Hi BPD family, I wanted to write and not only thank but update you on what has happened since my initial post
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338953.msg13071223#msg13071223 back in August 2019.
Without the help and support I received from this site and the members I feel like I would not have survived.
Since posting and following some of the members experiences I was able to break free and move on from my BPDex.
To update you to where my last posts finished we were meant to go to Hawaii, with the prospect of me proposing, in July of 2019. She caused a huge fight 3 days before leaving as I voiced an issue I had with her sleeping in the same bed with other men without having a discussion with me before hand. I was a narcissist, a stonewaller, a controller, a gaslighter, etc ,etc...I ended up not going but she still did. Being in the cycle still, I rang her after she had been there for 3 days. The conversation went along the lines of, she had met someone already and was having an amazing time. I was free to go over but I shouldnt expect that she would spend any time with me as she had already made plans with this person to do activities already. She also told me she would be making all the decisions if we were to reconcile and I wold do what I was told. She had spent 60 of the last 90 days we were together away from home, which I also didnt like much either. In closing the phone call and telling her I would not be going over to meet her I told her I loved her and missed her. I asked if she wanted to tell me anything. The last two things she said in our conversation were 1) any time she chooses to spend with me should be considered a gift and the alternative was to be single and not see her at all 2) she really just wanted to be single.
Naturally she rang me 2 days later crying and apologising and wanting to get back together and move back in,,etc,etc. I agreed as well but upon posting and seeing my therapist we tried to make a plan to help me deal with the cycle I was in.
It took a lot of work professionally and personally but it was really worth it.
I took the time and space to create the distance I needed firstly by telling her she was right about everything, so straight away she was prepared to listen and I could hear a noticeable change in her tone as I had validated her. The fact she was overseas also helped. I told her the therapist I was seeing had suggested we have no contact for 12 weeks while I was seeking intensive therapy and that I would contact her when I was ready to chat. She said she thought it was the right thing to do and agreed.
Exactly 3 months to the day she called me. I wasnt ready and didnt take the call. It was so hard not to engage but because I had already created some space I was starting to come out of the fog. I felt a little clearer but was still wanting to engage. I had established a support network so spoke to my sister and best friend who calmed me enough to not engage.
She continued to call every month. I was able to continue no contact until I felt strong enough to speak with her and I had promised I would when I was ready.
She had called me at the nine month mark and I missed the call. I messaged her back and said I would call her in 20 minutes if she was available to talk. She was.
I said hello and my heart started to pound. It was like we were still together. She launched straight into I have missed you, it is so good to speak to you,etc. She was speaking in that loving tone and it was like we had spoken yesterday and nothing had happened for her. She apologised for a few things that she had done and said and my heart melted again but then it happened. As she always did she launched into a diatribe about what she had been doing. She had been doing all the things she wanted to in the tantra world and explained in explicit detail about her exploits from shortly after we broke up until a few days before she had last called. She spoke of relating it to a masters degree and was doing some neuro course while updating her massaging credentials while doing yoga classes and sleeping with men and women from all over the world of all ages and ethnic groups. She is super intelligent and spoke like she couldnt get it all out of her quickly enough. She spoke, about herself, for an hour non stop. She didnt once ask me about my life or my family or my relationship status. Although she did tell me how disappointed she was that I didnt contact her about my father dying and how rude that was, even though the last time they spoke she kicked him and my mother out of my house because my ill father made a derogatory remark about her career in wellbeing.
She proceeded to slowly run out of steam and then hit me with "I thought that I wanted a single life but what I really wanted was you and the safety and security of what we had and a monogamous relationship with you. I miss the sex and the intimacy. I miss your house and how you make me feel. Do you want me back? Lets get back together".
She asked directly if we can get back together 3 times in a row. She told me she would move in and be a housewife, she would occasionally teach yoga classes and we would have kids. We would have a simple life of, how did she say it, "a simple life of non entity'...She had the whole thing figured out and said she had felt it was the right thing for her even when we were apart but she had to follow her path to find out it wasnt what she wanted?
It took me a while to respond but having had the distance and the ability to see the cycle for what it was I was able to say very clearly for the first time to her...
"i have always given you some power over me where I didnt feel i had the ability to say no. I told you when we initially got together I do not want any part of that lifestyle. I can also tell you I do not want you back in my life. I told her she was the love of my life and that I will always be grateful for what we had but this was the last time we would ever speak and I wished her the best of luck with her life and career and knew she would be a success.
Her reply just confirmed my decision. She replied you have got to be kidding, so just because I went and did what I wanted and left you and you dont like it you wont get back with me. You havent changed a bit, you will never change, I cant believe you. I want us to get back together and you are just an awful person who cant accept me for me. I can do so much better than you I dont even know why I bothered with you.
The rage and anger was stronger than it was before and I could feel it in my chest again coming through the phone like it use to be when we lived together.
I was so happy with my strength as when I heard her voice, initially I was transported to the good times which were great times. I romanticised our whole relationship and still to this day have never felt the bond or love like that. The problem is it wasnt the truth, well not the whole truth.
I felt so strong internally for saying NO than I ever had and still said, and meant, I hope for nothing but the best for you and wish you well. I really have no ill feeling at all which has been very helpful as well.
We have not spoken since and I am grateful everyday for the support and guidance this site provided. The decisions and my story are my own. Not one person said leave or stay and given that safe space I felt so safe to know I wasnt alone and that people had been through more and worse and survived. I would not say to do what I have done and I still have work to do around the relationship but I can honestly say I am recovering. I am single but am far happier with my life now than I was 18 months ago. That is not to say I dont miss her at times but I do not miss the mental, physical and emotional turmoil that was my life then. When I reread my first post and some of the story I am almost embarrassed to see I needed to get some support on if it is ok for a partner to threaten suicide because I asked her to wash the dishes. Shows just how much work was required by me for me.
I would never tell anyone to stay or leave either but I hope in sharing my experience it will help someone else, just as the support and experience I received from members helped me make the right decision for me. Thanks so much BPDF.
Regards Bradio.
