I should have known better - what a mess Im in.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As some of you know, for the second time I came back to her - this time in November, after leaving in sep 20 - she begged me to come back while the house sells.

Well against all advice both on here and from family I did come back. We have a sale ongoing - and now that we are near the finishing line - she is starting to say she doesnt trust the agent etc and is threatening to pull out of our sale and purchase of an ongoing property. She is now saying we can stay where we are and move in 2 - 3 years when I have paid off more of the mortgage.

Of course she is a master of indecision and it is just threats at the moment. But since my whole plan to start a new life on my own really depended on selling the house I am in disarray. If I start to suggest that I dont see a long term future for us - she starts to disregulate. The world has to be how she wants it to be. She keeps all the keys to the house and car at her side in case I try to leave like I did in September.

I will have to sit it out and see what happens with the sale - if she will follow through with her threat to pull out - and if she does that I need to have a plan - it's just a case of what that will be. I will feel justified in abandoning her this time and if she does trash our sale she will only have herself to blame. Though with her watching me all the time now its not going to be easy.

[MrRight]

As some of you know, for the second time I came back to her - this time in November, after leaving in sep 20 - she begged me to come back while the house sells.

Well against all advice both on here and from family I did come back. We have a sale ongoing - and now that we are near the finishing line - she is starting to say she doesnt trust the agent etc and is threatening to pull out of our sale and purchase of an ongoing property. She is now saying we can stay where we are and move in 2 - 3 years when I have paid off more of the mortgage.

Of course she is a master of indecision and it is just threats at the moment. But since my whole plan to start a new life on my own really depended on selling the house I am in disarray. If I start to suggest that I dont see a long term future for us - she starts to disregulate. The world has to be how she wants it to be. She keeps all the keys to the house and car at her side in case I try to leave like I did in September.

I will have to sit it out and see what happens with the sale - if she will follow through with her threat to pull out - and if she does that I need to have a plan - it's just a case of what that will be. I will feel justified in abandoning her this time and if she does trash our sale she will only have herself to blame. Though with her watching me all the time now its not going to be easy.

[Baglady]

Hi Mr Right,

It seems to me that you are sending her very mixed signals.  Knowing how you feel about the future, why are you even contemplating purchasing a new property with her after the sale of this one? 

If by some magic she didn't have BPD and this was a regular relationship that you felt had no future, would you be considering making a major home purchase with her?  A joint home purchase indicates a long term investment in a relationship that you believe has a future. From her BPD perspective, going in on a new property has to be confusing I would think.

What are the factors that prevented you from following the advice of all of your family, friends and supportive folks on this site? 

Warmly,
B.

[GaGrl]

You resist getting legal advice, thinking you can set up this separation and divorce without help you desperately need.

This is magical thinking.

What can you do to get assistance?

[Rev]

Hi there my friend...

Yep - going back. Did it twice.  Each time got more abusive. So I hear you. 

Tell me, if that's okay. After venting and then re-reading your own words, if you could ask one or two or even three questions (but not more) that you would dearly love answered, what would it or they be?

In the meantime, hang in there. Hope is goes as best as can be expected.

Rev

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey MrRight-

Im so sorry you’re facing this again.  As others have stated, many of us have gone back more than once before our final exit.  That does NOT mean you cannot leave.

Please, my friend... keep your head where your heels are.  Don’t look back at what happened before, that you came back.  Doesn’t matter today.

What really matters now is that you’re hopefully beginning to grasp the fact that you really DO NEED legal help in order to accomplish this sale, your separation and ultimate divorce.  Her “abandonment” issues can no longer be your concern.  

She has lured you back and returned to her full-on cruelty.  It is time for you to get proper assistance.  We will support you through this, as I’m sure your family and close friends will.

We understand the deep trauma associated with these relationships, AND the reasons and confusion that makes us return.  But you CAN leave, MR.  You are ALLOWED to leave.  You are ALLOWED to have help to leave.  Even though you are a man.  Just be honest about who she is and what she has done to you.

When you read the posts of others who’ve made it out, virtually NO ONE has been able to leave without that assistance, ESPECIALLY when there’s property involved.

Your strength, YOUR power, and I’m not sure you clearly see this... is that you’re the income earner.  You are not under her thumb for bread money.  She’s actually reliant on you (by her choice, I take it).  So between you and your attorney, there are ways to protect funds while you work out your exit.  He / she will be your ally.  And again, please be very clear about her abuse.

And... when your disordered and abusive W keeps keys from you and prevents you from leaving your home, THAT is also abuse.  No one can keep another imprisoned.

My friend, I know this is terribly difficult, but please see this treatment of you for what it is... you deserve SO MUCH BETTER.  You deserve kindness and peace.  

And so does your son.  He deserves a peaceful home to visit and spend time with you.

Please don’t LET her pull out of the sale.

We truly are here for you.  Please come back when you can.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[MrRight]

Thanks guys - I can see that coming back sent out the wrong message - as she interpreted it the wrong way - she thinks I see a long term future with her. Despite me warning her to the opposite - she wont listen - does not want to.

I have no power to assert my own will - she is too strong for me - the house would be a battleground.

I work from 9 am until 11pm every day - thats here idea of a constructive happy life - and she has put her desk in my office - so she can watch me the whole day and make sure I work.

This cant go on - when the lock down starts to ease I will slip away once more for good this time. If she begs me back to sell the house - I will point out that she has no patience to see through a sale and had her chance. I wont talk or see her next time.

[Rev]

Thanks guys - I can see that coming back sent out the wrong message - as she interpreted it the wrong way - she thinks I see a long term future with her. Despite me warning her to the opposite - she wont listen - does not want to.

I have no power to assert my own will - she is too strong for me - the house would be a battleground.

I work from 9 am until 11pm every day - thats here idea of a constructive happy life - and she has put her desk in my office - so she can watch me the whole day and make sure I work.

This cant go on - when the lock down starts to ease I will slip away once more for good this time. If she begs me back to sell the house - I will point out that she has no patience to see through a sale and had her chance. I wont talk or see her next time.

Echoing everything that Gems just said.

Reach out when you can.

With much caring.

Rev

[MrRight]

OK here goes - Friday is the day we tell the legal people the sale is off.

Im gonna get up early and climb out of the kitchen window Friday morning while she is dozing as she always does - get in the car and drive away somewhere safe.

Then Im gonna inform her the sale is not off and is going ahead. I will get in touch with the legal people though I do need her consent to sell as she has registered a marital right of residence.

I dont think she will object - as she will understand finally she will need to plan a future life that does not include me.

My mother knows the whole story and has said I should come to stay with her for a few days.

[grumpydonut]

I dont think she will object - as she will understand finally she will need to plan a future life that does not include me.

 

[Rev]

Ditto - have a plan b

Rev

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey, Mr. Right.

I don't think she will ever understand she needs to plan a future life without you in it as long as she thinks she can manipulate or bully you into coming back as before.

I think you will need a divorce attorney to help you navigate the sale. I don't see a reasonable path forward that involves her without legal counsel for you.

Where will you go when you escape this time? What is your plan after you get out?

ETA: I see you will go to your mother. How long can you stay there? I am sorry I can't recall, but does your w know where your mother lives?

[GaGrl]

Again.

You are engaging in magical thinking.

Nothing "magical" or amazing is going to happen to change your disordered wife's mental state. She is mentally ill and does not operate according to a generally accepted pattern of behavior.

You can crawl out a window and continue with the sale of property...But what happens when she simply refused to accept she has to vacate?

You need a lawyer.

Immediately.

[MrRight]

Thank you all.

I will answer these questions once I am out.

She has already signed a legal notice to quit the property if it sells and my solicitor has this document.

[Rev]

Thank you all.

I will answer these questions once I am out.

She has already signed a legal notice to quit the property if it sells and my solicitor has this document.

Well done...  stay strong... in times like this, I went for long, long drives to avoid being flooded and keep my head straight.

You got this.

Rev

[MrRight]

Guys I am staying for now.

The sale is still on and she has agreed we must wait for the chain to either complete or fail and sell if we can at this attempt.

I came back to see this sale through so will stay on for now and hope to get the job done.

thanks for your support.

[grumpydonut]

@Mr Right

What changed?

[MrRight]

@Mr Right

What changed?

She asked me to look through the property list for where we are going - I said the flat we are buying looks very good value and we would be fools to pull out now we are just weeks from a moving date.

She agreed.

Every day closer to Feb end now and it will be harder for her to end the sale as we are getting close. Just awaiting some legal formalities to be completed.

I was actually disappointed when she said this as I was looking forward to leaving tomorrow.

But I can stick it 1 more month if there is light at the end.

[GaGrl]

Once the sale of your current house is complete, and you purchase the flat she will be living in and move her belongings into it...

You can NOT stay in the flat with her a single night. Not ever. You must make your move away from her at that time.

[Rev]

Once the sale of your current house is complete, and you purchase the flat she will be living in and move her belongings into it...

You can NOT stay in the flat with her a single night. Not ever. You must make your move away from her at that time.

Yes... exactly.  We are in your corner for sure.  That's us... in your corner.

Stay stafe.

Stay the course.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Once the sale of your current house is complete, and you purchase the flat she will be living in and move her belongings into it...

You can NOT stay in the flat with her a single night. Not ever. You must make your move away from her at that time.

I will reinforce this by saying you need to go at this with the mentality it is time to pull the plug and tell her to go kick rocks. Fortify yourself. Man up and choose you. Enough of being stock in oz. You deserve to have a better and happier life. Be sure to be kind to you.

Cheers!

-SC-

[MrRight]

Once the sale of your current house is complete, and you purchase the flat she will be living in and move her belongings into it...

You can NOT stay in the flat with her a single night. Not ever. You must make your move away from her at that time.

Yes I do understand that.

She has always said she will release her hold on me once the house has sold and she has the flat in her possession.

[GaGrl]

Based on how she has followed through on other things she has said and promised, what level of confidence do you have that she is being truthful about letting you go once she has the flat?

[MrRight]

Based on how she has followed through on other things she has said and promised, what level of confidence do you have that she is being truthful about letting you go once she has the flat?

she will be as desperate to keep hold of me as she was in the first year 20 years ago when I was trying to get away from her then.

I will no doubt end up asking the police for assistance when the time comes.

She flipped back yesterday to her no sale stance - I said - I came back to help sell - if we're not selling - Im going. She didnt like that - she faced me down - made the household hell until I backed down on it.

She wont accept us leading separate lives. If the sale falls through here I really will need to get out - I will have to make a call to the local police and ask them to attend while I move my stuff out.

As it stands the sale is still on so nothing much has changed.

She says she will blame me if she does not get through the first year of her Phd - as I am mucking it up for her with all my episodes mid life crisis etc "wanting to start a new life" - and here she puts her hands on her hips and throws her head back with ridiculing laughter Liz Taylor style.

I wont want to be around when the university fails her submission (she has made enemies there in a very short space of time).

[grumpydonut]

Hey Mr Right.

This isn't a criticism, as we are all here for support, but your posts seem - to me, anyway - to highlight an inconsistency in your thoughts.

If true, I can relate. As Cluster B personalities can definitely throw us into a washing machine.

If you know what you want - sale of house, to get away from this woman for good - stick to your plan and don't allow anything she says change it. They are known as master manipulators for a reason, and we are their chief victims because we often don't know how to keep boundaries and stick to our word.

[MrRight]

Hey Mr Right.

This isn't a criticism, as we are all here for support, but your posts seem - to me, anyway - to highlight an inconsistency in your thoughts.

If true, I can relate. As Cluster B personalities can definitely throw us into a washing machine.

If you know what you want - sale of house, to get away from this woman for good - stick to your plan and don't allow anything she says change it. They are known as master manipulators for a reason, and we are their chief victims because we often don't know how to keep boundaries and stick to our word.

I know it.

I was a sitting duck for a manipulator like her. I might have been lucky and avoided this personality type - or maybe - due to my lack of emotional maturity and self respect - I was going to fall into a hole sooner or later.

But I do intend to be the master of the rest of what remains of my life - the years from age 36 to 56 I have written off as a learning experience and nothing more.

[Rev]

1) due to my lack of emotional maturity and self respect - I was going to fall into a hole sooner or later.

2) But I do intend to be the master of the rest of what remains of my life - the years from age 36 to 56 I have written off as a learning experience and nothing more.

Hey there MrRight

Two things that I have highlighted here.

1) Go easy on yourself please - in my MA studies, increasingly clinicians are coming to believe that something radical has shifted in terms of personality structure - fancy words to say that we think much differently now than in the sixties - but the basic lens with which we see the world still, by and large, is framed like that.  What has changed in the West? We no longer live in nuclear families or community. This has pushed us to become increasingly self reliant - which pushed to far - becomes an internally disordered personality structure which then needs to adapt - on its own - without the benefit of a solid community around them.  SO... .my friend... you as so many of us here, got caught in the middle of the shift, and here you are.  Interestingly, and I wish I could remember the article, some psychologists believe that about 30 % of the Western population could be considered empathy rooted, which I have heard echoed at University in other fashions.  Which leads me to point two...

2) I would encourage you to stay here for a while once your separation is complete, etc. I found it, and still do - as I am now coming to two year milestones when I knew that I was in trouble if I stayed - that this community has been invaluable in reframing what I experienced in a way to let it go. Today I have a wonderful new partner and this is perhaps the first truly "healthy" relationship I have ever had and I am in my fifties, and I work with the public. The point being is that over time our core points of misalignment (wound by another name - see the reframe?) are in fact buried deep.  The storm cause by the rise of populism, individualism and the accompanying incivility have made empathy based people particularly vulnerable - we have skills we need to learn - just like learning a new language.

Godspeed on this leg of your journey.

People here are rooting for you, because people have rooted for us, and one day you will root for the next person whose world is upside down.

Rev

[I Am Redeemed]

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