He stopped talking to me

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello BPD community

I'd be happy about some support because I'm completely breaking apart in this situation

I'm dating a new person long distance since May 2020 and he even proposed to me in September because we love each other so much.

I am not sure if he has BPD because he's only diagnosed with depression but the symptoms he's showing remind me a lot of my beloved ex boyfriend

We used to Skype daily because we live too far away from each other to spend much time in person and as our countries are in lockdown we couldn't see each other for 5 months.

The Skype frequency changed.. he started always being tired because he has a sleeping illness and his depression hit hard because a family member died...

Also he picked fights about little things, then disappeared on me for days. I know he even lied about some things to avoid skyping with me. I never told him that l found out about that..

In October he tried to break up with me, because he was struggling with his depression so much and I was too much for him../asked for too much..
But he came back after 3 weeks, apologising..

After he came back he kept making up excuses to skype with me less.

At some point I told him l was unhappy in our relationship because we used to see each other every day and now I'm lucky when he has 20 minutes a week for me.. also the ignoring got to me so much..

In December and in January I broke up with him because he ignored me again instead of calling me like he promised... I took him back when he apologised. I love him like crazy and never wanted this to end in the first place, just didn't know what to do when he doesn't talk to me for days although he promised he would..
He promised again to do better, to skype with me 3 times a week and to stop breaking promises and ignoring me.

2 weeks ago he was late for our skype date again. When I called him he said he had a headache and would prefer calling me tomorrow.
After all that happened over the past few months, I asked him if he could still call me for 5 minutes.. he started ignoring me again... (I didn't even believe in the headache after all)

I got very anxious and called him a few times and I texted him a lot... Asked him to call me when he's free because I've been so upset to be ignored.. I said that he's treating the situation in a terrible way by just stopping to talk to me.. - he texted back that I was too much and that I was handling the situation terrible myself..

That was the last thing I heard from him...
I reached out a few times and told him when l was free to talk about everything..
nothing.
A few days later I wished him a happy anniversary on social media...
As a reaction.. he deleted our photos..
I left him all alone to cool down for a week...

Yesterday - without a warning - he deleted me on all social media.. Still without saying a word... I sent him a letter, apologising for my part in this fight... For being pushy and overwhelming and that he can get in touch when he's ready..

The letter might arrive in a few days...


My anxiety is sky high
He never said that it's over, but as he stopped talking to me and deleted me everywhere I am afraid that we are no longer together

Does this sound like borderline to you?
Is there a chance that he still comes back?

He always came back, but this feels so final and I'm scared.

I'm in pieces - I never healed from my first BPD relationship, I can't believe that my second fiancé is leaving like that too.

Much love and thanks for thoughts and opinions

I feel like l made all the mistakes again..

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

I'm so sorry this is happening.

All the signals he is sending seem to be saying what?

Best,

FF

[FaithfulInLove]

That I'm not important

I'm so scared he won't be back

[maxsterling]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this   I've been there, too. 

Does he have BPD?  Maybe.  Does it matter?  Not sure.  It does seem like he has changed his direction and left you with heartache.  My best suggestion is to distract yourself, and leave it up to him.  You obviously want to reconnect, but it seems like there is nothing else you can do here.  I'm sorry.

Many years ago had an online relationship like this.  It lasted about 6 months.  The last 3 weeks she rarely replied, and the last week probably nothing.  She did have the decency to send an email saying things were over, saying she unexpectedly reconnected with an ex.  A year or so later, she did contact me again, and we exchanged a few emails.  I was unclear of her intent, and when I pushed things a little, she became uncomfortable again and disappeared.  With a little clarity a year or so later, the pieces suddenly made sense.  I am 99% sure she was married the whole time, and somewhat estranged from her husband.  Being long distance, I had no idea and only could trust her words. 

So will he come back to you?  My guess is he has moved on.  Some time in the future he may contact you again.  I would not count on it.

[formflier]

That I'm not important

I'm so scared he won't be back

I'm going to encourage you to resist "interpreting" or figuring out the "why".

It's probably more about him than you.

Would you agree he is sending signals that he doesn't want to communicate...or have less communication...and has done so for a while.

Do you see this point of view?

Best,

FF

[FaithfulInLove]

He's been lying to spend less time, l don't understand why though

He promised to spend 3 nights a week on video chat, then never made that happen

We were engaged, l don't understand why you wouldn't wanna spend time with the person you love the most

So many questions in my head

[formflier]

He's been lying to spend less time

So...what if he doesn't understand "why" either?

Best,

FF

[FaithfulInLove]

You think he's just confused?

[formflier]

"just confused" doesn't really give the issue the "weight" that I would hope you would give to alternate points of view.

Here is a hallmark of BPD...very changeable feelings.  Add to this the feeling that whatever feeling that you are feeling "at the moment" is "the truth" and there will be and has never been "another truth".


So...accept that to be true for "the sake of this discussion". 

So...if he feels something so strongly that he believes it...is he lying to you when he tells you things? 

Plus...pwBPD are usually not that good at expressing themselves.

When I read your story..for a long time he has been "telling you" that he wants "less".  His explanations lack detail, so you press for "why".

Here is the thing...he is wanting less...you want more detail...so you press (you get more...he does NOT get less).  That leads to him doing more dysfunctional things to "get less" because (to him) you aren't listening to him.

Take everything I've said here and take it "very broadly".  Do you "see" the dynamic I'm talking about?

If you "want more" of him...what is the implication of the dynamic you are starting to see.

Best,

FF

[FaithfulInLove]

This is so hard to understand

If he told me that he needs space because he feels like being alone I would surely understand

He's an intelligent person, why wouldn't he just talk to me?

Instead of letting me wait for answers here
I'm completely breaking down - he knows l do have my own issues but he seems to have lost all empathy

This is so hard to understand

He's a very intelligent young man, he's going to university and he knows how to express himself. I don't get why he wouldn't express his feelings to me as his future wife


I feel like I've pushed for too much.. do l still have a chance with him? I just want my beloved fiancé back

[tvda]

Sigh...

This place is full of people who keep on loving and wanting their partner back, even though their partners treat them badly. And we keep on fighting to get back the person they once were, but this never happens.

OP, you are being treated badly. He is clearly expressing he does not care about your feelings, and this will hurt but, that he does not have strong feelings for you anymore. Watch their words, not their actions.

And don't fight for someone who treats you badly. Why would you do that? The only person that can get back to 'their old version' is themselves. There is nothing you can do to change that. And if they would really want to be their old selves, they already would be.

I know I'm not supposed to say this in the "reversing a breakup" forum, but... Why would you want someone back who treats you like this?

Disclaimer: I may talk the talk, but I don't walk the walk either. I'm also still fighting for someone who has been treating me badly for a long time, in hope to see 'the old her' again.

[formflier]

This is so hard to understand

Yes it is.  In a way, it's like realizing someone you believed was speaking your native language...is actually speaking one you have no understanding of whatsoever.

A large part of the journey here is coming to grips with this.

If he told me that he needs space because he feels like being alone I would surely understand

I'm sure you would have and I'm sure this seems simple to you.  Please understand it's likely not nearly this simple to him.

He's an intelligent person, why wouldn't he just talk to me?

But...is he "emotionally intelligent"?  

the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.

Instead of letting me wait for answers here

It's unlikely he was considering you or the impact on you.

I'm completely breaking down - he knows l do have my own issues but he seems to have lost all empathy

My guess is he is trusting you to handle your own issues.  I would suggest you do the same for him.

This is so hard to understand

Yes it is.

What can you do today for you...that is special?

Best,

FF

He's a very intelligent young man, he's going to university and he knows how to express himself. I don't get why he wouldn't express his feelings to me as his future wife

I feel like I've pushed for too much.. do l still have a chance with him? I just want my beloved fiancé back

[maxsterling]

Sometimes I get in a train of thought where I assume my W has the same emotional intelligence as me (and I think my wife assumes the same in reverse).  I will think, "why can't W see that she is causing her own problem", or "Someday W will 'get it', apologize, and we can move forward."  W and I are beginning marriage counseling, again.  The reality is I have little hope for anything to change because MC requires both participants to have some basic emotional intelligence and step outside of their own feelings.  My W is probably not capable of that...

But - in some sense, W is very emotionally intelligent.  She just lacks ability to act differently to intense emotions.  She knows what is going on, she knows how her behavior affects things, just has an inability to do anything different.  Example - she knows she gets depressed and anxious when she watches the news.  So what does she do every night when she can't sleep?  Watches the news and gets more anxious and depressed, and loses more sleep as a result. 

You can't fix or change your fiancé.  Sure it would be easier if you had a concrete answer about what was going on - but I guarantee that won't come, and if it does it won't come soon.