ljwin
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 23
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« on: February 11, 2021, 02:52:47 AM » |
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Need help understanding why I was given closure and how to move past this.
Sometimes closure can be overrated I think. I was in a 17 year marriage since 16 years old, we had everything. I forgave cheating in the early years and it festered in the relationship as our children grew older as the old pattern of behaviour returned. Out of the blue bang, she wanted a divorce citing things that just never happened! I moved out and he moved in, she refused to speak to me, offer an apology and on the occasions we did speak blamed me for everything!
Moving on I met a girl diagnosed with BPD. Everything happened very fast and we discussed that I had my children full-time and given their ages and the ages of her children plus her children’s emotional needs as well as mine it would be better to wait until at least our older children had grown. I can tell you I never felt so loved in all my life, then the weirdness started, sudden fall outs over trivial things that weren’t really based in reality, extreme jealousy which could be as much as I get a call during the working day from a female colleague.
From there came extreme drunk states with violence towards me, awful verbal assaults in front of my children, always when she was drunk. She would drink until she passed out usually after a few hours of walking around in a trance with music blaring screaming about her childhood.
We broke up a few times usually by my decision. I just was unable to see a future and my children started to see more of the behaviour. By this point she had lost her own children due to alcoholism, her house was a huge mess. I had grown very distant in order to protect myself and my children but still hoping it would change. In the 2.5 years I supported her as much as I could to my own detriment, I tried everything to find her support even DBT which is very difficult to get in the UK, she never stuck to any of it.
She started a new job which meant we couldn’t see each other as much, within a couple of weeks she was secretive with her phone, I knew there was something and even asked but she denied it. One day she wants to see me at an unusual time to give me my birthday presents even though we would have seen each other the next day usually for her weekend at my place. We didn’t end up meeting but spoke on the phone. She wanted the relationship to end. I didn’t really say much. That weekend her family and ex husband got in touch as they were worried she wasn’t contactable so I drive over on the Monday afternoon, the door was open, house smashed up and alcohol everywhere. I found her in bed with the guy from work.
Couple days later we meet up and she apologises with the most sincerity I’ve ever seen, takes full responsibility and states it was because she knew I would never marry her and she can’t be alone, can’t ever be fixed. She’s continued to see him and is now in self destruct mode, drinking like I or her ex husband has ever known and attacks him every time he’s over, she got sent home from work as she broke down saying how much she loved me and she can’t accept what she has done to me and was considering suicide. We last spoke a couple of days ago after she kept asking to see me but I just spoke over the phone. She never begged to come back, she just kept crying and stating how much she loved me like no one before and how for the first time in her life she had actually felt her love grow and had never felt so connected, she couldn’t forgive herself for hurting someone she loved so much, told me I had truly taken care of her and she wished she had taken more care of me, she had dragged me down with her and basically just kept apologising. I knew then that if I said let’s work this out she would have done anything to come back. But, I know and she knows that there is no way back now, not because of the cheating if you can call it that but because she isn’t capable of the change and patience she would need to make in order for it to work.
What I’m struggling with is that due to all I know about BPD, I just can’t decide if any of it was real, was the love real and is the sincere apology and closure real. From speaking to her ex husband he says he can’t believe she waited 2.5yrs with no commitment from me, said she could only have sex when drunk, was never kind even when sober. She had said to me I was the first person that she was capable of to do that, and no one had ever been so kind and patient with her. I didn’t believe her at the time but obviously with the exH confirming it’s the case sort of made me question it now.
When my marriage ended I was given no closure whatsoever, only blame. Over time I realised of course that it wasn’t the case but I spent a lot of time wishing I had done things differently to stop it from happening. This time around I’m torturing myself in a different way, thinking this person actually loved me so much that against her usual instinct to cut and run she kept coming back and damaged herself even further by doing so. All I ever wanted to see was positive sustained change, I don’t think living with me would have made a difference as we did spend a lot of time together and I feared if we did move in and get married I would end up just like her exH!
So I think I would have rather been sat here thinking it was all a lie and have no closure. Or perhaps I can say well she did love me, it was real but I couldn’t support that in mine and my children’s lives any further.
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