Worried for my wife & my children

[dustyandbiscuit]

I never know how to start these things, through fear of coming across as 'woe is me'... I'll try to be succinct. There are holes all over this I know... I welcome being challenged, I just need support and to get this out into the world.

My story dates back to when I was 18 (2004/5ish) and met my future wife, but I'll start at 2014 having dated her since 2011 - when we got together her son was 4 (now 14). My partner had her disability benefit cut - I attended the work capability assessment with her, and subsequently contested the decision to no avail, leaving me to 'do the right thing' and move in with her and her son to support them financially and ensure they weren't left without a roof over their heads. This was a huge sacrifice as I'd moved from a 10 minute walk commute to a 2hr (each way) commute by bus. It was exhausting.

In 2015 my partner got a part time job at a local tattoo studio (on saturdays) - I was so happy she had something to focus her mind on, but quickly saw that this brought out behaviors I hadn't seen before - she befriended an ex stripper/burlesque performer (who also worked there) and immediately started to claim she too was a burlesque performer - worried of coming across and jealous and unsupportive I stayed quiet and eventually cracked when she started to flirt with other people online. It was horrible, however, a short time later she fell pregnant and all the problems were buried. We had our son in 2016.

We then bought a house closer to where I worked (with the help of our parents) as we (or so i thought) acknowledged that I'd struggle to be as hands on as I wanted to be if spending 4 hours a day commuting. After moving, my wife got a job at another tattoo studio in the town we live. Maybe I was too blind to see what was in front of me, but I was in a great place and so happy - we'd had several conversations about marriage and I was convinced we were on the same page, so I proposed.

We married, and only then did I start to see the bizarre behaviours start to manifest - small things in isolation but when putting them together told a different story. She had a quick and logical answer to everything I challenged her on. One example was that she lived her life on social media but removed all the photos from the wedding day, she'd leave the house wearing her wedding ring but then took it off (I saw this through seeing photos put up by mutual friends). There was no mention of being married at all, and no mention of her family on her social media channels. I thought I was going mad - was told it was all in my head and I was encouraged to go to the doctors to get some antidepressants. I lapped this up convinced that I was the problem.

One of the things my dr had suggested was keeping a lot of my triggers - i was making excuses, telling myself it was work that was getting me down. I also learned that SSRIs can give you crazy dreams, knowing I'm a sleep talker I got an app that records sounds when you sleep - it picked up some scary and strange things I'd said while asleep. But (and I know this is hard to believe) I forgot about it one weekend and left it running - what it recorded in waking hours was my wife talking on the phone about how she was 'officially divorced', and how somebody had shown a romantic interest in her. Terrified of being accused of stalking her, I sat on it. Eventually it came out when I arrived home from work and saw that she had left her wedding ring at home and left the house - I was told she was constantly walking on eggshells (a term I feel like I'm constantly familiar with) - she refused to talk to me and later moved out of the family home, returning in the morning to look after the boys when I had to go to work.

Later, I received a message from a stranger saying that 'your mrs will be sitting on my d**k' - when I raised this with her she said she had no idea who it could be and was convinced it was a fake profile. Having been with her for 7 years at that point I knew her incredibly well, and could tell this wasn't the truth. I struggled with this, and crossed a barrier I shouldn't have - I logged into her social media and saw the truth... as part of her hen do she went to a wrestling show and was given a lap dance as part of one of the performers walk on appearances (none of this was secret, at the time I found it hilarious), but it turns out they had shown a romantic interest in each other and she thought the messaged was from him - I challenged this, told her what I'd done and she was very apologetic, saying she felt like she was going off the rails. This seemed to paper over the cracks for a while...

In the new year (2019), our son (then 2yo) developed chickenpox and I couldn't take the time off work. My wife had an argument with her boss which resulted in her quitting her job - blaming me for it and not being supportive of keeping her in a job (I have always exclusively paid the bills for our household). She then started to drop hints of wanting to be an online sex worker, which I pushed back on as i felt this falls way outside of the commitment we'd made to each other in marriage. Eventually, she ended the relationship and became a camgirl, all while we lived under the same roof.

All the new life she had built fell apart as quickly as she had built it - I am not sure why her new friendship group had shunned her, but I had a call one day from one of her friends saying that she was very worried for her as she was talking about self harming and feeling suicidal - I rushed home from work and was greeted with 'I'm fine', having already made sure school/nursery didn't allow our boys to get home before I did. Two days later we ended up seeing the crisis team at A&E, as my wife felt she was on the verge of suicide. she was referred for psychiatric assessment.

Again, she was very apologetic and told me she loved me and wanted our marriage to work. I pushed to get her the support she desperately deserves and needs, but everything has felt so slow. Since then things were ok, on the rare occasions I dared to bring up joint counselling I was met with rage. Stupidly I thought the process would be as linear as 'get her the help she needs and then we'll get counselling'... problem is I was never allowed to be a part of her counselling sessions so couldn't be sure of what was being said.

My wife then wanted to be a gamer streamer and got very upset when trying to do her own streams as her computer wasn't powerful enough - I bought her a computer thinking it was a show of support, but quickly saw the same behaviour pattern emerge as I'd seen previously. There was no mention of how I was supporting her when streaming or on her social media, having bought flowers and a card to say how proud I was of her, supported her by picking up everything on her streaming days so she could solely focus on that - I had thought we set boundaries (4 days a week, 3 hr slots), but it instantly turned into her being sat at the computer for virtually all of her waking hours while I juggled working,  school runs, cooking, getting the boys to bed etc.

When I challenged this - she ended the relationship. Said that I was the reason her mental health is bad. I'm constantly told that I expect too much, that I'm being jealous or possessive when I tell her I'd like to spend time together. She did a stream on her  birthday which exposed so much - we had made such an effort to make her birthday special under lockdown restrictions, wrapping presents and making a treasure hunt for her to find them. She spent the entire day in bed, posting on social media about how she felt poorly (which is true), but again, manipulating the truth and getting so much validation from people wishing her well on her birthday. She then came down to stream at 9pm, dressed in lingerie - when I looked at her she said 'just because I am your wife that doesn't mean you have consent'.

I watched her birthday stream back in the morning, having previously been asked not to join in online because 'only people that don't know her go on her streams' and that it is her 'safe space'. She talked about how she is always an afterthought, and brought up how she had spent her 30th birthday at a funeral as an example - she was supporting me that day at my grans funeral, her birthday was the only date we could get. There was no mention of this, nor my efforts to get her friends together on another day. There was a lot more concerning stuff said, but I've already written an essay.

I begged mental health services to speak to her and told them as many details as I could. I told my concerns that I was watching the same behaviour pattern emerge again and I was worried where it would end up. They told me that while they couldn't advise on what had been said in her 2 x sessions since we were in a&e, it didn't match what I had said. She had a call with them today and told me that the psych didn't think her problem was as bad as initially thought, moreover her environement is causing her the problem.

I don't know what to believe. I'm just utterly exhausted trying to support her and then the moment she finds any purpose I am non-existent to her.

Am I going mad? Am I jealous and possessive?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Dusty, I take your question very seriously. I myself entered upon a relationship with a pwBPD and then subsequently got concussed for two years. During this time of brain injury, I have had to fight to regain my sanity, and one of the deepest lessons I discovered was the ease with which one gets sucked into the reality of the pwBPD. Perhaps I was so conscious of it knowing my deficits, and there may be others on this board who came into a relationship relatively sane and so this is not a problem for them. But for me, I found that the most important thing was to hold on to what I perceived to be real. Values and boundaries are important in this, because otherwise you end up living in their world. Which is something I would not wish on my worst enemy, much less the person I love.

What I am saying is this: your wife is not, in her head, married to you. I am sorry she rejects you, both when she knows you are listening and when she thinks she is alone. It is easier to be understanding about it when you realize that the marriage is not real to her in the way it is to you. She is not capable at this time to carry out the duties and obligations of a wife, namely to put you (your mental and emotional wellbeing) centrally in her life. Do you buy into this reality? Because that then leaves you in a position where you are prioritizing her welfare while she is not prioritizing yours. Is that the kind of marriage you want?

To keep surface peace in the marriage, you will notice a pattern that when she is highly stressed is always a bad time to bring up the relationship. Because she will easily feel overwhelmed and reject you like a shot.    You can pre-empt this by learning how to validate her in these moments; besides avoiding relationship discussions, you will also be able to make her feel more comfortable and secure, in less pain. And that in itself will lead to a better relationship. A good place to learn more about validation is here:   https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

You are in a better place than many on these boards since your wife is aware of her diagnosis and in  treatment. You mention medication, but I would also highly recommend that you get some counselling to support your sanity. Because apart from the relationship skills, you need to give some deep thought to the boundaries your value system allows. Only you can do that work for yourself.