when you are learning the communication skills, its almost easier to think at first in terms of "donts" more than "dos".
dont sound like a robot. dont be condescending. dont validate the invalid.
do be yourself. its a lot like learning a new essay format. to write a good essay, you still need to use your voice, just within certain confines. its awkward at first.
its a lot easier than trying to figure out "the right words". thats not really the point or the purpose. the tools and skills help you not making things worse, at worst, and improve your relationship, at best. they dont make the other person easier to get along with, necessarily.
"wasn't much of a date since I didn't talk much, but you're welcome."
a lot of people with bpd traits, or even depressive traits, do this sort of thing. ive heard a lot of moody people tell me things like "sorry for bothering you"; its awkward and unnecessary, but it can be low self esteem talking, or it can be a bad mood, or both!
judging by how he followed up on it, it sounds like passive aggression. he was moody and spoiling to fight.
Typically I would have gone into caretaker mode and focused on his comment about him not talking much. I would have tried to ask why he was quiet or try to make him feel better about not talking.
its wise to change strategies there. lending too much credence to these comments can sometimes verge on validating the invalid, or negative reinforcement. it may be a sort of attention seeking remark on his end, and you dont want to simply ignore that, but sometimes we can give the wrong form of attention.
He replied by saying that my behavior contradicted my words...he asked "if you like spending time together, why did you to go to the store while I was home and why do you lay on the couch if you see that I'm laying down in the bedroom?" I validated how this could come across contradictory and clarified that I what I meant in my initial comment is that I value going out and spending time doing things with him. His reply was" "what I'm hearing is that just spending time in my presence is not important." I replied with "that's important too, I just really appreciate doing things out and about with you."
read between the lines. hes not looking for a literal answer or explanation. hes saying he felt lonely and/or rejected by you and hes blaming you for that. explaining it away will not soothe those feelings, that isnt the point. hes looking for reassurance. the challenge is providing that in a healthy, positive reinforcement kind of way.
sometimes, it helps to just ask clarifying questions:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0
