Current partner's Ex has BPD

[GreyArea]

Hello -
I'm here because my current partner's ex and parent to their children has BPD. Recently divorced and my partner is just beyond worn out and exhausted in dealing with so much, including worrying about the unpredictability of the ex's behavior and how that will affect the children, long term. I want to do my absolute best to support my partner, their children  and even, when the time comes and is appropriate, the ex that suffers from BPD. I want to give this the best shot possible for all of us.

My question is - what is the best way to support someone that has an ex with BPD. What did you need from others when you were going through this?
I have asked what my partner needs from me but I suspect they are in such an overwhelmed spot right now that they are having a difficult time even comprehending their own needs.

Thank you

[Sunflower45]

Simply being a stable presence can be incredibly valuable for children of a BPD parent. My one piece of advice would be to make sure you don’t stray  into rescue mode and end up depleted yourself. It is a natural and loving tendency to want to help when loved ones are in pain, but healthy boundaries are needed to take care of yourself as well.

I share this both as a child of a BPD mother and having once been in a serious relationship with a man with delightful kids whose wife showed many BPD behaviors.

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

I agree with Sunflower45 about the power of being a stable presence, as well as having healthy boundaries.

There's a bunch of us over on the co-parenting with a BPDx board that might be helpful, especially if you're looking for specific skills (that don't tend to be intuitive and must be learned) and people who are working on the same issues.

How old are the kids? Is there a custody schedule in place?

How fortunate for your partner that you are seeking ways to support.
 

[worriedStepmom]

Hi GreyArea, I hope you are still watching!

My stepdaughter (SD13)'s mom is undiagnosed BPD (uBPD).   We went through some pretty tumultuous years of drama, and it took a toll on all of us.  H freezes sometimes when he has to deal with his ex, and we both spent way too much time to placate mom to get her to STOP and not enough time actually protecting SD13 from mom's emotional abuse.  We wised up about 3 years ago.  H filed for primary custody, and over the last several years we went from a 50/50 custody schedule to 85/15, with H as primary parent and uBPDmom  having no overnights.

It really helped me to get a therapist for myself.  SD13 also has a therapist. 

It also helped me to identify what MY triggers were and start setting clear boundaries.  Boundaries are about YOU will do, not what the other person will do.  For example, I got really really tired of Sd13's mom just showing up at our house demanding to talk to H or SD13 and not leaving.  One day I put my foot down and told her she was no longer welcome at MY home, period, and I would call the cops and report her for trespassing if she showed up uninvited.  She doesn't come here anymore.

Beyond that, I made a conscious decision that I love my H very much and want to emotionally support him, but my role in the family is to advocate for what's best for SD13.  This works for us because a) I figured this out after we were an established family for several years and b) H still has trouble identifying the parts of his ex's behaviors that are abusive.  He's stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) when dealing with her.

It sounds like your relationship is a lot newer.  Can you tell us a little about what's been going on?  We may be able to help you with skills and brainstorming.

[TryingPatience]

Wow, solid gold here. I'm in this exact same boat.  I've been w/ my BF for two years and his S10's mom is uBPD.  He's in the FOG majorly and I have extreme disagreements in the way he guilt-parent's S10.  I stay out of it, but its emotionally taxing for me to stand by and watch what I think is going to cause this kid to be messed up later in life.  I love S10 very much.  Won't take her to court for better custody arrangement, won't seek therapy for S10 or himself, etc.  S10 plays video games over 8 hr per day, school is the lowest priority with most days not doing anything, and trying to keep up with math as a bare minimum.  He gets asked things like "do you want to do math or play video games for another half hour?"  Who asks a kid a question like that? S10 is overweight with no effort to improve his diet.  S10 has no bedtime and BF sleeps with him (so he doesn't fall out of his platform bed, which I feel is total BS).
In addition, I hate how much influence uBPD bio-mom has in our lives.  She takes every opportunity to  mess up any time we have together (bring S10 this, he needs that, etc and she doesn't drive).  The hours of crying and stalling to take S10 there resulting in drop offs happening often after 11 PM ruins our time as a couple.  S10 also has no bedtime and BF still sleeps with him.  So, we only get alone time when S10 isn't there.
I'm trying to be the picture of stability, patience and quiet support, but I'm not sure where all this is going to go if this is my life for the next 8+ years.

[yeeter]

This is a fantastic topic.

Listening.  He likely needs to 'talk it out' about a bunch of stuff.  Up to a point - a couple good friends reached a point where they were tired of hearing about it, drew a line in the sand.  That was big because had I kept at it they would just have distanced themselves from me.

So that is about setting some boundaries.  Also by setting boundaries you force him to balance his time/energy on other stuff.  Stuff that he does have control over.  Healthier, moving forward, type of stuff.  So at times you might even want to set a time limit on listening and tell him this, then move on to other topics/activities that are healthier and happier.  This helps keep him from getting stuck in the abyss.

Setting behavior boundaries is great advice.  Show everyone the example of doing so.  You teach others how to treat yourself, so do not be afraid of establishing limits and structure.  (on the things you control)

Ensuring there are other activities.  Positive things.  As much social interaction with healthy happy people that you can fit in.

Exercise.  Eat well. 

Put your own life vest on first.