Feeling isolated

[Mel’s Mom]

Good afternoon.

My 25 yo daughter, who lived with me, has been diagnosed with BPD and she has decided that she doesn’t like my friends. She has stated that they are no longer welcome in our apartment or she will ”f**k the place up”. I telework most days do I am starting to feel isolated. If I go out or travel out of state to see my father she texts me constantly and demands that I speak with her immediately or come home.
I fimd my self being very resentful of her.
I am trying to set boundaries and bring semi successful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome.  I will first assure you that you are among kindred spirits here. 
I feel your pain.  As a single mother there were times I had to forgo going out of town for fear of what my BPD son would do to the place .  I allowed him to come back home after college graduation and he devolved rapidly .  Couldn't adult.

You have stated you are being semi successful in setting boundaries- would you mind going into more detail on   what has/ is working ?
She has a diagnosis, so does that mean she is getting help?

[PearlsBefore]

 

It sounds like you're in a really frustrating position with her. I'm afraid I don't have many suggestions right now (feeling a bit burned out from dealing with a pwBPD myself just now) but I just wanted to assure you that you're not alone, you're welcome to come rant or seek advice any time, and we're all sending positive thoughts and prayers your direction.

I take it from her constant texts of loneliness, and saying your friends aren't welcome in the apartment anymore, that she doesn't have many friends of her own? If she doesn't work or go to school or have interest in hobbies - does she possibly have relatives who you could ask to "show her around the city" even just once or twice a year per relative? Getting out even if just every so many weeks, might be good for her and help her focus on developing feelings towards other people if she's a shut-in...and relatives are great for "pity-dates". Half of them will be sympathetic to you and do you a favor and take her out to a restaurant or park, and the other half will do it hoping to prove what a better mother they would've been than you...but hey, anything that works, right? 

[beatricex]

hi Mel'smom,
I assume your 25 yo daughter lives with you because she has borderline and I also assume she does not pay rent? 

If she was my kid I'd tell her pretty matter of factly that if she "f's up MY apartment, she's finding a new place to live."  I would also let her know, pretty of matter of factly, that she won't be dictating who I invite to MY house.  Those would be my boundaries, and ya, I'd go ahead and use SET so I would first support, then empathize, before giving her my truth.

It strikes me as really odd when people think that a borderline is somehow fragile, and cannot accept a truth.  They can, that's why they're borderline (border between neurosis and psychosis), not sociopaths.  If they were sociopaths, we'd all have them committed.

Second point you made, she texts you constantly when you're visiting your father.  Any reason she cannot come with you?  Just wondering if that would be the path of least resistance.

Sorry you are going through this, I am hear to listen as open-minded as I can.  Which boundaries are semi-working? 
b

[Mel’s Mom]

Thank you everyone.  Yes my daughter lives with me, no she doesn’t pay rent, go to school or work. She has 2 friends one of which has her own Mental Health struggles snd they see her occasionally. Along with the BPD diagnosis she also is Bi-Polar with Depression and a host of medical issues. Some of her own making.
She has 3 failed suicide attempts, 2 admissions for her mental illness and has cut in the past.
Her father is deceased and her brother (29) tries to help but feels very overwhelmed with her 

The boundaries I have set that seem to be working: no physical violence, no destruction of property and absolutely no raising of her voice.  I also will no longer give her $ if it puts my finances in jeopardy.
I struggle with her demeaning my life choices, putting her father (alcoholic) on a pedestal.
Then after a rant/outburst she feels better and gets angry when I go silent for a day or 2 as I try to recover from the fallout.

I appreciate any guidance.

[PearlsBefore]

Best I can offer is on just one minor point you mentioned, idolizing her father. I'd say you're wrong to roll your eyes or argue or in any way prevent the pedestal. BPD females often have very strange relationships to their fathers (not necessarily anything physical or wrong, just overactive imaginations in childhood, and you'll see many men on this forum discussing their dBPD daughter attacking their romantic interest, etc) - AND Bipolar people at least my experience have a tendency to put abstract people (dead, far away, fictional) on a pedestal. BPD+Bipolar, with a deceased father, it's pretty much a guarantee right out of a textbook; wouldn't matter if he was Stoner on the Couch in True Romance, Hitler or Casanova.

But since he's deceased, the pedestal will likely only do her good, giving her a "hero" (even if you or I think it's a questionable one). Next time you want to short-circuit a misstep that has her spiralling downward, try an anecdote she never knew about her father - the worst kiss you two ever had, or the most embarrassed you ever were in front of him, say something "wonderful" about him and she may be so unprepared as to forget what was upsetting her a moment before. You might even be able to get her interested in a brief one-month "hobby" of making a scrapbook of him, or writing stories from various relatives about him, etc...even if you need to gloss over some of his imperfections or outright lie and claim there was that time you saw him wrestling an alligator

No chance she'd be interested in a telework style job herself? I know a shut-in woman in her age with mental health issues living with her mother, who works typing out subtitles for movies for an online provider - earns her a little spending money and gives her a little boost in dignity. Afford some of her own vices, pleasures and missteps, etc

Lots of positive thoughts going your way though, sounds like a real Glass Menagerie situation going on there - except more with her mental health than physical.

[beatricex]

hi Mel'smom,
Well, I am really just hear to listen, I cannot give any good advice on adult children. 

I am curious what reasons she gave for not liking your friends? 

I have two borderlines in my life, and something pretty consistent is they like to minimize any support system we might have.  They either a) want us to feel as lonely or miserable as they do or b) want to one up us.  I'm not sure which.

Glad you came back.

b

[Swimmy55]

Those are good boundaries and I am so glad she is following those.  
I am just guessing here: she might think you are "hers" , therefor the feeling of abandonment / jealousy/envy when you have friends over.  I think abandonment feelings come up when you go out too.
Hmm.  This will take a while to unfold, but maybe start with communicating with her about her feelings on your friends.  Ask her why.  Reassurances that they can never replace her in your heart.
Here is some suggested reading to peruse through on the SET( support empathy, truth) communication style that may or may not work, but it is a start.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
The empathy part takes a lot of trial and error and it can come across as condescending .It takes a while to be a master of this( I never mastered it ,personally) , but it is a start.  

Patience ...

[Swimmy55]

Thinking some more , I also feel and understand your righteous anger and resentment about this as well.  A boundary does need to be put in place with your daughter about your friends coming over and you being able to leave your apartment,  however maybe the SET method can help draw out some more info from her so you can set the appropriate boundary.  The hopefulness I see here is that she respects your other boundaries you have in place.

In the meantime, it is difficult during covid to be able to " send her out" to do an activity while you are home entertaining your friends, etc... 

[beatricex]

Resentment is one of those strange feelings, it's not good or bad, it just is.

Resentment, what does it really mean?  Someone is stepping all over my boundaries, and I need to do or say something.  Someone is stepping all over my boundaries and I want to crawl into a hole and pretend they are not (sometimes that is just easier).  Someone needs a good dose of Whack a Mole.  I imagine the boundary violator is one of those stupid moles at the arcade, and if I whack them down, they won't show their ugly smug face again. 

That is me and my imagination.

Honestly Mel's Mom, you sound more grounded than I at the moment, your entire first post was uber polite.  All you said is "I find myself being very resentful."

Sheesh, my husband and I have regular blowouts because "I find my adult step daughter to be a b!tch!"    She doesn't even live with us, and my husband is perfectly content with the current NC situation (let her husband and his family deal with her for awhile).  And I keep bringing it up like some gluton for punishment!  Sometimes I wonder if I'm the BPD'd one, since obviously I need this drama and can't let a sleeping dog lie.

That is resentment.   Or maybe I'm just feeling unrestrained. 

I really hope you come back and post more, because I feel like I could learn a lot from you.

Tell me more about her deceased alcholic father, and why the pedastal?  You were obviously the sane one.  (we only need one good parent, I know because my Mom is borderline)

b

[Mel’s Mom]

Good evening everyone,

Thank you for all the responses.   I finally feel like I’m not alone.

My daughter says that my friend insulted her and I didn’t defend her.  She holds grudges and brings them up all the time.

Some days are great snd others I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.

Mel’s Mom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders