Hello everybody.
I've dated a girl for the last seven months.
She started following me on Instagram. I texted her. It was fun. We manage to date. It was really intense.
We had sex on the third date.
She told me in the first month we were dating, she couldn't sleep nor eat properly because of the intensity of the feelings.
Maybe too much earlier idealization?
The r/s was very good. Intense. Sex was very good. She was very nice. We never had a fight. We did lots of funny stuff together. etc. She was very intense with me. The gaze focused on me, it was obvious her desire and feelings for me.
She is a Psychologist as me. 37y (me 42y). She seems very mature.
But...
In the first 4 months, we broke up 3 times.
It was always like this: We were having a terrific time together, but then, two days later, she came and broke up out of the blue. I tried to understand why, she wouldnt tell me. I insisted and finally she told me. It was minor stuff. I forget to share with her a youtube video or i forgot to give her a book she asked. I was working a lot in the summer, so sometimes i could forget about this and that. Not very often tough. I was amazed with her atitude of breaking up without wanting to speak with me, for this minor stuff. I could accept that this is important stuff to her, but she could speak with me and we could solve it.
After i chased her, she played hard to get, but after some weeks we would resume and she became happier then ever and even more in love with me. Then she would say that i was very attentive and loving, etc.
The last time she broke up, i went to her place to talk. We ended up in bed. She was visibly happy, but keep saying "This means nothing. We are not dating anymore." She maintained this atitude for some 2 weeks longer, then she eventually gave up and we resumed our relationship and again, she told me she was more in love with me then ever, etc.etc.
Then we had 3 very good months. But then again, she became colder. Very distant. I tried to ask her what was the cause. She didn't say. Then, i decided to be im my corner. We didn't speak for 8 days. Then I went to speak with her and her reaction was very bad. She told me she didn't missed me anymore, that she didnt want to solve things, that she was always there to me but I wasn't for her. I tried to call her, she denied. She told she wrote an email to me explaining, but didnt know if would send (she never did. I don't even know if she indeed wrote something).
I asked her if she still loved me. She said that was not important. The important was the way i make her feel.
She said she was fascinated with me, but we saw r/s in different ways.
I told her i am a man with virtues and flaws like any other man. I didnt need someone do be fascinated with me, but that would love me as i am. And that I would be happy to solve things. But if she didn't want to solve things, i couldnt do nothing about.
We always talked in Instagram. I didnt went to Instagram anymore that day. She texted me to my mobile saying she texted me on Instagram and then deleted it (revenge: you dont go to Insta, you are not to see my messages), that she was not in the mood for games (i wasnt playing any. She was), and not to text her anymore.
And we are NC since then (5 days).
I have a history of BPD-NPD gfs. I've plenty of posts here, specially about r/s with my ex-BPD-NPD (wich, btw, came back to me, more then a year later, wanting to resume the r/s. I refused).
I don't know if this girl is BPD or any of the kind, but i'm sure she does not behave or relate in a mature and healthy way. This reminds me a lot of the Idealization/Devaluation, Hot/Cold behavor i've experienced in previous r/s, altough, she doesnt seem BPD to me.
We grew in the same city and have a lot of friends in common, but we never met before. A friend of mine told me she dated her cousin for 6y and that she was very agressive with the guy. He was a junkie, but she screamed a lot and was very very agressive with him.
She was never agressive with me. And she only wants to breakup when we are not together (texting). When we are together, she is always fascinated/atracted, so everything is ok.
I think she is very angry and needs to express it. Before she was more impulsive. Now she is more Machiavellian, and tries to hurt in more sofisticated ways.
I really can't go chase her anymore and try to solve things as i did before, specially, because she is getting worse in this breakups, always blaming me, not taking any responsability, and that i feel that i'm loosing all power i could have in the r/s, plus i'm reenforcing bad behavior.
I told her several times, that we could talk about things. She didn't have to end r/s to get attention. She listens. But then we go for a ride in the park again.
A lot changed for me in the last year. I am much stronger. I dated a lot of girls before this one. I'm focused on my stuff and happy with what I do. But still, i think i am in a kind of toxic interaction again.
I feel sad, because the r/s seems perfect except for this out of the blue breakups, where i feel she just want attention and need to rage with me (she may believe in the relevance of her complaints, but I think her true motivation, whether conscious or not, is another).
Now i am divided in chasing her (i know that if i chase her and make a little bit more effort this time, she will get back with me again) of just let it be (i just can't chase her anymore. I have not the energy to do it, nor I think it would be a good idea. Yes, we would resume r/s, but the next crisis would be worse for sure).
I apologize for the length of the text.
Any toughts?
