Radical acceptance: have you done it

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have a borderline daughter, 16, who has all of the typical traits. Before she started acting out she was taking a lot of ballet classes and was on the way to becoming a principal ballerina. I’m having a very hard time letting go. Can anybody tell me how they have done radical acceptance.

[Mom92124]

I have a borderline daughter, 16, who has all of the typical traits. Before she started acting out she was taking a lot of ballet classes and was on the way to becoming a principal ballerina. I’m having a very hard time letting go. Can anybody tell me how they have done radical acceptance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Ballet kept my BPD d 'connected' for quite some time too, and I can understand how it feels when that slips away.

Does your daughter give any explanation - or what is happening that leads you to see that she is drifting away from dance? She must have talent to be at this point.

It is such a difficult thing to deal with. If you feel like giving more details, that would be good.

[Sancho]

Your post has been on my mind a lot the last couple of days - trying to think about the process of radical acceptance and whether I am even there now! I know I have let go of so many things - the normal hopes that one has I suppose.

I think when DD was 16 I was focused on trying to get her the help she needed. Has your daughter seen a health professional? Perhaps she is not willing to do this?

I think what happened in my case was that I came to accept that the pathway she had was not going to work with her instability etc and I really focused on trying to get help for her. Letting go was easier when I was focused on that task.

[Resiliant]

Hi Mom92124,

I read your post the day that you posted it.  What a GREAT question!

I thought that it would be easy to answer, since I have been practicing Radical Acceptance for many years.  Yet, as I lay in bed trying to figure out my answer as to how I practice that I was lost for answers.  My only answer is that yes - I "practice" all the time!

For me, radical acceptance means not only accepting reality, but a reality that you wouldn't otherwise want to accept and would want to "fix" or change.   I have accepted the reality that my son is not like others, is not mentally healthy like most people that I know and that this is not something that I can fix or find an easy answer for.   I have hope, but I am not clinging to it.  I have faith, yet I realize that this is his journey. 

My son is 32 now, and way back when he was around 18-19 years old I almost got him into a doctor's appointment.  He was complaining of anxiety and something else and I had to see the doctor for something so I suggested a back to back appointment.  I almost succeeded, he came as far as the waiting room but at the last minute he backed out, saying that he "didn't trust Western Medicine".   I talked to my doctor about it and he said "Look - you are a Mom.  And as a Mom you want to fix everything.  There are some things that you cannot fix".  Then he said something about these kids and he ended up with saying "He will be okay.  Some of these kids are on the street corner washing car windows, but they are okay".     His words scared me and killed me - yet at the same time they were my first introduction to radical acceptance.

All I can say is this: 

We need to accept that we are no longer in control.  With great sadness we accept that we can no longer kiss everything better.   We accept that we did everything we could to give our children the best lives we could, and to help them become healthy and productive adults.   We have to accept our new reality.   We will walk this journey that we never expected to travel.  And we will continue to love our loved ones for who we know is still inside them, hidden beneath the pain.   We accept that their anger, their resentment and their lashing out is from real pain, real suffering even if we don't understand it.  To me, that is radical acceptance.  Accepting a reality that is strange to me and that I struggle to understand to it's fullness, yet I know is true.

Thanks for asking such a great question.

R

[daylily21]

Thank you for this reply, Resiliant -

I loved your last paragraph.

It is evident in how I keep hoping somehow I can reach my daughter and have her remember that I am not an enemy but an ally - that I am not accepting her as she is right now. Good to remember too that I am not in control.  She is an adult, living on her own, with the independence to be her own person. I can accept it or not, but you're right... I can't "fix" her, or anything, besides myself.

[Resiliant]

I keep hoping somehow I can reach my daughter and have her remember that I am not an enemy but an ally.

I too, find it incredibly difficult to “get through” to my son especially to get him to see that I too am his ally, not his enemy as you said.   Just the other day I reminded him that we both have the same goal and we both want the same thing -  a loving relationship.  How can this be so hard if we both have the same goal?   I suppose each of us on our own terms. He says I used to be his “rock”.  All that changed around the age of 25 when my husband stood up (maybe a little too agressfully) to his ranting and raging and I supported my husband.   Valerie Porr, author of “Overcoming Borderline Disorder, A family Guide for Healing and Change” has a YouTube video where she compares trying to help your BPD child to a father who’s child has slipped under the ice and has drifted away from the hole.  The father can see the child desperately begging for help but feels powerless. 

You mentioned:

That I am not not accepting her as she is right now.

What do you mean by that?   Do you mean that you are not accepting her behaviour?   Do you think that you can accept her, the way she is right now even though she has not lived up to your expectations?

Hugs

R

[Swimmy55]

Very thought provoking...   I found I really couldn't  answer this post initially because I have not fully embraced radical acceptance of my son .  Yet.  It is a slow work in progress, as I had made it my life's mission to fix him even if it killed me.  It almost did quite literally when he became violent.  It took all the strength I had to not give my son money last year when he texted me( he is deep into drugs too).  I was actually dreading the phone to ring for months thereafter.

  I like the thought of being accepting of the person if not the behavior, thank you for that.

 How I am trying to do radical acceptance: Right now, I attend Nar- anon  online.  It is a free 12 step program for families of addicts.  I also go to CODA ( co dependent's anonymous)online.  Both teach acceptance, detachment.  I hope one day I "get it" .

[daylily21]

Thank you. That was a thought provoking question to consider, about what I am not accepting - my daughter as she is now or my daughter's behavior. 

My son's fiancee experiences BPD behaviors with my son, her parents & siblings (except she has been hospitalized twice for being suicidal), and she sees me as an ally. I can listen to her vent, validate her concerns and be neutral, precisely because we are not related.  The irony is glaring how I can accept her fully, because I don't have expectations with her.  Life is funny sometimes.

And yes, I have some stored-away expectations attached to what I hoped my mother-daughter relationship would be, and feel that tug of sadness when friends share their close relationships with their daughters -- Shopping, doing 'girl' things together, etc. Frankly, she hadn't wanted to do those things with me for a long time. Deep down it feels like she wants to see me hurt and punished and is using the only leverage she thinks she has. 

On the plus side, my husband and I are actively nurturing our circle of friends (a little tougher to do during COVID, but doable) and keeping the door open to re-connect with extended family as soon as they feel it's safe. 

Swimmy55, I appreciate your comments too.

[parent of bpd daughter]

This is a great post - Radical Acceptance - I am reading a book now by this name by Tara Brach - the concept of Radical Acceptance I think came from Buddhism and I am surely not the Dalai Lama and this seems so far beyond my reach with my own BPD daughter. The guilt eats at me 24x7 - if I would have just ... or I should have done ... What can I do with my life to try and find meaning with my daughter lost forever to this disease? How can I radically accept that she hates me and the dreams I had for a happy family forever gone. Maybe I should join a convent or find some way to help the world to try and fill this giant hole. Peace to all of us here.

[Woody59]

I can relate to all of this. Feeling hated when you think that you gave your all is very painful. However, I think coming to terms with the lack of control of an adult's decisions is crucial. I'm struggling with this myself. Hopefully one day the circumstances will improve but not before the adult child can own some responsibility for his/her  life and choices.