Looking for some guidance

[Boundless364]

Hey, my SO of 9 years (male) just got real with me recently about his bpd diagnosis he received while in high school. He's kinda mentioned but always made it sound like over vigilant therapists and parents. He's 37 now. While it makes the reasons for most of our conflicts more obvious it doesn't make it easier for me to undo nine years of treating these behaviors like they come from a neurotypical person. I don't know if I can handle feeling abused by the way someone talked to me and not stick up for myself. I can pretend it's not personal but it definitely is when its directed at me. I used to just ignore him and have a drink for however long it took him to come around. I stopped using alcohol regularly and I feel emotionally battered when he's off. Which can be for 3 hours or 3 weeks and it feels like nails on a chalkboard trying to wait it out. He disassociates and can be an entirely different person. It's really hard not knowing how long it will last. Especially because he's my partner and the person I want to comfort and be comforted by. I really want to be committed and patient because this man can be so kind, thoughtful and funny. I'm really struggling though, to be supportive while protecting myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

the short version is learn as much as you can (in a balanced way...the internet is not necessarily your friend when it comes to the facts about this disorder) about the disorder. its hard, and i dont say that lightly, it can be really hard, but it makes all the difference in the world. it is very much like dating someone with special needs. you will need not just little tips. you will need to develop and build skills.

go into this with eyes wide open. or should you change your mind, do so with eyes wide open.

this is a great place to start in terms of what it takes to love and be with someone with bpd: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

9 years is a long time and it sounds like while there have been a lot of cherished memories, it hasnt come without a toll. what sorts of things have been the hardest?

[Boundless364]

Thanks for the link. I'm going to talk to my therapist as well, any resources off the internet you could suggest other than that?

I think there have been so many good memories as you pointed out but also memories of him going from perky, attentive and goal setting to almost a different person, destructive, illogical, cruel and likely to view me as the source of his irritation. It hurts to see him like that and usually he's hurting me and having no empathetic response. It's like that part of his brain turned off. I'm sure from a cognitive psychology viewpoint that's exactly what happened. Knowing that doesn't make anything better though. I honestly feel stupid I didn't realize how well he fit all symptoms. I can't help but feel to some extent he hid this from me (I dont know exactly how to explain). now he's talking more openly, while still having angry and disassociative moments almost daily and I'm overwhelmed.

[once removed]

I can't help but feel to some extent he hid this from me (I dont know exactly how to explain).

it stands to reason. we all, to different degrees, hide the parts of ourselves we dont want to see, and dont want others to see, and put our best foot forward. people with bpd, who struggle with shame to a pathological degree, even more so.

I'm going to talk to my therapist as well, any resources off the internet you could suggest other than that?

read the lessons. read them again. practice the tools with everyone you know. post questions about them. bounce the information youre gaining off of your therapist. practice applying them in other peoples threads - this will build your skills, as well as your support system.

why dont we start with the latest conflict between the two of you, in as much detail as you can muster, and we can walk you through it?