More rage

[maxsterling]

This morning, more rage from W.  There were "triggers", but my feeling this was just part of a larger dysregulation that really didn't need a trigger - she would have found one.  This morning, the trigger seemed to be S4 not wanting to get dressed, this after W yelled at him.  Of course, the blame is on me for not being able to get S4 to calm and get dressed.

W raged and insisted I leave.  Yet she tried to physically block me from getting the clothes I needed to get dressed.  Then I sat back down with the kids because I was not going to leave unless I was sure W could calm herself.  Kids asked me to not leave them alone.  W came back out of the bedroom, started yelling/cursing again.  S4 began to cry again.  W then began to waive one of the kids' pointy playdoh toys in my face.  I grabbed her arm and took the toy.  W said she hurt herself banging her head into the wall and needed medical attention.  I pulled out my phone and said I would call an ambulance.  W then recanted, calmed slightly, demanded again that I leave.  I told her I would not leave without the kids unless she calmed.  I got the kids shoes on preparing to take them out.  W blocked my way out.

I then talked to the kids, asked if they were okay.  They went to go play something on their own.  I told the kids, and then W, that I was going to step outside for about 15 minutes and be back.  I took a short walk around the block and came back.  W had the kids in the bedroom with the door closed.  I asked if everyone was okay, they said yes, and then W demanded I leave again.  At that point, I decided to work from the office today and left.  I need to take care of myself.  Other than the emotional abuse from this morning, I am 95% confident the kids will be okay there without me. 

I am not sure what I did right or wrong here, but thankful right now to have a little space.  I know there was no way I could have diffused this rage.  This was so primed and volatile that it did not need a match to ignite.  I think puling out my phone when she said she needed medical attention was smart.  Taking the playdoh toy from her hand was instinct.  Leaving the kids with her today was hard and I hope to not regret that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Do you feel the relationship is sustainable? The kids have asked you not to leave them alone with her. And they’re four?

[maxsterling]

No.  The relationship is not sustainable.  I am to the point where if it ended, it would be sad, but I know once things get sorted out I would feel better in the long run.  Until recently, that few months of "sorting things out" felt more daunting than trying to work on things.  Right now having space to breathe could feel like a breath of fresh air and confidence.  But my physical and mental health is greatly suffering.  If W were not seeking help, I would have left a long time ago.  But that she is seeking help has kept me hopeful.  She is seeking some other treatment soon, but I think this is a last-ditch effort.

As for the kids - the didn't specifically say to not leave them alone with her.  W was in the bedroom raging and they were in the kitchen.  They asked me to not leave them alone, so I sat with them in the kitchen.  Now I am home from work, W is at an appointment, and kids are asking for plenty of hugs and cuddles. 

[formflier]

 

My guess is their "ask" was bigger than you realize.  They have seen this before...

Why not call 911 and ask for police and ambulance?  Follow that up with social services report.

Did you get this on video?

Please don't "hear" me being critical?  I did eventually call  social services on my wife, looking back I wish I had intervened much stronger..much earlier.

So..I've been there...total empathy.

 


Best,

FF

[maxsterling]

My guess is their "ask" was bigger than you realize.  They have seen this before...

Indeed.  And its clear they are developing their own "coping" mechanisms. 

Did you get this on video?

Audio.  I have no means of recording video at the moment.

I did eventually call  social services on my wife, looking back I wish I had intervened much stronger..much earlier.

What was the outcome for you?  Did things get worse?  Better in the long run?  Was your wife diagnosed/seeking treatment before this?  The main reason I have not pursued this is because I fear that the social services where I live will be less than the services W already seeks on her own. If W was undiagnosed or not seeking treatment, such a move on my part could "force" her into services.  But as it is, she has already sought out anger management, DBT, and substance abuse counseling.  Most of the other patients of those services are court-ordered.  But I appreciate any advice/stories you are willing to share here - as this is an option that may be inevitable.

I also don't think her being forced into an in-patient facility or jail will be any kind of "wake up call".  She already has faced plenty of consequences for her behaviors over her life, yet the behaviors don't change.  She once described herself as someone who shoots herself in the foot, and to solve that problem shoots her other foot.   

My feeling is that my options here are to either hope that the services and treatments she is seeking help her or file for divorce and as much custody of the kids as the court will allow.  Given the situation from this morning, I don't think any amount of "communication tools" on my end will amount to much, although any wisdom on this front is appreciated.  "Self care" at this point is basically a coping mechanism.  It felt good to be in the office all day - I am lucky I was not bombarded with text messages. 

I will say that was a positive - normally she would still be raging for days.  Tonight she is down and angry, but not raging.  Perhaps it is medication.  Perhaps it is that she went to T tonight.  So maybe me going to work and letting her deal with her own stuff on her own was a positive thing.

[maxsterling]

W spend the morning at dentist and doctor while I watched kids.  After she came home, she was still mad, nitpicking me for this or that that didn't get done.  Then she said that I treated her "horribly" yesterday, and that I was "cruel" and "sadistic" and that she will not forgive me.  ?  Then she asked if I noticed the bump on her head (a big knot).   She's mad because I stepped over her while she was on the floor raging to go to the bedroom to get my pants on.  She says I am "toxic" to her right now.  Again ?.   Her next point was about how this was a PTSD episode resulting from being severely beaten as a child, and that she had no control over herself and I did nothing to help her.  Yikes.  What a mindF---.  She remarked at this being the reason she is going to do expensive and experimental treatment (Ketamine infusion and and TDS).

My feeling is that a PTSD episode is no excuse for verbally abusing another and if that happens, I would expect W to apologize later and explain, rather than blame shift.  But as it is my mind is spinning...

[formflier]

 
Hopefully you can discuss in MC.  I'll get back to your other questions soon.

Also for MC.

When she is upset...and asking you to leave, why not "flip it" to "i'm upset and going to go take  walk and do self care"...vice trying to control and rage at others.


Best,

FF

[maxsterling]

I've tried to say that I need space, feel upset, need to calm down -

I get accused of being selfish/dismissive and not caring about her needs, and the "don't leave me alone" panic sets in and the rage gets worse.  Best I can do is say that and just leave, or just say nothing and just leave.

[formflier]

When is your next MC?  Seems like a good thing to discuss.

I mean, we all know that taking a "time out" is a critical thing.  Might as well find out if this MC and she will be able to work on this.

Best,

FF