I've realized I need to get out of this relationship

[Cnvi]

Ugh she's reactivated social media (she disabled it at least a year ago while we were dating), at 4:40AM she changed the emoji in our Facebook chat to ping me a notification.

[livednlearned]

I keep being plagued by self doubt, I know deep down I want out of this but I can feel her trying to pull me back in so forcefully, it's agonizing.

How would it play out if you agreed to stay together?

Maybe put aside making a decision for now and go through scenarios of what getting clean looks like for you two.

Change the narrative she is driving. In an unskilled way she's asking you to be strong enough to be in a relationship with her dual-diagnosis issues, and you are trying to tell her you aren't sure, which is a form of strength she finds threatening given her abandonment issues (likely to become more intense during recovery).

Maybe walk through questions the two of you could discuss to see if this is about genuinely setting up for success or more of a loyalty test.

For example: To have a relationship with her, do you need to be seeing a counselor regularly? Does she need to be in an outpatient treatment program for dual diagnosis? Can you see each other during her treatment? Are you permitted to drink alcohol or do drugs during her recovery? What about after she gets clean? What happens if she decides she doesn't need counseling? Will she get treatment for her addictions only, or for underlying mental illness?

For married couples, the statistics for success aren't great when one partner has an addiction. Divorce is four times as likely to occur, and that's after the addicted partner is in recovery. This is assuming that the non-addicted partner is not dealing with addiction too, and of course in a marriage there are vows and houses and kids and other things holding the family together.  

You two don't have that history so the bond, even if you love each other, will benefit from guard rails. Back-sliding is likely and it helps to set up in advance how you'll deal with that.

If I were in your shoes, I would focus on working through questions about what comes next. If she insists on 100 percent certainty before discussing the issues, then she may be more focused on controlling you than getting help for her addictions.

[Cnvi]

I spoke with her mom and she started pushing me back in sort of. Explaining that she just wants to know if I'm "In" or "Out", and that I can be "In" and still say I need space. We talked for 25 minutes and I felt pulled in a direction, called a friend and he pushed me back the other way. It's exhausting to be so back and forth.

How would it play out if you agreed to stay together?

I'm not even sure, I feel like there's so many items that would need to be checked, and I'd be stressing about them 24/7. Her sobriety, her mental stability, her social anxiety, her self harm. And as you said during recovery things are likely to get worse for a while.

Maybe walk through questions the two of you could discuss to see if this is about genuinely setting up for success or more of a loyalty test.

For example: To have a relationship with her, do you need to be seeing a counselor regularly? Does she need to be in an outpatient treatment program for dual diagnosis? Can you see each other during her treatment? Are you permitted to drink alcohol or do drugs during her recovery? What about after she gets clean? What happens if she decides she doesn't need counseling? Will she get treatment for her addictions only, or for underlying mental illness?

[...]

If I were in your shoes, I would focus on working through questions about what comes next. If she insists on 100 percent certainty before discussing the issues, then she may be more focused on controlling you than getting help for her addictions.

I'll talk about this with my counselor and I guess I can have a discussion with her tonight with these questions, truthfully I'm unsure about staying in the relationship though. But I also feel guilt for leaving her at her lowest and then wanting her at her best, which she's planted in my head.

[livednlearned]

It's exhausting to be so back and forth.

Not sure how the mom is getting involved in her adult daughter's relationship, but ok.

They have a different timeline than you.

You: uncertain, need space and professional support to understand how you feel
Them: make up your mind now, then take space, go get help. Or else.

This is a big commitment to take on with reservations  

From a negotiation standpoint, they are holding firm and asking you to make the concessions.

Your choices are to change the narrative (let's come to a compromise) or hold your line (insist on asking for time).

To be honest, it is odd that the mom is getting on board with asking you to stick it out. Haven't you let her know the ways in which you enabled her daughter?

Are you feeling pressured by the mom to stay?

[Cat Familiar]

This is classic Karpman Triangle stuff with her mom getting involved.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

It’s totally unhealthy for her mother to insert herself into your decision making about the relationship.

In a nutshell, she wants you to be Rescuer, while her daughter is Victim. And if you won’t do that, then you’re cast as Persecutor.

[Cat Familiar]

That her mother would behave like that leads me to believe that there’s a lot of toxicity in the mother-daughter relationship, though you say she’s her daughter’s “rock”, perhaps enabler is a more accurate description.

This manipulativeness from both mother and daughter is something that you will have to deal with should you choose to be in a long term relationship with the daughter.

[Cnvi]

First meeting with my counselor was amazing, he gave me mental clarity on what I was trying to reach for. I'm about to go into another session with him and then head to talk to her and lay things out.

I'll post an update later tonight, or in the morning if I'm too emotionally drained when I get home.

[Cnvi]

So my counselor walked me through my habits of codependency and how I was enabling her, how I put her first over my own well being and mental health, etc. He helped me find more concrete explanations for my fear of her suicidal attempts and how her addiction made me try and control her to try and take care of her.

"Don't go back with promises of change, only go back when there has been consistent change over time."

I have as much work to do as her, but in different areas (codependency and enabling) and we both need to work on ourselves.

After my second session I had written out half a page of things to tell her, I packed all her stuff into my car, drove her dog to her sisters and dropped him off, and then went to her mothers to talk to her. Luckily her mom gave us space and went somewhere on her way home. I had called her already and told her what my decision was.

As expected she didn't react well to hearing that I wasn't going to take her back and that I wanted the relationship to hit pause and us to focus on ourselves with boundaries in place. It was a circling conversation of her saying she would get healthy (or blossom) without me and never forgive me for it, I'd never see her again, this relationship is special and I'm giving up on it and her. I stood my ground and told her repeatedly that I needed space to work on myself, and told her if she wanted to talk again we could talk on Friday or Saturday, she exploded at this questioning why I wanted to wait multiple days to talk to her. Saying she wants to hug and kiss me and ask me how my day was. Then it turned to how she was going to recover and become healthy in spite of me, use this as fuel to make her the best version of herself, and I won't hear from her ever again.

It was rough, the conversation was a circle but I had steeled myself. Eventually she said I'd given up on her and didn't love her anymore, she handed me some notes I had wrote her that she had in a picture frame and a valentine's card I made her last year and then handed me back the letter I wrote with my counselor. We unpacked her stuff and she told me to take care of myself, then left the front door open a bit expecting me to follow her in right after saying goodbye forever.

I sat in my car for a minute and then drove off, texted her mom that it didn't work out and asked her to keep being there for her and apologized that it was such a mess in the end.

5 minutes later she messaged me on Facebook sending me 20-30 photos of us and saying she really hoped there was going to be a better/different outcome and that she truly loved me, then wished me the best.

15 minutes after that she called me asking where I left the Xanax I brought her (a friend of mine explained how bad quitting that cold turkey is, it can lead to seizures, so I gave her a few to slowly ween herself off over the next few days, if she's responsible they will last 10-12 days) and I left them at her sisters house a block away so her mom can grab them and manage them. She asked me to come back and talk to her, I said there was no point as she wanted one thing and I wanted the opposite. She asked me to meet in the middle and I said there isn't a middle here, if she wants to talk again we can set time on Friday (after my counselor) or Saturday, I'm going to have to start enforcing boundaries.

I told her I'm heading home and turning my phone off, so if she tries to reach me that's why she can't (explaining I'm not blocking her number) and she essentially said I'll never hear from her again.

We'll see.

[CoherentMoose]

Nice job preparing for and holding your boundary.  Expect extinction bursts, but hopefully, now that you've had a win, you can continue to hold your boundary and path forward with your life.  CoMo

[Cnvi]

She called me yesterday simply to ask what I wanted to do with the duffel bags I had put her clothes in. I told him there was no rush on getting those back so she doesn't need to worry about them, we don't use them regularly or anything and we have others.

Then she called me just now and said, well, a lot.

If I want to work on myself by myself she will respect it, but it is the end of us for good.

She's trying to understand me, I seem scared of her, and explains that at the start of the relationship when covid hit I had her move in with me and she was trying to go back to her apartment but I forced her to stay, and I got angry with her (this would be my codependant / caretaker kicking in)

She said I wasn't able to communicate with her because of how I grew up as an only child, I've never been able to be vulnerable and talk about my emotions with her correctly. I didn't talk / don't talk to anyone, I internalize almost everything. She was saying for the past 2 months that something felt off / different with me and constantly asked about it, I would just tell her everything is alright. If I was able to tell her earlier on that I was losing control / what she was doing that was hurting me, she could have tried to discuss things with me and we wouldn't be in this position. And also told me that a lot of the relationship stress was due to COVID, first because I forced her to move in with me (I had said that staying in my basement suite was better than riding an elevator daily in terms of contact, and I can honestly admit that I did pressure this.)

She wants to know that I'm really out, that I'm done. And if I want space she wants an understanding of what space entails, and why I'm so desperate for it. Why do I have to be away from her? When we talked in person and I dropped her things off she said we could push back to seeing eachother 2-3 days a week and talking a bit inbetween. She wants me to meet her in the middle (between space, and being together I guess?)

She told me she sacrificed some of her own well being and mental health for me and listed a few: me forcing her out to a halloween party (this was one of the nights that ended up starting me be scared of her I think), she wanted me to go have guy nights, go meet my friends at the bar and always offered to come grab me, she told me to play the video games i wanted to play and felt guilty about things, she only wanted my happiness.

In her eyes if we can't work on this together, she can't just be apart from me for months and then come back to me. And it seems like I've been unsure of this relationship for so long.

She also doesn't think that I can handle that she is so vulnerable, and how strong she is.

Then went on to say that if she had felt enough love from me then she wouldn't have had to numb herself from her emotions for he past few months.

That one struck something with me, she's consistently saying I showed her little to no love and affection, and she just outright blamed me for her usage there by not loving her enough.. this does coincide somewhat with the fact that I was becoming more distant from October onwards, but her usage was already bad before this and she was using daily, albeit small amounts, since the spring.

She reminded me that I told her I didn't know what to say to friends when they came to me for deep advice, and that I felt horrible about it. She replied back then with "You just talk to them and see how they're doing, just be there for them." said that is proof that I have not been vulnerable or shown her love.

She believes that I've been skewing / feeding biased versions of our relationship to everyone I've been seeking advice from.

I told her I have another appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon and I need to talk to him about this. She said we can talk afterwards, but she needs me to decide then.

I'm second guessing things again. She also said that she's still determined to get clean and do some DBT therapy, but it sounds like she will only do serious therapy (long term to get proper treatment) if whoever she is with wants her to and does it with her.

[Cnvi]

She also reminded me during that phone call that as we started seeing each other many people were interested in her / asking her out, but she told them she had a boyfriend..

[Cat Familiar]

“she will only do serious therapy if whoever she is with wants her to and does it with her.”

How does that strike you?

[livednlearned]

Then went on to say that if she had felt enough love from me then she wouldn't have had to numb herself from her emotions for he past few months.

Dude, the only person responsible for her addiction is her.

I can't say this enough.

She is an addict and you were part of her habit.

Anything less than full accountability is her lying to herself and lying to you.

This messy stuff at the end of a relationship is two-sided.

You're both saying one thing and doing another.

Her: I'm stronger than you but somehow also your victim. I respect that this is what you want but not really because I'm arguing for why you're wrong.
 
You: I know what I want. Let me check with other people first.

This is pretty standard stuff for two people ending a relationship. It's messy.

You can love her and at the same time know that this isn't the right person for you.
She can know you aren't the right person and want to be with you anyway.

You'll get stronger each time you clear these obstacles in your path  

[Cnvi]

So I was heading to my work for a meeting with my boss and I had told her I would stop by to drop off a bag of her dogs stuff that I had forgotten, 5 minutes on my way to her place she called me and asked me to turn around and bring her cocaine.

I was completely taken aback, she was 6-7 days sober, and I said no. She then told me she was packing her stuff up at her moms and was going to head into the downtown centre of the area she's in and she will do whatever it takes to get some, eventually she starts telling me that I'm a piece of sh** and I've ruined her life, says that I've destroyed so many of my friends lives and I feel nothing about it.

I am not comfortable with the next thing I am about to talk about being on a public forum indefinitely, so I've linked it on an expiring link that will stop working after a month. Please click this link (https://pastebin.com/a2G6MCgf) and use the password "lost" without quotes to view this paragraph.

She said so many hurtful things to me, and repeatedly told me she had no money and was going to do whatever it took to get the drugs. She literally told me she would sell her body for them. My heart is f***ing broken.

She told me don't bother coming to her moms to drop the dogs stuff off, she won't be there. She sent me a message saying.

"I will die, the same day _____ died because no one was there for her. I didn't realize it until it was too late and I felt all the pain she did.

You're blocked from now on. Don't ever contact me again."

*Blank* is her close friend who I believe died from an overdose about 6-7 years ago, I called her mom and she left work and started racing home. I dropped the dogs stuff off at her sisters house quickly and she called me again as I was almost at my work, berating me and telling me I'm a horrible person who ruins lives, everything that's happened to her is my fault. Saying she's going to see her friend soon, and her ex-boyfriend who killed himself several years ago.

She says f*** this and f*** me, there's no point in anything. I can work on myself and be a f***ing asshole and she's going to do whatever she wants, I'm not her boyfriend and I can't control her anymore.

I call her mom and explain I have a small amount of the stuff left, it's just been sitting at my house because I want nothing to f***ing do with it at this point. I've been sober (except for a few drinks) since Friday as I try and work through all of this. I ask her if giving this to her daughter will stop her from trying to head into the sketchy downtown area to get it and she says it might, hopefully after a few hours this episode will pass and she will start working through things.

I call my friend as I'm driving back to the neighbourhood and he tells me this is a bad idea, we decide I should meet her mom as she's getting home and pass it to her (it's truly a small amount, it's about as much as she would do over an entire day, sometimes two days when things were good).

I met her mom down the street and passed her it, talked to her for a few minutes, she told me that the daughter hasn't said anything about thinking I'm a bad person in the last 4 days she's been clear headed but she thinks this is her trying to get over her last addiction.. which is me.

She called me after her mom came home, her airpods were messing up and I couldn't hear her the first 3 calls, but I did hear her and her mom yelling. I heard her shrieking like I've never heard before. Finally she disconnected bluetooth and said me and her mom are controlling her and she's done with us.

I tried to call her mom after and she texted me saying, "She is devastated. Let it go." and I assume she means the relationship and her collectively.

I talked to my friend the rest of the drive trying not to have an anxiety attack, then I headed into a meeting with my boss as my head was swimming.

I'm not second guessing things anymore, at all. But I truly care about this woman and I want the best for her, if she ends up on the street doing anything for drugs I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

[Cnvi]

I realize I made a mistake in giving her it, my dad and my friends have both told me this now, but once I said I would I felt obligated to out of fear that she would hurt herself or go 'do whatever is necessary' to attain some.

Oh, F.O.G., hello old friend.

[ForeverDad]

There's another phrase here... negative engagement.  Somehow, some way, no matter what you do, it's never right and never enough.

You complied rather than flushing it and and it all went sour.

Appeasing, complying with demands and manipulation, whatever, it's not a solution.

My local talk radio has a recording for when they mention some news item where things done made it worse, someone on a megaphone, "Just Walk Away".

[livednlearned]

Super hard stuff.

You got a good look at how she deals with intense emotional pain and it's not pretty to see. She will hurt herself to feel better and hurt everyone she loves while she's at it.

Giving her the drugs maybe calmed her for now.

It may also tell her that particular boundary is a door she can kick in. It worked this time, so it might work next time too.  

I would seriously consider getting rid of anything sitting around your house and let her family take over.

[Cnvi]

There's another phrase here... negative engagement.  Somehow, some way, no matter what you do, it's never right and never enough.

You complied rather than flushing it and and it all went sour.

Appeasing, complying with demands and manipulation, whatever, it's not a solution.

My local talk radio has a recording for when they mention some news item where things done made it worse, someone on a megaphone, "Just Walk Away".

Yeah I was flustered for sure, I know what to expect now. My friend who is a counselor told me I need to literally hit back with "that is your decision" or "that's your call" if she threatens to go find it by some other means.

Super hard stuff.

You got a good look at how she deals with intense emotional pain and it's not pretty to see. She will hurt herself to feel better and hurt everyone she loves while she's at it.

Giving her the drugs maybe calmed her for now.

It may also tell her that particular boundary is a door she can kick in. It worked this time, so it might work next time too. 

I would seriously consider getting rid of anything sitting around your house and let her family take over.

She definitely will view this as a door she can kick in again, and I'm going to have to stand my ground if there's another attempt. It won't be pretty.

I'm 100% leaving this in her moms hands now. She keeps activating her Facebook and updating our chat emoji / theme, or sending me messages (and then deleting them..), then deactivating her Facebook. It's mentally exhausting, almost to the same regard as power calling. I have the Facebook chat muted and I've kept my phone on silent for the past 2 days, aside from yesterday she hasn't been spam messaging / calling but I'm getting stressed that it will start getting worse..

I messaged her mom this morning simply asking if things went okay last night, just trying to understand if she managed to calm her down, it might be selfish of me to ask about this as it's for my own mental well being, but I'm worried for her, her mom, and slightly for myself.

[Cnvi]

I apologize in advance for the massive text dump I'm about to unload here, but unfortunately I can't have an appointment with my counselor until next week and I need somewhere to vent and (hopefully) find some support.

So I haven't posted for 2 weeks and things were going good after the last incident, she was at her moms recovering and doing better. We had limited contact through texting, she was respecting that I needed space. It seemed like she had come to terms with the fact that the relationship was over.

1. Valentine's Day

She messaged me 6 days ago asking if she could drop my things off the next day (Valentine's Day), I replied a bit later and said "Sorry for the late reply, yeah that would be great  You can leave it in the corner by the door. Thanks." and it was very stressful to send the message, I was worried I was being standoffish. I then sent another text telling her I would leave a small box with a few of her things in it outside also.

When she dropped everything off, she gave back gifts I gave her, some art I had printed for her, a cute couch pillow I got her for xmas and other small things like that.

One of my parents walked up to the front door while she was dropping the stuff off and she was about to write me a note on the box, then she said she didn't want to be 'manipulative' so she didn't. She gave my parent a hug and said she's doing well.

And she also left me a small gift of a few sodas that we had bought/tried previously, these were new and different flavors, an envelope that said "Valentine's Day" but the card inside was a birthday card, and there was no writing in it. The front of the card said things like "You're the man I love ... I love everything about you ... The sound of your voice (etc) ... I love your gentle looks and the warmth I feel at your side" That kind of stuff.. Inside it just says "Happy Birthday" printed in the card.

I messaged her back the next day to avoid any Happy Valentine's Day messages and thanked her for the drinks and that I hope she was doing well. She replied that she hoped I was doing well and she missed me, I said that I was doing okay and was focusing on self improvement and exercise and told her I missed her also. She replied, "That’s good, me too! Well if you ever want to hang out just as friends just let me know. Have a great day" .. I said that I would like that, and we can set something up in a bit.. tried to leave it open ended, at this point I'm too scared to say something like maybe in a few weeks, the wound is still fresh.. etc.

2. Yesterday

She messaged the day before yesterday reminding me that I had a mattress topper of hers at my place still and asked when she could pop by to grab it, I said message me tomorrow and she did around 6PM.

She asked to come in quickly and grab it, I was hesitant but she told me to understand how strong she is / that she has no interest in drugs anymore and just wants to see me quickly, I ended up complying. I also had a bit of her workout stuff that I handed her as well and gave her some of her logins/passwords for some apps that I had saved on my computer.

She said that I still seem afraid of her and she doesn't really understand why I am [afraid of her], she also said she didn't want to push me to talk about any of this and piss me off. Told her I didn't really have a response for that right now, I could hopefully get a better grip on things with some more counseling sessions and get back to her.

Overall she seemed to be doing really well, she's been sober for 2 weeks now and was very present in the conversation, but I have no idea if she's doing any recovery programs or therapy of any sort, didn't want to push the button.

I carried the stuff to her car and gave her a hug after, a pretty long hug, and she told me she missed this stuff. That part was rough.

3. Today

Today was another roller coaster like 3 weeks ago. She messaged me at 9AM a heart emoji then said it was an accident / mistext.

Then an hour and a half later when she was at the at the dentist they sedated her to get some work done and she started crying about me.

She called me a few minutes later crying and said she was leaving the dentist, she sounded like she'd given up on something, she said she had "something else to do" and "not to worry about it" and that she was heading to her apartment.

A few things she said: She loves me so much still, She wants me to have a happy life, Says I'm an amazing person and I'll find someone, I clearly don't want to be with her anymore, She's tired of this game / back and forth that we've been playing and she thinks that I'm already sleeping with other girls.

She called me again (while I was talking to a friend trying to calm down) and was in the car with her mom who was driving her back to her apartment because she's decided to go back there, she asked me if she could come by and grab some of the xanax pills I still have. I said yes, I shouldn't have. Then she asked if her mom could drop her off (she was late for work) and I could take her back to her apartment, I said yes hesitantly then I grabbed my jacket and I met her outside.

When she saw me she hugged me crying and then said she would get her mom to take her home, she made me give her 5 total of the xanax pills, I originally only wanted to give her 2. She then asked me for what else she could get, she said she didn't want cocaine but was asking if I had anything else (we used to do ketamine and MDMA infrequently), she had a small envelope of money I assume her mom gave her, I got upset and told her I wasn't going to give her anything else, she's in recovery and she's made huge strides so far. "I'll get it somewhere else then."

She complained that I talked to all my friends about my problems with her and still never 'properly' addressed them to her, I did try and address this the night I dropped everything of hers off.. I had a letter written, but she wasn't ready to hear any of it. I explained I would need a bit more time to work with my counselor but I could try and get those feelings and reasons ready for her asap. She said something along the lines of "you won't hear from me again", I asked what she meant and she said "I don't want to be manipulative so I'm not going to tell you".

She gets in her moms car eventually and goes home, then texts me a flurry when she gets to her apartment.

Goodbye
❤️forget everything I said.
Just promise me you will find someone who deserves the beautiful kind hearted person you are.
I couldn't be that for you even though i tried. Take care
I realize this idiot is not something you sign up for

Then calls me 10 minutes later while I'm on the phone with my friend, she says she's going to take all the xanax, she also said she was going to jump off of her apartment balcony.

I called her mom and her mom said the sedative at the dentist made her repressed emotions overtake her and that she needs to sleep this off / she should be okay tomorrow, she said there's no chance she will jump off the balcony and just to get that thought out of my head, it's her emotional brain talking, trying to get me to come to the apartment and be with her.

I then called her back and she dug into me about not explaining why I left her, how she's still desperately in love with me and she's never loved anyone like this in her life. Saying if I really love her, if I still do, I'll come to the apartment and help her. I told her I do love her more than I can express but I still feel like we need to distance and work on our own selves. She said there's no point if I'm not there, I'm her anchor.

It carried on like this for a while, she was saying she's a failure who's in debt, she scared away the love of her life, and that she's pissed off her mom and sister (unsure about the sister, but her mom just wants her to be healthy / happy). She said something about seeing where the next chapter life takes her is.

I told her I believe in her recovery and I saw how strong and dedicated she was yesterday when she stopped by, and that this is a bump in the road that she can overcome, I also said that I can start getting a list together to walk her through the reasons that I'm pulling away. She seemed wishy washy on that part.

I called her mom again and she told me to stay strong and let   her work through this in whichever way she decides, but once the sedatives and anxiety pills wear off tomorrow she should be in a clearer state of mind again.

--

Again apologies for the massive essay of text here, the last 2 weeks were going much better and I was working with my counselor, so I didn't feel as much stress/anxiety/FOG and I wasn't in need of as much support, guidance and compassion. But now I feel like I'm back to 2 weeks ago, and I'm worried.

[ForeverDad]

There are two categories for suicidal comments.  Either the person is really feeling down and is contemplating it... or its part of a manipulation ploy on you and everybody.

Most here face the second possibility.  Some even were manipulated for years thinking they were cornered and had no other option.  Yet somehow their ex never committed suicide.

Now, if she really is suicidal, you're not the person to help her.  Call her doctor, emergency team, maybe even her family.  And then Let Go.

Oh, and stop giving her drugs, even mild ones.  I have wild animals that come to my house scrounging for food, probably daily.  Do you know why they keep coming back?  Because I keep leaving scraps out for them.  Duh.  My bad.  What should you do?  Flush any drugs so you can tell her, I don't have any and I won't buy any for you to keep drugging yourself.  Once you're no longer one of her sources she may not reach out to you as much, you think?

[livednlearned]

the last 2 weeks were going much better and I was working with my counselor, so I didn't feel as much stress/anxiety/FOG and I wasn't in need of as much support, guidance and compassion. But now I feel like I'm back to 2 weeks ago, and I'm worried.

She's on a roller coaster (sedatives, heartbreak, xanax) and revolving through different *selves* rapidly, each one feels real in the moment, and she's braking and hitting the gas, sometimes at the same time.

She said something along the lines of "you won't hear from me again", I asked what she meant and she said "I don't want to be manipulative so I'm not going to tell you".

This is from Susan Forward's book on Emotional Blackmail: "emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance."  

Can you see how that's happening with her?

Addiction experts say that our emotions become arrested at the age we began using substances. If you started using at 12 or 14 or whatever, that's roughly where you emotions stopped developing.

One of the silver linings of experiencing a BPD relationship is learning to better understand how we manage our emotions so we aren't looking in unhealthy places for things that feel good now, only to feel worse later.

She's going to have profound challenges with this. Your struggles are going to parallel hers without the extreme aspects.

How are you managing right now?

[Cnvi]

There are two categories for suicidal comments.  Either the person is really feeling down and is contemplating it... or its part of a manipulation ploy on you and everybody.

Her mom assured me this was just her way of trying to get me to the apartment, and sure enough the xanax that she took eventually made her pass out. She texted me later at 9PM.

"I love you, sorry I wasn't enough.
Wish you weren't so afraid of me when I'm hurting.
This is my last text"

I called her mom to make sure she was communicating / talking with her and that she was okay, I was uncertain if I should reply.. the thought of it was giving me an anxiety, I was also drinking. Her mom told me if I simply say "Today was intense but I'm glad to hear you're okay. I think we both need some rest right now so I'm going to go to bed. I hope you do the same." She fired back with "I wouldn't say I'm ok. If I make it thought the night I'm on the first flight tomorrow to Europe m. This is where it ends. The fact you can't even talk to me on the phone shows you're lost any love for me at all" I had 2 friends with me that I was watching movies with and they got me to put my phone on silent and just throw it on my bed at this point. I made sure her mom was talking to her and checking in on her.

This is from Susan Forward's book on Emotional Blackmail: "emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance."  

Can you see how that's happening with her?

I can, yeah, I'm going to look into that book, I'm currently reading codependency books by Melanie Beattie to try and understand why I became such a caretaker / enabler. She's aware that I think she's being manipulative in some ways, but she doesn't realize how she's doing it. And I think she's irritated that I've said she's being manipulative because she doesn't believe that she is. I guess this is common?

One of the silver linings of experiencing a BPD relationship is learning to better understand how we manage our emotions so we aren't looking in unhealthy places for things that feel good now, only to feel worse later.

She's going to have profound challenges with this. Your struggles are going to parallel hers without the extreme aspects.

How are you managing right now?

This experience is definitely making me take a hard look at my emotions, lifestyle and mental health. My mental health is something I've been neglecting for at least a year or so prior to this relationship.

But if she stays sober and strong, she can overcome it. She's still 2+ weeks free of cocaine as far as I know, I just wish she would go back and stay at her moms. The only contact I want to have with her would be telling her that I believe in her recovery, but her mom said she doesn't think I should use that word..

She just texted me an apology this morning:

"Hey

So last night was really hard for me and I'm sorry I projected it that way. I have been dealing with a lot and the fact of just the feeling of losing you in my life the way it was has been a big adjustment and I'm getting used to it but I'll be okay. I know I can't let this be something that keeps me holding on and spending time on myself is what I should have done a long time ago.

So I wish you nothing but the best and again sorry about last night but I think overall it wasn't making me feel like we both were in it in the same way and I felt that. Nothing but the best."

I'm hesitant to reply and engage here, but it seems like she's sobered up off the Xanax and isn't overwhelmed by her emotions from the anesthetic anymore.