Help... what bomb goes off when they realise they are blocked?

[kiwigal]

I have been no contact/ grey rock with my SIL as of 6 months ago... needed to work through the gaslighting trauma.

Last week I had that inner knowing that she would try and make some move back towards her normal. I blocked her on my phone. Sure enough, today she a text to both hubby and I. It was pleasant enough. However, now she will know she is blocked on my end as it would have bounced.

I know this sounds strange but I’m feeling so anxious as I’ve never done the disengage role before and I have no idea what is likely to happen next? (Ie - what bombs will go off?)

Can anyone prepare me for holding my boundary and knowing the most likely game moves from my narc SiL and her enabling hubby and my BPD mother in law?

[Clouds46]

I went no contact with my mother a long time ago, similarly for reasons of my own mental health.  I have blocked her temporarily at times but mostly leave her unblocked but do not respond to her messages.  I expected her to react with hostility and verbal abuse.  Instead, she has convinced herself that we are mad "at each other" and continues to pursue me with messages reminding me that she is not going to keep contacting me (but does anyway) and offering me the opportunity to apologize to her.  She has resumed the condescending, self-righteous "I am a saint for dealing with you" tone of my youth.  Also of course, in all this time, she has taken accountability for nothing and displayed zero self-reflection, remorse, or concern for my feelings or well-being.  In addition, she complains endlessly to others, including my in-laws, about how mean I am to her for not speaking to her.  She has also triangulated other relatives into counter-cutting me off and bullying me to speak to her again.

I'm sure not every BPD/NPD person will react the same to being cut off, but this has been my experience.  It has definitely been difficult and emotionally grueling at times but my overall quality of life has improved in not having to deal with her day to day and having the space to work through it all in therapy.  It sounds like you've made a difficult but wise decision and I wish you the strength to hold your ground and prioritize your mental health and healing for as long as you need to.

[kiwigal]

I went no contact with my mother a long time ago, similarly for reasons of my own mental health.  I have blocked her temporarily at times but mostly leave her unblocked but do not respond to her messages.  I expected her to react with hostility and verbal abuse.  Instead, she has convinced herself that we are mad "at each other" and continues to pursue me with messages reminding me that she is not going to keep contacting me (but does anyway) and offering me the opportunity to apologize to her.  She has resumed the condescending, self-righteous "I am a saint for dealing with you" tone of my youth.  Also of course, in all this time, she has taken accountability for nothing and displayed zero self-reflection, remorse, or concern for my feelings or well-being.  In addition, she complains endlessly to others, including my in-laws, about how mean I am to her for not speaking to her.  She has also triangulated other relatives into counter-cutting me off and bullying me to speak to her again.

I'm sure not every BPD/NPD person will react the same to being cut off, but this has been my experience.  It has definitely been difficult and emotionally grueling at times but my overall quality of life has improved in not having to deal with her day to day and having the space to work through it all in therapy.  It sounds like you've made a difficult but wise decision and I wish you the strength to hold your ground and prioritize your mental health and healing for as long as you need to.

This is so helpful! I can see a similar thing happening. The tone of yesterday’s text was so nice and I honestly felt so angry that it was in direct contrast to the last things she had said on the phone... knowing full well that the family will know the ‘nice’ stuff but not the hurtful stuff.

Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m sorry you had to go through that toxicity and trauma too! I like what you said about the space being worth it.. to reclaim life.

Hoping it gets less ‘triggering’!

[Mtnlvr8]

I can definitely relate to the feeling bad in those moments when our bp person is “nice.” I sent my sister an email recently after months of her being dysregulated, setting some firm boundaries. I was fully expecting her to be angry and cruel, but she wasn’t! She was kind and loving and told me how important I am to her. It was nice, but also very difficult because I’m sent spinning back into wondering if she could be reasonable and if I should give her more of another chance( even though this pattern has already repeated so many times.)

My advice would be to stay firm, if your mother is like my sister it won’t be long before she isn’t “nice” again and you’ll be glad you’ve distanced yourself.

[kiwigal]

I can definitely relate to the feeling bad in those moments when our bp person is “nice.” I sent my sister an email recently after months of her being dysregulated, setting some firm boundaries. I was fully expecting her to be angry and cruel, but she wasn’t! She was kind and loving and told me how important I am to her. It was nice, but also very difficult because I’m sent spinning back into wondering if she could be reasonable and if I should give her more of another chance( even though this pattern has already repeated so many times.)

My advice would be to stay firm, if your mother is like my sister it won’t be long before she isn’t “nice” again and you’ll be glad you’ve distanced yourself.

Oh, you are so right. I know my SIL actually genuinely doesn't care about me.. and that likely, she is being pressured by my BPD MIL to 'love bomb' us into the old norm. I can guess this because my MIL Christmas newsletter to everyone had a paragraph that my hubby and my own mum said "this is clearly directed at you".. and it was all about how we all think love looks different and how if our identities in God were intact, it wouldn't matter how those differences looked (spiritualising). I imagine the niceness will end soon enough and we will be back to the scapegoat role and on to the implied narrative from my MIL around forgiveness.