Hello

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am glad to find you and will appreciate reading here.  I hope to find others with my situation and get new ideas and support.  Maybe some laughs, too.  Hardly anything is ever so bad I can't see something to chuckle about.

Our daughter was diagnosed thirty years ago and at that time we had family counseling, Tough Love support and Alanon.  It took many rugged years but with persistence we were able to watch her grow into a competent adult.

About three years ago I started to see red flags.  Truly didn't expect this late in her life for her to lapse into all the troubling old behaviors but here we are again.

I understand a lot about the disorder and have learned how to manage boundaries but I'd like an anonymous place to talk about the return of old, unpleasant feelings.  Ugh.

Just ordered, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and hope to brush up on healthy responses to the craziness.

[Flying Crooked]

I am glad to find you and will appreciate reading here.  I hope to find others with my situation and get new ideas and support.  Maybe some laughs, too.  Hardly anything is ever so bad I can't see something to chuckle about.

Our daughter was diagnosed thirty years ago and at that time we had family counseling, Tough Love support and Alanon.  It took many rugged years but with persistence we were able to watch her grow into a competent adult.

About three years ago I started to see red flags.  Truly didn't expect this late in her life for her to lapse into all the troubling old behaviors but here we are again.

I understand a lot about the disorder and have learned how to manage boundaries but I'd like an anonymous place to talk about the return of old, unpleasant feelings.  Ugh.

Just ordered, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and hope to brush up on healthy responses to the craziness.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Welcome Flying Crooked 

Wow 30 years. Has something super stressful happened in your DD's life?

Glad you've joined for support, time to brush up those skills as you say 

WDx

[Resiliant]

Hi Flying Crooked!

Welcome to the board.  It's great to have you here, yet sorry for what brought you.

These relapses are disturbing.  I have come to expect them in my own situation with my son but they are much more frequent - say once a year for about 20% of the year?   I'm sorry to hear she did so well and then relapsed after such a long time.   Do you think that maybe she had situations that you just weren't privy to?  Or, as WendyDarling asked was it a sudden change that was very stressful?

I'm glad to hear you like humor - it helps us all.   There are some members here who are great at it.  Which also shows they are great at the Radical Acceptance that we all need to practice.

All the best

R

[Flying Crooked]

Thanks for your responses.  Good to see you here.

She was in a twelve-year-marriage with a good man which they chose to end several years ago.  Then she took a job that she put entirely too many hours into.  Financially she is doing well but works too long and too hard.  I can't help but think it is one of her ways to ignore some of her issues that may bother her.

Then she was in  relationship with a man who was nothing like she'd had since high school  Tattoos, bad teeth, bad manners, heavy drinker, three divorces.  Red flags. At that time they were on the festival circuit a lot and in spite of having treatment in high school I think she began to drink a lot again.

That relationship didn't last but the drinking continued.  We don't see it because we don't serve alcohol in our home.  But there are noticeably more symptoms of the addiction and the personality issues.  And they are becoming more severe.

In the past we've been able to have conversations about how to maintain her mental and chemical health but our last discussion was full of defensiveness, tears, anger and denial and I cut it short.  She couldn't "hear" me.

Her pattern for the last few years is to show up for birthdays and holidays, apologize profusely for her absence and vow to stay in touch followed by silence until the next family party.

Rarely she calls when she needs a favor.

When she was diagnosed I promised myself that I would remain a steadfast and healthy supporter because I knew that would help her heal.  Now I'm in my Seventies and have my own and her father's health issues to deal with and I'm tired.  I feel like Charley Brown when Lucy would hold the football and pull it away at the last moment.

Frankly I feel like I'm done.  Never thought I'd say that.

I really do need to talk it out.  I love her fiercely and so does her father and living without her is painful but right now living on her terms seems worse yet.

[Flying Crooked]

I reread my post this morning and I recognize my lack of perspective.  It almost seems like a small problem compared to what has gone before or what others may be dealing with.  This is what happens when I think with my feelings!

I fear what may be coming even though I recognize I have no control over that and not to borrow trouble before it happens.

I love to celebrate with my adult kids and am usually willing to let them carry their own burdens with help if I'm asked at all for my perspective.  I feel cheated.

We had this talk on the phone and I just heard all this lack of self-awareness pour out of her mouth.  And the verbal manipulation just threw me for a loop.  She hit all the right notes.  That's my girl - "perfect pitch!"  I wasn't ready for that.

I am angry out of proportion, feeling vulnerable.  And there is a selfish need as well to have her be healthy.  We've been trusting in her promises to help us in our elder years.

All this has to be resolved in my mind and I have to work on setting that dear girl firmly back into the hands of her Higher Power.  The work is mine to do once again.

I know when I do it things will be better for me.  "Trust the process," they say.   And yet I'm as balky as an old mule right now.  Feeling like, "When does my turn come?"  "No fair!"

[zanne]

Dear Flying Crooked,
The last thing I did last night was read your post where you state you "think you are done." I went to bed hoping that folks really are still able to live their lives after making that decision, and that nothing implodes. This morning I went right back to your post and see that you have taken another look at what seemed (to you, I think) a harsh stand in "being done."
Your journey seems to have been a long one already. And it is clear you and your husband love and adore your daughter.
I am in the boat with you. Daughter, mid-thirties, undiagnosed BPD but displaying many of the harshest traits. Also recently divorced from a very loving husband, etc. Sketchy boyfriend in and out of the picture. Another lost job. Horrible outbursts, accusations, superlatives and suicidal threats...
She and I have not lived in the same state since she first married 10 years ago. It is only now that I understand the severity of her personality change, and the associated and possible personality disorder.
Flying Crooked, I'm hoping someone from the forum can speak to the possibility that there is somewhere in between "done" and still in the game.

[Flying Crooked]

I thought I was there, zanne, but I realize that my sense of loving detachment was rapidly rattled by her behavior.  Sigh.  I'm entirely too human and so torn by doing this right and what is best for my emotional health. They might be two opposing things right now.

I don't want to bore everyone with the whole scenario but her birthday is this week and she was to get back to me with a date.  I waited a week and a half.  She said she was "too busy" to make the phone call sooner.  It's a familiar game I don't want to play. 

Today my son dropped in and asked what time we are going to the birthday restaurant.  I feel like I'm being tag teamed in the usual family tangle.  One of the most difficult things is the triangulations and second party communications.

I'm just feeling stuck in my usual roll of moving things along or being the bad guy for not doing my usual job of making joy happen.  But I wouldn't even send a birthday card to a friend who had spoken to me the way she did on the phone.

The easiest solution is to go ahead with things and pretend all is well as she once accused me of doing.  It's an uncomfortable spot but I don't expect any effort on her part to resolve our mutual unpleasant feelings with each other.

I want for myself to be authentic, real.  I can live with hurt feelings.  They go hand in hand with loving.   But I'm feeling subtly manipulated.

Wonder if I'm capable of allowing the manipulation because I'd' planned to get together anyway so what difference does it make?

And right now trying to sort this in my head seems just as crazy as thinking it through with my feelings.  I've been thrown for quite a loop it seems. 

Thanks for responding, zanne.  I have choices, just can't see them yet.

[zanne]

Dear Flying Crooked,
I don't have much time to get this info to you so I'll make it quick.
There is a program called "Family Connections" that you may be interested in. For now, all their classes are virtual. I am signed up to start the course tomorrow night, Feb. 3, 2021, and thought maybe you could get in at the last minute! Go to https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/family-connections-pre-registration-form/
You can also type "Family Connections" into the BPD Family Web site search bar to hear some comments from other folks that have attended. Hope this works out for you!

[Flying Crooked]

Thanks, zanne.  I had seen this on line.  My real life just sped up and got busy  for me.  For now I think I'll just read here and the eggshell book.  See if I can get my head back in the game.  I think I was in "happily ever after" mode.

It would be nice as DH has second stage Alzheimer's and I'm still learning how to manage that.  This week I was diagnosed with temporary paralysis of the legs due to compression of an artery and while they were doing the scans for that they found a lump in my thyroid as well.  So I have my hands full right now.

Actually the thyroid tumor is affirming news.  I had one in my thirties and I remember that it threw me for an emotional loop.  It messes with your chemical balance.  When I'm off center I think I'm not working on my spiritual program well enough so it's comforting to think my recent melt-down may be medical in nature.  There's hope yet!

Had a surprise phone call from daughter calling to apologize and say she wants things to be better between us.  Well!  A common goal.  That's the first unprompted apology I remember and a first mention of wanting the common goal that sounded so sincere.  It's a new behavior.

The old behavior is making up right before the celebration.  So I'm not doing any happy dance.  But I don't need a happy dance, anyway.  Just something near normal and manageable.   

[Flying Crooked]

Thanks for the support.  I'm needing it.

I have some here but extra and new minds are a good thing right now.

[zanne]

Flying Crooked, I am also reading, well listening to, "Walking on Eggshells." So far I am really into it and hope you are finding it helpful.

The course through Family Connections met on Tuesday night. It was mostly introductions and abbreviated stories. Most interesting and an amazingly diverse group. The moderators told us we were lucky because there is a very long waiting list (900) for the course. You might want to throw your hat in the ring now, in case it opens up and you do find the time.

Jeez, sorry for your own health issues. Glad, though, you had one apology from daughter. It's, though subtle, a reminder that you are
maybe not the dysfunctional one after all!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Flying Crooked]

Thanks for the encouragement.  It's good to have.  Yes, we are a diverse lot.  This malady doesn't play favorites.

I'm just glad we have a name for it and suggestions for how to play a healthy role.  Sometimes I think a dysfunctional family can have well family members but the family as a whole can be hardly more healthy than their most affected member.  It takes a lot of work to see everyone on the same page.  Hasn't happened in my life.  It may be expecting too much.

Our daughter is following through with her intentions to maintain contact.  She dropped by last Friday with homemade chicken noodle soup and for a short chat.

We had the birthday party and all enjoyed the evening.  After we got home she gave us a call to let us know she got home safely.  These are welcome signs of her sincerity.

I have no extra time at present for the work I'd want to put into the online group but thanks for the heads-up.  Sounds like you are lucky, indeed to get in.

There are so many suffering out there with no help.

I do belong to two local support groups - one online and one in person and their focus is wellness but not that of family members.  I depend on them to help me stay positive and on track.

Since daughter grew up here and owns a local business I don't care to discuss our relationship locally.

I am feeling so much better.  And I'm still a bit gob-smacked at how much I could allow someone else's behavior to influence my peace of mind.  Thought I had improved in that direction since "the old days."

Hoping once all the tests are finished I will have some answers about how much my medical condition played a part.

[zanne]

Flying Crooked, I am holding good thoughts for you!

[Flying Crooked]

Thank you, Zanne.

I've discussed my meltdown with a couple of mentors and friends.  Everyone says not to give up.  It's a pro and a con. 

A part of me felt like it was easy for them to say.  But I'm using it for motivation. 

They've known us for a long time and must think it's worth the effort.  I have to trust they wouldn't give me encouragement to do something they thought would harm me by now.  I'd like to think it's a compliment of their belief that I have that strength. 

Of course daughter is doing her part again and heaven knows that makes it much easier.  I need to use this situation to keep in mind that no one  is ever out of the woods.

Thank you.  I am slowly reading here and there and hopeful that I'll gain some depth of understanding.  Can't ever see it when it's happening!  Always requires faith and effort.  A friend reminds me, "Trust the process."

Daughter and I will have our first lunch together next Monday.  I can't remember how many years it's been.

I'll post how it goes.  Not expecting any discussion of serious matters and that's fine.