Feeling desperate

[Issabella]

This is my first post. Actually, I am not quite sure what I want to achieve with it ... guess, I just really need to talk with people who had similar experiences. I have a hard time and struggle.
My husband has BPD and we have separated a week or so ago. We are living in a foreign country; we have bought a small apartment when we first moved there. Since our greatest wish was to live in a rural environment in order to be self-sufficient (with a big garden), we bought a house in 2018. The apartment is currently being rented (both the apartment and house belong to the bank, we are in dept). My husband has a long history of substance abuse (mostly alcohol, but also other things) - since he was a teenager. I know him since my teenage years and was in love with him since forever. We lost contact since then and became a couple in our 30s. He was (or still is) the love of my life - although now I am aware why I was so attracted to him and that this was probably due to BPD and my own shortcomings. Since we moved to the house, things started spiraling out of control. I recently started an education in the field of psychology and found out in August 2020 that he has BPD (I was 100% sure, textbook example). Prior to that, I was extremely confused and could not understand what the fights were all about. I presented this idea to him and after initial resistance, he finally admitted that it could be possible. He agreed to medication (although in my opinion he did not receive the right one) and therapy, which he started recently (unfortunately behavioral therapy, not DBT, since there are no such specialists where we live). He was abusive on so many levels (verbal and physical) when irritated and destroyed various things around the house. Since we own the house, he also became a real alcoholic. Despite promising me he will quit drinking, he never did. He drank a lot in December and did not want to quit in January 2021. He had extreme episodes and threw me (physically) out of our house a week or so ago. I went to my parents in the neighboring country (and commuting). I am currently still in education and will not earn an income until September. My husband lost his job (due to his episodes, not answering the phone when called by his boss – he was drunk due to us fighting, swallowed pills and smashed his car). I am aware I cannot go back until he is better although I do not know if this will ever be the case. I am so sad and angry with myself for making the mistake to buy a house with him. I still love him (we are together for 8 years), he writes angry texts, then sad ones … and I do not know what to do, I am so extremely desperate.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Issabella, Welcome!  Don't beat yourself up!  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  You did the best you could in an extremely stressful situation.  Your story is quite familiar, and many of us here have been in your shoes.  The first step, in my view, is to return the focus to yourself, to you and your needs.  Be kind to yourself and self-compassionate.  Suggest you let go of any need to take care of your H, as he's responsible for his own well-being.  Feel free to pose any specific questions.

LuckyJim

[Issabella]

Thank you for your reply. I try to focus on myself but it is very hard.. I miss him a lot and consider going back since I still love him very much. I know he still loves me too, we went trough a lot together and also had many unforgettable moments together. I just wish he would stop drinking since his BPD is more manageble if he does not drink/take any substances. Unfortunately, the friends he has live this way and this is what really scares me cos he is an extremely social person and I cannot imagine him not seeing them.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there Issabella-

I am truly sorry for what you’ve gone through.  And very sorry that you’re missing your BPDh.  I’m sure you feel love for him, and when he’s not physically abusing you and screaming at you, he probably feels love for you, too.  I know my words sound harsh and painful as written.  We’ve all been through this, my friend.  This is the Detaching Board.

And we have to help each other avoid our wishful thinking.

Returning to him BEFORE he changes significantly will signal to him that every one of his damaging and destructive behaviors are fine with you. 
*It will mean that it’s okay for him to physically abuse you. 
*It’s okay for him to drink to excess and abuse substances whenever he wants. 
*It’s okay for him to destroy your home and property.
*It’s okay for him to cease therapy and medication at any time.
*It’s okay for him to use vile and abusive words against you, perhaps even in front of his drinking buddies.  And they may find that funny.
*It’s okay for him to interrupt your studies.
*It’s okay for him to control every penny, dollar, pound or euro of the money you begin to earn.

*And... it’s okay for him to NEVER work again.

He’s making a choice.  His drinking, social circle, violent behavior, social lifestyle and violence toward his wife are his priorities... regardless of his periodic “sad” text messages.

Please keep in mind, after leaving/returning the first time, BPD and abusive partners are often not so willing to let a person out of their sight to do that again.  Just a thought.

So my friend, if you believe “love” is enough, BEFORE you go back, please look down the load another 2, 3 or 5 years... what do you see?  I mean REALLY see?  Not what do you HOPE to see?

Can you say a bit about this?

I am truly sorry.  I do understand...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Arizona]

Hello Isabella

Hearing your story is like hearing mine. Although my BPD partner is not physically abusive, the degree of instability and emotional abuse takes a toll despite our knowledge in the field of mental health. I agree with previous posts that focusing on ourselves is all we truly have power over. As healers we have a natural inclination to think about others, at the expense of ourselves (our sanity, careers, finances, self respect). I can humbly share that I have to work hard on my issues every day and it’s hard. I go to CODA groups and check in on these posts as needed (probably should do it more regularly).  Our brains want to revert to thinking about them (BPD in our life). Their BPD issues started way before our relationships with them, We didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we cannot fix it. They have to do the work. We (and they) sometimes need to hit rock bottom to wake up and do the work to heal.

Keep posting and stay connected. It helps to not feel alone in this.