Staring at the crossroads. Close to ending the marriage

[IfNotForYou]

. I’m totally running on fumes anymore. I need to get off this roller coaster ride. My wife is undiagnosed BPD. A few days ago she had an issue with something I did. (Nothing new here) She told me with the biggest attitude and the most condescending tone. This is a total trigger for me. I’ve said a million times I will listen and work on myself only if you can talk to me respectfully and calmly. She CANNOT. I walked away. I said nothing to perpetuate. I thought she may calm down and apologize. Never happened. Its now a week later. Mostly silence all week or yelling. Last night I hit a breaking point. She came home from work... as I tried to just mind my business she kept taunting and prodding. I refuse to take the bait anymore. I said multiple times DO NOT talk at me or insult me. This is not how to communicate. She finally erupted and called me every name in the book. Told me I am a joke and I’ve wasted her life. Can’t wait for me to leave so she can be happy and sane. This is a total mindfu_k anymore for me. I can barely keep myself together on a given day. I have zero home security or security in my marriage. I’ve been called plenty by her before but something about last night finally hit me hard. I’d had enough. I don’t accept this behavior from anyone else in my life so why of all people should I continue to allow my wife to verbally and mentally assault me? I asked her tonight to recognize all the hurtful things she said and please apologize. I won’t tolerate it anymore. If she can’t do that than I won’t be able to continue down this road with her anymore. That basically seemed to make her angrier and she basically laughed at me. That’s my boundary tho! I’ve had enough...I’m at the point of deep resentment and anger. should I constantly spend my waking moments (in an already drained existence) doing research on her condition, and how I’m supposed to learn how to “tolerate “ these actions? Why? Why do any of you want to do it? Put your already used up energy into understanding them? At one point I wanted to try. I wanted to learn. To be there for my wife. Now I don’t think I do! I’m constantly wrong and I feel like I’m in a relationship with a toddler who throws tantrums every time something doesn’t go her way. Is this love? Sure doesn’t feel like it anymore to me.

I was open to counseling but even the thought of that is daunting. We did counseling twice and it only lasted so long before we basically gave up. I feel like she needs specialty counseling with someone who specifically knows not to get played by BPD or manipulation. She doesn’t even know what BPD is...nor would she admit she has it. Not only that but this is barely the tip of the iceberg with her. Even if she is willing to work on herself which it seems she’s not, this could be months to years of more mental torture for me staying in this relationship. I honestly don’t think I have it in me anymore. I’m incredibly sad for her and us. But I can’t fix her! She needs to fix herself and want to work on herself and see that she brings soo much hostility into our relationship. It’s destroying us. I don’t want to leave her but I’ve been trying this for years. Especially this last year. It hasn’t improved even the slightest..I don’t think I have more months left in me. At the point that I just want to take care of myself and my own sanity. If that’s selfish so be it. I don’t think it is. It’s getting way past toxic for me.

I know if this really happens and we split, I’ll be devastated and hurt. I saw this marriage as forever. I saw myself growing old with her. Now I just wonder if I ever really knew the true person I married. If I just got bamboozled.. I hate what BPD does to relationships...

I do not mean to come off cold towards anyone who suffers from this. I understand it’s even harder to live with it and that she is struggling hard with herself... but I’m feeling so drained anymore and the sheer lack of her ever taking any accountability has broken me.

I need to figure out if it’s time to move on. Any advice is appreciated. I love her deeply. I still care for her immensely but she’s slowly destroying me. I need self preservation asap..

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

IfNotForYou, I know well the point which you have reached. Spouses and partners of pwBPD tend to suffer from PTSD, it is an overreaction of the amygdala to the constant stress of waiting for a rage, experiencing a rage, and recovering from one. It wears your body and soul down. Most def you need a vacation, you would be surprised how much good some rest and respite from constant triggering does for the soul.
I think, in a way though, you have reached a constructive point. Your marital issues have been going on for a long time. It is not surprising that you are exhausted. Honour your tiredness. It is good that you are in touch with your feelings and respect them. Has anything recently happened for you that is causing this sea change within you?

I well remember from my first marriage my disappointment when I realized that positive changes in me were not necessarily welcomed by my spouse. She had gotten used to a certain level of dysfunction and had in some ways enjoyed my co-dependency. It did not stop me from changing but certainly caused a good deal of heartbreak.  
You are on the right track. Don't give anyone the power of you to stop you from changing and growing. What are you doing for self-care lately? Have you thought of going to see a therapist to get support for yourself?
It is great that you have set a boundary. You have said "speak to me with respect". I think even just the setting of a boundary is great for your self-respect. Now just to police it, it will take time for her to come to terms with the fact that you have changed. We have a saying in my country: "if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, travel together." I guess what I am saying is that you do not have to think black and white like pwBPD do. There is plenty of gray in between. This is not so much about staying or leaving as about you growing and changing, coming to love yourself and understanding that you deserve respect. In a good marriage there needs to be room for change and growth, that would happen anyway, BPD or not. I do think it is important to be sure that you have worked the tools, you would want to know you have done everything in your power to make the marriage work.  
It will help if you prepare a program for policing. we are here for you if you want to come up with suggestions.  And in the meantime to do what you can to reduce conflict. High levels of conflict are not good for either of you, and that should be a cause for concern.  You sound familiar with the tools, do you want to talk more about which ones you have tried and which, if any, showed signs of working?
 
 

[IfNotForYou]

Wow. Thank you so much for your feedback. It sounds very insightful and comforting. I needed to hear something like this right now and appreciate you taking the time to respond. It can be a very lonely and confusing place when something like this takes over your life. It’s not easily explained or understood by those who don’t see it or are not affected by it.

I will definitely elaborate sometime soon. I say this cause it’s late where I am at and I think I will take your advice...about self care. I need sleep and to turn off my brain. My wife has decided to stay at a friends tonight and without sounding like a jerk, this is exactly what I needed as well. A night by myself without her tension. I’ll get back to your question sometime in the near future. Thanks again. Your words mean more than you probably realize

[IfNotForYou]

Hey thanks again khibomis..  I’m currently stuck. I’ve almost completely shut down with my W and withdrawn. I last gave an ultimatum. I basically said that I will NOT tolerate being talked to and put down and insulted. I am not demanding an apology but I NEED one before I am even able to move forward. I do NOT think In any way this is an unreasonable request. I’m asking my wife to actually acknowledge how completely out of line her insults where towards me. I should be able to say to my wife, you really hurt me and intentionally said very harmful things that are untrue and that nobody else says to me. I don’t insult you. Don’t do it to me.

Is this really unreasonable of me to ask?

I’ve get nothing amd I don’t expect an apology to come. This may be my final breaking point. I can’t keep pushing all my basic relationship needs aside cause she can’t comprehend a very simple concept. This is marriage 101 stuff isn’t it?

I’m in purgatory. This whole relationship is a waiting game. Life is on hold. I can’t keep up this pace. I need her to compromise  in someway or it’s just not worth it to me anymore. That kills me to say but I really don’t know if I see this getting better. I’m so resentful now that I don’t care to find us a counselor. My W definitely won’t do it in her own either.

I have waves of hope at times..but when I sit here at night in my own home, typing this in a separate bed from her, wondering why this is always so incredibly difficult...I just want to throw in the towel. Start over. I don’t even want to be with anyone. I just want to be alone and process this past ten years of my life

Maybe I’ll feel better come morning. I’m trying to take your advice and focus on myself but the constant stagnation is killing me. I really don’t know what to do. I’m a strong person mentally  and I’d never harm myself. That’s not even an issue.. I just really don’t know what to do from here. I wish I could wave a magic wand and just get back the person I fell in love with..I’m just beginning to feel I never really knew that person.

...I don’t think I answered any of your questions. Sorry. More or less I’m just venting at this point. Thanks

[IfNotForYou]

I am interested in this policing concept you mentioned. Can you explain? You also asked what has changed in me..I’m reading the book walking on eggshells amd I’ve also hit a point of seeing that I should not be so blatantly disrespected by my W just cause she is upset..

[once removed]

Is this really unreasonable of me to ask?

not at all. but it might be unrealistic.

i have a mother who can be critical at times. its a huge trigger for me. ive tried everything. ive really let her have it. shes tried, on and off, but she still does it. shes 65, and she almost certainly always will.

its not unreasonable at all to tell someone what is and what isnt acceptable. its a critical part of the real concept of boundaries, to communicate.

but theres a belief we refer to on the Detaching board, about saying it louder in the hope that we will be heard.

communicating it 4 or 5 times, and/or digging in when things are especially heated, is largely wasted energy. with anyone. i remember the time i was furious with my mother and saying "i really dont need you to tell me that" and she responded "someone has to". it doesnt get any more condescending.

accepting someone as who they are is really key to these relationships, whether its remaining in them, trying to improve them, or committing to end them. your wife really crosses your lines, and then she crosses them again and again.

more than likely, theres a lot of value to improving your method, and not just that, but understanding why she does what she does. people with bpd traits tend to taunt, tend to up the ante, tend to escalate conflict, for a variety of reasons. like a lot of us, they tend to have an above average need to be heard, and they often employ less than constructive methods. knowing that can take some of the sting and frustration out. and at the same time, "i wont accept that" is a valid option.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and just get back the person I fell in love with..I’m just beginning to feel I never really knew that person.

your relationship will never be that. no relationship will. but in every relationship, people tend to put their best foot forward, and thats even more the case with someone with bpd traits. the honeymoon is not coming back. your relationship is at make or break time.

[khibomsis]

IfNotForYou, I feel for you and what you are going through.  Indeed it is lonely lying in a separate bed, brooding about the past and wondering what the future holds. Many of us have hit what seems like the point of no return. But this is the bettering board. Here you will get advice on what will improve the relationship.

The positive part about where you are is that there is nowhere to go but up. You are physically and mentally exhausted. It may be lonely where you are but it is peaceful. Grab this time for yourself, to do the processing you need to do, and strengthen yourself for what is to come.

Indeed you are changing, and that is in part what is stressing your wife. Stop Walking on Eggshells is changing the way you view things, and that is causing you to act differently. In the long run, you will feel better for it. The short run is where you need to pace yourself.
We can, and should, discuss the wisdom of the boundary you have set, nonetheless, you have set this boundary. Policing means that you need to make sure it gets respected, for now. People, not just pwBPD, tend to test the boundary to see if you really mean it. Especially if you have a history of not setting/not enforcing boundaries. So you really meant what you said. Policing could mean just walking away every time she does the thing you told her not to do. You could repeat your boundary and then walk away. Staying and defending it will often escalate the dysregulations, so you could say something like: "I need to take a walk now to calm down, but I will be back at such a time and then we can talk more". In a calm moment you could try to talk through how you feel, without invalidating her feelings. All these actions have the effect of reminding her that you have set a boundary and that you are prepared to enforce it. It sends the message that you are serious. It will take lots of emotional energy, and yes, you must expect to sleep alone while this happens. Boundaries don't make you popular but they can bring about respect.
Here is a very helpful place to start: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries. Do let us know what of it resonates with you at this time?
What inspired me also was listening to Henry Cloud's audiobook "Boundaries".  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5WLwZytjzA&list=PLlAjqRM-fsa3vuGroXH3r8EFO8TyoIK40
Keep posting and sharing! You are not alone. We are here for you.