Mother with BPD - The Queen

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there,

I'm 35 and have a mother with BPD who demonstrates both traits of the Queen or the Waif depending on the situation.

We haven't spoken for 6 months after being significantly enmeshed but our relationship hasn't been good since I was a teen.

As her daughter, I've been used to carrying the guilt of her life choices, trying to protect her from the world, and also trying to parents her. I do this while she competes with me (and my husband or anyone else who she sees as a threat to being superior in some irrational way), she belittles or down plays my achievements while clawing compliments out of me constantly, her need to be worships has become vulgar. She lies and manipulates in circumstances where it feels beyond bizarre to not tell the truth. She has created a toxic dynamic in our small family and has always found a way to keep my sister and I from being close, often playing comparison games when feeling threatened.

My mum is reaching out to reconnect after 6 months. She's shown no remorse or empathy following our last interaction and has again manipulated the narrative to be seen as a victim of me. I love my mum but I'm too scared to let her back into my life. I have two small children under 4 and I'm concerned of what could happen if I allow her to be in our lives but I'm also sad at the thought of being permanently estranged.

I was hoping to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience or any guidance.

Kindest

[Stevie85]

Hi there,

I'm 35 and have a mother with BPD who demonstrates both traits of the Queen or the Waif depending on the situation.

We haven't spoken for 6 months after being significantly enmeshed but our relationship hasn't been good since I was a teen.

As her daughter, I've been used to carrying the guilt of her life choices, trying to protect her from the world, and also trying to parents her. I do this while she competes with me (and my husband or anyone else who she sees as a threat to being superior in some irrational way), she belittles or down plays my achievements while clawing compliments out of me constantly, her need to be worships has become vulgar. She lies and manipulates in circumstances where it feels beyond bizarre to not tell the truth. She has created a toxic dynamic in our small family and has always found a way to keep my sister and I from being close, often playing comparison games when feeling threatened.

My mum is reaching out to reconnect after 6 months. She's shown no remorse or empathy following our last interaction and has again manipulated the narrative to be seen as a victim of me. I love my mum but I'm too scared to let her back into my life. I have two small children under 4 and I'm concerned of what could happen if I allow her to be in our lives but I'm also sad at the thought of being permanently estranged.

I was hoping to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience or any guidance.

Kindest

[beatricex]

hi Stevie85,
I relate to the loving a BPD'd mom, but also knowing she is not good for me.

Perhaps with more time and distance you will find the courage and strength to have low contact, but with much much stronger boundaries? 

I think something that I didn't grasp until I had gone NC with my mom for 7 years, is that it doesn't have to be all or nothing.  But it takes incredible willpower, growth and insight into what your heart wants and what your head says is really possible.
 
b

[Guilttripped30]

I relate to everything you say except for the part where you haven’t talked for six months. The guilt kills me if I don’t talk to her for more than a day, mostly because I know she will have some negative  comment. I have gotten to the point where I can’t stand her anymore. I hate being around her but I do it so she doesn’t say I’m a bad daughter. Which she does either way. She constantly compares my sister and I and feels we are conspiring against her if we as so much say anything about her behind her back. I have a two year old son, who loves her dearly, but she constantly makes me feel like I’m a bad mom and she is the “only one” who knows how to take care of my child. She is constantly meddling in my marriage or put me in the middle of her arguments with everyone else. When I gave birth she made it about herself and felt disrespected that I didn’t have her in the room with me at all times. She cause a huge scene with my husband and his family. She yelled and cursed at me while I was in the hospital recovering from a C section.  What was suppose to be my time, she stole and to this days says it was my fault because I disrespected her. She never admits to anything. I can’t deal with her anymore. I feel trapped.

[Stevie85]

Hi Guilttripped30,
I can really relate to your birth story! But instead of a birth it was our wedding. I let her give a speech, I let her husband (my step father) give a speech at her request, she had her hair and makeup down and was with me all day and all night. She sat one seat from me, and I even let her walk down the aisle! She was talked out of wearing a white dress by her then husband. Can you imagine! After all of this, she told me that she had a horrible time because I was abusive to her all day. I couldn't recall a single interaction that was negative. She still to this day gets a solemn and vulnerably pout on if our wedding is brought up. The feeling of thinking that outside of letting HER be the bride I don't know how I could have done more is never lost. Your birth story reminds me of this.

Since I was a teen I've learnt slowly that keeping information from her altogether was safer for my mental wellbeing. Not telling her of any arguments with my husband, not introducing her to my friends, not talking about my sister with her. It was the only way I could stop her clutching onto information and using it to erode my relationships. This has become consistently worse over the last 10 years to the point where our last run in I had no choice but to cease communication. Since then she's used my sister, social media, even contacted my husband to try and redirect the narrative.

I had a miscarriage during lockdown and I have two children under 4. She called me to talk about her new boyfriend, the fact he was a doctor and the sports car he drives. In that moment I knew. I knew I couldn't continue to shoulder the burden of her emotions while my needs remain completely invisible. She became (because of my children) a liability that I could no longer afford.

[madeline7]

I can relate as well. And I have a birth story too, and now that I'm a grandma I am both triggered that she ruined what could have been the best day of my life, but also relieved that I have a great relationship with my daughter and allowed her birth story to be about her and her beautiful baby. I tend to be an optimistic person by nature, and don't want to be all doom and gloom here, and of course realize that everyone is different and every story is different but... I am not a 35 year old with young children at home. In hindsight, i wish I had the resources that are now available to give me the tools I could have used when I was younger. Enabling my uBPDm has not helped in any way. Her maladaptive behaviors have been reinforced, and she is now quite elderly. The thing is, I am no longer young myself, and feel so much time and effort has been wasted on someone who refused to get help and just blamed others for her happiness. This pandemic has given me the opportunity to reflect on many things. I cannot change the past, but will work hard to maintain the healthier boundaries I have put in place the past year.

[GaGrl]

My birth was the event that changed our family dynamics with my mother's uBPD/NPD stepmother (who had parented my mother since Mom was six years old). My step-grandmother showed up to direct "baby comes home from hospital" proceedings and managed to insult my dad's family. D
Six weeks later, Dad moved us 200 miles away. It was the best action he could have taken. In those days, communications were by snail mail or infrequent and expensive long distance calls. My parents carefully monitored our interactions with SGM. My grandfather was enabling. Our visits were short and infrequent. Even so, I knew something was "off" -- I was actually relieved when I learned at age 10 that she wasn't my mother's "real" mother (who had died).

Sometimes, we will take action for our children when we can't do it for ourselves.