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Author Topic: Year post break up still no closure  (Read 564 times)
Conflictedlover

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« on: February 09, 2021, 11:11:38 AM »

Hi there. I was on this cite a long time ago when I was still in the relationship with my ex who has BPD. We were together for 2 years and in December the year mark of us breaking up passed. I am now in a healthy relationship with someone who supports and cares for me more than I was ever before. I am happy now and know I wouldn't go back to my ex with BPD. I was treated pretty horribly throughout our relationship. Cheated on multiple times, verbally and emtionally abused along with some physial abuse that I didn't consider abuse at the time. And here I am now over a year later and still trying to make sense of it and close the chapter. I still blame myself and like I know it wasn't just my fault but I still blame everything on me. Maybe if I just tried harder or did something better when I know I gave it my all. And I am still angry. How do you do that to another person? I poured my soul, my money, and literally everything else I had to offer into that relationship and was spit out like trash. And I am angry that she didn't show any empathy or remorse for what she did to me even though I know she isn't capable of it. I'm angry that it didn't hurt her as much as it hurt me and that she had a new girlfriend before we even ended. And I just don't understand. And I know I never will but still can't seem to let it all go.
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2021, 01:14:19 PM »

I’m so glad you posted this. I’m feeling the exact same way.  I experienced the same treatment in the areas of cheating, lying, manipulating, verbal and emotional abuse. I was discarded like trash close to two years ago and I went NC, so no closure. I’m in a great loving, healthy relationship now yet struggle to forget or get past my exwBPD.  The great memories, the passion, the chemistry, the trips, his great family, I hate daily that he’s experiencing this with someone else. My head and heart struggles to line up almost daily despite being very educated in BPD and a lot of therapy. 
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I’m not hopeless or broken anymore, instead I’m pretty hopeful and pieced back together with some really strong glue.
brighter future
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« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2021, 01:44:51 PM »

Hello Conflicted. I'm sorry to hear about the difficult time that you had in your previous relationship, however, it's very good to hear that you are now in a stable, healthy relationship.

I went through something similar with my uBPD ex-g/f nearly months ago. Like you and your ex, she and I were together for about two years but have known each other for over 20 years. She never got physically or verbally abusive towards me, but there was frequent push/pull behavior along with frequently changing goals, viewpoints, etc.  for almost the entire duration of the relationship along with FOG towards me (fear, obligation, and guilt). My ex also has strong ADHD traits, so that makes the uBPD worse. ADHD runs in her family on her father's side. There is also one confirmed case of BPD on her father's side of the family, also.    She desperately wanted engagement and marriage from me saying that I was the "man of her dreams", etc. I bought her an engagement ring about 5-6 weeks before our split and intended on giving it to her when the time was right. My holdup was her severe emotional issues, which she acknowledged that she needed professional help with. She came to me one day last April out of the blue and gave me a "either we get engaged or I'm out" ultimatum. Then she asked me what my holdup was. I told her her refusal to deal with her emotional issues is what was holding me back, but I offered to stand by her while she did that and assured her that I loved her. We talked on and off for two weeks after the fact and had agreed to try couples counseling to try and work things out. I sent her a text one evening to ask if I could call her and didn't get a response back until the following morning. She sent me a text informing me that she couldn't contact me back the night before because she "was on a date with an old friend." Turns out it was the guy she had an affair with after she left her ex-husband. The way she described this date to me gave me the strong impression that this was being rubbed in my face. At the time, I felt worthless and used by her.  She's still with this guy to the best of my knowledge, but has contacted me directly or indirectly several times since last September. I only acknowledged her twice and failed to respond to the other messages. It's my belief that she kept this guy on the hook to some degree while we were together incase anything went wrong. She has a pattern of doing that from her teen years well into adulthood and said to me that she usually always had a rebound to fall back on because she "couldn't stand to be alone." She described the guy that she's with now as "strictly a rebound" after she'd left her husband. She tossed him aside to start dating me, and I didn't learn about him until about 6 weeks into our relationship.  

After she told me about her date the night before, I sat there in disbelief especially since we agreed a few days before to try and work out our issues. I said, "How can you go from telling me one day that I was the man of your dreams and that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me to walking away from me just a handful of days later?" Her reply was, "I can't answer that. I don't have the energy for anymore questions, and I don't have anything left to say." Like you, I never got any closure, which made this relationship very hard to get over. Nons in BPD relationships rarely receive any closure from their ex partner. I only recall reading the testimonies of 1-2 members on this forum that ever received any kind of closure from their ex. I'm here to tell you that if you expect closure from your ex, you'll only drive yourself crazy waiting for it. I did that for about 3 months following the breakup.  Your closure is going to have to come from within yourself. Just know that there's nothing you could have done to change the outcome. That's something that I've had to learn to except, and I realize that most likely the same thing will eventually happen with my ex and her new man.

Like you did with your ex, I poured so much into my relationship with her. I was always there when she needed me emotionally or financially. As far as her being there for me when I needed her, that only occurred every so often. Her usual excuse when she could be there for me was "I just don't have the (emotional) energy now." Now that I've stepped out of the relationship, I can see what she meant now. pwBDP believe that the next person is going to fix them and make them whole, but that belief is so far from the truth. She is the only one that can do that for herself just as your ex is the only person that can make herself whole. Sadly, many of them never do. A pwBPD is like a bucket full of holes. You can stand there and pour water into that bucket all day long, and it will never be full. That's one of the most powerful analogies that I've learned here in the forum.

I wish you well on your journey. If it's any consolation to you, some days are still very raw for me even though our breakup occurred nearly 10 months ago. However, the days of feeling extreme emotional pain are gone for me. There is no set in stone timeframe for healing from these types of relationships, so be kind to yourself and focus on the positives the you've got going on now in your new relationship.
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Conflictedlover

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« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2021, 04:02:43 PM »

I’m so glad you posted this. I’m feeling the exact same way.  I experienced the same treatment in the areas of cheating, lying, manipulating, verbal and emotional abuse. I was discarded like trash close to two years ago and I went NC, so no closure. I’m in a great loving, healthy relationship now yet struggle to forget or get past my exwBPD.  The great memories, the passion, the chemistry, the trips, his great family, I hate daily that he’s experiencing this with someone else. My head and heart struggles to line up almost daily despite being very educated in BPD and a lot of therapy. 

Yes same. I am also educated in BPD fairly well I did a lot of research and reading when we were together and I also havev a therapist that has been helping me for some time at this point. I remind myself daily of the bad things that happened over the course of that relationship to keep my mind off of anything good that there was. It's so frustrating to be over it enough to move on but be angry and hurt enough that it still sticks around.
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Conflictedlover

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« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2021, 04:19:12 PM »

but have known each other for over 20 years. frequent push/pull behavior along with frequently changing goals, viewpoints, etc.  for almost the entire duration of the relationship along with FOG towards me (fear, obligation, and guilt).    She desperately wanted engagement and marriage. My holdup was her severe emotional issues, which she acknowledged that she needed professional help with.I offered to stand by her while she did that and assured her that I loved her. The way she described this date to me gave me the strong impression that this was being rubbed in my face. She's still with this guy to the best of my knowledge,
 Her usual excuse when she couldn't be there for me was "I just don't have the (emotional) energy now."  A pwBPD is like a bucket full of holes. You can stand there and pour water into that bucket all day long, and it will never be full.
 However, the days of feeling extreme emotional pain are gone for me. There is no set in stone timeframe for healing from these types of relationships, so be kind to yourself and focus on the positives the you've got going on now in your new relationship.

Thank you for sharing your story with me ours seems to be very similar. I also knew my ex many years before we started dating. 10. And I remember the push pull behavior and changing of goals for her life all too well. My ex also wanted engagement and marriage we were engaged for a year. she often would make "mistakes" during this time though. She needed a "break" but we were still "engaged" she would tell me she was going on a date with someone and I know now it was just to make me upset and manipulate me. She cheated on me more than once and I looked past it saying we could fix it. I believe her and the girl she cheated on me with last are still together. And I often wish I didn't think "what does she have that i do not" or "why wasn't I enough" I know I'll never know but they still plague me.  She did go to therapy for awhile but when she started feeling better she would stop and then it would get much worse again. I promised to stand by herside while she worked on her mental issues also but in the end i dont think she ever was actually working on them really. I hated that excuse with everything in my soul it used to make me so mad. She would also tell me that when I tried to communicate anything with her. How i was feeling, how she made me feel, the fact that i had been paying all of the bills for our living arrangement and animals. And it was always my fault she felt like that or that i picked a bad time to bring it up.
I have no extreme pain anymore either thankfully. those nights were cold and dark. And I know she will never give me closure and I need to find it in myself but i am finding it very difficult to figure out how to do that. How do i not blame myself? How do i accept everything that happend to me. Should i forgive? i feel like she doesn't deserve it but maybe i need to for me?
I love the boat and holes analogy its so true.
I am glad the extreme emotional pain is gone for you and that it's getting better. Here's hoping you continue to move forward everday.
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« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2021, 01:41:38 AM »

Excerpt
And here I am now over a year later and still trying to make sense of it and close the chapter. I still blame myself and like I know it wasn't just my fault but I still blame everything on me. Maybe if I just tried harder or did something better when I know I gave it my all. And I am still angry. How do you do that to another person? I poured my soul, my money, and literally everything else I had to offer into that relationship and was spit out like trash. And I am angry that she didn't show any empathy or remorse for what she did to me even though I know she isn't capable of it. I'm angry that it didn't hurt her as much as it hurt me and that she had a new girlfriend before we even ended. And I just don't understand. And I know I never will but still can't seem to let it all go.

take your recovery to a deeper level. to the next level.

you or i can tell yourself all day that those things arent the case, that youre a wonderful guy who was treated badly. has it helped?

at the end of the day, you have to understand why the relationship broke down, and why it didnt work out, to really let go of it. you have to learn the lessons from it in order to emotionally move on to something else.

you have to work past the hurt to the next phase.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
cash05458
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« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2021, 10:25:41 AM »

I think the hardest thing is there will never be closure...it just won't come with BPD's...that's the card they hold onto...let it go...we don't need closure in the end to move on...this is who they are...screw closure...that is their game, not ours in the end...
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mermaid8
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« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2021, 10:52:41 AM »

The wounds from these relationships have long-lasting effects.

The hardest part is there isn't closure and there won't be. How can there be closure to a disordered relationship which was based off of disordered thinking? But it's really hard and most of us require some sense of closure to move on and heal.

 I went to therapy after my breakup. My therapist explained that sometimes we don't need to know the "why's" in order to heal. It's our ego that wants to connect to that "why" so we can know in our conscious that we were  not to blame for the confusion of a relationship.

What I've learned is that the anger I felt about the breakup had a lot to do with me. I was always the "caring and nurturing one"...the one to make HIM feel better. Most of the time, I didn't give MYSELF the voice I needed in the relationship when I was not being treated well. I was too damn nice. I should have really let him have it and I should have walked away instead of being the one who was dumped. Plus... WHY did I stay in the relationship in the first place? Of course we understand in hind sight that it's because we longed and hoped that the r/s would return to the way it started. So again, I know that for me, I didn't get closure. After nine years, I still haven't. But what I have gotten, is knowing that I cannot expect that from my ex. They don't understand it themselves.

Part of what has helped me is that the r/s has allowed me to grow and know that I will N E V E R accept that kind of treatment again. That I'm outta there after a couple of red flags...

Perhaps you will never get closure but you can make sure that you have expressed everything on your end to your ex and it will provide some sense of closure for you.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Conflictedlover

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« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2021, 10:47:28 AM »

take your recovery to a deeper level. to the next level.

you or i can tell yourself all day that those things arent the case, that youre a wonderful guy who was treated badly. has it helped?

at the end of the day, you have to understand why the relationship broke down, and why it didnt work out, to really let go of it. you have to learn the lessons from it in order to emotionally move on to something else.

you have to work past the hurt to the next phase.

I am a girl Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
It has helped to some degree. I know I was not perfect and made mistakes of course. And I wouldn't say I hurt very much anymore. I did for a long time. But now it is mostly anger and frustration and incredulousness. Like I said I know that I will never know why I'll never get an answer. But how do I calm the anger and accept and move on completely?
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Conflictedlover

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« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2021, 10:49:16 AM »

I think the hardest thing is there will never be closure...it just won't come with BPD's...that's the card they hold onto...let it go...we don't need closure in the end to move on...this is who they are...screw closure...that is their game, not ours in the end...

I agree with you it is definietly the hardest part. How do I just let it go though? I guess I am struggling to accept that I will never have an answer and that that is okay. And that it's okay to feel cheated. But even to this day I am so very confused and I hate it.
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Conflictedlover

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« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2021, 10:55:30 AM »


 I went to therapy after my breakup. My therapist explained that sometimes we don't need to know the "why's" in order to heal. It's our ego that wants to connect to that "why" so we can know in our conscious that we were  not to blame for the confusion of a relationship.

What I've learned is that the anger I felt about the breakup had a lot to do with me. I was always the "caring and nurturing one"...the one to make HIM feel better. Most of the time, I didn't give MYSELF the voice I needed in the relationship when I was not being treated well. I was too damn nice. I should have really let him have it and I should have walked away instead of being the one who was dumped. Plus... WHY did I stay in the relationship in the first place? Of course we understand in hind sight that it's because we longed and hoped that the r/s would return to the way it started. So again, I know that for me, I didn't get closure. After nine years, I still haven't. But what I have gotten, is knowing that I cannot expect that from my ex. They don't understand it themselves.

Part of what has helped me is that the r/s has allowed me to grow and know that I will N E V E R accept that kind of treatment again. That I'm outta there after a couple of red flags...

Perhaps you will never get closure but you can make sure that you have expressed everything on your end to your ex and it will provide some sense of closure for you.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Wow I never thought of it that way. That a lot of the anger is at myself. I have felt some of t he things you have mentioned. The restement becasue I was always the caring one/ one that did everything, the why didn't I leave? Like you said I know it was because I was in love with her and it is easier to see now.
It has also made me very adept at seeing red flags in others which has come in handy since the ending of that relationship and one thing I am thankful I got to learn throughout this process.
I have also never thought about telling my ex how I feel. The anger I feel at her and at myself. I never really got to express that. And while we have short communications every now and then (bill related) I still have never told her any of that. I often wonder if I should or if it would just cause more harm. What are your thoughts on that?
I greatly apperciate your input. Being angry at myself I think has just opened up something I can start to heal from and maybe forgive myself.
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« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2021, 01:40:28 PM »

Thank you for sharing your story with me ours seems to be very similar. I also knew my ex many years before we started dating. 10. And I remember the push pull behavior and changing of goals for her life all too well. My ex also wanted engagement and marriage we were engaged for a year. she often would make "mistakes" during this time though. She needed a "break" but we were still "engaged" she would tell me she was going on a date with someone and I know now it was just to make me upset and manipulate me. She cheated on me more than once and I looked past it saying we could fix it. I believe her and the girl she cheated on me with last are still together. And I often wish I didn't think "what does she have that i do not" or "why wasn't I enough" I know I'll never know but they still plague me.  She did go to therapy for awhile but when she started feeling better she would stop and then it would get much worse again. I promised to stand by herside while she worked on her mental issues also but in the end i dont think she ever was actually working on them really. I hated that excuse with everything in my soul it used to make me so mad. She would also tell me that when I tried to communicate anything with her. How i was feeling, how she made me feel, the fact that i had been paying all of the bills for our living arrangement and animals. And it was always my fault she felt like that or that i picked a bad time to bring it up.

You're quite welcome, Conflicted. It helps me out emotionally to talk about my experiences with other people as well. What Mermaid and Cash shared with you was spot on. I especially identified with this statement that Mermaid shared with you: "What I've learned is that the anger I felt about the breakup had a lot to do with me. I was always the "caring and nurturing one"...the one to make HIM feel better. Most of the time, I didn't give MYSELF the voice I needed in the relationship when I was not being treated well. I was too damn nice. I should have really let him have it and I should have walked away instead of being the one who was dumped." That hit so close to home for me as I spent so much time in the caretaker role with my ex and never got much in return. I lost myself in the process and was emotionally worn out in the end, which triggered my PTSD from what I went through with my ex-wife before my ex-g/f. Never once did I share with her how used I felt by her while we were together. However, I did convey that to her the day she rubbed it in my face that she'd been out on a date with the guy she keeps recycling. By then, I'd had enough so I just let it out. Funny thing is, when I told her all of that, all she said was "Ok" in return. As Cash said "This is who they are", ultimately they don't care or don't have the capacity to care about us and the pain we feel.

Like your ex, mine went to therapy as well for about 3-4 months during our relationship, then she quit going. She admitted to me that she never told the counselor about the terrible abuse that she suffered as a child and only touched on her difficult marriage with her ex-husband as well as a few other things. The said she "didn't feel comfortable" talking about the abuse with the counselor. She did fairly well for 5-6 months then started spiraling out of control again and said several times that she needed to return to a counselor, and I agreed to support her as much as I could through that process. During the time period that she was going to counseling during our relationship is when she was the most stable emotionally.  To my knowledge she still hasn't gotten help, but now both of her kids are in therapy (one is also now on psychotropic meds), as her issues have greatly affected her own children. They both have significant issues. Her son has issues with explosive anger, and her adolescent daughter is severely depressed and has been doing self harm to her body in the form of cutting. My ex was actually visiting her parents yesterday who live next door to me. Every time her son sees my child and I outside, he runs over and wants to spend time with us. He was with us yesterday for over an hour hanging out and having fun. My heart aches for her kids. Both of them have told other family members that they are happier and would rather live with their dad instead of their mom, most likely because of their mother's issues. When her son comes over, he never says anything to me or my child about his mother, only things about his dad. I'm assuming probably because he is unhappy in his mother's home.

Last evening I heard from some friends of mine that are extended family members of my ex. They had contacted me asking about something unrelated to my ex. Towards the end of the conversation, her name came up. They told me that she'd gone on a weekend getaway last week to a cabin in the woods with Mr. Rebound/Recycle. Supposedly she made a social media post that included a picture of them kissing outside amongst the snow and trees. She described how wonderful he was and said that their 10 month anniversary as a couple was coming up next week. I couldn't help but sit there and laugh at that. I told my friends, "Well, that's really sweet. She and I broke up 10 months ago next week. So, it looks like her relationships with me and him overlapped or were back to back, and she's telling on herself over social media." Hearing that just confirms once again what I was actually dealing with while I was with her and makes me very fortunate that this ended. They have told me many times they are glad that I didn't end up marrying her and that "she would have made your life a living hell." As my counselor told me the other evening, "Ultimately her relationship with this guy won't end well either. Once again, you've been given the gift of freedom. Freedom from all of that mental illness that you and your child don't need to be exposed to. You dodged a bullet."

Best wishes.

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cash05458
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« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2021, 02:18:48 PM »

Conflicted...I think in my case I quickly realized that there simply could be no closure. Mine was so extreme, tho I have read far worst stories here so don't get me wrong. Mine, like yours, began with someone new while we still were living together after 6 years...so out of the blue...just telling me she had met a stranger on facebook and they had been talking, she was moving to another country 3500 miles away to be with him. With that she cleared out our entire bank account, leaving me destitute.  She took our only car, leaving me stranded in the country side and knowing how vulnerable that would leave me. Besides that she left and abandoned even her own cats she had arrived 6 years ago with here with me. Who does such things? I knew pretty quickly for myself that there will be no closure on this...I mean, what kind of closure can you have on such things as that? That she realizes how terrible and cruel her actions were when only a few days before she was telling me how deeply she loved me and we were a for ever couple? Or explain her motivations to do such a insane thing or how our failures might have driven her to that? That wasn't and isn't going to happen.

As for getting over the non closure Conflicted...well, yes, it is still painful to me and would love such a thing...but knowing it will never arrive is something I have accepted like a wound I shall carry with me for the rest of my life. If the trade off is not being in that relationship any longer and for good and being able to find myself again and understand myself more deeply, then so be it...bring on the wound. It's the price I have to pay I suppose...perhaps my penance. That's ok. I carry a few wounds around with me anyhow, so one more isn't going to kill me.

I wish it were not that way but it is.

As for expressing exactly how you feel about their actions...well, you can and you have EVERY right to do so I believe...of course...but I don't know if I would expect much...it won't bring closure I think...I was able to express everything to my ex. but once we were apart and she had split me SO entirely black it fell on deaf ears. If anything, she used it to convince herself even more so of not only my blackness, but as some odd justification for all of her terrible actions. Mine, anyhow, was and is completely immune from accepting any moral or personal responsibility for her actions. I suspect that is the case with many BPD's...especially when they were the one to hit the nuclear button at the end. 
« Last Edit: February 11, 2021, 02:31:00 PM by cash05458 » Logged
mermaid8
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« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2021, 09:35:46 PM »

Wow I never thought of it that way. That a lot of the anger is at myself. I have felt some of t he things you have mentioned. The restement becasue I was always the caring one/ one that did everything, the why didn't I leave? Like you said I know it was because I was in love with her and it is easier to see now.
It has also made me very adept at seeing red flags in others which has come in handy since the ending of that relationship and one thing I am thankful I got to learn throughout this process.
I have also never thought about telling my ex how I feel. The anger I feel at her and at myself. I never really got to express that. And while we have short communications every now and then (bill related) I still have never told her any of that. I often wonder if I should or if it would just cause more harm. What are your thoughts on that?
I greatly apperciate your input. Being angry at myself I think has just opened up something I can start to heal from and maybe forgive myself.

I'm so glad some of my words resonated and helped. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I believe that when we give a voice to our feelings, it sets us free from anything we were keeping bottled up. We take back the power that we gave away. I don't think being truthful about your feelings could cause harm as you stated. What is the worst that could happen? The relationship is over. The importance of having her still "like" you needs to come second to YOU liking yourself enough to be truthful. I mean, what harm could it cause? You're still in the protecting mode and it's probably like autopilot. I get it, believe me. It took me a very very long time post break up to gain the courage to give myself a voice with my ex. Our pattern was that I was the one to protect him even though he was the one treating me poorly (on and off). If it was all bad I wouldn't have stayed. Anyway, what I realized is that letting him know how I felt, was only for my benefit. I didn't care what he thought of me. It no longer mattered. Those who really know me, know I'm a good person. It really set me free and I think it would help you too.

I read a quote this week. It was pretty profound. It was: "when we stay silent to keep peace...we wage a war within ourselves". WOW! That is powerful!

You're stronger than you think. Give yourself a voice. Or write a letter or email. Just get it out and continue healing. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 48


« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2021, 09:58:04 AM »

I'm so glad some of my words resonated and helped. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I believe that when we give a voice to our feelings, it sets us free from anything we were keeping bottled up. We take back the power that we gave away. What is the worst that could happen? The relationship is over. The importance of having her still "like" you needs to come second to YOU liking yourself enough to be truthful. I mean, what harm could it cause? You're still in the protecting mode and it's probably like autopilot. I get it, believe me. It took me a very very long time post break up to gain the courage to give myself a voice with my ex. Our pattern was that I was the one to protect him even though he was the one treating me poorly (on and off). If it was all bad I wouldn't have stayed. Anyway, what I realized is that letting him know how I felt, was only for my benefit. I didn't care what he thought of me. It no longer mattered. Those who really know me, know I'm a good person. It really set me free and I think it would help you too.

I read a quote this week. It was pretty profound. It was: "when we stay silent to keep peace...we wage a war within ourselves". WOW! That is powerful!

I really like that quote. It couldn't be more true thats for sure. As to what harm I am definietly in the protecting mood that you mentioned above and it is very much autopilot even after an entire year. But her liking me isnt my biggest issue. I know it doesn't matter much what she thinks about me but more about what she thinks about herself or the angry words I could see coming my way if i were to say what i truly felt. I feel like I'm almost trying to protect her from herself even now and I have a lot of fear. Of telling her or writing it to her or whatever of her lashing out calling me hurtful things like she did when we were together screaming, maybe even physcially lashing out that one could not happen though. What was your time like like when you did it with your ex? Did you guys meet in person to talk? How did they take it?
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Conflictedlover

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 48


« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2021, 10:56:59 AM »

she was moving to another country 3500 miles away to be with him. With that she cleared out our entire bank account, leaving me destitute.  She took our only car, leaving me stranded in the country side and knowing how vulnerable that would leave me. Besides that she left and abandoned even her own cats she had arrived 6 years ago with here with me. Who does such things? I
yes, it is still painful to me and would love such a thing...but knowing it will never arrive is something I have accepted like a wound I shall carry with me for the rest of my life. If the trade off is not being in that relationship any longer and for good and being able to find myself again and understand myself more deeply, then so be it...bring on the wound.

As for expressing exactly how you feel about their actions...well, you can and you have EVERY right to do so I believe...of course...but I don't know if I would expect much...it won't bring closure I think...I was able to express everything to my ex. but once we were apart and she had split me SO entirely black it fell on deaf ears. If anything, she used it to convince herself even more so of not only my blackness, but as some odd justification for all of her terrible actions. Mine, anyhow, was and is completely immune from accepting any moral or personal responsibility for her actions. I suspect that is the case with many BPD's...especially when they were the one to hit the nuclear button at the end. 

Oh my god I'm so sorry that happend to you that is like a whole new level compared to me. I don't think I expect anything from her if I were to tell her what I feel. I've accepted that she is pretty much a stone and not capable of the remorse I think she should have. I guess the thing I am most frustrated by is that I still have to deal with the pain and frustration of what the relationship and then ending of it was and I know for a fact that she does not and did not have to deal with all of that.
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mermaid8
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Broken up from ex boyfriend for 9 years - was able to form a friendship until recently.
Posts: 405



« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2021, 04:10:47 PM »

I really like that quote. It couldn't be more true thats for sure. As to what harm I am definietly in the protecting mood that you mentioned above and it is very much autopilot even after an entire year. But her liking me isnt my biggest issue. I know it doesn't matter much what she thinks about me but more about what she thinks about herself or the angry words I could see coming my way if i were to say what i truly felt. I feel like I'm almost trying to protect her from herself even now and I have a lot of fear. Of telling her or writing it to her or whatever of her lashing out calling me hurtful things like she did when we were together screaming, maybe even physcially lashing out that one could not happen though. What was your time like like when you did it with your ex? Did you guys meet in person to talk? How did they take it?

I think the only goal to expressing yourself is to give yourself a voice which will allow you to heal. It's for you, not so you can rub her face into anything...100% for you. Believe me, this will help you heal. Even if it's a written note. Something expressing YOUR feelings about how they made you feel. The goal isn't to cure them of their disorder or even make them change. But it's giving you the opportunity to like yourself and protect yourself as much as you protected her. And still protecting her if you're worried about her lashing out. You don't have to take it, so if you do it in person or on the phone just leave the conversation if she lashes out. Maybe a note is best.

My ex was ok listening to what I had to say. I used "I" statements and was careful with my phrasing. It wasn't to accuse him of anything but rather let him know that his actions were incredibly hurtful. There are still things I probably need to say but now that time has passed, it's less important. My ex actually apologized. I was  never in danger of physical harm as he was never abusive in that regard. But, at the time I finally gave myself a voice, I know that he was looking to recycle me... so he was calm and listened.

Something that also helped me was to know that having a disorder is NOT an excuse to treat someone badly. There is a huge difference between someone who can't help having a behavior and someone who chooses to react a certain way. Their disorder is NOT an excuse. Period.

My recent convo with my ex, which led us to not speak as friends...was enough to remind me of why we could never work. It's because I actually attempted to talk about something that bothered me and wanted to clear the air. Less than a minute into our conversation it became impossible to actually have constructive dialogue so I stopped. It was just what I needed to remind me why I didn't even try to communicate sometimes.

I really think you've feel better when you realize that you deserve to put yourself and your feelings first. I know it's not easy, but it's really worth it!
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