Starting Point Advice welcome

[rum2020]

I need to start communicating with my uBPDh about everything that I have been researching, thinking about, and agonizing over for the last couple of months. So I am going to send him an email next week on Monday or Tuesday to start the ball rolling. Main goal is to discuss communication issues, my awareness of the issues I need to work on, and tell him I am going to start seeing a therapist. I want to come off in the BIFF Style to not induce panic on his part or conflict. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Email:

It's been awhile since we discussed our communication issues and I just wanted to talk to you about some things I have read about and want you to know about. You're right I have issues with needing to be a more active listener. I have learned to be more mindful and present in our conversations. I have enjoyed our conversations more that way and feel happier living more in the present. I also have an issue with being too passive and not being assertive in my communication. It is something that I wish to work on more next.

While learning more about communication I have come to realize a lot of my issues stem from childhood abuse I thought was very much behind me. However, I have learned that because of this I have issues with boundaries and possibly an insecure attachment style. I have decided to see a therapist to work on these more pervasive issues. I hope that this will increase our ability to communicate with one another.

End

Honestly I never know how to end these things. I also want to set a boundary with him about not invalidating me, however I think I will broach that after meeting with my therapist on Thursday. So it is kind of breaking the ice a bit to open up lines of communication about boundaries and maybe being able to suggest to him in a couple of weeks if he has thought about counseling for himself and/or anger management once he sees me start going through the process.

I actually had my first session with a therapist yesterday and she seemed to think it wasn't out of the question to eventually broach the subject of BPD which I thought was weird. I guess I just need to see if he will always think it is my problem to fix things and that he has no responsibility on his side to fix things.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

How would you describe his behavior and attitude when you’ve spoken about communication issues in the past?

[rum2020]

Angry and defensive usually wanting to steer the direction to where everything is my fault.

I sent him an email this morning something short just saying I had found therapist and that I had an appointment this Thursday. He responded much better than I thought he would, and actually said he had thought about talking to one. "Work, pandemic, life, government just all kind builds up." is what he said. Surprised me because when we tried Marriage counseling 3 years ago he thought it was stupid and didn't want to go back. I know better than to be too hopeful but at least I don't have to lie about going to a therapist. But I think he knows on some level how much this last year has affected him and might have him worried enough to finally start thinking about some of his issues.

"Susan Forward and Donna Frazier (1997) explain that targets of emotional blackmail may become very guarded about certain subjects and stop sharing major parts of their lives, such as embarrassing things they’ve done, frightened or insecure feelings, hopes for the future, and anything that shows that they’re changing and evolving.

What’s left when we must consistently walk on eggs with someone? Superficial small talk, strained silences, lots of tension. When safety and intimacy are gone from a relationship, we get used to acting. We pretend that we’re happy when we’re not. We say that everything is fine when it isn’t. What used to be a graceful dance of caring and closeness becomes a masked ball in which the people involved are hiding more and more of their true selves."

This is how I have felt for too many years.