Watching her destroying herself is awful

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I’ve written the short version of my story out before about what recently happened with my BPDexGF.

A few weeks back she ended the relationship after 2.5yrs and got with another guy within 24 hours and I found them in bed together. He was already lined up. We were vaguely together I should say so it’s wasn’t as huge a shock as it would have been otherwise. We had been trying to break up for quite some time usually initiated by me due to her drinking.

Anyhow, since then I’ve asked her to stay NC but every couple of days she checks in on me. Asked to see me but I refused for last week or so until yesterday, I thought let’s just close this thing off once and for all so I picked her up for a coffee. 6 hours later I finally dropped her back home, we talked a lot !

She told me that the new bloke has practically moved in, he’s an ex drug dealer. She sits each day and night getting drunk playing all of our songs and all of my music looking at our photos and watching our videos over and over all while he’s there which is obviously messing him up. Although, I would say she told him she still loves me when they got together so it’s his own fault if he wants to get involved in that. She can’t do anything with him like go for walks or anything and just needs to get drunk if he’s there. She apologised for dragging me down etc and we had a good chat about my issues which caused me to distance myself from her.

Anyhow, she asked about the future and if there would ever be a chance for us, I said if you get the help you need, stop drinking and it doesn’t work out with this guy then we can talk but other than that I can’t make you any promises and I’m moving forward with my life. She told me she has been in some awful drunken states, going to the shop in her PJs inside out and falling all over to get more drink. She’s now down to one day per week with her children and even then not usually having them. She feels terrible for what she’s doing to this guy as it’s messing him up. I told her you haven’t grieved the end of our relationship. She agreed and said she was going to have a week alone with no drinking but it would be difficult as he will need to get his stuff. I said you need to do it for you not anyone else to give your self some headspace and I’m sure he won’t be going anywhere in a week anyhow. I explained that no one else can fix her, only hold her hand while she finds the help she needs.

So fast forward to 4am this morning and I get woken up with my phone ringing, I was half asleep and answered, he took her phone and called me to tell me he’s going to kill me and wants to fight me and to stay away from his women (it’s been 2 weeks). I just hung up and at first I thought I was dreaming, then looked at my phone and called back about 20 minutes later. He answered and started again, this time she took the phone from him and hadn’t realised he’d called me and they started arguing, him saying he’s going to fight me etc and saying all kinds about me, her telling him not to speak about me that way. She apologised, I told her it doesn’t sound safe and should I call someone for her, she said no that it would be OK, I agreed not to and asked her to let me know she is OK tomorrow. Well it’s now midday and I haven’t heard anything. This guy sounds like a real bad guy and I’m worried, but I also don’t want to get involved with all that drama. Apparently she’s had messages from women warning her about him and his family!

The thing is I’m just watching her destroy herself, she’s been told if she doesn’t stop drinking she won’t last long due to her mother drinking while she was pregnant she has brain damage, I was there at the original scan and consultation. She’s lost her kids, not turning up for work, this crazy bloke hanging around. When we met she was a marathon runner, doted on her kids and had them 4 days per week, although she did struggle. Worked 2 days a week in the care profession and was trying to increase her hours. Ate well and while she did drink a lot it was nothing like this now.

I’m a full time single Dad and I’m currently on short term sick leave due to all the stress, these 2 weeks were supposed to be my time out to rest and move forward. Now I’m sitting here as anxious as ever! I know I should have just blocked her number but I know how she can get sometimes and thought if she’s in a bad way then at least I can help in some way. While we are no longer together we were for 2.5 years and she is a human being who I love, I care about her and her children. I am just totally lost again!

[ljwin]

I’ve written the short version of my story out before about what recently happened with my BPDexGF.

A few weeks back she ended the relationship after 2.5yrs and got with another guy within 24 hours and I found them in bed together. He was already lined up. We were vaguely together I should say so it’s wasn’t as huge a shock as it would have been otherwise. We had been trying to break up for quite some time usually initiated by me due to her drinking.

Anyhow, since then I’ve asked her to stay NC but every couple of days she checks in on me. Asked to see me but I refused for last week or so until yesterday, I thought let’s just close this thing off once and for all so I picked her up for a coffee. 6 hours later I finally dropped her back home, we talked a lot !

She told me that the new bloke has practically moved in, he’s an ex drug dealer. She sits each day and night getting drunk playing all of our songs and all of my music looking at our photos and watching our videos over and over all while he’s there which is obviously messing him up. Although, I would say she told him she still loves me when they got together so it’s his own fault if he wants to get involved in that. She can’t do anything with him like go for walks or anything and just needs to get drunk if he’s there. She apologised for dragging me down etc and we had a good chat about my issues which caused me to distance myself from her.

Anyhow, she asked about the future and if there would ever be a chance for us, I said if you get the help you need, stop drinking and it doesn’t work out with this guy then we can talk but other than that I can’t make you any promises and I’m moving forward with my life. She told me she has been in some awful drunken states, going to the shop in her PJs inside out and falling all over to get more drink. She’s now down to one day per week with her children and even then not usually having them. She feels terrible for what she’s doing to this guy as it’s messing him up. I told her you haven’t grieved the end of our relationship. She agreed and said she was going to have a week alone with no drinking but it would be difficult as he will need to get his stuff. I said you need to do it for you not anyone else to give your self some headspace and I’m sure he won’t be going anywhere in a week anyhow. I explained that no one else can fix her, only hold her hand while she finds the help she needs.

So fast forward to 4am this morning and I get woken up with my phone ringing, I was half asleep and answered, he took her phone and called me to tell me he’s going to kill me and wants to fight me and to stay away from his women (it’s been 2 weeks). I just hung up and at first I thought I was dreaming, then looked at my phone and called back about 20 minutes later. He answered and started again, this time she took the phone from him and hadn’t realised he’d called me and they started arguing, him saying he’s going to fight me etc and saying all kinds about me, her telling him not to speak about me that way. She apologised, I told her it doesn’t sound safe and should I call someone for her, she said no that it would be OK, I agreed not to and asked her to let me know she is OK tomorrow. Well it’s now midday and I haven’t heard anything. This guy sounds like a real bad guy and I’m worried, but I also don’t want to get involved with all that drama. Apparently she’s had messages from women warning her about him and his family!

The thing is I’m just watching her destroy herself, she’s been told if she doesn’t stop drinking she won’t last long due to her mother drinking while she was pregnant she has brain damage, I was there at the original scan and consultation. She’s lost her kids, not turning up for work, this crazy bloke hanging around. When we met she was a marathon runner, doted on her kids and had them 4 days per week, although she did struggle. Worked 2 days a week in the care profession and was trying to increase her hours. Ate well and while she did drink a lot it was nothing like this now.

I’m a full time single Dad and I’m currently on short term sick leave due to all the stress, these 2 weeks were supposed to be my time out to rest and move forward. Now I’m sitting here as anxious as ever! I know I should have just blocked her number but I know how she can get sometimes and thought if she’s in a bad way then at least I can help in some way. While we are no longer together we were for 2.5 years and she is a human being who I love, I care about her and her children. I am just totally lost again!

[CallmeDoubleU]

I am in the same boat as you... had a 3.5 year relationship and i have a 2 year old son with her.. she broke up with me after 1 month she had a new relationship... didnt work out because he was acting schizophrenic.. then she came back to me.. saw her whole month of january then she just told me 2 weeks ago she loved me and want to work things out... now she is with another guy since last week.. this guy is a ex prisoner and a (ex?) drugdealer aswell its crazy how these woman just need attention if they cant have what they want..

[ljwin]

Wow I feel for you man! I’ve spoken to her XH a few times and I really feel for him, this is his worst nightmare come true although he doesn’t know yet that he’s a drug dealer or ex drug dealer or whatever. He said he could always rest easy knowing that she was with me as I’m a decent guy. I haven’t the heart to tell him and it’s no longer my place anyway.

Unless I say OK we’re back together she just won’t help herself and I’m not prepared to do that without her committing to therapy and AA and even then it would be that we could talk, not a given that we would be together again.

[CallmeDoubleU]

Wow I feel for you man! I’ve spoken to her XH a few times and I really feel for him, this is his worst nightmare come true although he doesn’t know yet that he’s a drug dealer or ex drug dealer or whatever. He said he could always rest easy knowing that she was with me as I’m a decent guy. I haven’t the heart to tell him and it’s no longer my place anyway.

Unless I say OK we’re back together she just won’t help herself and I’m not prepared to do that without her committing to therapy and AA and even then it would be that we could talk, not a given that we would be together again.

To be honest i would not even tell the new guy how she is and what she is dealing with.. because they will all find out sooner or later... same with my ex and her new partner.. im just gonna let it be.. im just gonna live my life and try to get my things back in order and meanwhile i do still feel like i am waiting for the moment... but i will just let her mess up her new relationship because it will happen.. and most men wont stick around that long the moment the borderline is speaking.. so im sure her new relationship will end..

Ofcourse she is in her dating/honeymoon period atm and there wont be any problems... but as soon as it will start.. i know she will contact me again.. and this time im gonna think about ME for a change and see what i really want when that happens.

How long are you in NC/LC for atm?

[ljwin]

To be honest i would not even tell the new guy how she is and what she is dealing with.. because they will all find out sooner or later... same with my ex and her new partner.. im just gonna let it be.. im just gonna live my life and try to get my things back in order and meanwhile i do still feel like i am waiting for the moment... but i will just let her mess up her new relationship because it will happen.. and most men wont stick around that long the moment the borderline is speaking.. so im sure her new relationship will end..

Ofcourse she is in her dating/honeymoon period atm and there wont be any problems... but as soon as it will start.. i know she will contact me again.. and this time im gonna think about ME for a change and see what i really want when that happens.

How long are you in NC/LC for atm?

In my case I don’t need to tell him anything as he’s seen it all on the first night they spent together, she was screaming she still loved me and smashed the house up and attacked him. There doesn’t seem to be a honeymoon period as she’s never stopped contacting me and sits listening to our songs and looking at our pictures when he’s there. I wouldn’t stick around if that was happening! The next weekend the same again, house smashed up. I only know because her XH told me.

I think you’re doing the right thing, that’s basically where I’m at now. I need to start moving forward and put myself first and leave her to it. I refuse so far to ask her to come back or say yes when she asks. If she decides she wants to try then she has to drop him and get back in to therapy and AA and that’s the only way.

I’ve been trying to go NC for two weeks and the most I’ve managed is I think 48 hours and then she just kept messaging asking if I’m ok. Yesterday was supposed to be to put it to bed but never happened.

[CallmeDoubleU]

In my case I don’t need to tell him anything as he’s seen it all on the first night they spent together, she was screaming she still loved me and smashed the house up and attacked him. There doesn’t seem to be a honeymoon period as she’s never stopped contacting me and sits listening to our songs and looking at our pictures when he’s there. I wouldn’t stick around if that was happening! The next weekend the same again, house smashed up. I only know because her XH told me.

I think you’re doing the right thing, that’s basically where I’m at now. I need to start moving forward and put myself first and leave her to it. I refuse so far to ask her to come back or say yes when she asks. If she decides she wants to try then she has to drop him and get back in to therapy and AA and that’s the only way.

I’ve been trying to go NC for two weeks and the most I’ve managed is I think 48 hours and then she just kept messaging asking if I’m ok. Yesterday was supposed to be to put it to bed but never happened.

Ah yeah.. i totally understand from your point of view!

For me how ever everytime my ex is with some one else she will totally blank me out.. she blocks me everywhere and i wont hear from her at all... until she breaks up... then i will hear from her again.. its just a circle that keeps on going... i really dont understand why my ex is still trying new relationships when she really told me she loved me and wanted me back 2 weeks ago... its just weird.. she can get so attached to a new person so quickly its crazy...

[ljwin]

Ah yeah.. i totally understand from your point of view!

For me how ever everytime my ex is with some one else she will totally blank me out.. she blocks me everywhere and i wont hear from her at all... until she breaks up... then i will hear from her again.. its just a circle that keeps on going... i really dont understand why my ex is still trying new relationships when she really told me she loved me and wanted me back 2 weeks ago... its just weird.. she can get so attached to a new person so quickly its crazy...

This is the hard part for me, I read so many stories of BPD girlfriends who block out their SO and won’t contact them or reply and time is spent trying to win them back but for me it’s completely different, I’ve left her many times over the last 2.5 years and she begs and begs and I always take her back. Anyone would think it’s me who has BPD, but all I’ve ever wanted was for her to stop drinking! I can manage the jealousy and the weird gaslighting tricks but I cannot put my children through seeing her call me all the worst names when she’s drunk and turns in to this totally different person almost like a zombie. I could call her now and tell her to get a taxi over here and she would do it. But what I want is for her to realise that there is work to do to have a relationship with each other. She has never been with anyone else the entire 2.5 years until now and she’s still not happy. I left her in April last year for two months and wouldn’t entertain the idea of getting back together, even friends with benefits I was just totally done. After two months she started dating a guy, two dates she never slept with him as she felt she couldn’t as it would be the end of us  and I changed my mind as I thought she was doing really well. She was back here straight away but her behaviour still hadn’t changed, drinking until she passes out after a couple of weeks of doing really well. She asked me just yesterday could we get back together but she seems too immature to do the work needed. Therapy and AA or an alternative. Our relationship was so easy when we were actually physically together, but when we were apart she had separation anxiety and it affected her really badly. It’s almost like teenage love in a way really accept I’m 38 and she’s 35. I was married for 17 years and know what a proper relationship should be like.

[ljwin]

She ended up getting in touch yesterday and then started sending videos of our old songs late at night. Still find it so bizarre that she’s doing that while the new guy is sitting there.

[tvda]

Bizarre, yes. But BPDs can feel two 'mutually exclusive' emotions at the same time.

[Shaken54]

With mine its been a rollercoaster ride, petty things setting her off then the blocking and silent treatment.
I told her a long time ago, if you think your going to leave me go off and be with someone else dont bother trying to come back to me its not happening. I will not play second fiddle, if she thinks she can go sleep with another guy then come back NO WAY NO HOW.
You dont spend 3.5 years together and play that game.

I have been NC for a few weeks I thought she might have reached out by now but she hasn't, so as far as I am concerned she has been with someone else and I am done. She may reach out in the future but I will just remind her of what I said above. Choices have consequences she can live with hers.

[ljwin]

I had something similar with my XW. She turned up outside sitting in her car about 3 years ago. She was crying and said my life is terrible, I have no money, no friends, the children hate me. I said well that’s the consequence of having an affair. She got mad and left I’m not sure we’ve really spoken since except in court. She’s now had a baby with the bloke she had the affair with, his 5th across 3 different women. Sometimes people make their own Karma! I couldn’t imagine being in the middle of all that, I love the saying ‘ not my circus, not my monkeys’ always reminds me to stop thinking about stuff should I begin to think about it.

[forevermagenta]

This sounds like a really painful situation, but your priority needs to be keeping your kid safe and keeping yourself regulated for your child’s sake, at least. It sounds really stressful - you’re on stress leave- but I’m sure your kid also finds this incredibly stressful seeing you go through this.

It sounds like a messy, complicated situation withbthe heavy drinking and alcoholism on top of BPD. There is no saving her. If you think she is in imminent danger, call the police or seek outside help (women’s shelter, etc), but otherwise - the healthiest thing you can do is start letting go - as you mentioned.

No contact is up to you- as far as I understand the concept. You need to become inaccessible - especially if you don’t have the willpower not to respond. Block her number, her email, all the avenues that you are accessible if you are serious about this route. You have no control over her attempts to contact you, but you do have control over how accessible you are. I did this with my ex. I have been no contact for two months and I know if I remained available, I would really struggle not to respond in my weak  moments as well.

[ljwin]

This sounds like a really painful situation, but your priority needs to be keeping your kid safe and keeping yourself regulated for your child’s sake, at least. It sounds really stressful - you’re on stress leave- but I’m sure your kid also finds this incredibly stressful seeing you go through this.

It sounds like a messy, complicated situation withbthe heavy drinking and alcoholism on top of BPD. There is no saving her. If you think she is in imminent danger, call the police or seek outside help (women’s shelter, etc), but otherwise - the healthiest thing you can do is start letting go - as you mentioned.

No contact is up to you- as far as I understand the concept. You need to become inaccessible - especially if you don’t have the willpower not to respond. Block her number, her email, all the avenues that you are accessible if you are serious about this route. You have no control over her attempts to contact you, but you do have control over how accessible you are. I did this with my ex. I have been no contact for two months and I know if I remained available, I would really struggle not to respond in my weak  moments as well.

I know now that it is an untenable situation. I certainly can’t save her I think she is too far gone now. Her only hope now I think would be to voluntarily section herself and go through rehab and in depth therapy. It worked for her a few years ago and she did well for a few years so I was told.

I kept one line of access to me on Whats App because I didn’t want her to turn up at my house, she told me last week that when I wasn’t replying she was going to get a taxi over, that and I didn’t want her to do something stupid. It’s time now though as you say to make myself less accessible.

I realise now that the anxiety I’ve felt for the entire relationship was my brain screaming at me to get away from her. The person I met is certainly not the person she is!