I finally did it after 6.5 years

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Everybody,
I’ve been posting on the considering leaving board, and tonight I finally left, so I’m posting here. My WwBPD (undiagnosed) and I have been together 6.6 years, married for 5.5. I have 2 step kids who I love (11 and 18). WwBPD has rages, has abused me verbally, physically (spit in my face, pushed me over, slapped me), and environmentally (throwing things around me, not allowing me any privacy). I’ve realized I must be a relationship addict since I keep looking for the same high I got when we were first together and she idealized me so hard.
I left once before a year ago but I caved in to her promises of change and went back. Well it has been so bad at home lately that she could tell I was “up to something” so today she demanded an answer about what my plan is. I said I needed space, and she said, “No, you don’t. That’s the last thing you need right now...Don’t quit before the breakthrough. Let me help you, blah blah blah.” I told her she was dictating the narrative, and she said, “I’m telling the truth. You just don’t like the truth.” After years of this, I finally was able to think in the moment, “Who is she to tell me what I need?” She left for the office and under the stepkids’ noses (which were in computers and iPads), I packed up the car and left. She’s already wreaking havoc saying hateful things about me to my family and hers, but the ones I’ve already talked to don’t believe her. I got away for the 2nd time but this time I’m not going back.
I turned off my phone and iPad when I got to my friends’ house where I’m staying for a little while, but apparently she still might know where I am. I’m not worried though because my friends said if she comes over, they will ask her to leave, and if she doesn’t, they’ll call the police. WwBPD emailed my Sis to ask about my “pathology” of always thinking I’m being abused, from my Bro in childhood to my Mom to different partners in adulthood. (Actually it was just my Bro, then my former parter wBPD, and now my WwBPD.) She asked Sis “Do you think any of it is true?” THEN WwBPD told my SisIL that I said my Bro abused me and is a child molester. I don’t know if WwBPD thought SIL would become her ally after being told that (ie, that they would join in saying “She’s a liar!”) but SIL was devastated and immediately started worrying about her kids with my Bro.  Why would W do this? SIL and kids are innocent bystanders! I can’t believe I was ever with this person. I am so disgusted. Is she just trying to hurt me by hurting them?
I’m stunned and so angry. But at least now I know I won’t cave in this time and return to her. I don’t know what to do. My friends say not to talk to anybody because they all want me to take care of them instead of the other way around. But I feel so guilty.
 
-Warriorprincess

[Warriorprincess]

Hi Everybody,
I’ve been posting on the considering leaving board, and tonight I finally left, so I’m posting here. My WwBPD (undiagnosed) and I have been together 6.6 years, married for 5.5. I have 2 step kids who I love (11 and 18). WwBPD has rages, has abused me verbally, physically (spit in my face, pushed me over, slapped me), and environmentally (throwing things around me, not allowing me any privacy). I’ve realized I must be a relationship addict since I keep looking for the same high I got when we were first together and she idealized me so hard.
I left once before a year ago but I caved in to her promises of change and went back. Well it has been so bad at home lately that she could tell I was “up to something” so today she demanded an answer about what my plan is. I said I needed space, and she said, “No, you don’t. That’s the last thing you need right now...Don’t quit before the breakthrough. Let me help you, blah blah blah.” I told her she was dictating the narrative, and she said, “I’m telling the truth. You just don’t like the truth.” After years of this, I finally was able to think in the moment, “Who is she to tell me what I need?” She left for the office and under the stepkids’ noses (which were in computers and iPads), I packed up the car and left. She’s already wreaking havoc saying hateful things about me to my family and hers, but the ones I’ve already talked to don’t believe her. I got away for the 2nd time but this time I’m not going back.
I turned off my phone and iPad when I got to my friends’ house where I’m staying for a little while, but apparently she still might know where I am. I’m not worried though because my friends said if she comes over, they will ask her to leave, and if she doesn’t, they’ll call the police. WwBPD emailed my Sis to ask about my “pathology” of always thinking I’m being abused, from my Bro in childhood to my Mom to different partners in adulthood. (Actually it was just my Bro, then my former parter wBPD, and now my WwBPD.) She asked Sis “Do you think any of it is true?” THEN WwBPD told my SisIL that I said my Bro abused me and is a child molester. I don’t know if WwBPD thought SIL would become her ally after being told that (ie, that they would join in saying “She’s a liar!”) but SIL was devastated and immediately started worrying about her kids with my Bro.  Why would W do this? SIL and kids are innocent bystanders! I can’t believe I was ever with this person. I am so disgusted. Is she just trying to hurt me by hurting them?
I’m stunned and so angry. But at least now I know I won’t cave in this time and return to her. I don’t know what to do. My friends say not to talk to anybody because they all want me to take care of them instead of the other way around. But I feel so guilty.
 
-Warriorprincess

[khibomsis]

Warrior princess, congratulations! Well done! And so smoothly too. I did not want to tell you when you were on the conflicted board, but indeed the most dangerous time is when trying to leave. I am so happy you picked this up in time and got out safely!
Thank heavens you have good and supportive friends. So often the abuser tries to isolate the victim, so it is great that you got out while you still had people.
I was trying to understand why you would not have informed your SIL if that was the case. But maybe best to leave the speculations about crazy behind.  Your ex-wife is pursuing a scorched earth policy which is regrettable. My divorce lawyer used to say "you never know who you sleep with till you try to leave them". Sad but true. Your ex-wife as is as much this person as the one you fell in love with.
As for what to do, it is simple. Go back to the things you were doing before you split up. Pay extra attention to self-care, the abuse has exacted an enormous toll on your body and mind and you need to heal. Especially as we get older it becomes noticeable how trauma stores in the body, so make sure your diet and exercise, yoga, etc, is getting the focus it needs. It will take you a month or two even to begin to realize how exhausted you are, so give yourself that time.
Guilt is a useless emotion. Throw it on the compostheap of your new life. Of course you are not going back. Anytime you feel that way, just post here, we will talk you out of it
 

[Warriorprincess]

Warrior princess, congratulations! Well done! And so smoothly too. I did not want to tell you when you were on the conflicted board, but indeed the most dangerous time is when trying to leave. I am so happy you picked this up in time and got out safely!

Thank you, khibomsis! I really appreciate it. I feel like I got out by the skin of my teeth. Twice I was almost caught packing the car (once by W! ) but I managed to get out! WwBPD was so beside herself that day that I think if she would’ve seen my packed up car, she may have tied me up to make sure I didn’t leave.

Thank heavens you have good and supportive friends. So often the abuser tries to isolate the victim, so it is great that you got out while you still had people.

Yes, she tried to isolate me many times but I was very stubborn about keeping my friends. I told her, “I’m allowed to have friends.” And she would tell me how awful they are...one is white trash, one is a cheater, etc. I thought it was very rude and unfounded but tried to ignore it.

I was trying to understand why you would not have informed your SIL if that was the case.

I didn’t inform SIL because I didn’t think it was my place. I did think hard and ponder whether I was worried about their kids possibly being abused. And I am not. I believe that happened because he was the “overvalued son” in the family, and us kids were left alone all the time. It started very innocently, and I didn’t know what was happening until much later. I do think he regrets it and is mortified that it happened. He is not a predator.

Your ex-wife is pursuing a scorched earth policy which is regrettable. My divorce lawyer used to say "you never know who you sleep with till you try to leave them". Sad but true. Your ex-wife as is as much this person as the one you fell in love with.

So mind blowing. Ex-wife was angry for 3 days, sent me legal threats, accused me of things, but today she turned it around. She said she wants a smooth divorce but just needs some time to sort things out before she moves to a condo with the kids. I’m wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. SS18 has an appointment with a new psychiatrist tomorrow and I don’t get to attend. :-( I don’t have a pet to cuddle...My ex-family has 2 dogs, neither of which is mine alone, but everyone acknowledges that one dog clearly loves me best. I’m waiting until this is not so fresh to ask if I can have him.

Meanwhile, I’m alone for the first time in a loong time. Typically I leave a relationship when I have someone new lined up. This time I don’t want to get into another relationship for a veerryy long time, if ever. My plan is to take this time to get to know myself, study my patterns, try to heal my parts that are in pain, grieve the many losses I’ve had, and even “date” myself. But right now I just want to cry for a very long time. I’m not in my home, I don’t have all my things, I don’t know how the my stepsons are, I don’t know if my dog is missing me and wondering why I abandoned him, and I’ve lost my beautiful W who loved me so much in the beginning.

As for what to do, it is simple. Go back to the things you were doing before you split up. Pay extra attention to self-care, the abuse has exacted an enormous toll on your body and mind and you need to heal. Especially as we get older it becomes noticeable how trauma stores in the body, so make sure your diet and exercise, yoga, etc, is getting the focus it needs. It will take you a month or two even to begin to realize how exhausted you are, so give yourself that time.
Guilt is a useless emotion. Throw it on the compostheap of your new life. Of course you are not going back. Anytime you feel that way, just post here, we will talk you out of it
 

This is so helpful, thank you so much. I came on here tonight for just that reason... not because I want to go back, but because I am sad. I know the wonderful people on the board understand what I’m going through.  

[Warriorprincess]

Hi All,
Today has been a real struggle. However, I know I've come to the right place. I spent half the day reading others' posts and even replying to a couple of them when I felt I had something to offer. It's been a month since I left my WwBPD. Last weekend she wrote me this email: "I am miserable without you. I love you so much and that will never change. You are and always will be the love of my life. That said, I am sorry for hurting you, breaking your heart. I will do whatever it takes to fix this. I'm laying down every ounce of pride I have. Here’s my proposal: Tap the brakes on divorce. We can stay separated but start dating – get back to what brought us together to start with. The boys and I will still move [to a condo] and we will be ready for you to come home whenever you’re ready. I will go to therapy 7 days a week with you if that’s what it takes. I want INTENSE therapy. I want to fix this. You take your space and we can see each other whenever."

Of course it was everything I wanted to hear, but I've also heard it before - a year ago when I left and was talked into returning. Things changed for a short while, but ultimately stayed the same. I cried a few times before writing back to determine what she really meant by all this... I have learned enough now to ask, "What is it you want to fix? What is it you want therapy for?" And here's where my epiphanies continued. Her response (abridged): "I want to fix communication, trust, our reactions, our baggage, the parenting issues, the outside influences issues... We used to communicate. You used to talk to me. I feel like you quit doing that and talk to others... I see so much dysfunction in your sibling relationships and you’re the only one trying to make those work. I hate seeing you used. And if what they did to you as a child is true, even more of a reason that I can’t be ok with them... I’m worried about you. You have a pattern of struggling ever Feb/March. I see you getting close to a breakdown (been there) and the fact that you’re trying to escape through various methods to cope scares me. On the other side, I feel like I’m being psycho analyzed rather than supported when I am struggling. I often feel like I’m an unfixable hot mess. But I know when I love I love hard and I would lay down my life for those I love."

Her words are compelling. I know she was earnest in her writing and her feelings. And it was so clear to me that all the blame for our break-up she put on me. Nowhere in her reply is wanting to improve herself. It's all about me. She said, I used to talk to her and now I talk to my friends. That I'm depressed and nearing a breakdown. That I don't support her but instead psychoanalyze her. That I have "parenting issues." And the creme de la creme: she still thinks I'm lying about my childhood. That is just too much. I know she is saying that because she's so worried that I'll tell others about the abuse she's inflicted on me; therefore she must paint me as the girl who cries wolf, saying that everyone in my life has abused me, so it's my problem, my delusion(s). I responded to her simply that the divorce is happening because she is still calling me a liar, and I will now take care of me and she'll take care of herself and the kids. She cried unfair that I "baited" her into pouring her heart out, then cut her off at the knees. My friends told me, "You did no such thing. You simply asked what she meant by what she said." I have learned that I CANNOT assume I know what she means when she talks. It might sound like the right thing to me at first, but when pressed, she is honest about what she thinks needs to change, and it's NEVER her or her behaviors.

I'm so sad. As I read the responses to a post asking what's the hardest part about the leaving process, I cried my eyes out over and over because it is all so familiar: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=101124.0 ! Thank you to everyone who participating in that post. I know I am not alone. Some of the most poignant and familiar statements I read are:
- feeling that I have failed (I felt like I could really help her; worked so hard to save the marriage and nothing worked)
- shame of allowing myself to be so weak willed as to tolerate her behavior
- the extreme thinking that carried over to me: wanting "forever" & "always" but feeling betrayed and deceived
- reconciling who I thought I was actually in a relationship with, versus who my WwBPD turned into... I couldn't believe that the person I loved could do what she eventually did
- its like winning the lottery and then having them say april fools day, sorry and taking it back leaving a feeling of total loss and betrayal, the pain is so unbearable
- The kids! They have lost that buffer when dealing with their mom
- lies she is telling people about me to the family and friends
- The expense of the divorce! 
- memories of the past 6.5 years
- The first year was incredible. The attention. The way she looked at me. The way I felt special. Her attention became like a drug for me. The hardest part is knowing I will never get that attention...that feeling...that high...again... (I've learned that the high is a BIG  - I'm an addict and need to be in a relationship that starts from FRIENDSHIP, not love bombing
- the feeling that I will now hold back on other relationships since burned once, I won't want to get burned again
- And the hardest part is still being deeply worried about her

So grateful for this site. 
-Warriorprincess

[believer55]

Thank you Warrior Princess for this post.

Wishing you nothing but peace of mind and love.

B.

[Warriorprincess]

Thank you, believer55. I wish the same for you! 

[Gemmie]

Well, your name reveals the "you," huh? 

While I'm sorry that this has been such a confusing, scary, conflicted, event - I have to say that it takes so much strength to be able to recognize that (despite the "I'll do anything," that you so desperately want to hear/believe) even IF given that opportunity - the honeymooning period WOULD stop. Then, your feelings of guilt, self-shaming, etc. would be that much stronger.
(The whole "fool me once," thing, right?)

Turmoil is only for now. Everything is temporary.

"Be okay with not knowing for sure what might come next, know that whatever it is, you will be okay."   

[khibomsis]

Warriorprincess, well done for staying strong! It is an uphill battle I know, but it gets a bit easier every day. The first three months are the worst, after that you will start feeling better. And it will be lasting. Unlike a BPD relationship that goes nowhere but downhill over time.

If your wife is serious about healing she will get into therapy for herself, not for you. Even then it may take years to see improvement. Remind yourself of this regularly, and focus on what you can do to make yourself feel better today. That is what you have power over.
 

[Warriorprincess]

Thank you, BPDFamily.

While I'm sorry that this has been such a confusing, scary, conflicted, event - I have to say that it takes so much strength to be able to recognize that (despite the "I'll do anything," that you so desperately want to hear/believe) even IF given that opportunity - the honeymooning period WOULD stop. Then, your feelings of guilt, self-shaming, etc. would be that much stronger. Turmoil is only for now. Everything is temporary. "Be okay with not knowing for sure what might come next, know that whatever it is, you will be okay."   

Such good advice, Gemmie. Oh, I would feel so much worse if I returned. My stepson is back in the hospital for his mental health issues, so my guilt and self-shaming is intense right now. But i have done all I can for him and this family - I truly believe that. My wife refuses to get help for her disordered thinking and demoralizing rage attacks. She maintains that “this is the way life is... marriage is... the world is.” I kept telling her it didn’t have to be so hard, but in her mind everything would be easier if only everyone else changed. And hearing from her “I’ll do anything,” one would expect that my wife would actually listen to the experts telling her to obey the rules for fair fighting, or understanding the damage she’s doing to her kids by badmouthing their father, but even these “easy tasks” were seemingly impossible for her. And yet I’m still sad tonight. I’m finding it hard to breathe and want to show up at my old house to feel something familiar. A group hug from my wife and younger stepson would feel so good! And then the pain would start again, the frustration, the abuse. I can’t do that, so the only way to get over the grief is to endure it.

Warriorprincess, well done for staying strong! It is an uphill battle I know, but it gets a bit easier every day. The first three months are the worst, after that you will start feeling better. And it will be lasting. Unlike a BPD relationship that goes nowhere but downhill over time. If your wife is serious about healing she will get into therapy for herself, not for you. Even then it may take years to see improvement. Remind yourself of this regularly, and focus on what you can do to make yourself feel better today. That is what you have power over.

Khibomsis, you are spot on, as usual. I’m going to aim for that 3-month mark and pray that’s a magic number for me! May 24 will be 3 months! It does help to think if she’s serious about healing she will do her own work, and if we’re meant to be together, then we will find our way back to each other. But I could only consider being with her again if she could see the damage she has done and resolve to listen to others in order to do things differently. I know I keep thinking about her and not myself. For me to feel better today, I could watch my favorite show, listen to a book, lay on my Kenko Mat, rub my feet, and try to help someone else on this site! Maybe tomorrow I will finally polish my nails- it’s been months and months!
Baby steps. Thanks again! 
-Warriorprincess