Mother is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

[Daughter2]

I think my mom has BPD and her behavior is getting worse. She can be so sweet, caring and generous at times, but she can also be short-tempered, mean and abusive. When My older sister and I were children, our mother would hit us all the time. She beat us about once a week or so, up until we turned 18. Our dad never protected us from her. And she demeans him in front of other people, but he turns the other cheek. She still henpecks him. He never stands up to her. My sister and I always hoped our dad would divorce our mom so we wouldn’t have to live with her. She is highly sensitive and gets so angry at people. It seems so inappropriate. Lately she’s been bringing up politics to us and other people, insisting that she knows best, and she gets incensed if we don’t agree with her. When we were kids, our dad would go to work and our mom would get angry at us and hit us. She would corner us in our bedrooms and slap us while screaming at us, with a crazy look in her eyes. The next day she would act as though nothing happened. A couple of times the neighbors heard the screaming and called the police. I was always so embarrassed when the police would come over to see if we were ok. But then they’d leave and things never got better. My sister and I were good kids and didn’t deserve her
mistreatment. Now my sister and I are in our 50s. A couple years ago I said something to my mom about how she used to hit us. She said we deserved it. She has never expressed any remorse for what she did or continues to do. Now our dad is losing his vision due to macular degeneration. He cannot drive anymore, which means he is totally dependent on our mom. My sister said our dad is like a prisoner now. I think we were prisoners in our dysfunctional home when we were growing up. My sister’s husband would stand up to my mom when she would argue over the smallest things. She didn’t like him. Sadly, he just had a stroke and passed away, and the funeral is in two days. My sister and I are dreading the fact that our mother will be attending the wake because she will likely pick a fight with someone. One time she was falsely accused of shoplifting, and she attempted suicide by hanging. Our dad was on a business trip, and our mom drank a lot of alcohol and then hung a noose in the garage rafters. She ended up calling suicide prevention and the police came to our house and took her to the hospital. My sister and I were away at college at the time, but the police were able to contact my sister about what happened. We all rushed to the hospital and brought mom home after a couple days. She was in therapy but not for long. We never talked about it again. Mom has continued to drink alcohol on a daily basis,  a glass of wine every evening. When my sister and I were teenagers, she hit us a lot when she was drinking, She also told me numerous times that she never wanted children. That always struck me as such a cruel thing to say to a child. Yet she can turn around and be sweet as pie. That’s why my sister and I always referred to her as Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. A few days ago, after our mom’s latest angry episode, I decided to google “Jekyll and Hyde personality” and found this site Re) Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything I’ve read sounds like my mom. I told my sister about it but I don’t know if I should tell my dad. He’d probably deny it. I can’t imagine what it will be like if my mom outlives my dad. She doesn’t seem capable of maintaining friendships with people. Even our relatives have said things to me about my mom, such as “it’s her way or no way.” She’s beyond difficult. She’s a bully and has no remorse. Then she turns around and does something nice, like feed the homeless. I thought things would get better after I grew up, but her short temper has grown even shorter. I wish I could avoid her but I want to maintain a relationship with my dad, and he’s totally dependent on her. I went to visit them a couple days ago and my mom was putting my dad down—she said he interrupted her and she said sarcastically, “can I finish my sentence for once in my life?” It was so inappropriate and plain mean. He turned a deaf ear. At that point, I said it was time for me to go. I left and felt depressed for several hours afterwards. The family dynamic is miserable and isn’t going to change. I wish there was something that I could do to make things better.

[Sunflower45]

Daughter2, my heart goes out to you. It is really powerful and important that you already recognize that you and your sister never deserved your mother’s treatment and that the family dynamics won’t change.

As for what you can do - all you can really do is to protect yourself as best you can through boundaries and focus on your own healing. I found the book Surviving a Borderline Parent to be really helpful early in my own journey. I’m new to this community, but I can already see that it also offers a lot of support and resources.

[Notwendy]

I don’t know if I should tell my dad. He’d probably deny it.


My best advice to you, from my own experience, is to not discuss your mother with your father. He's lived with her for decades. He likely will deny it. Please read about the Karpman triangle. I wish I had. I did speak up about it, and it impacted my relationship with my father. I don't suggest you let your parents walk all over you in order to appease her, but trying to discuss your mother with your father is probably not going to help the situation.



I can’t imagine what it will be like if my mom outlives my dad. She doesn’t seem capable of maintaining friendships with people.

My father is deceased. I am very grateful he planned well for my BPD mother's care. She is elderly and is able to have assistance at home. She engages with similar drama with her home health care workers, and they don't stay working for her long. However, she has been able to get assistance and I am grateful for that. As to friendships, my mother sort of reinvents herself with new friends but she does have some who are quite loyal and supportive to her. One thing I realized is that she gets along and gets her needs met much better than I feared. She can be sweet and charming when she wants to be.


It was really tough to see how my mother treated my father in his elder years. I did try to intervene. As I mentioned before, this was getting on the Karpman triangle and the result was my father got angry at me. While I once saw my mother as the problem and my father as her victim, I learned that his compliance with her played a part in the dynamics between them.  It took a while to see the balance between them, the dynamics that involved both of them, and this bond between them was strong, even if it didn't make sense to me.

Your task is to learn about the family dynamics and how BPD impacts them, relate to your parents in the best way you can, and take care of yourself through these challenging times. I hope you can spend some quality time with your Dad. He's doing the best he can with a difficult relationship.

[BigWideWorld]

Hi

The violence in childhood resonates with me, my mother would fly into violent rages for no reason, usually when my dad was out the house, one time she had me down in corner fists and feet flying at me again for no reason and dad was there and he dragged her off me and she was punching him to get him to let go of her so she could carrying on beating me - it shocks me to think about how evil she could be in the 80's and 90's - trouble is kids got good hidings in those days so it probably wasn't as noticeable to the outside world. She did it to me in front of my friends once and I had to ask their parents not to carry out a threat to report her for child abuse because I would be terrified if having to live with her if she had that to hold against me.

It wasn't always bad but when it was bad it was really bad. We've just ended contact with other at her choice as she has become an evil person again since my dad died in 2016, I was gearing up to sever ties anyway as my brother and aunt already have recently.

What makes me laugh is that she tends to tell people that we beat her up as kids!

[Methuen]

Welcome to the community.  I'm saddened by your experience, but glad you have found this site, and hopeful you will find support amongst people who have also had difficult experiences with BPD family members.  
Macular degeneration: does your dad get eye shots for this?  You didn't mention it, but there are treatments for macular degeneration.  My mom gets a shot in each eye every month.  Two of her sisters also get shots, but every 2-3 months instead of every 4 weeks.  Without these shots, my mom would probably have been blind years ago.  Her sister has been getting the shots for probably 20 years, and still has her sight.

 He cannot drive anymore, which means he is totally dependent on our mom. My sister said our dad is like a prisoner now. This is really tough.  Like NotWendy says, your dad may play a role in this dynamic.  When my dad's dementia worsened, H and I spoke to his case worker and explained the situation with how my mom was treating him.  We insisted on confidentiality, so my mother was not aware of our disclosures.  I believe this advocacy and honesty may have played a role for him getting into complex care in a timely way.

Sadly, he just had a stroke and passed away, and the funeral is in two days. My sister and I are dreading the fact that our mother will be attending the wake because she will likely pick a fight with someone. How did this go?

Mom has continued to drink alcohol on a daily basis,  a glass of wine every evening. Self-medication.  I am sorry for what you and your sister suffered.

A few days ago, after our mom’s latest angry episode, I decided to google “Jekyll and Hyde personality” and found this site Re) Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything I’ve read sounds like my mom. I told my sister about it but I don’t know if I should tell my dad. He’d probably deny it. It sounds like he is enmeshed with her, which suggests it would not be helpful to tell your dad.  If that got back to your mom, it would boomerang back at you, which wouldn't be helpful for anyone in the present situation with your dad's health.

I thought things would get better after I grew up, but her short temper has grown even shorter. I can relate.  My mom definitely got worse as she aged.  The effects of her BPD on me also increased exponentially after my dad died (15 years ago).  I now believe this was because once my dad passed, her punching bag was gone, and I became the new punching bag (only child).

I wish I could avoid her but I want to maintain a relationship with my dad, and he’s totally dependent on her. I'm wondering if you live close enough to support your mom by giving her more time for herself - by bringing your dad to some of his appts etc?  That would give you alone time with your dad, and you could spin it as also helping your mom because it would give her more free time for herself.  If she is a control freak though, she may not accept this, but it worked for me and my dad - up to the point my mom would allow it.  It did give me an opportunity to be involved in some important appointments for my dad, and this meant a lot to him.

I went to visit them a couple days ago and my mom was putting my dad down—she said he interrupted her and she said sarcastically, “can I finish my sentence for once in my life?” It was so inappropriate and plain mean. I can relate.  As my dad's dementia progressed, her emotions couldn't handle the stress.  She mistreated him terribly, including yelling at him that he was a "retard".  This was the type of thing we confidentially disclosed to his case worker in privately arranged conversations.

At that point, I said it was time for me to go. Good for you.    I think this was a good way to handle it, both to protect yourself, and to indirectly send the message that her behavior was unacceptable.  She lost her audience because of her behavior.

I left and felt depressed for several hours afterwards. The family dynamic is miserable and isn’t going to change. I wish there was something that I could do to make things better.
As you know, you can't fix it.  Look after yourself first, and you will be better able to help your dad, and cope with your mom's bad behavior.  I'm curious, can your dad get eye shots for his macular degeneration?  Can you trust your mom if she says no?