Parent of two adult daughters one with BPD and the other NPD

[AfriCan]

Hello,
Feeling like a huge failure. BPD on both sides of the family. Both adult daughters are on the attack at the moment.  I am the target of their rage.  They don't talk to each other.  My health is affected (high blood pressure affecting my heart) + daily migraines. 
I have put boundaries in place and now neither one is talking to me. 

Not sure what the next step will be.  We may be not speaking for a very long time.  I am at a loss.  This behavior has been going on since they were teens.  They are 39 and 43 at this time. My son is very supportive of me and tired of the "craziness" and how I am constantly under attack.

Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Are they living with you AfriCan?

[PearlsBefore]

 

Welcome to BPDFamily, happy to meet you, sorry you're here.

Wow, I've never seen two siblings close in age, one with NPD and the other with BPD - not to minimize your stress but the idea itself is fascinating to me. Often BPDs end up falling for NPD lovers because the two psychopathies mesh so well together (I assume NPDs also end up with asthenics for the same reason though I don't know...my focus is always reading about BPD given that I have multiples in my life). It would make sense that the two sisters are not on speaking terms though, since the chaotic relationships of BPDs typically end up splitting their complement.  Academic interest, is the older one the NPD or the BPD? Do either of them feel one of them was typically more favoured by parents growing up?

If you screwed up, it was more than thirty years ago (and if you have BPD in both family trees, it's likely the genetics were to blame more than your parenting style) - so don't fixate too much on what caused the psychopathies long in the past; instead focus on the fact you have a BPD daughter who has made it to 40 and surely has a few successes, however shortlived, that can be celebrated. If you were a chronic failure ten years ago then she may not be around today, but she is so you're not too bad. If you were a chronic failure five years ago then she wouldn't be on speaking terms well enough for you to even notice that she's currently in a snit and "not talking to you"...so again, maybe you screwed up 30 years ago, and maybe you screwed up this week when boundary-setting didn't go quite as planned (although how it often goes for us, probably everybody here has failed at this before)...but twice in thirty years hardly makes you a failure! It sounds like you're succeeding far more often than not - even if success doesn't always look the same for loved ones of pwBPDs.

It's great that you've got your son to keep you grounded and help you keep track of "real reality" instead of buying into their more fabricated dynamics.

[Sancho]

Hi AfriCan. I got your personal message and thank you for sharing your story. I can't see how to respond in a personal link, and I wanted to respond quickly, so I came here.

It is hard to find the right words to express how I felt reading your story. Grief was certainly there from the beginning, loss of your parents and the rejection and abuse of the one person who took their place in your life.

It's a story of survival though - and enormous energy as you worked, ran the household, reared the children and bore the brunt of awful domestic abuse. Then the courage to step away.

You have been strong enough to move beyond that sense of guilt that we all carry when the ones we love struggle. We make the best decisions we can at any one moment and go with that.

An old counsellor I once knew said 'What people need for change is insight and experience'. I think he was right. Insight helps us understand where we are at; different experience opens up possibilities.

Your son has had both insight and experience - and he sees who you truly are and he is very appreciative of what you have done.

Your daughters - umm not quite there yet, but they are still young and have to do the hard yards themselves.

Now it's time to step back from the dramas and enjoy the next 20 years! Do you have any thoughts on how you do that stepping back?

Thanks for sharing and hope you can keep posting. Sending lots of thoughts and care.

[AfriCan]

Hello again,
Just reread the thread.  Answer to your question - the older daughter is NPD and the middle daughter is BPD. The older one was the quasi-substitute wife without the sexual abuse.  The counselor explained she was emotionally incestuously abused. Her father treated her like his confidante and then abused her too when it suited him.  He totally discounted our son - called him a "mommy's boy". The daughter who is BPD felt unloved, left out, and hated her older sister who was abusive towards her too.  Horrible. (Interesting the similarities in my family of origin.  My grandmother set up the hatred between my younger sister and I and to this day, we find it challenging to our relationship.  (Trust issues between us). My grandmother was BPD and almost the same person as my ex husband.

I was told by my therapist that I have a very strong spirit.  I never turned to alcohol or drugs or food.  Instead I studied and I learned. Books.

Moving forward, I am completely committed to my wellness. All the basics need improvement i.e. diet, sleep, exercise, meditation.  Self-care since I forgot about myself for so long. I am pursuing my hobbies too.  I have already put boundaries in place.  As of yesterday, my middle child texted me, reaching out.  That is lovely, yet I am very careful and treading carefully.  I need to keep things light and superficial.  No discussing the past. I encouraged her to go to therapy instead.

My oldest daughter is still not in contact with me.  Honestly, I am enjoying the "peace". 

My son is careful too with his sisters.  We both grieve that we can't have a "normal" family and are working on acceptance.  It is not a straight road.

I hope all is well with you.  Keep well.  AfriCan

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having one daughter with BPD and another daughter with NPD. My mother with BPD died in 2019. I have a sister with NPD and a brother with BPD. It is truly heartbreaking to have family members with BPD and NPD, and it is exhausting. We are here to support you and help in any ways we can.

[AfriCan]

Hello Zachira,  Many thanks for your support.  I am sorry you have had so much suffering in your family too.  May you be blessed.  AfriCan