Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
February 25, 2021, 04:25:25 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Could use advice for DIL w BPD  (Read 26 times)
Alex Lee
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Relationship status: Strained
Posts: 1


« on: February 23, 2021, 06:41:08 AM »

I’m pretty sure my DIL has BPD. We have almost no contact with our son, but they want to meet and talk about our family relationship. (They only want to be with us for things like Christmas and birthdays when there are gifts involved, and even then they only stay a short time). I used to be very close to my son. I am heartbroken by the loss of our relationship. I actually used to be close to my DIL before they got together. I want to do whatever I can to make the relationship work.
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Naughty Nibbler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1657



« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2021, 01:55:36 PM »

ALEX LEE: Welcome!

Sorry about your situation.  It must be very frustrating for you.
1.  With holidays and birthdays, how often do you currently see them (i.e. once a month, 6 times a year, etc.)

2.  What would be optimal in your eyes?

3.  Have to assume you will never get optimal:  i.e. a weekly gathering, a monthly gathering.  So, what's a small step up from the current situation: i.e. one of you visits the other's home, once a month (when there isn't some other celebration already planned) & you rotate months regarding who's house is visited.

Best to prepare and perhaps practice a discussion, before it happen:

DONT' JADE:  Don't argue about it (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

DON'T BE INVALIDATING:  Don't agree with something you don't agree with, but it's important to NOT invalidate feelings.  Sometimes, it can be best to stay silent in regard to some things and NOT invalidate by word, body language or expression.

USE "I" STATEMENTS:  
Avoid using "You" statements & use "I" Statements instead:
"I feel _________"
"When _________"
"Because _______"
"I would like  _______"

SAMPLE:
I feel sad, when I'm unable to see my grandchildren between holidays/birthdays.  I'd like for us to get to know each other better.  I Would like to visit with them more often.  

How about aiming for something small?  Sometimes, these discussions can go from bad to worse and even lead to an extreme position of "No Contact" or  less contact.

What do you think?  Have you tried any strategic communication skills in the past?

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!