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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: custody/divorce trial with a BPD  (Read 397 times)
loveopendoor

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« on: January 12, 2021, 05:40:25 AM »

Hello, I am about 4 weeks away from a divorce trial. My stb-ex has many BPD traits. I have been in an abusive relationship with her since she got pregnant unexpectedly 6 years ago. I wanted to be part of my daughter's life from the beginning and get a chance to build a strong relationship with my child ,so I stayed in the relationship. I even got married with the mother 2.5 years ago because I thought that it would calm her down but it just got worse. She made false allegations of domestic abuse against me, I got arrested once and I decided to file for divorce shortly after that. It was about a year ago. The divorce procedure has been extremely difficult as she found a pro-bono attorney that is a bulldog, and has many narcissistic traits. The combination of my stb-ex BPB and her narcissistic lawyer is deadly. I threw a lot of money in this divorce to tell the truth but somehow they twisted things, painted me as a controlling and abusive parent and they got the judge attention. Then, despite all my attempts to give examples of my stb-ex's dysfunctional and alienating behaviors, the custody evaluator sided with her and wrote a negative report against me. She assumed that everything that she said was right and that I was the abuser even though the criminal charge were entirely dismissed because there was no substance to it.
The evaluator recommends that sole legal and physical custody be given to the mother, that I have only 30% parenting time and I am not able to talk with my daughter when she is with her mother. This is a complete nightmare.

I do not know how to turn things around. It seems that everything is already decided. At this point, I just would like to have shared custody 50-50 and 50-50 parenting time. Of course, co-parenting with my ex is going to be a nightmare but I will be better able to protect my daughter if she with me at least 50% of the time.
I found that the court system is corrupted and is just using me for my money without consideration of our child's wellbeing. I would like to bring oversight in the court room, so the judge is held accountable and takes the time to look at the fact and understand that my stb-ex is the liar, abuser that will destroy my daughter's self confidence.
My daughter and I have a beautiful relationship but I am very scared that her mother will ruin her self confidence and inflict her emotional and psychological wounds that will be lifelong challenges for her. How can I show to the court that the mother will destroy my daughter? My lawyer wants me to focus on how good of a father I am but I am afraid that it will not be enough to overturn the negative custody evaluation.
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B53
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 326


« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2021, 10:17:45 AM »

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. This is not part of my experiences, so I can’t offer much help. I have read similar stories and hopefully there are people here that can help. I wish you the best!
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CoherentMoose
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 238



« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2021, 11:17:01 AM »

Hello.  Sorry to read about your tough situation.  Glad you found this board.  Some great people here who have navigated situations similar to yours.

This is a marathon, not a sprint.  It will be a bumpy and likely painful journey, but take it one day at a time.  Research in here.  For example, read ForeverDad posts and his story.  He started with significant limitations, but eventually ended up with a much better situation. 

Have you read Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger?  As well as Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger? Both are good resources at understanding your opponent. 

Also, please make sure your are getting healthy for an protracted fight.  Physically and emotionally healthy.  Eat well.  Exercise.  Meditate, or whatever allows you to relax for a few precious moments.  Get good sleep. 

Use this board for questions and reviewing your plans.  It's a great resource.  Good luck.  CoMo
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2021, 01:40:29 AM »

One of our most recommended handbooks is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.  It contains an immense variety of practical advice and strategies.

He emphasizes the need for a proactive and experienced lawyer, more than one who files forms and holds hands.  He also stresses the need to use a well qualified Custody Evaluator who has the respect and trust of the court.  For your CE, it sounds like one was picked almost out of the phone book?  You may have to challenge the recommendation with a better and more trusted expert.

It is rare for a court to accept full custody early in a case, courts really try hard to default to shared or joint custody.  My CE was a child psychologist and my lawyer described him as treated like god in court, never a recommendation disputed.  Well, I saw his initial report that was discussed between judge and lawyers months before the scheduled trial:

The report's initial recommendation?  "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... Mother's temporary custody should end immediately... If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then father should have custody."

I was in and out of family court from 2006 to 2013.  In that span of time I went from alternate weekend dad (2 years) to (last minute settlement, trial averted as) joint equal time dad (3 years) to full custody equal time dad (3 years) to full custody majority time during school year dad (final 6 years, but at least we never went back to court).  It took 8 years to get to an order that worked, meaning we didn't go back to court.

As I wrote above, courts are generally reluctant to block one parent from parental custody unless there is substantive cause and probably the CE cannot justify that.  I don't know whether you can get equal parenting time from your court, but you probably have a good chance at walking out with shared or joint custody, though it may take hiring a better, more trusted, expert than the CE you have now.

You will notice in my quote above how every 2-3 years I was able to return to court to improve my parental status.  It wasn't me as much as it was her doing it to herself.  She got lots of default preference, for years, but she squandered it over time by her own behaviors.  And I documented it.

You can't fix her.  Court won't try to fix her either, at least not much.  Courts typically rule by documented behavior... Police records, doctor or hospital records, day care and school records, your own records (journals, calendars, emails, voice recordings, etc).

Her lawyer may try to schmooze the court with emotional claims - typically emotionally compelling but without real substance - masked as fact, but you have the facts on your side.

For example, her lawyer is presenting you as controlling?  Then why in the world did you file for divorce?  See how unsubstantiated her claims are?  And how simple some of your responses can be?  You want to get away from her, not stay and control her.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 01:50:03 AM by ForeverDad » Logged

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