HELP what should I do now?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The piece on flashbacks says to avoid triggering people.  That's the whole challenge. She's the triggering person and how much can I possibly avoid her, especially when she can't even back off a little.

[siochain]

The piece on flashbacks says to avoid triggering people.  That's the whole challenge. She's the triggering person and how much can I possibly avoid her, especially when she can't even back off a little.

[formflier]

This is really hard stuff...

Be proactive...let her know you need space and then take the space. 

"Hey...I realize you want closeness with me tonight.  I need privacy/space to think and feel some stuff I need to sort out.  Will it be easier for you if I take a couple days away?"

How do you think she would react to this?

 

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

I'm sure you're both right; I am being triggered and I will be better off getting myself into the right state before pulling the plug.

I'm going to tweak this a little tiny bit siochain.    Understanding what's going on with you will help you manage your reaction when you pull the plug.

My issue is that she's so pushy that each day that passes with her is a challenge.  She can't understand even pulling back a bit or giving me space. Just push push push.

I'm sure she is relentless.   and won't take No for an answer.

The more she does that, the more I just want to rush running away.

I completely understand.     the more she demands affection and intimacies the worse you feel.   

I dont want to be physical with her in any way, not even hand holding. She pushes nonstop for affection, and it's either fine give her the hug or hold her hand or deal with another episode.

this is emotional black mail.   its not healthy.  I think its smart you can identify it and want to avoid it.

I don't want to make it worse by sending mixed messages, don't want to have to hear her ranting at me about how I'm causing her harm by not being affectionate.  I just avoid her as much as possible now.

avoiding mixed messages is another good decision.

Still I can't go too long without it becoming a conflict, even with my newly learned non-engagement.

I get it.     the more you back away, ... even subtly the more she ramps up.

Would it be horrible to just get to my safe place and send a text? Chicken out but not have to hear her response and then do the work alone and with a T? I can't take this wondering limbo anymore and want it to be over.

its only horrible if you think its horrible.    to be clear, very clear, my goal is for you to be as comfortable as you can be when you do what you need to do.

The piece on flashbacks says to avoid triggering people.  That's the whole challenge. She's the triggering person and how much can I possibly avoid her, especially when she can't even back off a little.

I know it says that.     

Understanding leads to clarity, clarity leads to certainty,  certainty leads to comfort.     the more you understand what is going on in this dynamic the more certain you can be of the steps you are taking.

'ducks

[formflier]

Let me second the thought on goals. 

It's important that when you make a big relationship decision that you stick with it because if you were to make a big decision and then get manipulated out of that decision...you will end up in a far worse situation...FAR WORSE...than if you had stuck with status quo.

Reference again her tendency to push...push...push.    One of the reasons she does that it she believes it works...at least works enough for her to try...and try again...and again.

Hey...what if you amended my suggestion and simply inform her you are going to take some time away (vice asking if you should stay).

Instead of figuring out if you should go to safe place and call...or text or...?

How about you get to a safe place...and be safe?

 

We are rooting for you!

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

I'm sure you're both right; I am being triggered and I will be better off getting myself into the right state before pulling the plug

You have competing wishes.

One is to go. Be done.
The other is to manage guilt.

Staying kicks up sensations in the body that are overwhelming and trauma-related (revulsion, fear).
Going will kick up different sensations in the body (guilt).

The only person who knows what you feel capable of managing is you.

How other people respond is out of your control. More than likely, you pay attention to the narrative that most consumes you (like people judging you harshly).

Not everyone will think that and a surprising number of people might not really care one way or another. You are concerned about the ones who think the things that most bother you.

The more she does that, the more I just want to rush running away.

A trauma therapist I worked with would have me do grounding exercises like look for all the things in the room the color blue.

Or notice sensations in my body. My breathing. How my hands felt. What my muscles were doing.

It's checking in versus checking out.

Ideally, you would feel grounded going through this. You would have a new narrative.

It's also work that you can do after the fact.

Either way is acceptable. Neither is horrible. One might be more preferable than the other.

You're the only one who knows what's going to be easier/better/more difficult.

What other people think will vary widely, and have more to do with their own stuff than yours.

I dont want to be physical with her in any way, not even hand holding. She pushes nonstop for affection, and it's either fine give her the hug or hold her hand or deal with another episode.

You're doing something against your will in order to protect yourself. This is pretty common for people who don't feel safe in an intimate relationship.

Have you noticed any changes in how you feel? Is it getting harder to do this? Or is it becoming somewhat more tolerable (as you imagine yourself leaving)?

[siochain]

It's harder. I don't even want to be in the same room with her.

[formflier]

  I don't even want to be in the same room with her.

This is much easier (relatively) to solve than getting out of a room and sending her the "correct" message to signal the end of the relationship.

You have said the quote above is so many different ways...it leaps off the page at me (and perhaps other readers).  I'm not detecting any conflict in this. 

Compare this to how you "seem" about communicating about the long term trajectory of your relationship.   There is much more conflict there.

So...can you honor your feelings that you are sure about?  Would you feel differently with space...physical space between you and her?

Is what I'm saying ringing true with you?

Best,

FF

[siochain]

FF-
The first part is ringing true. Can you help me understand the second a bit more?

[siochain]

I now have a mattress in the safe space and am laying back after having made myself some lunch. I just want to be here and never have to be back over there again.
Saturdays she leaves very early and works outside the house till about 5 or 6. I could be happy here without the dark cloud hovering above my head.

[siochain]

I'm thinking:
Instead of trying to work up the nerve to initiate the talk or call or text, focus on what you guys are telling me in the meantime, and as much as possible not think about her.
Then, the very next time she kicks up any trouble, take that as my cue to simply " I can't do this anymore.  I'm sorry.it's over and I'm leaving ".and stick to repeating no matter what she says or does and get out of there.
I even thought of my route back to my safe place to not be followed.

[babyducks]

I'm going to back up to what livednlearned said:

You have competing wishes.

One is to go. Be done.
The other is to manage guilt.

Staying kicks up sensations in the body that are overwhelming and trauma-related (revulsion, fear).
Going will kick up different sensations in the body (guilt).

The only person who knows what you feel capable of managing is you.

let me ask,... with what you know today, ... with the information you have at hand...    without overthinking it ... your first, right off the top of your head answer...what do you think you are capable of managing today?

it seems to me that you are stuck in this loop, afraid to go,  afraid to stay.   and every trip around this loop you make the more you get twisted up like a pretzel and the more afraid you  become.

without focusing on her, her reactions, her response, her behavior what do you think you might do for you to make yourself feel better and relax your thinking?

'ducks

[siochain]

I dont know because all of my feeling stuck really is about her reaction.

If her reaction wasn't an issue I'd end it this very moment.

Her reaction isn't an imaginary phobia. Its something in the real world that concerns me very much.

[formflier]

I even thought of my route back to my safe place to not be followed.

I like this...

How did you feel figuring out a detail to keep you safe...(safer)? 

Best,

FF

[siochain]

FF-
It feels freeing.

Really I don't have a reason to assume real danger.  I've never seen her act violently or threaten violence of any kind.

[livednlearned]

Your main concern is that she will say bad things about you?

To people who know both of you?

[siochain]

I think so

[siochain]

I went for a long walk and almost wanted to just get it over with while out. Then we spoke and she asked what time I'd be home. It's been hard trying to work up the nerve. 
I'm not sure if I'll play it by ear and see how I feel in her presence if I can initiate the talk and then escape.  Or if I'll have to keep status quo yet some more or chicken out or try by phone later.

I just don't know but I do know I want to be done .

[ForeverDad]

... all of my feeling stuck really is about her reaction.

If her reaction wasn't an issue I'd end it this very moment.

What you haven't Accepted is that you can't manage nor control her reaction, much less fix her.  Just caring for yourself is about all you can manage, don't you think?  There's Acceptance as one of the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss.  There's also something called Radical Acceptance.

Radical Acceptance...  This workshop is about coping and using the tool of radical acceptance and mindfulness.  'Radical' is used in the medical sense such as radical surgery, or radical mastectomy - designed to remove the root of a disease or all diseased and potentially diseased tissue...

Radical acceptance is a concept everyone that interfaces with a borderline person should understand - be it a spouse, a child, and step mom, or an ex.

There are three parts to radical acceptance.

~~The first part is accepting that reality is what it is.

~~The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause.

~~The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it.

For days you've been circling around and around, tearing yourself apart.  Step back.  Give yourself some breathing room and time to gather your equilibrium.  Please.  She's an adult too, as messed up as she is, she's an adult and is responsible for herself, besides she has doctors and family to look after her too.  Gift yourself the opportunity to help yourself.