Stand in your truth. Sometime a few harsh words up front can save a lot of pain down the line. Don't sugarcoat it.
LuckyJim
LJ, this is perfection. SufferingMama...LJ is 100% right on this. Confrontation is necessary and something that shouldn't be shied away from. Face it and embrace it. Do not live in fear. You control your life so don't let fear play a part and have any control over you. On a personal level...with the kids this would be something I would not hesitate to pull the plug on. I have been helping a friend of mine going through divorce with his soon to be ex wife who is undiagnosed. There is a parallel here. So as I said to him...you place the value of being a parent at the top of the mountain right? Well then be the super parent and limit the toxicity by making yourself happier. You cannot control the other party, but if you can find the fortitude to stand up and pull the plug and choose YOU and your kids it will be for the better. Your kids will be happier when they can see you at your best. Your kids are probably not just feeling the vigilance because of him, but they are also probably feeling the weight of your emotions as well. Kids are highly attuned to those things...we as adults tend to forget this.
As for asking him to move out...I'll stop you right there and instead say change the mind set to you are going to tell him you are done and he needs to go. You are not responsible for him. You also cannot worry about the fallout. Even under the best circumstances a situation like this isn't easy. There is no minimizing it. Rip the band-aid off and as LJ said...let the chips fall where they may.
I truly wish you the best moving forward.
Cheers!
-SC-