Is this real life

[Depression = 72% of members]

  my first post was a long one but there is a lot of the background to my relationship written there between me and undiagnosed bf (together 17 years this month).  I am feeling numb after the recent developments and just wondering if anyone else has experienced something along these lines.  We have two bunnies, first was our daughters 4 yr old bday present from him. Got another to keep first one company since they prefer to have a buddy/mate.  He actually bought first bun as a surprise, paid for neutering surgery and adoption of second bun.  Very loving to the little furballs, and always has been with animals in general. He is super protective of kids and animals.   Well, so our daughter loves the buns but dad says she doesn’t spend enough time with them or act like she cares/brush them enough.  I’m thinking okay well shes 4 and on top of that bunnies aren’t a super interactive pet but it wouldn’t be a bad thing for her to hang with them a bit more.  Fast forward to a few nights ago, daughter is on FaceTime with my younger sister, asking her, hey aunt is ur roommate home?  Just general convo of a 4 year old.  Once off the phone, dad (who has been drinking a couple at this point too) asks her- when’s the last time you brushed ur rabbits? You’re over here worried about who’s home at ur aunts but can’t worry about the rabbits at ur own house.- I could sense the egg shells she was stepping on and I lightheartedly say , oh dad she cares about the rabbits.  He didn’t respond.  She finishes what she was doing and says loudly hey mom I got a good idea let’s go brush the rabbits.  I feel sick just replaying the scene in my head, him being critical of our 4 year old and her response trying to please him.  After we go to bed I can hear him moving things and doors opening and shutting etc. I take daughter to school in the morning, head back home and go to feed/litter the buns.  They have a cordoned off 3rd of our basement.  Anyhow, I get down there and their enclosure is open and the litter pan is gone.  My first thought is wtf... bf is still asleep at this point.  I open the door to our back porch (we live in Michigan theres currently snow) and the door to the outside is propped open so that they would escape.  I can’t control my tears at this point and luckily found them huddled together on the porch. I take them back inside and am trying to cope with the realization that he put the rabbits out to die basically. Thank god daughter was at school.  This felt like a whole new level of wrong to me and was the first time in 17 years that something this bad occurred.  It’s usually mood swings, verbal assaults when in a rage and silent treatment here and there and until last week (when she overheard a rage of his at me from her room) not in front of her.  I didn’t even say anything about the rabbits when he woke up as I’m still in shock at that point.  Picked up daughter from school, came home and he was his joyful self, went sledding with dd and he didn’t mention what happened at all. I called therapist, moved my appointment to Wednesday morning, discussed what happened two nights previous with her and she tells me that I should go somewhere safe with daughter and rabbits  because he is escalating now and needs help. I’m feeling like do I not know this person I have loved for so long at all? I, in my heart of hearts don’t think he would hurt us, but then I wouldn’t have believed he could have done that to the buns if I didn’t see it myself.  I feel numb and sick.  I got the rabbits and packed some stuff to stay with fam until new apartments I’ve been looking into for a couple months are ready for tenants.  Witnessing our daughter starting to walk on egg shells and him not wanting to go to therapy when I’ve tried to talk about it has pushed me towards  leaving. But the rabbit thing was like a red warning sign saying GO, something isn’t right!  I texted him that I was going to find a place for the buns until we could move out and implored him to get help because after what he did to the rabbits I fear something is truly in need of professional help, I even mentioned a brain tumor just to get the point across that this is a major personality change and I’m scared.  Told him I love him and I’m here for him but need him to get help before we can come together as a family again.  Thanks for reading, this all occurred this week. I’m just at family’s having trouble sleeping.  Haven’t heard a word from him.  Told daughter that people’s minds get sick just like bodies do sometimes and that we are going to stay with aunt until daddy gets better.  I am just still in shock about the animal cruelty and how that could be, I’m just heartbroken and questioning everything.

[Rollercoasting]

  my first post was a long one but there is a lot of the background to my relationship written there between me and undiagnosed bf (together 17 years this month).  I am feeling numb after the recent developments and just wondering if anyone else has experienced something along these lines.  We have two bunnies, first was our daughters 4 yr old bday present from him. Got another to keep first one company since they prefer to have a buddy/mate.  He actually bought first bun as a surprise, paid for neutering surgery and adoption of second bun.  Very loving to the little furballs, and always has been with animals in general. He is super protective of kids and animals.   Well, so our daughter loves the buns but dad says she doesn’t spend enough time with them or act like she cares/brush them enough.  I’m thinking okay well shes 4 and on top of that bunnies aren’t a super interactive pet but it wouldn’t be a bad thing for her to hang with them a bit more.  Fast forward to a few nights ago, daughter is on FaceTime with my younger sister, asking her, hey aunt is ur roommate home?  Just general convo of a 4 year old.  Once off the phone, dad (who has been drinking a couple at this point too) asks her- when’s the last time you brushed ur rabbits? You’re over here worried about who’s home at ur aunts but can’t worry about the rabbits at ur own house.- I could sense the egg shells she was stepping on and I lightheartedly say , oh dad she cares about the rabbits.  He didn’t respond.  She finishes what she was doing and says loudly hey mom I got a good idea let’s go brush the rabbits.  I feel sick just replaying the scene in my head, him being critical of our 4 year old and her response trying to please him.  After we go to bed I can hear him moving things and doors opening and shutting etc. I take daughter to school in the morning, head back home and go to feed/litter the buns.  They have a cordoned off 3rd of our basement.  Anyhow, I get down there and their enclosure is open and the litter pan is gone.  My first thought is wtf... bf is still asleep at this point.  I open the door to our back porch (we live in Michigan theres currently snow) and the door to the outside is propped open so that they would escape.  I can’t control my tears at this point and luckily found them huddled together on the porch. I take them back inside and am trying to cope with the realization that he put the rabbits out to die basically. Thank god daughter was at school.  This felt like a whole new level of wrong to me and was the first time in 17 years that something this bad occurred.  It’s usually mood swings, verbal assaults when in a rage and silent treatment here and there and until last week (when she overheard a rage of his at me from her room) not in front of her.  I didn’t even say anything about the rabbits when he woke up as I’m still in shock at that point.  Picked up daughter from school, came home and he was his joyful self, went sledding with dd and he didn’t mention what happened at all. I called therapist, moved my appointment to Wednesday morning, discussed what happened two nights previous with her and she tells me that I should go somewhere safe with daughter and rabbits  because he is escalating now and needs help. I’m feeling like do I not know this person I have loved for so long at all? I, in my heart of hearts don’t think he would hurt us, but then I wouldn’t have believed he could have done that to the buns if I didn’t see it myself.  I feel numb and sick.  I got the rabbits and packed some stuff to stay with fam until new apartments I’ve been looking into for a couple months are ready for tenants.  Witnessing our daughter starting to walk on egg shells and him not wanting to go to therapy when I’ve tried to talk about it has pushed me towards  leaving. But the rabbit thing was like a red warning sign saying GO, something isn’t right!  I texted him that I was going to find a place for the buns until we could move out and implored him to get help because after what he did to the rabbits I fear something is truly in need of professional help, I even mentioned a brain tumor just to get the point across that this is a major personality change and I’m scared.  Told him I love him and I’m here for him but need him to get help before we can come together as a family again.  Thanks for reading, this all occurred this week. I’m just at family’s having trouble sleeping.  Haven’t heard a word from him.  Told daughter that people’s minds get sick just like bodies do sometimes and that we are going to stay with aunt until daddy gets better.  I am just still in shock about the animal cruelty and how that could be, I’m just heartbroken and questioning everything.

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[Pinkcamellias]

Hello. I’m sorry . I felt anxiety just reading how the event unfolded. Maybe your therapist has a point and I’d hate to think  your daughter will be victim to this madness.Even as I type this I feel sort of hypocritical because I have kids as well. If you have the means and support system needed to leave you should . Especially if he doesn’t want to seek help.
Not trying to hijack your post but just a couple of weeks ago, my husband threw our 3 year old on our bed. I was asleep early (not feeling to well) and I got the feeling he resented having to get the kids settled for the night . Anyway so he throws him on the bed to lay down and the back of his head lands on my nose. I hear a loud crunch and I wake up out of my very light sleep. I’m crying hard. My other kids run in the room to see what happened and  he says “ I threw xyz on the bed and he backed up and hit mommy’s face. they console me while he consoles my 3 year old who surprisingly isn’t crying , while staring at me emotionless and eventually comes to me and try’s to touch it to see if it’s broke. I ended up having a very sore nose for a week and a sinus infection.  Since then I sleep with my back to him.
I say this to say. Your not alone. If your like me you try to stay one step ahead , and you play all the what if’s out in your head. Stay strong and do what’s best for you and your daughter.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Sorry to hear this. It's obviously not about the bunnies. If it wasn't bunnies, it would probably be something else he decides your daughter isn't doing correctly. Having said that, you could always give the bunnies away to another good home if your daughter isn't super into them. I know you said she loves them, but sometimes having pets that you feel obligated to care for isn't fun as a 4 yr old. Bunnies or no bunnies, stay strong.

[Rollercoasting]

Thank you both for the replies.  An update to the situation since coming to my sisters yesterday.  Daughter cried that she missed daddy last night and it hurt my heart.  Didn’t hear a peep from him all day yesterday since taking the buns and leaving.  Daughter tried to video call him this morning but there wasn’t an answer so she left a video msg saying hi daddy I love you call me back.  7 pm tonight still hadn’t received a response which is unusual since it was her calling him (not me calling him).  I started getting worried because he’s never harmed himself but now I feel so unsure about everything that I was questioning it.  Phone died for a bit I get it charged up and back on and have a vm from him telling daughter sorry i missed ur call lovey-dovey, my phone was off. Ttyl I love you miss you muah.  She called him back and as they’re talking she tells him that she misses him and wants to come back home tomorrow.  He tells her he misses her too and wants to know if she wants something special for dinner tomorrow and to continue working on the big puzzle the three of us have been doing.  She says yeah and then decides she’s done talking  because a cartoon was starting and abruptly says see you tomorrow daddy bye.  They hang up and I sent him a text saying hey she wanted to go watch Disney, I didn’t make her get off the phone just so you know.  Maybe he didn’t think that but I felt the need to clarify it, he didn’t respond.  So now I’m thinking ok well should I take her to visit for a couple hours and then we leave again?.. or drop her off and pick her up after a bit.. My therapist also suggested having him sign essentially a contract saying that he won’t be verbally abusive  or put the rabbits outside if we decided to stay in the home and wait for the apartments to open.  Then I’m also thinking what boundaries are enforced if I’m taking her back to visit like all is well.  I don’t want to keep him from seeing her but I kinda feel like going home for a few hours sends the message that his actions weren’t severe.  On the other hand visiting .for a couple hours and then leaving still sends the message that I’m serious and we aren’t coming back home until he seeks help. I’m just so uncertain about what’s best to do here.

[once removed]

the long and short of it is that the two of you are approaching this issue in very different ways, and it is clashing. i suspect that this issue is not the only way in which your different styles and approaches are clashing.

people with bpd traits are highly sensitive to perceived slights and criticism.

perceived slights and criticism happen all the time when a father and mother are trying to parent a child. the best of us dont always take it well. more so with a highly sensitive person like a person with bpd traits.

dad is being unreasonable about the bunnies, when it comes to expecting a 4 year old to be more attentive, thats for sure.

im not sure its the entire point, though.

if dad suggests daughter doesnt care about the bunnies, and you contradict him (even lightheartedly), dad feels undermined, and not heard. not just how you or i might feel undermined or not heard, but extremely so. and he acts out. it isnt just about him thinking your daughter doesnt care about the bunnies. hes trying to assert himself as a parent, even if hes not going about it in an ideal way.

what you want to be very careful about, i think, is not rescuing your daughter from her fathers extreme behaviors. that can pit all three of you against each other, and it has.

what will yield the best results, although it will be harder, is for mom and dad to get on the same page and on a unified front when it comes to parenting, the bunnies...anything, really. dad may be unreasonable, but is there another way to look at it? perhaps the two of you agree on certain, reasonable guidelines, that slowly start to teach an age appropriate level of taking care of a pet. it achieves dads goals, it can be beneficial to your daughter, mom and dad feel heard by each other, and are on the same team. its a win win.

what do you think?

[Pinkcamellias]

Roller Coastering , you don’t want to be accused of parental alienation. If your concerned about your daughters physical well being that’s something that needs to be addressed with the court sooner rather then later . If not, your SO and dear daughter need time together .

[Rollercoasting]

I completely agree that it would be beneficial for us to be a unified front.  What I am struggling with is the negative affect that walking on eggshells and criticism will have on our daughter.  It’s extremely hard for me to not take it personally when he is raging although I do better than I used to, and since he has stated in the past that he doesn’t want to go to therapy and isn’t asking for help, i don’t see how the unhealthy patterns can change.  Isn’t it wrong of me to expose our daughter to his mood swings  and criticisms and silent treatment since he won’t agree to seek some form of help? I have never feared for our physical safety, just after the bunny incident, hearing the therapist tell me that I never know what could happen made me question everything. 

[once removed]

Isn’t it wrong of me to expose our daughter to his mood swings  and criticisms and silent treatment since he won’t agree to seek some form of help?

its a question that doesnt have a simple answer.

i do not, at all, mean to downplay dads behaviors when i say that every parent is imperfect. my dad was not bpd, but he had bpd style emotional dysregulation episodes. for sure, it made things hard on me, and my mom. and even the most loving, most well intentioned parents can do things that emotionally hurt their child.

leaving the relationship if you consider him to be abusive to your daughter is perfectly valid, and i think exploring that possibility ought to be a part of anyone assessing where they are trying to go in their relationship. at the same time, he will still be her father, whether or not the two of you were to divorce, and he will still have a relationship with her.

in other words, its one option; its not necessarily the solution, in terms of the big picture.

the unhealthy patterns may be able to change (it will take a lot of work and consistency over time to change longstanding patterns), or they may not be. when and if it is possible, it unfortunately, usually has to start with us learning new directions to lead those patterns in.