Separated Wife

[Mets607]

Hi everyone, this is my first post so I apologize if it is a bit longer as this is a bit cathartic for me. I will explain more in-depth below but the Cliff Notes version is that my wife with BPD traits has recently separated me (lived with her dad for a month and now is on a month-long vacation) and I am trying to understand these traits in order to look towards reconciliation down the road and don't know what I can do once she returns from her month-long vacation.

So my wife and I began dating in 8th grade. We dated several times throughout high school, broke up, and then reconnected about 3 years after we graduated. Once we reconnected, our relationship was incredible, and within a short few months were engaged. Within 8 months of this reconnection, she ended up leaving as she said we were bickering too much (even small conversations are considered an argument for her). We were then separated for 3 months, got married 6 months later and now have been married for 4 and a half years.

During our marriage, we have gone through some turbulent times including a failed business,  bankruptcy, and trouble conceiving. A few months ago, I began going to therapy (diagnosed generalized anxiety) and when talking about my wife, he asked me if I had heard of BPD. I had not, but upon further research was pretty astonished as it seemed someone had been observing my wife during our entire relationship.  She openly expresses her fear of abandonment, has huge episodes of rage, black and white thinking that tilts between idolizing and hatred (current state), among other traits. Currently (while on her month-long vacation), she wants to have no interaction with me and is blaming me for being selfish anytime I bring up my emotions. She also continues to go on about how I have not listened, I do not love her, I treat her like garbage, and just about how overall I am a crappy person. I have not initiated contact in a month as I am giving her the space she desires (she calls or texts about 4-5 times a week, normally about financial obligations but she has opened up a few times about what she been up to, but I am letting her make first contact). I understand many of these emotions may be a projection and I would never admit to being perfect and have had times of feeding into her rage rather than being compassionate, but on the whole, I have made huge sacrifices for her, buy her flowers, and do other small things to show affection, tell her she is beautiful and it seems that no matter what I do, nothing is enough. Her definition of treating her poorly is having conservation about how we need to limit her spending so we can buy a house and talking about how I feel about her actions. Anytime I disagree with her actions or thought process, she jumps right to say how I never support her and that what she says never matters. I have suggested couples counseling but she is adamantly against it.

At this point, I am kind of stuck. It seems hopeless that she will ever return to a positive state but am wondering what gives me the best chance of making it through the next 4 weeks while she is gone and how to approach things if she needs more time when she gets back. One of my flaws as a person is selective patience, when it comes to time I am not patient but when it comes to keeping my cool and giving people the benefit of the doubt, I tend to be overly patient. I am not ready to move on but I want to set us up to have the healthiest and most sustainable relationship possible. It feels so challenging when we are not talking but I am hoping all the space and very little to no contact we are having gives her the time to process her emotions. Has anyone had success reconnection with a separated spouse with BPD? Any thoughts are appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dustyandbiscuit]

Hey Metz,

Like you I've literally posted on here for the first time today. I am not here to tell you what to do, but I do have some insight from my own relationship with a BPD which I hope will help. Likewise, I've felt comfort from reading your story as before today I honestly felt like I was on my own.

I married my wife in 2018 and things got weird really quickly - in a similar fashion to you I was scared of challenging certain behaviours (walking on eggshells) through fear of making things worse, like the pain of the fallout wasn't worth it. After our wedding she started to be really weird - removed any photos of our wedding day on our social media, would post photos of herself without her ring on and generally behaved like our 'big day' had never happened. Things got progressively worse, within 8 months of us being married she had ended the relationship, turned to online sex work and preferred to live by her pseudonym - the armchair psychiatrist in me says this was a way of separating the pain of who she actually is from who she can be.

Long story short, the life she'd built fell apart within 3 months and we ended up in A & E seeing the crisis team as she was self harming and suicidal. She was VERY apologetic and said she'd messed up - lost herself for a period of time and wanted to work on the relationship. We have 2 children, so I was ALWAYS keen to pick up what was broken... we did ok for a year or so, but the cracks again started to show towards the tail end of 2020.

Same behaviour pattern emerged - zero mention of me or the support I give her on her social media (this is a huge thing for her as she interacts with her friends through here most). The concern is that online you can easily manipulate who you are and people believe it, particularly BPDs as they are so good at shape shifting to suit their needs. I challenged this behaviour knowing where it leads us and was met with 'you are never happy when I am happy' arguments - completely discounting the endless support I had given her to try and get her the help she needs. It feels like I've been used, like she came back because she had nothing else, but now she has found confidence again we're back to where we were - she has again ended the relationship and we're now waiting out the UK lockdown to ascertain what our next steps should be.

My advice to you - should you reconcile with your wife, DO NOT WAIT to get joint couples therapy. This was my mistake. I had considered the process to be linear (ie. get her the help she needs, then address the relationship). You need to validate over and over and over - empathise and understand that attacks aimed towards you aren't necessarily because of anything you have done, moreover you are the closest person to receive the lashings caused by her own pain. Be sure of the facts. Keep a record so you can go back to it - know you aren't going crazy and trust your own mind.