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Author Topic: First post - I am so afraid to initiate breakup.  (Read 341 times)
SufferingMama
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 1


« on: February 12, 2021, 09:31:38 AM »

Hi there, I am so happy to find this place. I think my partner has BPD. I have suffered from his behaviour for years, and now my children are suffering too. His mood swings, his criticisms, we all walk on egg shells around him.

I want to end the relationship. The house we live in is mine and legally I can ask him to go. He doesn't have any friends or family to go to, and he doesn't have a job so I think I will need to set him up.

I am so afraid, and so unhappy. It kills me to see my kids be so vigilant and nervous around him, and he gets so angry when they are nervous with him and takes it as a rejection. It's because they are scared of him. They love their father, but he is like Jekyll and Hyde around them. The challenge is that he sees himself as a great Dad.

How can I ask him to move out and minimise the fall out?
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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2021, 01:45:40 PM »

Hey SufferingMama, Welcome!  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings and do what is right for you and your kids.  The fallout is beyond your control, so I would propose that you let go of taking responsibility for it.  Let the chips fall.  Stand in your truth.  Sometime a few harsh words up front can save a lot of pain down the line.  Don't sugarcoat it.  If your partner suffers from BPD, you should expect an attempt to manipulate you through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a pwBPD will try to twist your arm, so be prepared.  Keep us posted.

LuckyJim
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SinisterComplex
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2021, 12:03:34 AM »

Stand in your truth.  Sometime a few harsh words up front can save a lot of pain down the line.  Don't sugarcoat it.

LuckyJim

LJ, this is perfection. SufferingMama...LJ is 100% right on this. Confrontation is necessary and something that shouldn't be shied away from. Face it and embrace it. Do not live in fear. You control your life so don't let fear play a part and have any control over you. On a personal level...with the kids this would be something I would not hesitate to pull the plug on. I have been helping a friend of mine going through divorce with his soon to be ex wife who is undiagnosed. There is a parallel here. So as I said to him...you place the value of being a parent at the top of the mountain right? Well then be the super parent and limit the toxicity by making yourself happier. You cannot control the other party, but if you can find the fortitude to stand up and pull the plug and choose YOU and your kids it will be for the better. Your kids will be happier when they can see you at your best. Your kids are probably not just feeling the vigilance because of him, but they are also probably feeling the weight of your emotions as well. Kids are highly attuned to those things...we as adults tend to forget this.

As for asking him to move out...I'll stop you right there and instead say change the mind set to you are going to tell him you are done and he needs to go. You are not responsible for him. You also cannot worry about the fallout. Even under the best circumstances a situation like this isn't easy. There is no minimizing it. Rip the band-aid off and as LJ said...let the chips fall where they may.

I truly wish you the best moving forward.

Cheers!

-SC-
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