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Author Topic: A turbulent romance: a quick look at my story and current struggles.  (Read 371 times)
tokyowinter

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seeking Divorce
Posts: 3


« on: February 22, 2021, 04:29:55 PM »

Hello Bpdfam, I immediately feel both motivated and terrified to write to you. Though I am ecstatic to know that you exist, part of me feels like this is an elaborate setup by my ex to catch me in the act of defiance. Oh, the immense feelings of doubt and fear; I wonder if any of you ever feel the watchful eye of your ex-Bpd or current Bpd hovering. So I will rise above this irrational fear (we've been separated for nearly a year at this point) and share the terrors of our turbulent and often fantastical romance.

To begin, I have a deep and abiding attraction to narcissists specifically and cluster B personalities generally; I am the quintessential magnet. The three most profound relationships I've had—including two marriages—were all with either narcissists or Bpd's or both; I have chosen a difficult path. The first two were hurtful and undoubtedly confusing. Still, I seemed to bounce back reasonably well, though obviously, I had not resolved or even named the issues about myself that led me to these relationships—I was blissfully unaware and eager for more. So when I met my ex, the love-bombing was intoxicating. You must know that this is a story about covert narcissism as much as it is BPD. At times one is more recognizable than the other, but a few things remain constant; a lack of empathy, clear self-centeredness, extreme emotional irregularity, and a whole heck of a lot of eggshells. The start was full of life and energy; deep and unending conversation, passionate sex, travel to new and exciting places, and a host of other great excesses—things progressed quickly. We were engaged inside a few months, married in 6 months, and pregnant in 8; she later told me that she got pregnant on purpose so I wouldn't leave. While things were wonderful and dynamic, there were also clear and worrying signs of mental illness. Chiefly among them were constant stress and anxiety, dysphoria, sudden bursts of anger and violence (mostly biting and scratching), self-harm (punching herself in the head and scratching her arms until she bled), antagonistic dialogue leading to fabricated arguments, and secret alcohol abuse. Writing it out, I cannot believe I stayed; it makes me feel so foolish.

After about a year into our marriage, I changed careers to spend more time with our family; I would realize later that this was a huge mistake. Now that I was home and had nowhere to go, she felt fully inclined to take control. Not only did all the aforementioned characteristics continue, but now the world of me was subsumed in the world of her. My thoughts, ideas, feelings, and desires were all secondary to her emotions. Simple things like going to the gym, or hanging out with a friend, became matters of contention. Soon, even subject matters we once could discuss fairly easily became off-limits—I’m fairly opinionated and confident in my beliefs, so I’m not easily dissuaded—therefore, no discussion was allowed; I was shut down. To make matters worse, she had difficulty dealing with the changes to her body during and after her pregnancy. This led her to not taking care of her body, never showering and only bathing every week or month or so, not brushing her teeth, etc. This, of course, led to an increased lack of intimacy (I’m sure you are all accustomed to the many ups and downs, twists and turns, of sexuality with a Bpd/narcissist). Any attempt on my part to discuss why I was feeling so detached—emotional manipulation, no freedom, being shut down, her lack of hygiene, etc.—were all off-limits. I noticed that several days after each attempt to discuss our lack of intimacy, she would find a way to fight about how I wasn’t working hard enough to connect with her—infuriating. She started piling work on too much against my frequent requests not to, so the stress and anxiety were through the roof. All in all, she became the type of person who may or may not leave her bedroom for days, would never pay attention to me or our daughters, and was only motivated by her own goals and desires—nothing else mattered. Of course, this left me to take care of all the other necessities of life, including childcare and, eventually, her work. I felt like I was caring for three children. As far as having a voice, I was completed muzzled; any attempt to speak my mind was derided and gaslighted. Even if she had clearly done something wrong or had committed no other crime but hurt my feelings, I, somehow, was always responsible. To this day, she has never once apologized to me for anything.

There are so many more details, events, and nuances, but I’ll skip to the exciting part for brevity. I confessed that I had cheated about three years in, and as you can imagine, things went off the rails. She was immediately suicidal, stopped working, found her way back into multiple addictions (drugs, alcohol, eating disorder, and certain sexual proclivities), would disappear for days on end, had numerous stints in rehab and the emergency room. All of this happening while I maintained our life; work, home, children, family, etc.—and it persisted for years. I have been stabbed multiple times with a variety of objects, chased after with knives, yelled at in front of the kids, punched in front of the kids, woken up in the middle of the night with her straddling me and punching me in the face. The fear of her dying was a reality every night as she would stay up and drink until unconscious, not before cutting herself and bleeding out all over our things; I never knew what I would wake up to, that is, if I slept. All the while, the fear and guilt were building in me. I was always blamed for everything, and not just by her and not just for cheating; I’d somehow become the scapegoat for her terrifying behavior. I recall during one of her binges, her mother saying to me on the phone, “it’s just cocaine; stop being so concerned.” She comes from a wealthy family, so the threat of a legal battle and losing the kids was hinted at. I finally left because the reality for my children was beyond the pale. They were becoming old enough to comprehend what was happening, and I couldn’t allow that reality. It was only until about eight months into the separation that I realized I should have left for myself—for me—because I don’t deserve to be treated that way. She revealed six months into the separation that she had been living with and dating another man while lying to me about it. She moved in with him two weeks after we left. 

My recovery has been long but true. I have finally faced the realities of my bad decisions and the hurts and insecurities that led me to choose the partners I’ve chosen. I am in therapy and am very hopeful for the future. Last week I finally wrote a letter to myself officially taking any hope of reconciliation off the table—why did I want to reconcile in the first place? The guilt and shame a BPD/narcissist can inflict upon us are profound. The manipulation is pervasive and all-encompassing. The fear and doubt crippling; the depression and PTSD, debilitating. I know that no one deserves to be treated this way. Everyone deserves respect and attention, love and compassion, forgiveness and redemption. I deserve it; so do you.

To all of you who have made it this far, thank you, it’s about as short as I could make it. Now, I’d like to share what I’m struggling with most; finding passion and clarity in my work and life and dealing with physical abuse’s psychological fallout. There are many resources out there for people who have gone through some difficult interpersonal relationships but not as much for domestic abuse. I am already grateful for the opportunity to share; if anyone finds the time to respond and even lend some advice, I’ll be thrilled. Thank you all for listening and I look forward to talking. Cheers.
 
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khibomsis
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Grieving
Posts: 784


« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2021, 04:49:01 AM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) tokyowinter, and welcome to the family! I am glad you feel comfortable here, we get it. There is no need to be terrified, we are the most harmless bunch of people Smiling (click to insert in post) Still, we accomplish something. Many people have been healed on these boards.
Thank you for affirming me! I have also looked at the wreckage of my adult relationships: 1 CPTSD/alcoholic, another alcoholic, an Asperger's and my most recent expwBPD, and come to the bitter realization that I must love pain. There is comfort in fellowship, if nothing else. I feel for you in the whirlwind your life must have been. It sounds terrible. To walk daily in fear of your life (or hers) is a particular form of anxiety few people knew until CoVID. You certainly did the right thing for all of you. Your daughters now have a chance of a stable peaceful home life, and will not accept abuse as normal when they grow up. They will have had a better rolemodel.  

I hope writing it all out was cathartic, if not, write more. We are here to listen.

Overcoming abuse, any kind of abuse, centers on forgiving yourself. And that starts with understanding what led you into these situations.  I am glad you are in therapy working through this.
 I guess what I would suggest is just making sure the basics are in place. Do you eat well, exercise (even if just a gentle walk), practice mindfulness techniques like chanting, meditating or praying? How is your support network, do you get along well with your family and friends? Not necessarily to talk about BPD but just to hang out with? Do you have hobbies that energize you? I know it sounds like a lot when you have children as well, but you would be surprised how much difference is made by good primary mental health care.
Then to read and study so you get a deeper understanding of the dynamics. Knowledge is power. We have tools galore for every concern, they are in the section just above these messages under "Lessons".  Try this one, it explains why health care right now is so important. Your system is exhausted and drained from years of abuse and you need to rebuild it  : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141948.0
Let us know how much of this resonates with you.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2021, 04:54:35 AM by khibomsis » Logged

 
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