Back in the fold with my BPD mother's FOO

[Notwendy]

I'm not sure there's a solution to this other than to ignore the emails, but I do want to stay informed about family members so it's not something I wish to do.

My mother's FOO apparently sends group emails, and any email sent to someone, or a family,  is copied to everyone. After several years of not being in contact with me ( their choice not mine) they have now begun to include me in these emails again. I am not NC with my mother so there's no reason to not respond to the emails.

I also know that any emails I send to them, even if I don't copy anyone else on them, is forwarded to everyone.

So any emails I get from this side of the family always include my mother. It's a bit strange to see an email. " Dear NW and NWMom".

This is a norm for them.  The topics are not about me or for me, they are usually about something they did or some news about them. I usually reply something short enough to be polite but not invested. Something like "thank you for the email, it sounds lovely". I don't have any interest in sharing with a whole group and my mother in a group email.

It's also quite interesting to read my BPD mother's replies as they automatically get sent to me on the email list. They sound like a totally different person. I don't even recognize the emails as something she would write- as I know her. She has an entirely different persona with them.

It just feels a bit icky to me somehow. So wanted to share.

[madeline7]

Do you think it was just random that you are now included back in the group email thread? Like someone was answering a group email with the old thread? Or do you think someone intentionally added you back in? I only ask because in my very small 3 person group thread, I am sometimes informed of things regarding my BPDm and I know that at other times the other 2 people on the thread are having private conversations. This triggered me, and I realized I didn't want to be included on their terms, whenever they decided it was ok to include me. Recently I started to ignore the group thread and only reach out to one person if necessary to minimize contact with the other person who has been excluding me for some time. What I am struggling with now is that just when I thought I had some clarity and making gains with radical acceptance with my BPDm...I now realize someone in my FOO is painting me black and here we go again. So are you able to read the emails and respond politely, or do you feel that not responding is the best. In my situation, once I stopped responding to the group text, I was then left out completely from future texts.

[Notwendy]

It wasn't random. Part of this is orchestrated by my mother and I have no way to know what is going on behind the scenes.

Her family seems enmeshed and narcisistic, but they aren't bad people and at one point, I thought we had a good relationships. But also they are mainly connected to my mother and I don't live near them so they mainly know me through what she tells them about me. It was actually though this type of email that I received a disturbing comment about me several years ago. I emailed one of these members and apparently that got passed on and someone made some really hurtful comments about me in reply, but hit "reply all" and it got back to me. So I can relate to how you felt when you saw that someone in your FOO was saying unkind things.

My mother was angry at me when my father died and disowned me and her FOO went along with that. She then got over it and I guess "reowned" me. But by then, her FOO had not spoken to me in a while. That upset me and she knows it, because I did think of them as my family too until then, and we did have what I thought was a good relationship but I don't know about that now.

I don't think my mother is concerned about family connections to me, but she's invested in being a grandmother and the problem for her is that if I'm not in the fold, neither are my kids. So a while back one of her FOO reached out to me to reconnect. I agreed cautiously, and am polite to them, but I am wary of their intentions. She's taken the "NW is keeping her from her grandkids" perspective and enlisted them in the effort to help her. The real issue is that- she did this, I didn't. I reached out to this family after my father died, they didn't respond. She's responsible for the disconnect and she's trying to smooth things over.

My children are young adults now and are aware of my mother's condition. We do stay in touch with her, and I am not really worried that she's going to influence them much. They also have cousins their age on that side of the family and I think it's a good thing that they get to know their cousins. So I actually don't mind the contact with the family, it's just that I know that behind it is my mother's manipulations.

I would actually welcome the chance to "clear the air' with them but that would involve them having to choose between what my mother tells them about me and what is actually true about me, and I don't see that being possible. They share everything with her.

[Notwendy]

So one issue that I struggle with is that being "in the fold" with my mother's FOO comes with expectations. ( hello FOG). It's not just about getting together. I would enjoy that, but her family get togethers include them talking about their accomplishments.

I truly feel sorry for my mother in this situation- as it surely is hurtful to her to not feel she "measures up" to them. Actually, they seem to not think anyone measures up to them, but I don't think she sees that it's not just her. She desperately wants us to join in this on her behalf and has attempted several times to get my family to do that.

There is no meeting her demands halfway. She pushes and pushes and pushes because it's not enough that we participate and are cordial.  From  my mother's and her FOO's perspective, we are villains for not telling all about what a loving and kind mother she is and all the things she does for us. They think I am being stubborn and unreasonable.  They know it makes her sad. I don't do this intentionally to make her sad, I just don't know what I could say that would be acceptable to them. Mostly we kids were scared of her growing up. We would not say anything mean about her but we don't have stories about her being a loving caring parent.

Sometimes I feel like just making something up, but I know that's stepping into enabling and codependency.

[madeline7]

Making something up can feel like stepping into enabling and codependency. That's how I feel even when I am trying to maintain neutrality by just allowing myself to be in a LC relationship. Because LC is not very limited for me, it is an easy slide into more regular contact. And with that comes her manipulations. And now that I see that the divisive behavior has caused one of my siblings to paint me black, there is no safe place for me in my FOO. A perfect example of how one person can truly poison the well. Did you ever get the caretaker situation worked out NotWendy?

[Notwendy]

Thanks for asking about the caretaker situation. It's an ongoing thing but she does now seem to have someone for now thankfully.

I do understand about how it feels that the "well is poisoned" and how hard it is to maintain "middle ground". It's sad that your sibling has "painted you black". My BPD mother has, over the years, influenced how her FOO sees me and I think at this point, it would be hard to undo that.

"there's no safe place" because the family- and your family- are all connected to each other.

Yes it does feel like just being cordial-neutral- is making something up because we act polite and reinforce the idea that "all is perfectly normal". Going NC would involve going NC with every family member and that's hard to do.

[zachira]

It certainly is confusing to suddenly be included in the family emails since you were discarded when your father died. Do you think you will likely be discarded again at some point? It is also terribly frustrating to see how your mother fools the family with her charming personality while she mistreats you when none of her FOO is around. I am wondering if you would feel relieved if you did not read or reply to the emails. Could you decide on a period of time to ignore the emails and see how you feel? Our narcissistic FOO has some sinister ways of drawing us back into the family dynamics, especially because they need the narcissistic supply. Is there any way for you to safely find out how you were added to the email list?

[Notwendy]

My mother gave the OK to them to speak to me some time ago. She realized that when she alienated me from the relationship, that included my children. The rest of her FOO is involved with their grandchildren and she wants that too. She's responsible for the disconnect and so she's tried to repair that, and you are correct- for her image.

Due to the pandemic, her FOO communcates more by email. She forwarded one to me asking me to participate. I noticed that I was not on the list and told her that I wasn't comfortable doing that due as it was pretty obvious it wasn't meant to be sent to me. So she must have contacted them.

I don't object to being kept in touch. NC with them was not my choice in the first place. I am noticing the difficulty with boundaries though. Being in contact isn't enough. I don't mind some contact but it's hard to maintain a boundary with my mother and I have no idea what kind of manipulations are going on behind the scenes.