I should have known better - what a mess Im in. Part 2

[GaGrl]

Now that you have been "here" before -- "here" being separated yet knowing you will see her to work on clearing the house -- and knowing this situation has resulted in returning to her, what are your plans for the move to the storage unit to prevent a repeat of prior returns?

Can you hire a moving company to do the move to a storage unit, so that you aren't there at all?

Can you hire a moving company to be with you ALL DAY?

Can you have several friends with you ALL DAY, with instructions that you are never to be alone with her?

You need a plan, and you need to repeat one phrase to her any time she starts manipulating you. What will that be?

[MrRight]

Now that you have been "here" before -- "here" being separated yet knowing you will see her to work on clearing the house -- and knowing this situation has resulted in returning to her, what are your plans for the move to the storage unit to prevent a repeat of prior returns?

Can you hire a moving company to do the move to a storage unit, so that you aren't there at all?

Can you hire a moving company to be with you ALL DAY?

Can you have several friends with you ALL DAY, with instructions that you are never to be alone with her?

You need a plan, and you need to repeat one phrase to her any time she starts manipulating you. What will that be?

I think it will be different this time - the nature of the job is such that it cant be done by any other party.

She also petitioned me for divorce and I have responded - the next stage is decree nisi.

I will tell her I dont love her and want to live on my own. I will say I have left you 3 times now and only returned for practical reasons. You begged me back because you said you could not cope here for 3 months waiting. Well I did that and now I want to complete here and we must all move forward including you.

Dont worry - I have this in the bag. Will report back next week with good news - promise!

[Rev]

I think it will be different this time - the nature of the job is such that it cant be done by any other party.

She also petitioned me for divorce and I have responded - the next stage is decree nisi.

I will tell her I dont love her and want to live on my own. I will say I have left you 3 times now and only returned for practical reasons. You begged me back because you said you could not cope here for 3 months waiting. Well I did that and now I want to complete here and we must all move forward including you.

Dont worry - I have this in the bag. Will report back next week with good news - promise!

Just wanting to let you know I've seen this... .steady as she goes and all that kind of stuff.

Good job.

Rev

[GaGrl]

You don't need to say much. Just construct a phrase and repeat it as many times as necessary ( "broken record technique").

"I'm here to pack. There's nothing to discuss."

Don't let her draw you into whatever manipulations caused you to return in the past.

Also, even if only you can sort through your belongings, someone else can be there to pack -- either a hired helper or a friend. It could keep her away from you.

[Rev]

You don't need to say much. Just construct a phrase and repeat it as many times as necessary ( "broken record technique").

"I'm here to pack. There's nothing to discuss."

Don't let her draw you into whatever manipulations caused you to return in the past.

Also, even if only you can sort through your belongings, someone else can be there to pack -- either a hired helper or a friend. It could keep her away from you.

I second this.  I can't remember where I heard this... but I used it to get out of my tough spot - short sentences of no more than six words, if possible.  It worked wonders.

Hang in there - you're doing a great job!

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

To simpilfy what my brother from another mother Rev and GaGrl have said...Practice being indifferent and firm. Period. Give no emotion. Do not react. Stay strong. Remember you are the winner here. However, as soon as you play nice or you respond with emotion you lose. Your power is being indifferent. Being firm is to send the message do not cross my boundaries and back off.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[MrRight]

Thank you for all your wonderful advice.

I cant say I always followed it - but what is important is I did what is necessary and am now free of her - at least the divorce is proceeding - the house is sold - she has a flat 250 miles from where I live and she is close to her son which is where she wants to be.

You know I had to spend a week with her clearing the house for the sale.

The worst week of my life. She is a hoarder and has kept everything from 20 years so we had a real job clearing it all.

The first night I was there she took her revenge upon me - locking me up once more - taking the keys - and she attacked me physically too.

However - I knew in 5 days the house would belong to another owner - and needed to bide my time and just survive.

We got the job done - I was dripping sweat for those days due to the sheer physical effort of moving all the boxes and furniture. And she wasted a lot of time trying to reason me into coming back. I did stay firm - I said Im a lone wolf and have to live alone - its the only way for me. I had been a family man out of instinct and necessity and took much from it - but now our child is over 18 and I am coming back to myself and what I want. I said there is no other woman and I intended to live alone - run my business and develop interests.

Well she kept it up throughout our time together and it did wear me down. Every time she said - you are making a mistake etc - I just tightened my lips.

After handing over the keys to the new owner I drove her to her flat some 7 hours away and she tried one last time before I was finally able to get away. I did say - you have been my wife for 19 years and will always be a special person in my life - but I need to live alone and thats what Im gonna do.

It was probably too kind to say it to her but they seemed like the correct words.

I gave her all the proceeds from the house and 2 years of maintenance which we are both happy with. I have a flourishing business so will build up again.

Well guys that is it - I consider myself free - the decree nisi will be through soon and it wont be long after that. I will stay in touch with her as we have a child. But I will be leading my own independent life.

I will feed back in to this board now and then hopefully with constructive comments.

I first left her in sep 2018 and went back twice - there will be no going back now - it is all forward.

[Rev]

Hey there Mr.Right,

Congratulations and well done.

Well... done...

I'm not sure where your spirituality lies.  I am X'ian. And in my faith, I find it striking that all this comes to me here on this Good Friday - knowing that - as the great Tony Campolo said - Today is Friday. Sunday's a-coming!

Well... done ...

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you for all your wonderful advice.

I cant say I always followed it - but what is important is I did what is necessary and am now free of her - at least the divorce is proceeding - the house is sold - she has a flat 250 miles from where I live and she is close to her son which is where she wants to be.

You know I had to spend a week with her clearing the house for the sale.

The worst week of my life. She is a hoarder and has kept everything from 20 years so we had a real job clearing it all.

The first night I was there she took her revenge upon me - locking me up once more - taking the keys - and she attacked me physically too.

However - I knew in 5 days the house would belong to another owner - and needed to bide my time and just survive.

We got the job done - I was dripping sweat for those days due to the sheer physical effort of moving all the boxes and furniture. And she wasted a lot of time trying to reason me into coming back. I did stay firm - I said Im a lone wolf and have to live alone - its the only way for me. I had been a family man out of instinct and necessity and took much from it - but now our child is over 18 and I am coming back to myself and what I want. I said there is no other woman and I intended to live alone - run my business and develop interests.

Well she kept it up throughout our time together and it did wear me down. Every time she said - you are making a mistake etc - I just tightened my lips.

After handing over the keys to the new owner I drove her to her flat some 7 hours away and she tried one last time before I was finally able to get away. I did say - you have been my wife for 19 years and will always be a special person in my life - but I need to live alone and thats what Im gonna do.

It was probably too kind to say it to her but they seemed like the correct words.

I gave her all the proceeds from the house and 2 years of maintenance which we are both happy with. I have a flourishing business so will build up again.

Well guys that is it - I consider myself free - the decree nisi will be through soon and it wont be long after that. I will stay in touch with her as we have a child. But I will be leading my own independent life.

I will feed back in to this board now and then hopefully with constructive comments.

I first left her in sep 2018 and went back twice - there will be no going back now - it is all forward.

Good job and congratulations MrRight. Look everyone has to find their own way. You found yours. Now stay strong, keep your head up and move forward. Enjoy life now...you've earned it and deserve it.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[MrRight]

Hey there Mr.Right,

Congratulations and well done.

Well... done...

I'm not sure where your spirituality lies.  I am X'ian. And in my faith, I find it striking that all this comes to me here on this Good Friday - knowing that - as the great Tony Campolo said - Today is Friday. Sunday's a-coming!

Well... done ...

Rev

Im not a believer but the significance of resurrection is not lost upon me and the timing could not be better. I will be having a happy Easter weekend.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear MrR-

This is your Spring!  You CAN believe in your ability to hold onto your life and your values.  No matter what.

I am so so SO happy for you!  So happy!

I don’t think you will... but if you EVER happen to feel yourself being pulled back, please come here first to hash it out before stepping out your door toward her.  Please promise yourself that.

You deserve a good, happy and truly peaceful life.  Much love to you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[GaGrl]

You will need to carefully monitor your phone -- she may panic at being alone and attempt a barrage of calls and voicemails.

[Rev]

You will need to carefully monitor your phone -- she may panic at being alone and attempt a barrage of calls and voicemails.

That's a good heads up for sure. Happened to me for a few months.  Same response - few words - emotionally detached - get's easier - stops eventually.

Rev

[MrRight]

You will need to carefully monitor your phone -- she may panic at being alone and attempt a barrage of calls and voicemails.

Yes she is starting to send me texts asking me how I am.

Maybe stupidly but I assured her we could be friends after the divorce.

I am however responding in 1 or 2 words - like - "OK" or "Thanks"

[MrRight]

Dear MrR-

This is your Spring!  You CAN believe in your ability to hold onto your life and your values.  No matter what.

I am so so SO happy for you!  So happy!

I don’t think you will... but if you EVER happen to feel yourself being pulled back, please come here first to hash it out before stepping out your door toward her.  Please promise yourself that.

You deserve a good, happy and truly peaceful life.  Much love to you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thanks for your words - you have all been patient with my bungling.

However - selling the house and moving her a cycle ride from where her son lives - has FREED me.

She had 2 pretexts for getting me back in the past

1. come back and help sell the house (house now sold)

2. I cant get to see my son - I have no transport. (she now lives in his doorstep).

In just 1 week I solved both of those - she has run out of pretexts for seeing me.

It will certainly devastate her when my son comes to stay with me and not her during the summer break. I will have my flat shortly so can accommodate him.

I don't see myself being pulled back - the thought of her monitoring my work alone is a real horror I would prefer to avoid. But I will get back to the board should such lunacy happen. I honestly think she underestimated my will to live and be free.

[Rev]

Yes she is starting to send me texts asking me how I am.

Maybe stupidly but I assured her we could be friends after the divorce.

I am however responding in 1 or 2 words - like - "OK" or "Thanks"

Not stupid at all - you say the simple things you need to and then you move on slowly just like you are doing. YOU ARE DOING AWESOME!

Rev