication and therapy or else something like a puppy that will short-circuit her focus for a few months.

3.
Worst case scenario, no recent trauma/loss and she's been steadily declining since her teens, getting worse each year (with possible minor exceptions if she was briefly married, briefly employed, etc). Usually there's physical violence associated with this, I believe, and while it offers the worst prognosis for suicide - it is thankfully relatively rare.



So I'm hoping you're in Camp 1 or Camp 2, since that should help you relax at least a little bit and get some breathing space so you don't feel quite so anxious and on eggshells yourself. If you're in the 3rd Camp, I apologise for probably not helping that anxiety and dread, but I do have experience there as well with only one dBPD close to me and you're welcome to PM me if that's the case. (and of course ask others here for more information - I just keep the more personal details of my own situation to PM)

[cbrknd]

Modified post to PM