I'm sure you're both right; I am being triggered and I will be better off getting myself into the right state before pulling the plug
You have competing wishes.
One is to go. Be done.
The other is to manage guilt.
Staying kicks up sensations in the body that are overwhelming and trauma-related (revulsion, fear).
Going will kick up different sensations in the body (guilt).
The only person who knows what you feel capable of managing is you.
How other people respond is out of your control. More than likely, you pay attention to the narrative that most consumes you (like people judging you harshly).
Not everyone will think that and a surprising number of people might not really care one way or another. You are concerned about the ones who think the things that most bother
you.
The more she does that, the more I just want to rush running away.
A trauma therapist I worked with would have me do grounding exercises like look for all the things in the room the color blue.
Or notice sensations in my body. My breathing. How my hands felt. What my muscles were doing.
It's checking in versus checking out.
Ideally, you would feel grounded going through this. You would have a new narrative.
It's also work that you can do after the fact.
Either way is acceptable. Neither is horrible. One might be more preferable than the other.
You're the only one who knows what's going to be easier/better/more difficult.
What other people think will vary widely, and have more to do with their own stuff than yours.
I dont want to be physical with her in any way, not even hand holding. She pushes nonstop for affection, and it's either fine give her the hug or hold her hand or deal with another episode.
You're doing something against your will in order to protect yourself. This is pretty common for people who don't feel safe in an intimate relationship.
Have you noticed any changes in how you feel? Is it getting harder to do this? Or is it becoming somewhat more tolerable (as you imagine yourself leaving)?
