Took a big step yesterday

[brighter future]

It's been about 9.5 months now since my uBPD ex-g/f and I split up. I can still feel some of the effects of the loss of our relationship, but the extreme grief I once felt is gone.   I started hearing from her again about 5 months after we split and heard from her indirectly (through a mutual friend's social media page) just last week. On average, I've heard from her 2-3 times per month since September. Only two of those instances merited a response, and the rest I simply ignored.

Right now, I'm to the point where I'm tired of being alone and would like to have someone of the opposite sex to go out and have fun with. If anything comes out of it, that's perfectly fine. If not, that's fine as well. Last evening, I joined a major dating site on a six month subscription. I've found it harder to meet new people since I'm now in my 40's and a single parent to a child under the age of 10. When you factor in a pandemic, it makes things even harder.  So, I decided to give the online dating thing a try. This is a definite first for me. Has anyone here every had any success with online dating?

[Cromwell]

Hi BrighterFuture,

overall it was success and was fun, I think it gives the chance to meet those from other areas that otherwise would not know even exists. just my analogy, its a bit like being in the forest and able to see all the wildlife rather than just the field of vision. Sometimes id wake up in morning with inbox of those, in essence, I was "dating" whilst asleep. so yes it can be a very powerful tool to make use of with advantages that dont exist offline. good luck

[brighter future]

Hi BrighterFuture,

overall it was success and was fun, I think it gives the chance to meet those from other areas that otherwise would not know even exists. just my analogy, its a bit like being in the forest and able to see all the wildlife rather than just the field of vision. Sometimes id wake up in morning with inbox of those, in essence, I was "dating" whilst asleep. so yes it can be a very powerful tool to make use of with advantages that dont exist offline. good luck

Thanks for your take on online dating, Cromwell. I really appreciate it. Yes, it's quite interesting to log onto the site and see dozens of eligible woman in my area looking to date. I've had 50-60 profile views since Sunday evening and a few private messages as well. One of them came from someone roughly 4 hours away from where I live.  I'm really not interested in long distance relationships. As I said if something good comes out of it all, that's fine. If it doesn't, that's fine as well. After my last relationship, there's a little voice in the back of my mind that says "This will be disaster as well. Don't even bother." If I can make that little voice go away, I think I'll be in pretty good shape. That will be a good topic to speak to my therapist when I meet with her tonight.

[cash05458]

Brighter...good for you! Yes, give it a shot...I have not tried...but seriously, yes, good luck with this...a good step!

[B53]

BF

I think online dating is a great way to meet new people. It gives you a better chance of meeting someone with similar interests. I dated a guy for five years from a dating site. We enjoyed many of the same things. It didn’t work out, but it didn’t end in a bad way. I dated a guy for a little over a year that I met on the site. Unfortunately it was a long distance relationship (6 hr drive) which became too much over time. I met my BP on a dating site also. Even though he turned out to be BP, we also have many of the same interests. You have an advantage now, because you know what to look for.

I actually think this would be a good time to meet people on line. The pandemic gives you a good reason to take it slow and you can get to know each other through email, text and FaceTime.

There are scammers, so you need to watch for certain clues. I don’t know about female scammers, but the male ones always pose as widowers who lost their mate in a sad way and were by their side when they passed. They also do love bombing and usually there is a lot of misspelling in their profile. If they seem to be too good to be true, they usually are. If you suspect something you can sometimes Google their phone number and see what comes up.

There are a lot success stories of online dating. I wish you the best of luck! Make it fun!

B53

[once removed]

the best advice i can give is to just be clear on who you are, where youre at, and what youre seeking.

everyone has a different time frame for when or how they start dating again, and whats healthy for one person can be unhealthy for another.

for example, want to make friends of the opposite sex? approach them that way. be clear about it in all you do and say.

want to date again, but feeling vulnerable or fearful? be upfront about it, and know that youre not going to find marriage material that way (thats okay!). a healthy partner is looking for something more long term. a less healthy partner might be drawn to you for the wrong reasons.

those are just examples.

I'm to the point where I'm tired of being alone and would like to have someone of the opposite sex to go out and have fun with.

want to do that? go out and do just that. show the opposite sex a good time. have fun with the opposite sex. it doesnt have to be less or more than that.

[brighter future]

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and input. When I created my profile for the dating site, I made it clear that I am re-entering the dating scene and am looking for a friends first type of relationship. I stated that I considered myself to be an honest person with a good integrity and was looking for someone with similar values. Part of me wanted to say, "People with severe mental illness and personality disorders need not apply", but I didn't think that was a good idea. hahaha

I'm also not interested in long distance or out of state relationships. One of the women sent me a private message roughly 30 minutes after I joined followed by 3 more messages over the course of the next two hours. Think she sounds a bit needy? A quick glance at her profile showed that she lived out of state, roughly 5 hours away. No thanks! Two others live within 20 minutes of me, but they really don't appeal to me. Three or 4 others do appeal to me, but they live anywhere from an hour to 3 hours away. At any rate, I have a 6 month subscription, so I have plenty of time to see how it works out.

[once removed]

Part of me wanted to say, "People with severe mental illness and personality disorders need not apply", but I didn't think that was a good idea. hahaha

good. its baggage, and healthy people can spot it a mile away.

At any rate, I have a 6 month subscription, so I have plenty of time to see how it works out.

keep us posted 

[brighter future]

I just wanted to give you all a quick update on my experiences so far with the online dating website. So far it's been an interesting experience. It's actually fun to sit there and scroll through all of the different profiles that people have created. There's very few people on their within my immediate area, though, which isn't that big of a deal as I have a 6 month membership. It seems like new people pop up about every day.

I connected with a woman my age (a little less than 4 years my junior). This dating site puts you into a pool with others that have similar interests based on a personality test. I had seen her profile nearly two weeks ago and had viewed it at least a half a dozen times. This site tells you each time someone views your page. Each day I would view her page, she would turn around and do the same. Finally, I got the courage to complement her on her profile photos. The next day, I received a text message from her saying hello, and she repaid the favor and liked my profile photos as well. I was eating lunch at work at the time, and she asked if I would like to talk to her later on that evening after I got home from work. I said that would be great.  We've talked every day since then, which has been a full week now. All of the conversation between us has been fun and intelligent conversation. I haven't noticed any unusual comments or red flags so far. She leveled with me last Wednesday and said that the hometown she put on her profile page was not her actual hometown. She said being a single mother made her vulnerable, and she didn't want every stranger out there knowing her exact location. Turns out, her exact location is two hours away by car instead of three hours. If things go well, I may ask her if we can meet for lunch sometime in the near future to chat in person. One thing I appreciated from her profile is that she states that she is big into self-improvement and "never wants to be a stagnant person." I'll play it by ear and see how it goes.

All in all, I've had 12 or 13 women total send me private messages either complimenting me on my photos or wanting to talk. Some of them seem fairly nice, while a few appear to be looking for things I want no part of. For instance, I recall seeing one of them looking for someone "To be their soulmate and complete them." Red flag! My uBPD ex-g/f told me several times that I was her "soulmate" and that I "completed her." No thanks.

My friends saw my ex a little over a week ago. Based on what they said, her life continues to be a dumpster fire, and she's put on more weight. They told me she looks "swollen and unhealthy."  She told them that she and her 8 year old son are having an awful time, and that she can no longer handle him. He told her that he wanted to go and live with his father.  So, she's giving up majority custody and is sending him to live with his dad an hour away. She's stepping down to an every other weekend visitation schedule, which is what her ex-husband had. I imagine she'll have to forfeit all of that child support money as well. What a mess, and I'm thankful to not be a part of all of that. 

 

[B53]

Glad things are going well! Take it slow and have fun!

[forevermagenta]

I feel like I’m coming in from left field saying this, but I wanted to add that, for me, hearing “I never want to be a stagnant person” would be a bit of a red flag.

The use of the words “never” or “always” is something I am aware of - rigid thinking? (I am aware my username has “forever” in it!). And what does it mean to be a “stagnant person”? Does that mean stability?

That said, I echo B53 when I say enjoy and take your time.

[brighter future]

I feel like I’m coming in from left field saying this, but I wanted to add that, for me, hearing “I never want to be a stagnant person” would be a bit of a red flag.

The use of the words “never” or “always” is something I am aware of - rigid thinking? (I am aware my username has “forever” in it!). And what does it mean to be a “stagnant person”? Does that mean stability?

That said, I echo B53 when I say enjoy and take your time.

Hi, magenta. Stagnant, as far as a person goes, is someone that rarely does anything and is not active. I suppose it could also refer to someone that is not interested in self-improvement. She also stated on her profile that she doesn't want to be a person that "just sits there and simply exists."

[forevermagenta]

Sure, I get it.

But, why is this their focus? Why are they stating so clearly what they don’t want? It seems like an odd thing to point out in a profile, from my perspective. I would be interested in what people ARE looking for NOT what they are trying to AVOID. I could easily see these words/line of thinking coming from my ex wBPD: change, change, change!

 Also, I might assume from her stating this that she mostly does sit around and “simply exist” and wants that to change and therefore she is on a dating site. 

That said, it’s just a piece of information to be factored into the entire situation. And this would just be my assessment based on my understanding, history and values.

[Cromwell]

I try not to think too deep into all that, id see in every profile. The point is this, id not connect the way I did that led to the upset, once I finally understood this part, the rest of it loses its fear factor.

[brighter future]

I try not to think too deep into all that, id see in every profile. The point is this, id not connect the way I did that led to the upset, once I finally understood this part, the rest of it loses its fear factor.

Thanks, Cromwell. What you said is pretty much what my T told me in our session last evening. Be vigilant and observant (not hyper vigilant like I have been), but try not to overthink things. I read her that woman's profile, and she said that she didn't see anything wrong with her answers/responses. We reflected back on my past two relationships and reinforced that I don't need to get into another relationship where I'm emotionally and financially responsible for the other person.

There's also another woman that I find interesting. She's a year older than me and is a school teacher. I sent her a private message the night before last and received a response from her yesterday morning.

[pynky80]

oh ive been on pof for a few months, met someone end of nov he used me for a bit then told me hes in love with his ex so went back to her, then i met my bpd ex on there and he split on me and blocked me 2 weeks ago for a random reason, and b4 them it was just idiots asking to get laid
 im really wary now about the whole "dating" thing as it takes me so long to trust anyone as ive been let down alot and now after this bpd guy i dont know if i have it in me anymore to even try which is a shame cuz i know (no being big headded at all as im not like that) im a great girlfriend and maybe thats my problem maybe im too nice to guys and treat them too well as it seems to me all the girls who treat guys like PLEASE READ end up with the decent ones
 i think having a r/ship with a bpd can change u as he had something about him that i dont know if i will find in anyone else, it wasnt the "love bombing" it was his happy fun jokey caring nature, he was never sleazy or asking for pervy pics like alot of guys i have encountered online and i really thought i had found the one for me and the thought of having to go back online and go thru all that again doesnt appeal at all
the thing is aswell is that im honest and have good intentions and so many men on there are just after sex or wanting to just hook up every now and again and you cant really meet people any other way these days, i dont go "clubbing" anymore and i only work with 4 people so its not like im meeting a ton, and also its so easy for guys to meet you and literally just block u, its so not people with bpd who just do this, part of me thinks maybe i should move to another area of the uk but realistically thats not practical
at least it sounds as tho u are having a little luck and meeting some fairly nice women which after having a bpd r/ship prob felt like an impossibility months ago

[brighter future]

Here's an update on my online dating experiences. I chatted nearly every night with the girl that I was telling all of you about last week. The last day we actually spoke was a week ago today, and I told her that I'd catch up with her in a day or two. She said that sounded good. She and her ex-husband share custody of their son, so her son was with her all last week until this past Sunday. Our conversations from the very beginning up to last Tuesday were enjoyable, and we discussed various types of things. She shared some things about herself and stated that she doesn't normally say to a guy unless she intends on  getting to know him better. I figured that was a good indication that she liked me and was somewhat interested. Most of our interests are similar as well as our family values.

I sent her a text message last Thursday evening to say hello that that I looked forward to talking with her again soon. I never got a reply to that message even though I received a notification that she read it. So, I thought maybe she's busy with her son, and I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. On Sunday night, I sent another similar message saying that I hoped she had a wonderful weekend and hoped that we could chat again. That message was never read even though she has been online at least once each day. I've decided that I'm just going to cut my losses if I don't get a reply to the message I sent on Sunday night.

Yesterday I discussed this with a co-worker who did the online dating scene for a good part of 2020. He told me that he experienced ghosting several times with several different women. According to him, he said he thought he was forming good relationships only to have women ignore him for several weeks at a time or permanently. He figured the ones that came back wanting to reconnect several weeks later must have had something fall through with some other man. I figure this is what's going on with the girl that I've been talking to, as she is an attractive woman. So, it's safe to assume that she probably has dozens of men contacting her. When I sit here and think about it, this concept sort of reminds me of the drama filled TV show The Bachelorette where several men are vying for the attention of one woman. The Bachelorette dates multiple guys from the show until she settles on one. If this is what online dating ends up being, I'm not so sure this concept is for me. We'll see. I'm willing to give it more time to see how it works out.

On another note, I received a very interesting text through social media from a former classmate of mine that I graduated high school with. I have not seen her in almost 27 years. She was a very attractive girl in school, and we did some group class projects together. Anyway, she told me how wonderful I looked and how beautiful my daughter was then said she'd like to talk to me sometime at my convenience. So, I'm considering that. She divorced her husband about 5 years ago who was also a fellow high school classmate. During the divorce, she posted some unkind comments about him on social media, which I recall reading. I'm sure her anger was justified, but I thought the comments were in poor taste and should have not been posted on social media for everyone to see.  That's one thing I refrained from doing with my BPD ex-wife and my recent ex-g/f as well. But, we all do things at one time or another that we wish we could take back.

[pynky80]

i hate the ghosting thing people do esp when they show an interest in you, i dont tend to trust anyone now, ive been back online even tho i guess part of me shouldnt as im still in love with my exbpdbf but since he blocked me almost 3 weeks ago i doubt ill ever hear from him again and i still cry
i see so many good guys on this forum and it gives me hope there are some nice people out there but ive yet to meet them and the ones online start to speak to you and then when u chat to them normally they seem to vanish
i think if this first woman had shown interest and then just ignored you then at least early on you can see how she would be, if i liked a guy i wouldnt ignore him as i dont like playing games
its good you are putting yourself out there, my walls are now so high i class them as skyscraper height, im so glad for this website tho been on it for almost 3 weeks and its been a life saver with all the members knowing im not alone altho ive yet to read a story similar to mine but i want to eventually be strong as some others seem to be

[B53]

BF
I have done online dating many times and here are some more of my thoughts on it. I make comments to people in response to their profile like I’m being friendly, not actually interested. It starts a conversation without pressure. I tried to respond even if I wasn’t interested. I would at least thank them for contacting me. It’s hard to tell someone that you’re not interested nicely, but usually you can find something like, I don’t care for pets, they live too far away, different religions, you just met someone and you want to see where it is going, or that something came up in my life that needs my attention, so it does not negate them as a person. It’s hard to say why someone ends a connection out of nowhere, but if they do, you should move on. I think a decent person would at least make up a reason, to be kind. I found and have been told that men don’t always read the complete profile, but pay more attention to how the women looks. It is important to feel some attraction, but several men who liked my pictures, told me when I met them, that I was better looking then my pictures, so pictures don’t tell the whole story. Many pictures posted are old and then you meet them and are surprised. I have also noticed that men look for much younger women, which limits them. Most of the men that I have gone out with have been four or more years younger. I’m not saying that I look younger than I am, but many women my age look old. There is something to be said about inner beauty. If you’re actually looking for a life partner and not looking to just date, then take your time. Most of all, don’t get your hopes up too soon, remember we ended up with BPDs and that has gotten us here, though there are a lot of nice people on here and in a strange way, I consider many of you as caring friends.

B53

[brighter future]

pynky,

I understand exactly what you're saying about your walls being up so high. Mine were like that roughly until the end of 2020. After the awful marriage to my BPD ex-wife and the nearly two year relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f, I've been very hyper-vigilant and terrified that this will happen again. After about 10 months of therapy, I've learned the signs/red flags to look out for, and I've also been working on what's wrong with myself. Now I know what attracts me to these people and why I stay in these relationships when I should have gotten out a lot earlier. I would estimate that my walls are a little more than halfway down. I wouldn't consider myself to by hypervigilant, but I'm still fairly guarded. Last June is when I joined this forum, which was nearly two months after the breakup with my ex-g/f. I wish I would have found this forum at the time of the breakup because everyone here helped me to really  see the light about my former relationship. My therapist helped me identify that it is most likely BDP that my ex-g/f had, but my T hasn't ever suffered through a relationship like this. Everyone here has, so it was helpful to get feedback from other people that had been through the same thing. It's been a lifesaver for me as well! So, between this forum and the help from my T, I am back on track.

What you said to me about people not playing games is exactly how I feel. I got the sense that this girl had an interest in my based on the things that she was saying to me. I thought maybe there was a chance we eventually meet in person to get to know one another a bit further. By her suddenly falling off the face of the Earth and failing to respond to my messages, maybe she's not exactly the kind considerate person that I assumed she was. I'm the type of person that I will have the common courtesy to respond to someone and tell them why things aren't working out. To this day, I still haven't heard from her. So, I've cut my losses and have moved on.

Best wishes on your journey. We are all here if you need to talk.

[brighter future]

Hi B53, it's good to hear from you again! I've probably received close to 20 messages from different women so far, and I generally like to reply just as you do to be courteous even if I'm not interested. A decent amount so far are several hundred miles from where I live, and I am definitely not interested in a LDR-type relationship. At least two of them have come from fraudulent accounts, but the dating site has been good about catching those and blocking further correspondence. Matter of fact, one of the two accounts have been taken down.

I still don't have a clue as to why that last girl just quit talking to me, but honestly I'm not letting it bother me.  All of our correspondence from start to finish was very nice and enjoyable. I took her seriously when she stated to me that she wouldn't be sharing certain things about her life if she didn't want to get to know me. As someone stated, maybe this is a good indicator as to who she really is. It still would have been nice to have some sort of reply either way, but at least I'm finding this out now as opposed to later on.

I am looking for a life partner eventually, however, I'm approaching things cautiously, especially after my last two BPD relationships. Since I'm just getting myself back into the dating field, I'm interested in meeting nice people and enjoying myself. I've stated this on my profile but also noted that I eventually want to be with someone to share all of the great things that life has to offer.  The way my profile is worded, I don't believe it can lead anyone on. After looking through dozens of single women's profiles, it's very obvious that they are there to meet a significant other or future spouse. However, there are several there looking to meet nice people and have fun like I am. I'll continue to be patient like you said. 



 

[once removed]

something like 80% of people these days have been "ghosted" in some form or fashion. a huge amount of them have ghosted someone else, or ghosted a job, or what have you.

it sucks. i certainly dont advocate it, but its a big part of the reality of dating in 2021.

[pynky80]

Hi Brighter
Yeh ive had a couple of guys b4 my exbpd come on so strong even tho they havnt met me saying they want marriage etc so i was just polite and said it wasnt really for me (i would like all that eventually but i think after only speaking twice its a bit much )

im supposed to be meeting someone in a couple of days and i dont know how that will go as even tho part of it seems nice to go out to meet someone (which is hard these days as being a single mum and working in a small place its not like i meet guys really so online is my only option) the brain is still thinking i wish it was my ex i was meeting but its been a month since he blocked me so i think he is most likely done with me

this guy was worried i wanted something serious and i was honest with him and said at the moment thats the last thing i want (as i gave my all to my ex thinking this was it he was the one and it got smushed)  so just hanging out for a bit might be what i need, i have been face timing till we meet and he has said the same as others that im really lovely pretty and sweet and that im perfect material for a**holes to play on and he told me not to be on the dating site im on as i will just get used

but i think if so many guys are telling me how pretty nice and sweet i am why am i still single and then the 1 guy i fall for has this damn disorder , and at least like you have stated that you just want to meet friends and have fun hopefully that way no1 will fall for anybody and know where they stand, its weird tho cuz part of me says this is what is should do and just enjoy myself and not be sad all the time over my ex who doesnt care, but then the other part ridiculously feels like im betraying him and betraying my heart, its a difficult feeling to describe :/