Break up again after rising the red flags

[Anonym2806]

Well,

Another cycle. Ended after I noticed she was trying to get a guy from instagram. I saw her games after crying in my arms, telling me she loves me but she cannot be with me or anyone else. I noticed that she was liking and commenting pictures of a guy on instagram.
I told her and I’ve been mad. Told her how cheap she was to act like this. I’ve been a gentleman all the time by sending flowers every friday to make sure she was ok.
She ghosted me from everywhere.
After 5 weeks, I tried to call her. She hang out when she heard my voice. Told her I’m seeing someone since she’s ignoring me and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable as she lives in her neighborhood.
Told her the only way for her it’s the DBT and shown her I move on (which is not the case).
She didn’t react at all.
I’m upset again and again. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

what was the nature of the comments?

its hard to say whether youre being jealous and losing your cool, or if she was up to something inappropriate.

frankly though, it could be both. what is the end game at this point? this seems to be headed in the same direction.

[Anonym2806]

Hi,

Well, I’m loosing my mind. Not cool anymore.
There were no comment sorry from her side but from him. He posted “hot” on one picture.
And her, she went to like a picture of him showing his abs.
That’s ridiculous I know but I’ve been suspicious since all the history.
The picture she liked was on his profile since a while so it wasn’t from her feed she received that one.
Yes I know, it sounds ridiculous because I’ve never reacted or checked like this to any other women.
I don’t trust her anymore. I sent to her again a message 2 days ago saying that I reacted like this because I can’t accept what she did and cheated on me in September.
That she would react in the same way.
She read all the messages and give me the silent treatment now.
She posted random stuff on instagram again and one of them was something like : Anytime you have to urge to return to a harmful environment, keep in mind the damage it had on your sanity and the duration of time it took to regain your peace of mind”
Well, after reading this, it seems I’m the bad guy. After many talks, hundreds flowers deliveries, kind messages,... I’m still the bad guy.
Loosing my sanity since I met this woman. But her good side remind me to help her. I’m stuck again.
Last year she came back after 3 months of silent treatment and 4 months more to see each other again.

[formflier]

After 5 weeks, I tried to call her.

I'm curious how you decided to call after 5 weeks of ghosting. 

What did you hope to accomplish?

Best,

FF

[Anonym2806]

Well, I don’t really know why I called her. I can’t expect anything from a call.
I noted that I can’t expect anything from her on a call.
She’s a liar, cheater and sick. I’m doing wrong. And in the same time, I need to cool down for once.
I did nothing wrong. I caught her many times lying and cheating and it’s finally me trying to chase her.
I guess I’m over of this.
Evrytime we talked on the phone for something she did wrong, she continues the same behavior.
It’s deeper thank I thought.
She needs to come back to me and properly. And if she comes back, she definitely needs to go on therapy. I’m done. all of this causes me stress.

[formflier]

Well, I don’t really know why I called her. 

She’s a liar, cheater and sick. 

Hey...I would think this is an area for you to slow down and reflect on.  It's clear to me that you understand her attributes (liar, cheater...sick), so I'm curious about what reasons you come up with for calling her. 

Take a hard look..I think this will help you understand the way forward.

Best,

FF

[Anonym2806]

Yup, you’re right. I’m becoming the sick one here.
Well, I need to cut off like last year. No contact during 3 months.
It might be longer this time but I will definitely starting to see someone else. I will think about me now.

[once removed]

Yes I know, it sounds ridiculous because I’ve never reacted or checked like this to any other women.
I don’t trust her anymore. I sent to her again a message 2 days ago saying that I reacted like this because I can’t accept what she did and cheated on me in September.
That she would react in the same way.
...
Well, after reading this, it seems I’m the bad guy. After many talks, hundreds flowers deliveries, kind messages,... I’m still the bad guy.

heres the thing.

the two of you are not officially together, do i have that right?

you have to, on one hand, temper your expectations if you arent officially together. comments and likes are generally fair game if youre not.

at the same time, you want to get back together, and she has given you the impression she wants the same thing, do i have that right?

so you need to make the effort necessary as far as she goes, and she needs to make the effort necessary as far as you go. within reason.

you need to assess whether either of you are prepared to do that, and whether either of your expectations are realistic.

if i were trying to get someone back that i had cheated on, id be pretty careful about my social media presence. she doesnt seem to be doing that. shes not putting forth the effort that you are suggesting that you need in order to reestablish trust.

at the same time, with the state of the relationship being what it is, you have to be realistic. the two of you have been in a state of on again off again limbo without a lot of promising signs of moving forward. so if we arent together, and i send some likes, receive or give some comments, and you go off on me, nothing has really changed.

trust is the issue between you both. how do you realistically (re)establish it? can you?

[Anonym2806]

Hi Once,

We were officially together. She pushed to have this relationship.
She withdrawn many times but I respected that. I knew what’s going with her issue.
But she lost the trust when she started to cheat.
I told her it wasn’t acceptable for me but she came back without apologizing but she wanted to talk.
Then we talked and the same evening she’s been caught in a bar with another guy and she gaslighted me.
Even after that, we talked again and again but it seems she’s a serial cheater.
The trust cannot be restablished like this. This is not the right way.
We are on no contact again as she gives me silent treatment.
I’m waiting she reach out but not sure of that. She knows I’m not walking on eggshells anymore and I’m kind of direct to her.
 

[once removed]

you cant draw a line in the sand, let your partner walk over it, keep moving it back, and expect things to change for the better.

you can assess whether your line in the sand is a realistic one or even healthy one, you can also assess whether your partner is capable of abiding it.

youre telling her with your words that its unacceptable to you, but you are showing her that its entirely acceptable to you.

[Anonym2806]

Hi Once,

You are right but I broke up with her the first time.
I thought we will talked about it but she completely avoided the subject. She wanted to talk about it later.
The later never came as the second story shown up.
I just gave her too much opportunity to hurt me because I didn’t stick to my first decision. Which was to stay away until she tell me the truth and find a solution for it.
Now I’m staying away. I just told her last time that I will never apologize for my word and I’m angry for what she did.
This should be fixed by her going on a therapy. I can’t go back without any change from her. Not me, her.
Today I’m ok. Sometimes I miss the one with the big heart. But she never came back since september.
In place I had the devil.

[formflier]

you cant draw a line in the sand, let your partner walk over it, keep moving it back, and expect things to change for the better.
 

Hey Anonym2806,

Can you mention a couple places in your story where it may appear that you "allowed" lines to be crossed?

Best,

FF

[Anonym2806]

Hey Formflier,

Not really, maybe you can tell me please?

[Anonym2806]

I'm having difficult time right now.
The silent treatment is just unfair. I told her last time she did that to me.
Do you have any tips or should I no contact her at all?

[formflier]

 
I'll try to provide some articles later.

The quick version I can share now.

When someone is communicating to you that they are unable/unwilling to talk...please believe them.

Focus your energy on self care.

Best,

FF

[Anonym2806]

Hi guys,

Things are moving. She seems to follow my post with her fake instagram account and react to this in hers by posting stuff that concern us.
She played the same games last year before coming back. Well,
maybe she’s coming back again.
I’m still on no contact and she’s still silent since December.
Let’s see.
I just don’t know what to do if she comes back. I don’t want to let her hurt me again.
I tried to be clear many weeks before she’s gone but the last talk wasn’t good at all.

[once removed]

Anonym, you arent obligated to take her back just because she comes back, if she comes back, and theres nothing you are describing that would be a healthy basis for doing so.

thats really the point of trying to Better a relationship or Reverse a breakup. you need a solid foundation on which to do so.

im not telling you to reject her, or be done. im just not really seeing a radically, fundamentally different approach, from either you, or from her, that is going to change anything.

[Anonym2806]

Why do you think that ?
I mean I still love her and she’s special for me.
Why should I not try another approach ?
Why do you think it’s over ?

[once removed]

im not sure i came across correctly; im not saying those things.

i am saying:

maybe she will come back again. waiting around for that, and just getting back with her if she does, doesnt seem like a different approach.

Why should I not try another approach ?

you should try another approach. i am suggesting that fundamentally, neither of you really has. things have mostly gotten worse, and the two of you have dug in. if you were to get back together, what would change? would it just be a case of you telling her how you want things to go, and hoping for the best?

Why do you think it’s over ?

im not saying its over. i am saying that things are pretty broken and while she may come back, its hard for me to see how this relationship gets on a healthy, stable trajectory.

a willingness to see that, and not participate in a broken dynamic would be the healthiest thing you could do. it would be a sign of a different approach.

[Anonym2806]

Hi Once,

Thank you for your reply.
I'm trying to work on something else with my therapist.
Yesterday, I wished her a happy Valentine's day and sent her flowers.
She did answer "thank you. Happy Valentine's day"
The flowers arrived later in the day because I receivde the delivery not.
She didn't say anything.
Today, I asked her if she received the flowers as I didn't receive that note. She read the message and didn't reply.
She still comes checking my instagram stories but I don't know why she didn't answer about the flowers.
Then, later in the day, she posted a picture of her happy in a terrace.
Well, I don't know what to think now as she doesn't reply for the flowers.

[once removed]

i had an ex i sent flowers to after we broke up. she didnt reply about it either.

its an awkward position to be in, receiving flowers from an ex, especially given how the two of you ended, and the time that has transpired.