Separated after 23 years

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I can't believe I'm here.  I finally found the courage to get out, with 5 of my 9 kids( others all grown and out of the house).I have been in a chaotic marriage for my whole adult life, trying SO hard to make it work. There has been abuse, there have been excruciatingly hard times, and there has been love. I'm still so uncertain I'm doing the right thing by leaving. I feel like I'm abandoning him, I'm literally creating his worst nightmare. But things have never gotten better, there was never peace, and I lost hope there ever would be. After reading many articles, I think he might have BPD. All of the info about what it's like to be with them resonates deeply. After only one week of deciding we should be separate for longer (my decision) he booked a cruise with another woman. We've been married 23 years. I can't believe he could move on so quickly! I'm devastated.

[Just2578]

I can't believe I'm here.  I finally found the courage to get out, with 5 of my 9 kids( others all grown and out of the house).I have been in a chaotic marriage for my whole adult life, trying SO hard to make it work. There has been abuse, there have been excruciatingly hard times, and there has been love. I'm still so uncertain I'm doing the right thing by leaving. I feel like I'm abandoning him, I'm literally creating his worst nightmare. But things have never gotten better, there was never peace, and I lost hope there ever would be. After reading many articles, I think he might have BPD. All of the info about what it's like to be with them resonates deeply. After only one week of deciding we should be separate for longer (my decision) he booked a cruise with another woman. We've been married 23 years. I can't believe he could move on so quickly! I'm devastated.

[Goosey]

    Sorry for you.
Just a thought. Who in their right mind goes on a floating covid box? Those things where always incubators. Your better off without someone so short on sense.
   It’s hard when their new relationships come to light. But it’s out of our control. I try to focus on the fact it may bring them peace, hence me some peace... and quiet.
It amazes me that I was married for decades full of mayhem. I won’t ever be in a relationship again. I question myself and have anxiety when I overhear others quarrel let alone the thought of that again in my life.
   And when I watch long term couples actually communicate with respect and compassion I think it must be “act”.
   So damaging it has been. 
 When I was made aware my ex was dating I was stunned and hurt. Now I really don’t feel much about it. It actually helps break that last bond a bit. And here is the difference, I can reason through it and accept it. I am still not divorced due to stalemate but I don’t contemplate a new relationship because I fear her still and wouldn’t put anyone in a unsafe position. 
Dogs. Dogs always are happy to see ya. Hang in there.
 

[cash05458]

Welcome Just...you arrived at the right place...so many good people here who have been thru exactly what you have...maybe not the exact details, but the experience.

That he booked a cruise one week after with another says much. Use that to firm your mind as to what is right for you.

Mine, and I am fairly new here...announced to me after 6 years of living together that she was in love with a man on facebook she has never met and is moving to england to marry him...this is a 60 year old woman...and then promptly took off.

"Normal" (and I am not a fan of that word...but still) people do not do these things...you need to absolutely put yourself first from now on. Work on yourself...you cannot help him...nor should you.

Just, I am so very sorry you are having to go thru this...you are not alone...please know that...there are so many good folks here to help and yes, it's only the internet...but it is a community of people who have all experienced the terrible things you have...and care.

[Baglady]

Hi Just,

I feel for you   

Fellow survivor of a 27 year relationship with an ex-BPD.  5 weeks after he abandoned our marriage, he met "the love of his life".   They lasted 18 months before he dumped her too. 

I found this video to be very helpful during that time:
https://youtu.be/zg7uQND-4qk

Take it as you will.  However, I do like how much she stresses that people with NPD or BPD are seriously flawed and that just because a beautiful soulmate walks into a room and locks eyes magically with your ex-partner...this action cannot cure major character deficits/serious mental illness/traits.

Time to focus all of your attention on yourself now...hard I know after decades of being so other-directed and being caught up in the bottomless pit of your ex-partner's endless drama.  This site is a magnificent support.

Hugs to you   

Warmly,
B

[Just2578]

Ugh...thank you so much! I watched and kept on watching...she is amazing!
I'm so damaged right now...gonna take me a long minute to get through this. I actually keep finding myself fantasizing about putting this back together. Like I have for my whole life. It's all I know...and I'm looking at that.

[Goosey]

Those thoughts fade over time. The caring is still there but a bit of realization glimmers through.
We are being used when needed

[Baglady]

Dear Just,

It's so hard to deviate from the familiar...no matter how sucky the familiar is.  Read your first post - this is your truth.  Time to "release the hold". 

Scary but you are worth it...

Keep posting 

Warmly,
B.

[Just2578]

Thank you guys for the love. You're amazing. You are all so right, and kind for sharing you experiences and truth.