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BEBE BEEBEE

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 4


« on: January 05, 2021, 09:58:23 PM »

I have an adult daughter who has BPD. She is still living at home, not working, but taking courses at college. She rarely speaks with any of the family, rarely eats with us, and it feels like she is a boarder in our home. It seems she only speaks to me when she needs something. Is this common with many families?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Tulipps
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« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2021, 03:41:00 PM »

Welcome B  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
You're not alone here!
I can't say the experience with my BPDd is similar, but from what I've learned thus far, there are many different presentations based on co-occurring problems and various other factors. It might be easier for others to weigh in if you feel comfortable sharing more information about your situation, for example, your daughter's age, others in the home, has there been a diagnosis and is your daughter/you/family participating in any treatment?  More information will likely help others provide responses that are relevant. This site is a great resource. Take care. T
 
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BEBE BEEBEE

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2021, 08:36:56 AM »

She is 26, my husband and older son (due to covid)are also at home.  She was diagnosed with "elements" of BPD when she was in her mid teens and was self harming (which she no longer does - at least to my knowledge) She had spent a week at the hospital youth psych ward at that time. This was years ago tho. She has taken online CBT and occasionally speaks to counsellors who specialize in BPD but she can't really get on with them. She's had jobs in the past , one in particular that she liked only because of her boss who was so kind to her, but it was a seasonal position. Now due to covid and the restrictions we have, she is really feeling more down that ever. Out of the rest of the family, she will talk to me as opposed to my son or husband. Now because my husband is not working, just yesterday she said that because he is home, she feels uncomfortable and not as free when it was just her and I at home. They have had their issues in the past but he's apologized for his part in them. I love her dearly and try to be as supportive as I can be. I have stage four cancer and have other health issues to contend with. I see that this post has been seen many times, so maybe i should just read other people's posts instead of posting here? To the one person who responded - thank you.
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Sancho
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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2021, 06:43:22 PM »

No please keep posting! I just read your last post and my heart aches for you and your situation.

My situation is similar. Adult BPD d some some months ago after leaving an abusive relationship. She is also substance dependent - in her room all the time, leaves mess everywhere.

My mind can go round and round and round about what to do, but I always come back to the fact that there isn't anything I can do. So I try to stop the thoughts by deliberately putting other thoughts in my mind.

I think this works to benefit her too. Somehow I think she picks up on my anxiety about her situation and that just makes things worse.

The plan that I try to stick to is:
Keep my mind on something else.
Try to give her space by being out of the room at times when I know she would be likely to be wanting to potter around there.
If she speaks to me I try to respond in a relaxed way without using too many words.
If she rages, I try to stay calm and not respond unless to say 'It is not good for me to respond now while you are so angry'.

The fact that you are so unwell must make all this so much harder. Do you feel under pressure to change things in a certain timeframe.

Lots of thoughts to you!

Ps I know it is difficult when you pour out your heart here and there are not too many responses. Personally I think it is because most people who come here are so under pressure themselves and don't have answers for their own situation - so don't feel they can help others. I might be wrong in this.
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Tulipps
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« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2021, 08:33:14 AM »

Glad you felt comfortable sharing more details. I agree with Sancho and believe there are many reasons people on this site appear to read more than respond. Speaking for myself, it took time to get past the vulnerability, guilt and shame I felt about my situation, but I'm glad I shared for 3 reasons:
(1) The emotional "unloading" was a release of sorts. Not quite a personal inventory, but close enough to stimulate more self-reflection.
(2) The process provided clarity; seeing facts and feelings in print helped identify some blind spots.
(3) Feedback. It's always helpful to hear other points of view and like in any anonymous group setting, one is free to take what they need and leave the rest.

I feel deeply for you in your situation. It's hard enough knowing how to manage oneself with a BPD loved one without having the COVID world and significant health issues of your own to deal with. In the past I've allowed my BPD daughter's dependent and demanding behaviour to isolate me, thereby reducing my own support system. I felt completely alone in my suffering (shame, fear, guilt). The resulting anxiety, stress and lack of sleep took a huge toll. Since confiding more in close friends, putting my phone away and designating uninterrupted time for myself, I've felt better.

Stay strong and as the saying goes, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask first!  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
 
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Resiliant
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married. With adult child relationship can be described as loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
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« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2021, 11:28:12 AM »

Hi Bebe,

Welcome to the group!  Sancho and Tulipps made some great points.

Myself personally, before I had the courage to make my first post in 2019 I read through many posts on this site.   So, if there are others out there like me that will be one reason you might see the read counts grow faster than the replies.

The best part was when I took it to the next level and gave my first response to someone else's post.  I encourage you to try it!  It feels good to talk about this stuff.

I don't have conversations like this with more people in my life, not even my husband.  We have an amazing relationship, and part of keeping it that way is to keep the drama of BPD out of it as much as possible.   This is a place I can come to where I can learn from others.   It would take hours and hours of therapy to give me what I have gained by being here.

My husband and I live a very active lifestyle, and so I only have so much time to spend on this.  And that is likely a good thing too.  He knows this is important to me so he leaves me alone when I tell him I need some time to talk to someone. 

For that reason, I usually only answer posts that spark a thought in my brain and I feel as though I might be able to contribute in some way.   Or maybe a post creates more questions in my head so respond in that way.   Sometimes the next person's post gets me to think differently about what I said and I like that because it helps me to be more open minded.   I appreciate every single person who posts here.

I will say that sometimes I can't let it go when someone has posted and I see zero responses.  Then I feel the need to say something even if I have no answers.   So sorry, yes I saw your post earlier but since Tulipps responded I felt you were "taken care of" and I was waiting for your response. 

I'm sorry to hear about your health issues and struggles with your daughter.  As to your first question whether or not it is common in most families I have to say that my son would be the opposite in that he would always want to eat with us and talk my head off if he lived with us so this is something where I don't have much to offer.  My son actually feels upset that he isn't entitled to joining us in everything we do.

I wish you all the best.

R



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“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

― Charles R. Swindoll
BEBE BEEBEE

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2021, 09:09:13 AM »

thank you to all of your thoughtful replies. i will make an effort to look at the boards and other messages people have written. i truly appreciate you all for reaching out Love it! (click to insert in post)
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Swimmy55
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
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« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2021, 07:24:46 PM »

Welcome BeBe ,
You and your posts are valued here.  We are glad you reached out .  I am terribly sorry for your health struggles.  We hope you can add this forum as part of your network.  As parents to the BPD, we also need our own help and network separate from the BPD. Please write as often here as you have need.
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beatricex
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 547


« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2021, 07:58:31 PM »

hi Bebe BEEBEE,
You said "she feels uncomfortable and not as free when it was just her and I at home...and "They have had their issues in the past."

My step daughter is suspected BPD'd and this resonates with me too. 

In my case, my husband was the one who sympathized with his adult daughter the most.  Before I understood she was likely BPD'd, I thought it strange that others always made her "uncomfortable."  She often requested time alone or holidays with just him and her immediate family - she is married with two young children.  Many times I offered my husband should "hang out with his daughter alone, without me, just the two of them."

Something that I think is important that you said is "they have had issues in the past."  I constantly remind my husband I have never done anything to his daughter, except try to love her and get along with her.  I feel that while it takes two to tango, I can hear her request, while he cannot.  Why force a relationship that is not natural?

Just throwing that out there, because my husband has this idea of a "perfect family" and that's that we all get along...

Well, I know because my Mom is borderline, that this is not possible.  The borderline decides who they like and paint them white, and who they don't and paint them black.  They have "issues" because that's how they survive. 

Maybe the best you can hope for is a daughter that wants alone time with you?

b
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BEBE BEEBEE

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 4


« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2021, 07:36:02 AM »

my husband *who is father to both her and our son* has never really been close to her. our son is close to both of us and i feel close to both our kids equally. i don't think anyone has a perfect family, i certainly didn't growing up.( i had a very difficult youth and realized lately that i might have PTSD  from preventing my dad from strangling my mom when i was 17 and also being sexually assaulted by a stranger shortly after that.) i always wanted to give my kids an easier life than what i had and my husband and i had that same mindset. it's just the four of us as we have absolutely no other family anymore, which hasn't been easy.

i'm sure everyone  is going through tremendous pressure during these covid times. but there is no perfection. only constant learning, empathy, taking care of ourselves first like Tulipps said
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