Thinking of divorce

[AloneinJapan]

I just started reading "stop walking on eggshells"
Dawning on me that my wife has never loved me.
Made me question if she ever felt my love. (can someone answer this please?)
I didn't take long to decide to marry my wife and red flags went up but she got pregnant. Thinking having a baby would make things a little better/focused, it did the opposite. And a year later, her enmeshed family is preventing me from what I always believed was family. Me against an enmeshed family, is impossible. I believe both my wife and her mother are high functioning BPD.
I didn't realize their crazy action were from an illness until a family friend, going through the same thing, told me to to read eggshells. Am I supposed to try stay in the relationship to eventually protect my child who will begin to speak? My wife is doing a good job now. Should I be worried about this? I'm not reading anything good about how a BPD raises a child on the internet. Can anyone give me advice? Any relatable feelings would just make me feel a little sane. I'm in Japan where there is no such thing as joint custody. So, I have to stay or I lose my daughter to 2 BPD's. Unless someone here who knows how to save my daughter from being raised by 2 BPD's, that would help as well. I don't believe in forcing anyone into getting help but it seems like it's impossible to get my wife into therapy. I know in America, you can say, "My spouse is unfit to raise a child." And I guess the court sends someone to check the person for few days. I don't think there's any of that in Japan as far as the one lawyer I asked.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[globalnomad]

Hey AloneinJapan - We may have a few things in common. I lived in Japan for 8 years in my 20s. Fascinating place! I can imagine the language and cultural differences make your situation even harder. I also rushed into marriage after my wife got pregnant with our first child. The pregnancy and stress of raising a child really turbocharged her BPD tendencies. That said she has been a pretty good mom and the vast majority of her disregulations are aimed at me - not our two children. What type of behaviors are you having most trouble with? Do you have much of a support network in Japan?

[AloneinJapan]

Hey globalnomad thank you very much for your response. Right now her mother is doing everything to keep my wife at the house. So doing all the chores and cooking for her. When we were going to get back together (she was at her parent's house at the time) and making plans for xmas together, her mom started to get very upset, said, "Oh I see so I don't have to plan for you guys to come over for xmas." And basically played the narcissistic victim. What my current situation comes down to is, if my wife leaves the parent's house, her mom becomes alone. So when my wife and I are not on good terms, business is booming for the mother inlaw. My wife called the cops on me and was very very angry if I didn't give her my entire paycheck every month to her. So not only does my wife have our child, she has all of our savings, the police, and her parents "protecting her." I cannot do anything. They literally have me on lock down. And even if I do go and talk which I've tried a few times, I'm just diving in to a bunch of crazy people who will argue around you and throw ridiculous claims that my actions are for a divorce. Basically if I try to protect myself, put a boundary, her and her mother go crazy mad at me and claim it's actions towards a divorce.
I feel like there's literally nothing anyone can say or do to my wife in this current state. "oh so you're saying you want a divorce?" It's just too toxic to even try. My parents are trying to understand the situation and are watching and reading about BPD to help me. My mother just tells me to stop thinking of going back.
What type of behaviors are you having most trouble with?
So basically my wife is a spoiled brat who runs to her NPD mother who takes her side to fill her needs. She is so controlling, even if I were to get back with her, she'll want all the control over the money and never share the account or allow me to hold on to some. My wife always insists her mom be in the same room when we talk and ALWAYS says, "I wasn't going to say anything but..." And the conversation always gets worse from there.
Do you have much of a support network in Japan?
No. I trusted her Uncle who was helping me but he crossed the line when he told his sister (Mother inlaw) stuff he shouldn't be telling her that I told him. He has good intentions but that was too much for me. I don't hold a grudge against him because of how much he's helped but trust was broken and I think asking him for help or advice is no longer appropriate. Studying about BPD is starting to stress me out. I have an online therapist who's helping me deal with my anxieties and my parents are taking my phone call dispite the huge time difference.

Yes My wife takes good care of our 1 year old daughter and I hugely worry about how my immature wife will handle raising her. I know divorce means sole custody and I am looking into all my options. I need to figure out a way to stay in Japan to be with my daughter. Her family just don't care about me and my wife is getting spoiled by her parents. Her parents definitely don't mind her being at the house. Leaving my career in America, saying good bye to a lot of the stuff I owned and friends and family, I moved to Japan, got a job and an apartment and now my wife is raising hell by claiming I'm being too demanding when asking about the bills, asking her to shower at her parent's place when she doesn't live here, and just flipping it to say that I want a divorce.
At first, it was about not wanting her to run to her parents the moment a problem arises and to face our problems together but now, it's this is so toxic, there just needs to have extreme changes before anything serious could be put on the table.
All I can do now is wait for divorce papers and work on myself. Any advice, I would be most grateful, thank you for reading.