Someone who I was speaking to for a while who has BPD left me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was speaking to this girl who I met online (she has BPD) it was a long distance thing as she lived far away from me. We weren’t official together but it was heading in that direction. So we were talking for a few months, and everything was going so well. This was my first real emotional connection to a girl and I just really fell for her. For a while it was all going so good, I developed really strong feelings for her and she seemed like it was the same for her, the way she was talking to me and how much she used to say she wanted me. But then it all kind of just stopped. She became so distant with me and so cold. I was so hurt and confused and I didn’t know what to do, she said she needed space and I tried to give it to her. She had told me early on she had BPD and fear of abandonment. Ever since she told me that I tried to do everything I could to let her know how much I liked her and how much I cared and that I was never going to leave her. Because truly I never did want to leave her I would have been there for her through anything. So I tried giving her space but in my head I kept thinking that she’s pushing me away, because she said she does that to a lot of people. And she said I was the first person she had caught feelings for in a long time, and she said she was trying so hard to not push me away. So when she said she needed space I did message her just to ask her if she was still okay and if we were still okay. But I was getting blunt replies and no real care for me or the conversation.  So I just left it, after about a week she messaged me asking if she could explain her actions, she said that she did have really strong feelings for me and that things were going well but she had so much other stress going on in her life that she devalued me (she called it splitting) where she convinced herself that I was going to hurt her and leave her so she had to leave first because it was the only thing she could think of doing. And ever since then I have felt all over the place. This was the first time a girl has showed any real affection for me and made me feel like she cared for me and wanted me, and then it just went so suddenly, and she’s carried on with her life since then like she’s just forgot all the good memories we had, all the late night FaceTimes and the way we used to speak to each other, it’s like she’s just forgot all of that and doesn’t even care about me anymore. I’ve since researched more about devaluation and splitting and learned that she really doesn’t care, and she has literally forgot all those times because of this splitting. And I just really don’t know what to do, because even though she’s done that and lost all her feelings for me it’s like, I still have really strong feelings for her and I still want her back. But she doesn’t feel the same, I just didn’t think it would end like this, and maybe that’s my fault for not properly knowing what I was getting myself into with romantically involving myself with someone with BPD, I just didn’t think she would leave like that. I don’t know what to do, I feel so heartbroken and we weren’t even officially dating, and I feel like I’m not allowed to feel like this because of that. And I hate myself for getting so attached to someone so quickly, am I just broken? I felt so strongly about her and it feels like that just meant nothing to her, which I now know that it doesn’t matter because if she has split from me, then there is nothing I can do. But what am I meant to do now? I feel so lost and confused and empty without her. And now that I know there is a “idealisation” phase where she sees me as like someone to help her out of this hole, I’m just wondering is that all I was to her? Did she even actually have feelings for me? Or was it just some phase. The way she used to talk to me would suggest she did have feelings for me. And she did say that she had strong feelings for me but when she split she lost them. I just really feel hopeless in life when it comes to love. I’m 21 years old and I’ve never had a relationship or anything. This was the closest I’ve had to a relationship in a long time and it feels like it was all fake now that I know what I do about splitting and devaluation, and now I feel so worthless and like it wasn’t actually me she fell for, it was just this idealisation phase and that’s all.

[TGS147]

I was speaking to this girl who I met online (she has BPD) it was a long distance thing as she lived far away from me. We weren’t official together but it was heading in that direction. So we were talking for a few months, and everything was going so well. This was my first real emotional connection to a girl and I just really fell for her. For a while it was all going so good, I developed really strong feelings for her and she seemed like it was the same for her, the way she was talking to me and how much she used to say she wanted me. But then it all kind of just stopped. She became so distant with me and so cold. I was so hurt and confused and I didn’t know what to do, she said she needed space and I tried to give it to her. She had told me early on she had BPD and fear of abandonment. Ever since she told me that I tried to do everything I could to let her know how much I liked her and how much I cared and that I was never going to leave her. Because truly I never did want to leave her I would have been there for her through anything. So I tried giving her space but in my head I kept thinking that she’s pushing me away, because she said she does that to a lot of people. And she said I was the first person she had caught feelings for in a long time, and she said she was trying so hard to not push me away. So when she said she needed space I did message her just to ask her if she was still okay and if we were still okay. But I was getting blunt replies and no real care for me or the conversation.  So I just left it, after about a week she messaged me asking if she could explain her actions, she said that she did have really strong feelings for me and that things were going well but she had so much other stress going on in her life that she devalued me (she called it splitting) where she convinced herself that I was going to hurt her and leave her so she had to leave first because it was the only thing she could think of doing. And ever since then I have felt all over the place. This was the first time a girl has showed any real affection for me and made me feel like she cared for me and wanted me, and then it just went so suddenly, and she’s carried on with her life since then like she’s just forgot all the good memories we had, all the late night FaceTimes and the way we used to speak to each other, it’s like she’s just forgot all of that and doesn’t even care about me anymore. I’ve since researched more about devaluation and splitting and learned that she really doesn’t care, and she has literally forgot all those times because of this splitting. And I just really don’t know what to do, because even though she’s done that and lost all her feelings for me it’s like, I still have really strong feelings for her and I still want her back. But she doesn’t feel the same, I just didn’t think it would end like this, and maybe that’s my fault for not properly knowing what I was getting myself into with romantically involving myself with someone with BPD, I just didn’t think she would leave like that. I don’t know what to do, I feel so heartbroken and we weren’t even officially dating, and I feel like I’m not allowed to feel like this because of that. And I hate myself for getting so attached to someone so quickly, am I just broken? I felt so strongly about her and it feels like that just meant nothing to her, which I now know that it doesn’t matter because if she has split from me, then there is nothing I can do. But what am I meant to do now? I feel so lost and confused and empty without her. And now that I know there is a “idealisation” phase where she sees me as like someone to help her out of this hole, I’m just wondering is that all I was to her? Did she even actually have feelings for me? Or was it just some phase. The way she used to talk to me would suggest she did have feelings for me. And she did say that she had strong feelings for me but when she split she lost them. I just really feel hopeless in life when it comes to love. I’m 21 years old and I’ve never had a relationship or anything. This was the closest I’ve had to a relationship in a long time and it feels like it was all fake now that I know what I do about splitting and devaluation, and now I feel so worthless and like it wasn’t actually me she fell for, it was just this idealisation phase and that’s all.

[once removed]

and I feel like I’m not allowed to feel like this because of that

youre allowed to feel like this. one of the things that helped me the most, in my own recovery, was to give myself permission to feel whatever i felt without judgment.

i had a similar situation once, not terribly long after i dated my bpd ex, where a girl i met online blew me up all day long for some months, was kinda hot and cold, and when things kind of suddenly ended, it left a big void i found hard to get past.

an intense relationship leaves a big void.

im not sure id conclude that she didnt, or doesnt care, and if anything, that might be contributing to your suffering. people with bpd tend to care excessively, to the point of unhealthy mechanisms to cope. it might help to think of it as shes coping differently than you, and that doesnt speak to your significance as a person. still, i know it can sure feel that way, and it hurts. my bpd ex of three years jumped into another relationship, and we never spoke again. healing from that kind of thing takes work and understanding, and youve found a great place to do that, with people that get it. you really can get through this, and even stronger than before.

how long did you two know each other?

[TGS147]

Well we met online and that was back in September, she started being cold and off with me around the middle of November, then after that up until around mid December we were talking here and there as I was just trying to understand what happened as why. I finally cut her off and just had to block her on everything towards the end of December. So I haven’t had any contact or anything with her since then. I just feel really stupid for letting myself fall so hard for her, and we weren’t even actually dating so I feel like my feelings are invalid. But even though we weren’t dating it felt like it was getting very intense and the love was real for me. And there was a point where it felt like it was real for her aswell. Like you said there was a time it felt like she did care a lot about me. But then to go from that to her not talking to me for days and then being so blunt and cold with me, it just hurts so much. Because she said she “split” from me and made me out to be all bad inside her head. And I saw on some articles that it can even make it so inside her head the whole past connection/relationship wasn’t real and replaces it with false memories or something? So for her it’s like I was always a bad person and she doesn’t even remember all the good times we had. And I’ve been struggling so hard because I’ve felt so stupid for being so hurt and still feeling so hurt and still missing her meanwhile she is just carrying on with her life like nothing happened. That just kills me, because it’s like she’s forgot me and everything we went through. I know we weren’t actually dating and because we lived far away we didn’t actually meet in person, but we did have such good times, we used to talk all day and then FaceTime all night for about 2 months, and I just built such strong feelings for her and I feel so attached to her still. And i don’t know how to let go, it’s like even though I have blocked her on everything and tried my best to help me move on, part of me is still hoping she will come back and message me and say she misses me. But learning what I have yesterday about devaluation and everything I just know that isn’t gonna happen. And I’m really struggling to come to terms with that.

[schwing]

Hi TGS147 and

This was my first real emotional connection to a girl and I just really fell for her. For a while it was all going so good, I developed really strong feelings for her and she seemed like it was the same for her, the way she was talking to me and how much she used to say she wanted me. But then it all kind of just stopped. She became so distant with me and so cold.

I'm sorry that this had to be your first real emotional connection; for a lot of people here, their BPD relationships were their highest highs and lowest lows. The feelings and attachment are/were real however I would argue that because of the BPD, the two of you are "wired" differently when it comes to feelings and how you experience relationships. And this makes a rewarding and stable BPD relationship next to impossible IMHO.

For example, the feelings and your attachment grew as you spent more time with her.  However for someone with BPD, their feelings and attachment are more like either "on" or "off."  Currently she is "off" which it comes to her attachment to you.

She had told me early on she had BPD and fear of abandonment. Ever since she told me that I tried to do everything I could to let her know how much I liked her and how much I cared and that I was never going to leave her. Because truly I never did want to leave her I would have been there for her through anything.

Something to learn about people with BPD (pwBPD), they have a pathological fear of abandonment.  It is normal to have some fear of abandonment.  No one wants to be abandoned. But pwBPD fear even the abandonment that they imagine.  And in my observation their disordered fear of abandonment is triggered by feelings of intimacy -- this is to say, the closer they feel towards you (such as when you express love and care towards them), the more their disordered fear of abandonment can be triggered.  So even though you "never" would intend to leave/abandon her, she stills reacts to her imagination that you would.  And the closer she feels towards you, the more she depends upon you, the more she will imagine that you could abandon her.

So I just left it, after about a week she messaged me asking if she could explain her actions, she said that she did have really strong feelings for me and that things were going well but she had so much other stress going on in her life that she devalued me (she called it splitting) where she convinced herself that I was going to hurt her and leave her so she had to leave first because it was the only thing she could think of doing.

She says that "had so much other stress going on in her life" was the reason she devalued you.  I would argue that the "stress" was because she had "really strong feelings" for you.  And the thing you have to consider, is that when pwBPD are in a major relationship and their disordered fear of abandonment is aggravated in a big manner, the way that they alleviate their fear of abandonment is to be the abandoner.  This is why she cut you off (from your perspective) out of no where.  For some pwBPD, this is perhaps why they have affairs and cheat on us -- this is a way to "abandon" us before we can abandon them.

And I hate myself for getting so attached to someone so quickly, am I just broken? I felt so strongly about her and it feels like that just meant nothing to her, which I now know that it doesn’t matter because if she has split from me, then there is nothing I can do. But what am I meant to do now?

When I look back on my BPD relationship, I do not think my problem was that I got attached too quickly (which I did, I described it as a "love at first sight" kind of experience), my problem was that it took someone to "love bomb" me for me to be willing to make myself vulnerable enough to get that attached in the first place. Before her, I was almost never willing to be the first one to admit I might have amorous feelings.

After my BPD relationship, I accepted that I needed to be the seeker of what I wanted and to not expect a relationship to fall on my lap.  I don't know if this will help you, but that was my experience.

And now that I know there is a “idealisation” phase where she sees me as like someone to help her out of this hole, I’m just wondering is that all I was to her? Did she even actually have feelings for me? Or was it just some phase. The way she used to talk to me would suggest she did have feelings for me. And she did say that she had strong feelings for me but when she split she lost them.

You just have to accept that she is "wired" differently from you.  It would do you good to eventually find someone has feelings and attachment in a manner more similar to how you experience this.

And as difficult as it is for you to understand (and accept) what her experience in a relationship is like, it is equally difficult for pwBPD to understand and accept that other non disordered people's experience.

You cannot convince someone to stop being disordered.  And you cannot love someone enough so that they are "cured."

Best wishes,

Schwing

[TGS147]

I'm sorry that this had to be your first real emotional connection; for a lot of people here, their BPD relationships were their highest highs and lowest lows. The feelings and attachment are/were real however I would argue that because of the BPD, the two of you are "wired" differently when it comes to feelings and how you experience relationships. And this makes a rewarding and stable BPD relationship next to impossible IMHO.

It really did feel like it was getting quite intense in terms of the way we were talking to each other and the love and care and affection we used to give each other. I hadn't really looked into BPD when she told me she had it, maybe that was stupid on my part but the only thing i focused on was how well it was going and nothing else really mattered to me.

For example, the feelings and your attachment grew as you spent more time with her.  However for someone with BPD, their feelings and attachment are more like either "on" or "off."  Currently she is "off" which it comes to her attachment to you.

I just couldnt believe how cold she became towards me, it was like she did not care at all about me and wanted nothing to do with me. In the weeks that past since we stopped talking I was, and still am, holding on to some hope she still cares about me and she still has feelings towards me. Ever since this happened I have just wanted things to go back to how they used to be, and the fact that she does not care anymore and will probably never want me again is something I am struggling to come to terms with. I developed such an attachment and such strong feelings for her because I just thought it was the same for her, I didnt really understand how it was for her with her BPD, I just thought that whatever happened we could get through it together if we both wanted to make it work. So yeah, I still feel such an attachment towards her, and the way she dropped me so suddenly just still really hurts me.

 So even though you "never" would intend to leave/abandon her, she stills reacts to her imagination that you would.  And the closer she feels towards you, the more she depends upon you, the more she will imagine that you could abandon her.

She did tell me she struggles to get close to people and that she was trying not to push me away, I guess it all just got too much for her. But when she told me that I really did so much to show her that I wasnt going to leave her, at the time I thought that if i showed her things could be different. I didnt know how hard it is to build a stable relationship with someone with BPD. I feel so helpless and empty knowing that there was nothing I could have done to stop this. It just makes me feel worse if anything, knowing now that this was always going to happen. Like when we first started speaking and she told me about her BPD i wasnt going to stop talking to her because she was different, Im not that type of person, I wouldve been there for her through anything. But with how things ended I just dont know how to feel, it just feels so empty now without her.

You just have to accept that she is "wired" differently from you.  It would do you good to eventually find someone has feelings and attachment in a manner more similar to how you experience this.

The whole situation is something I am struggling to accept and come to terms with. For me I just really liked her and cared for her and the way things were going at the start I just thought we could have been something together and it all felt so real, for me it just really hurts how she can go from showing me so much affection and care and having such strong feelings for me to now not caring for me at all. In my head all i think of is how she got me attached made me fall so hard for her and then dropped me like I was nothing. And is now carrying on with her life like nothing happened and not caring about me at all, meanwhile Im here feeling so hurt and sad and still attached to her. And that pain and hurt is with me all the time. The hurt of missing her aswell, and just wanting her back. the constant thoughts of what shes going now or who shes talking to, and imagining scenarios in my head of her talking to someone else the way she used to talk to me, it all hurts me so much. Everyday. I really am struggling to let go of her and move on. the idea of talking to any other girl just doesnt appeal to me, I will just be looking for her in them. Her smile her hair her eyes how funny she was, just everything about her and the way we used to talk and everything. I feel like I will never find that again or someone like her again  and what we had for those couple of months. And that is all whats hurting and hits me everyday.

[once removed]

I just feel really stupid for letting myself fall so hard for her, and we weren’t even actually dating so I feel like my feelings are invalid.

you might consider that it was not only an intense relationship, but a loaded bond, that may go beyond attraction.

we have an article here on surviving a breakup with someone with bpd, that talks about this, and it was an eye opener for me when i was going through it. here is a piece from it: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Breaking Up Was Never this Hard
Is this because you partner was so special?

Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you.

Your “BPD” partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve and feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You’ve felt certain that “BPD” partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to see it through.

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was also on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

And i don’t know how to let go,

in my experience, you wont do so just by blocking her, or telling yourself you "shouldnt" feel this way. sure, the pain will dull eventually, but thats not the same thing as letting go, moving on, or learning from it.

letting go of something so complex really requires diving deeper and exploring it...it takes some work, and youre doing that here. 

[TGS147]

in my experience, you wont do so just by blocking her, or telling yourself you "shouldnt" feel this way. sure, the pain will dull eventually, but thats not the same thing as letting go, moving on, or learning from it.

letting go of something so complex really requires diving deeper and exploring it...it takes some work, and youre doing that here. 

Moving on and letting go from her is something I am struggling with. Because I feel such an attachment with her still and all my feelings are still there. I have had a read of that article and it has helped me understand a bit more but that empty feeling is still just there. Just the fact that this was always going to happen and I could not have done anything to stop it and go back to how we used to be at the start, that just makes me feel really rough and just empty.

[once removed]

i think one of the hardest things weve all struggled with is that none of these relationships ended on the terms we would have liked them to, and, often times, we didnt want them to at all.

it leaves you in a sort of limbo, a place of "what ifs", a place of unfinished business, and its kind of like the person you loved has died, yet theyre still breathing and walking and you wonder if you ever knew them.

letting go, in my experience, requires grappling with our greatest fears, the things that hurt us most, asking the hardest questions, as we are able to.

[TGS147]

The thing that hurts the most is just seeing her move on so easily. Seeing her carry on with her life without me. That just really hurts me and I don’t know how to let go of that attachment, and always wondering what she’s doing and who she’s talking to, i am struggling to let go of that and she’s just on my mind all day all the time