Is it really over?

[HappyKJ]

So after 8.5+ years with an uBPD husband, it's finally over...sort of. First, to be clear, we were never "officially" married, so no legal stuff to worry about. In fact, the "marriage" is one of the many illusions I clung to during our relationship. He doesn't even remember our little "ceremony" (private, just the two of us, no dresses or rings) because he was drunk at the time, but I wanted the Hollywood love story and the sense of security that the concept of marriage entailed even though our relationship was anything but stable.

This year has been one of major transformation for me and partially through self-reflection but also through finally breaking my isolation and reaching out to support systems (like this group), I realized I wasn't going crazy. I started to see the pattern: every few months, he would blow up at me over some perceived injustice, declare that we were over, and then (sometimes it would be the next day, sometimes a few days) come back to me with an apology, saying that wasn't the real him speaking, that he couldn't imagine a life without me. And each time I would get hooked right back in, believing there was hope for us. And then the next fight would happen, and once again I would feel like my world was crumbling.

This time when the "breakup" happened, though, there was no apology, only coldness and distance. Which at the time was hurtful but in retrospect I am grateful for, as it gave me time to reflect. Was the fun/excitement/passion worth the drama and dysfunction? Did I really want to be with someone who treated me like a yoyo when it came to my heart? Did I want to keep making excuses for all of his blowups and mood swings, chalking it up to his emotional issues/childhood trauma/simply the fact that he was having a bad day? All the while secretly hoping that I would help him “see the light”?

Yes, I have grown a lot from this experience, and no, I don’t have any regrets, but I can’t keep learning the same lesson and replaying the same scene over and over. It’s time for more ease in my life so I have the energy to create the things I want to create and quit investing so much energy into trying to make this relationship work when he refuses to get any kind of help for himself or admit that he needs help.

I also accept the role that my own codependency and lack of boundaries has played in our issues. I am not beating myself up; I'm simply seeing it for what it is and making a decision that these will not be issues for me moving forward.

Here is where it gets tricky. For financial reasons and because we recently moved to a foreign country, we're currently still living together. He is in the process of buying land and building a house on that land; originally he wanted to build houses for both of us on the same time but after thinking this over I decided it wouldn't be a good idea. Still, he hasn't told anyone save for one person about our breakup; he claims he doesn't want to bring drama to our community and is waiting for the right time but I suspect he's having trouble letting go. And to be honest, I've having trouble letting go too. Part of me wants to jump right back into his arms. I tell myself how he’s grown. How this time will be different.

But then I remind myself of all the ways he’s still the same. Bringing drama into my life, playing the victim, creating no win situations, trying to pit people against each other, projecting. I know I have my own flaws, but perhaps by me stepping away, he’ll finally see how his choices and beliefs have impacted others and hurt himself. And if not, that’s not my problem. I’m no longer responsible for his happiness, nor is he for mine.

[B53]

HKJ,
I can’t believe how perfectly you described my relationship. We have been apart now for three months. He has been in therapy for almost six months and I have agreed to give it one more chance. I keep jumping back and forth in my head, from being hopeful to why did I agree to jump back into his craziness. I just contacted a  therapist to help sort with my confusion and my back and forth thinking. At this point I am the one doing the black and white thinking, defending him to, look how badly he has treated me. I haven’t seen or talked to him, only email. I’m worried that when I see him, I will loose the strength that I have gained over the last few months and end up back at square one again. I’m hoping the therapist will help with this.
Has he been diagnosed and would he agree to go for help? It sounds like you have given it a lot of thought. If you are sure this is the end for you, then you might want to look into the group about breaking up and detaching.
Make sure that you take care of yourself, exercise, eat healthy and get sleep and if you can afford it, a therapist that has knowledge about BPD. The people here are great, you will get lots of kindness and support here. I wish the best for you!
B53

[HappyKJ]

HKJ,
At this point I am the one doing the black and white thinking, defending him to, look how badly he has treated me. I haven’t seen or talked to him, only email. I’m worried that when I see him, I will loose the strength that I have gained over the last few months and end up back at square one again. I’m hoping the therapist will help with this.
Has he been diagnosed and would he agree to go for help?
B53

Thank you for your support, B53 -- it sounds like I'm not alone! Yes, I did a lot of defending him, both to other people who recognized the unhealthy dynamics in our relationship as well as defending him in my own mind. But I've also spent a lot of energy in my own mind deploring him, how terrible he was, etc., and imagining having these conversations with other people (I wouldn't actually say those things to anyone who knew him). I'm trying to practice neutral detachment as much as possible. Observe what is taking place with compassion while also having compassion for myself.

No, he has not been diagnosed and refuses therapy of any kind. Which is part of the reason I am giving up hope. A few years ago, he was considering therapy, but now whenever I bring it up, it turns into a fight. Obviously that's his right, but at the same time, I have the right to live in peace, with someone who is emotionally stable and where conversations are not landmines.

I realize now (a symptom of my codependency) how much effort I put into trying to prove myself to him. To prove that I wasn't the horrible, selfish monster or worthless moron that he claimed I was during our worst fights. But now I realize I have very little control over what he thinks of me, nor do I care. After years of soul searching, trying to figure out why I couldn't get along with him, something finally dawned on me a few months ago: he doesn't get along with nearly anyone. Yes, he'll make a few friends who he'll briefly worship (idealization phase), but those friends eventually become enemies. He gets in altercations with strangers at the grocery store and can't hold down a job because there's always issues with bosses and coworkers. He's very judgmental, but most judgmental of himself. Nearly everything he says about someone else is projection.

As cliche as it is, it's hard to love anyone else if you don't love yourself first.

[HappyKJ]

Well, as much as I've tried to remain friends and the most part things have stayed amicable between us, it seems like he's determined to make things as difficult as possible for me and assert his authority over me every step of the way. No, I don't think he's intentionally doing this. I think he really is living under the delusion that he is this chill, freedom-loving, peaceful dude and I am the unreasonable one (just like all his other exes, who he portrays as crazy or complete monsters).

But nevertheless, I clearly see FOG taking place. I think he know deep down he has not been the best partner (which to me is whatever -- I'm willing to let it all go and move on -- but still he feels this need to redeem himself). So he is pulling out all the stops, trying to make me feel obligated to adopt his point of view and essentially side with him against his latest enemy. And of course, spend money in the ways he sees fit. And yes, I acknowledge that he has made a lot of money through his own efforts in investing, but where do you think he got that money for investments? From me, of course -- and I have no savings because of it.

So he uses obligation to manipulate me: “I still love you even though we’re not together" (translation: "you better do what I say"). Fear (I’m going to become homeless because without him, I am helpless and worthless). Guilt (when I calmly state that I appreciate his advice but see things differently, he says “you’re rejecting everything I say because you hate me,” “I guess I can’t tell you anything anymore”). He is desperate and doing everything he can to make himself look heroic in my eyes and the eyes of others. I keep telling myself I can’t be angry because it is all he knows. It is like he is drowning and just grasping out for a life raft. Partially too I think he's angry because even though he's broken up with me countless times in the past, I did not take him back like I have every other time -- I've finally broken the cycle of codependency, but it seems he has not.

At the same time, though, I guess I want some practical advice. How do I stand up to him without completely wrecking things between us? The truth is, our finances are tied up together, along with multiple projects, and aside from the logistics, he is a special person that I would like to still have in my life -- at an arm's distance. But I can't let him continue to manipulate me and run my life.

[B53]

HKJ,
It sounds like you have a lot of insight. I not sure that I can answer your questions. I was wondering if you started a new post with a different title, you might get more responses. Something like He is determined to make things difficult or  Trying to end it, can anyone help. You also need to post in the breakup and detaching forum, if you haven’t already. A lot of people there are in the same boat.

Good luck.

[HappyKJ]

That's a great idea, thank you!