Is it BPD or is it a realistic complaint issue. My W frequently brings up that "I don't have her back" or that she always comes last. I feel that I try and do everything for her, but she gets stuck on the fact that my ex would frequently text nasty things. She doesn't like that I don't typically respond the way she feels I should (I typically just ignore it and don't engage, as my T has also recommended) initially I would occasionally say things, but as expected never changed the behavior. Then there was a similar issue with my mother as well. Who we no longer talk to, but essentially because I didn't "confront" my mother directly, my W basically says I don't have her back. I have other examples as well, but these are two very commonly recurring ones she brings up.
My pwBPD also said I don't have her back, she's in 3rd place, etc., very often. She has often desired that I "confront" people in the past too. I agree with once removed, there can be an element of both sides contributing to the issue, and as non-BPD's we may take on more responsibility then we should.
For me, the tricky thing was coming to the realization that I am not 100% the cause of what she is complaining about. I've only managed to achieve this understanding on a deeper emotional level since reading the books about BDP and coming to this forum. Prior to this, I "understood" intellectually that "I'm not 100% the cause of the problems my W has" but on an emotional level, I was still taking on buckets of guilt and fear in response to her complaints.
In the last two weeks, having absorbed that my wife has a disorder called BPD, it's taken me to a more balanced internal place. Rather than believing I am the cause of her problems, I can now see that in some instances, I may have done something or said something in the wrong way, but her reaction to that is her responsibility. My job is to self-reflect on what is *mine to improve* and *what is hers and belongs to her.* Hence, I don't need to take responsibility for her side of things; her responses/reactions are hers alone. Just to clarify with an example:
Me: [Overall calm energy, however, internal essence of the following comment is blame] - "I was on my way outside with the children, and you were really delaying us even though you knew we were in a rush"
W: [Extreme rage for several hours about comment, no desire to reflect on the potential truth of her delaying things unnecessarily] "GRRRRRRRRRR"
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My learning is that as a mature adult, I am to self-reflect and potentially apologize for my tone of blame. Yet, if pwBPD continues to guilt-trip and rage for several hours; that's where the boundary is. It's her stuff, not mine. I might have triggered it, but I didn't "cause" her emotional experience and behavior.
Where I used to take 100% or 90% responsibility for her behavior, today I take only up to 50%. In some cases, her reaction is based on her imagination, and I have 0% responsibility for what occurred.
As long as I honestly self-reflect and work to improve myself (doesn't necessarily mean saying sorry out loud, which can be tricky as it has the potential to trigger even more guilt-tripping and rage from pwBPD), then I'm doing good work.
For several years I lost contact with my family of origin, because pwBPD blamed them for real/imagined situations. Situations which did have an element of truth to them became so intensely magnified in her mind over the years, that my FOO literally became evil in her mind's eye. Since she didn't see me angrily confronting them "about their terrible behavior" (hyper-exaggeration) and conceived that she is always "2nd place," I allowed myself to become too responsible. There were several nuances to the scenario, including but not limited to:
1) I have certain "mother enmeshment" patterns and so my pwBPD's perception of me being a "mama's boy" did have some legitimacy on a psychological level
2) Her intense rage, abuse, attacks on me and my FOO (wishing they would die, physical/psychological attacks on me, etc.) were HERS due to intense exaggeration and magnification in her mind's eye regarding their "criticisms"
3. Since, due to BPD, she had zero desire to self-reflect on or inability to SEE what she may have said/done to cause people in her life (my FOO as well as her own family) to feel critical towards her... her only reality was to blame and cast responsibility "out there..." In essence, in pretty much all situations except with her children, she intensely judges those who appear to judge her, and doesn't get beyond the black and white thinking to a more balanced space of considering that both sides may contribute to a problem. To her, it's all 100% "out there" and she is basically normal and fine.
My healing in all this took years. It's only in the last two weeks that with the support of the people on this forum, I am stepping out of the FOG by contacting my parents again and re-establishing a relationship with them.
Over the years, I took responsibility by educating myself on mother enmeshment patterns, getting control of my own unhealthy patterns of blaming and criticizing my pwBPD, etc. This was good self-development work, but it didn't change pwBPD's attitude toward my FOO. Today, her attitude remains the same.
So... it's my job to validate that she does actually FEEL these things, to reassure her that I love her, etc. I had to learn not to resist her perceptions and not to subconsciously invalidate her. To actively listen and empathize with her problems even if they seem illogical.
Now that I see she has a real psychological condition that she is not aware of, it's much, much, much easier to not take responsibility for everything and instead to quietly search for the things that I may be doing to contribute to the situation. My biggest learning at the moment is not to walk on eggshells around her; I'll inevitably trigger her rages, but it's important to live my life according to my values.
