My mom is undiagnosed BPD

[Uphillbattle05]

I finally joined and I think it’s the perfect time. I’ve known my mother has had some sort of a disorder for many years and now that I’m older, reading more I am 99% sure she has BPD. Ever since I got pregnant with my first child it’s like something has clicked in me. I can’t tolerate her anymore. It’s almost like for years I was hiding her true self. My husband who has known my family and I for 15 years is shocked that how could I suddenly have such strong dislike towards my mom. Has anyone else experienced this? While pregnant and now had my daughter I feel 0 empathy towards her and just want to yell at her for hours for all she’s caused my family and I.

[Sunflower45]

Becoming a parent can make you see your own childhood in a very different light. I knew things were wrong with my BPD mother and the way she treated me before I became a parent, but they seemed even more appalling afterwards. When I first held my baby in my arms, I was overwhelmed by loving and protective feelings. It was so effortless, so easy to love my child, I just couldn’t understand how broken my mother must be. A switch flipped in me too, and it led to me permanently cutting contact with my mother.

I also had problems with my mother displaying some of the same problematic behaviors towards my child as she did toward me. I may have allowed myself to be treated badly in the past, but I went all Mama Bear when my kid was targeted. Has this been your experience as well? I had hoped my mother would have been different as a grandmother but it was not to be.

[Uphillbattle05]

Thank you for validating my feelings. So the good news is we live in another state. We moved once we got married (and in true BPD character she went crazy) she called me the worst things ever. She resented my husband and I. She made comments that “he took me away,” and that she sacrificed her whole life for me so I can leave her. I didn’t realize how emotionally draining that was to hear along with many other things on what an awful daughter I am to do that as she would never...much of my childhood is a blur at this point. I’m almost 36, and all I remember was it was hectic, we moved a lot bc of her...and my dad was a sheep. He stayed quiet to keep the peace as much as he could, but she kicked him out for no apparent reason. Love my dad. He’s my stable rock. Anyway, now my daughter is almost 7 months old ans bc we live out of state and covid restrictions she’s been here once. She met her when she was just a few months old and the 2nd day she was here I couldn’t wait for her to go back. She made comments on how I parent, asked if I had dark makeup under my eye (knowing how tired I am and it was just dark circles under my eyes.  she was off. I know what you mean by protective mamma bear. I had a hard time walking my dog while my daughter slept and she was alone with her. I don’t know maybe I’m just overly paranoid. My mother has never physically abused me but emotionally has beat me down. I have woken up and I can’t get myself to even crack a smile when she calls. In fact, I get anxiety  when I see her name on caller ID. She’s bought my daughter a ton of gifts but those mean nothing to me! I rather her not. I’ve completely turned stone cold. I almost want to just yell at her for hours and ask her how she was such a narcissist her whole life with us why were we so terrified on some days wondering what the heck her mood was going to be like. I’m so glad I found this forum. Between this ans my
Book I’m reading I feel much more at peace. It’s like she can’t break me she can’t manipulate me! The end will come when she decides to tell me
One day she wants to move here bc she’s lonely. She’ll have to hear me out then.

[GaGrl]

On that last topic...stay strong. My step-daughter and her 5-year old moved to join her fiance in a city 1500 miles away. My husband's ex, her mother, is uBPD/NPD and very dysfunctional.

After a year and several very controlled visits, Ex announced she was moving the AD's city. WE said, "No, that's not a good idea. You need NOT to do that. I won't give you any more access to GD5 if you live here."

 Well, two months later and two U-Hauls later, Ex moved a mile from SD and has been there almost 14 years now.

[Uphillbattle05]

Oh my goodness. Terrifies me. My mothers good days are very little compared to the bad days I remember. I would hate this. How has the last 14 years been? I could imagine BPD mom trying to overstep her boundaries

[Sunflower45]

Uphillbattle05, we must have the same mother! She had a similar reaction when I got married, and her first (and last) visit with my daughter was like what you described. She kept saying things like, “Don’t you just hate your child/want to slap her when she [insert normal baby behavior here.]?” Her use of gifts was totally inappropriate.

You’ve expressed some pretty strong anger about your mother and a wish that she would leave you alone. Have you established any boundaries with her? Have you considered the possibility of stronger boundaries or even a temporary no contact period? It would be difficult and she will fight those boundaries strongly, but it could give you some emotional space to begin exploring those difficult (though totally understandable) feelings and how you want to live in this new phase of your life.

[Uphillbattle05]

The thing is I’ve been super nice and taking all her crap and stress she’s given me over the years but since I got pregnant ans had the baby ive changed. She’s noticed. She said the other day one day I want to know what your problem with me is? I almost wanted to say where do I begin? No point in sharing it’ll be a fight she’ll blame others and curse me out. I don’t know how to transition to setting strong boundaries without telling her off? Like she’ll think all of a sudden? “But we were so close!” She’ll think I’ve changed but she doesn’t realize we’ve never been close it was my strong efforts over the years to make her happy knowing I’m far etc. I’ve always felt a sense of guilt bc of her damaging words. When she said one day I want to know what your problem is, I said “every time we chat you’re negative and as a new mother I am trying to be a positive role model for my daughter every waking moment.” She said the usual “you’re rude to me and as a mom you should know better one day you’ll understand but it’s be too late.” That last time she’s said for the last decade to me!

[Uphillbattle05]

Typo the last line “one day you’ll understand or one day you’ll regret but it’ll be too late” is a classic line she’s used to manipulate me with her words for the last decade. I texted her back “at this age I don’t take manipulation and emotional abuse.”