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Cjais

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« on: February 27, 2021, 05:40:08 PM »

I have recently walked away from my partner with BPD. Whether that will be permanent or not, I don’t know. I do love him very much, but I am at the point where I’m so very drained from everything I have been through with him.

A few months ago, I ended up calling the police as my BPD partner was being very verbally abusive towards me and was threatening to put my head through a wall. He came across to me as being very unstable and unable to control his behaviour. This isn’t the first time he’d had an outburst like this, in fact, only a few days earlier he had began shouting at me and even went to the lengths of saying that it was just as well I miscarried my baby all those years ago, as I would make a terrible mother. As you can imagine, that hurt me very deeply. This isn’t the only thing he’s said to me, in fact regularly he would say things like this to me or accuse me of things, like I snore on purpose to make his mental health worse, that I purposely leave something out of place to torture him etc.

More recently, even though we’ve been apart, he’s been accusing me of being the abuser, that I am narcissistic, that he has been abused more than because I am a nasty individual who seeks out broken souls and trying to manipulate them into my way of thinking. This accusation has crushed me and couldn’t be further from the truth. I have always tried to be I understand, offered help and support to him. I’m very much an empath and often find that my heart goes out to people who are suffering. I have also been the victim of narcissistic abuse in the past, so this accusation really has cut very deep and I am in utter shock that someone can think that of me.

My question is why do people with BPD do this? Why is my estranged BPD partner convinced that I am this awful and horrible person, when all I have ever done it show him love and try to support him?

When I try to explain to him how I feel about things, without judgement or passing blame, it seems to spur him on even more that I am playing the victim and can get away with it because he is diagnosed with BPD, so everyone will believe me over him. Again, this isn’t the case, I am trying to explain how I feel to try and help him understand that his behaviour is hurtful and needs to change.  How can I help him to see that he so desperately needs some help because he seems to be in a false reality where he believes that I am trying to cause him harm?

I have even had to arrange a police escort for when I go to his house to pick up some personal items, because I am petrified that his behaviour will get out of control or that he will accuse me of something while I’m there and he will get the police onto me, as he has threatened that before when at 3am, I’ve said that I am not leaving his house (because I wouldn’t be able to get anywhere) and he’s wanted to kick me out for absolutely no reason.

Can anyone help me make sense of this behaviour and what I can do to help him understand that it isn’t OK for him to do this things and is actually abusive towards me?

I might add, he’s a 43 year old male and is tall, stocky and quite strong. I am a 39 year old female of average height and build and really am not that strong, so when he is in a rage, it really is extremely scary!
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Cjais

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« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2021, 07:07:47 PM »

Also, to add to this, how do I validate his feelings, but also help him to see that I am not being abusive to him,  it simply hurting over abuse I have been subjected to from him?
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khibomsis
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« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2021, 08:04:48 AM »

Cjais,  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) and welcome to the family! I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here, it must be hard for you so suddenly on your own in a foreign country. Is where you are now safe and sustainable? Are you OK?

Don't worry, we are happy that you found this place. It may take a while, but people do get healed on these boards.

There are many tools in the lessons above this section. I would suggest having a look at this article first;   https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
Do you think you have or are ready to acquire what it takes?

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Cjais

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« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2021, 09:57:51 AM »

Thank you Khibomsis.

I am not in a foreign country. I was living in Spain, but moved back to the UK, or should I say, originally got stuck over here due to lockdowns, but I was moving back anyway, in order to be with my pwBPD. However, as you can see from my post, things took a very ugly turn.

I’ve done everything I possibly can for him and tried to give him
all of the tools that he needs to work on himself and manage his emotions, but all I’ve had in return is abusive behaviour as mentioned above. I really do want to help him, but I am just at my wits end and don’t know where else to turn. He’s a big guy, so it’s terrifying when he has a rage, but he always thinks it’s my fault. It’s my fault that he is triggered, it’s my fault that he gets angry etc. When it can be something so small to the rest of us. He once shouted the most awful things to me for resting a mug on the arm of the chair. Of course, I was the stupid one for doing it and had no common sense according to him.

I will read through the post you have suggested, but what else can I do? I know what I can’t do is validate his feelings of abuse, because I know in my heart of hearts that I have not abused him in any way and that his accusations and memories are not real, but by not validating his feelings, he believes I am trying to convince him that things haven’t happened when in his mind they have done, therefore I am gaslighting him, when it is in fact the other way around. He even went on a mission to try and convince me of why I am the narcissist and abuser and used some awful things against me. I am hurting so much that he can think these things of me, but I really don’t know what to do
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Goosey
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« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2021, 01:05:30 PM »

It’s typical from my and other experiences I have read here to be accused of exactly the abuse we endure (endured). It’s so overwhelming nothing makes sense and episodes are so frequent it’s easy to forget what happened hours earlier. It’s actually astonishing anyone can survive and somehow hold onto some semblance of function.
  Don’t feel guilty for one moment for having law enforcement intervene. It will be thrown back on you that you “set them up”!or overreacted etc. but we all know that when they have been called it’s the last straw of desperation and fear for all involved.
Take care and realize it’s a long sad journey getting your bearings back but it’s out of your control. Get used to having spontaneous moments of just shaking your head in confusion about the whole mess. They  do get less frequent as time passes. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a pass for being a bit underperforming while dealing with the emotions of it all.
And be safe! Things can go sideways in a blink of an eye if in contact. My suggestion is to remove yourself from the situation once violence has occurred.
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Cjais

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« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2021, 02:56:52 PM »

Oh, he hasn’t been violent to me, but he has threatened it.

Why do people with BPD do this though? Why do they distort the truth and accuse others of doing things that they have in fact done, like a distorted memory of what actually happened and what was actually said? I’ve been trying to find information on why they do it for my own understanding, but can’t find any decent and easy to understand information.
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khibomsis
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« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2021, 06:17:37 PM »

Here we go, Cjais: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0
Let us know if it makes more sense to you in this context?
I am glad to hear you have roots where you are.  And that your work, etc, is safe. You will be fine.
The tools do help, but indeed sometimes their function for many of us is to leave us with the comfort of knowing we did our best. It may be cold comfort, but it is real nonetheless.
Your best hope for a reconciliation is to wait until he is back at baseline. Allow him to selfsoothe, and when you feel he is in a better mode, try to communicate about your fears. They are valid. If he threatens to do something today, he may, or may not, execute it tomorrow. These are not considerations that belong in any reciprocal relationship. It is hard for a pwBPD to see themselves from the outside, that is at the core of the disease. When OK, sometimes they have no memory, or no comprehension of what they are like in full rage mode.

You don't mention if your boyfriend is in therapy or not? Key to recovery is that he acknowledges a problem and is prepared to seek help to deal with it.
You will get through this one day at a time.
 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Cjais

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« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2021, 12:51:57 PM »

Thank you, I will read through that.

I was paying for therapy for him and he seemed to be doing well with it at first,, but there have been ups and downs. He was then put on Quetiapine following him self harming. I personally don’t rate his therapist, she has done some quite questionable things.

However, when it really went down hill was when he couldn’t get his repeat prescription due to the pandemic lockdown. He came off his meds and went into the worst rage I have ever experienced with him. He was out of control and threatened to hurt me. That’s when I ended up having to call the police as his behaviour was just out of control and I was petrified for his and my safety.

Since then, he’s not wanted me to pay for therapy. I did however get a therapist myself and even she advised not to pay for his therapy as in her experience, people don’t take it seriously if someone else is paying for it.  I don’t know if he’s carried on with therapy as he strongly believes that it’s me who has made his mental health worse because he believes I have been manipulating him, which I absolutely haven’t been.  Therefore, he believes that the therapy won’t help.

This is so incredibly hard. I’ve found something online yesterday explaining what a pwBPD does in a relationship, where they will be in the idealisation phase and love them their partner,  but their fear of abandonment takes over and distorts their mind to then devalue the person that they love and causes them to make up things about their partner, which they then generally believe to be true, when it’s not, it’s a false reality. That made a lot of sense, but makes it even harder to deal with because he’s basically done all of this and has convinced himself I’m this awful and horrible person, all because he loves me!

I had to go to his house today to collect my things with a police escort, due to his hatred of me and unpredictable behaviour. He had packed up all of my things, but also everything that I had ever bought for him as a gift, anything in the kitchen cupboards that I had paid for, even toilet rolls, that I had paid for. It was utter craziness! It’s as if he hates me that much that he wanted to remove any last part of me out of his life, because he genuinely believes that I have done horrible things to him, when I haven’t, it’s all fabricated!

He wouldn’t even look at me!

I was of course quite distressed. His sister was also there and was very apologetic to my Dad, saying that she is so sorry that it has come to this and said that she would be in contact and come over to see me once the lockdown has ended. 

I don’t know how to speak to him now. I won’t know when he’s returned down to baseline or how long he will hate me for. I don’t think he will even read any messages I send him.  Because he has accused me of so many things that I haven’t done, I am prettified that if I try to message him, he will accuse me of harassing him. I don’t even know what to say to him that will possibly even remotely get through to him. The last message I sent him was a screen shot of of a message he sent me on NYE, saying:

“Anyway I’ll let you go and watch some rubbish on tv or what not. Just remember that through all the dark times that we have gone through, I do love you and I don’t want you to think that I don’t or never have ok. Happy new year to you and all of that guff. Xxx”

I sent him that and said “I just wish this version of you come back”.

He’s not read the message, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s deleted it.

 I purposely didn’t take any of the things that he tried to return to me, gifts etc. They are his belongings, they don’t belong to me and it wouldn’t be fair of me to take anything away from him that belongs to him.

I just don’t know what to do from here. It’s awful knowing that he hates me with so much venom, yet it all comes down to the fact that he was scared I would abandon him. When I’ve said to him before that I believe he fears abandonment, he laughs and says the he likes being on his own and it doesn’t bother him if anyone leaves him, so he’s unable to see the route cause of his illness, because his behaviour is exactly that of someone who would idealise and then devalue.



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Cjais

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« Reply #8 on: March 01, 2021, 01:47:56 PM »

And the worst part of it is, I still love him and I miss him terribly.  We did have some amazing times together, even when he was splitting, we could still sometimes have a random conversation about something and a bit of a laugh and I joke.  I miss the fact that even when things could be strained between us, there still seemed to be love there.

And....  despite all of the abuse, there were times when he would actually be so protective over me to make sure I didn’t come to any harm. If it wasn’t for BPD, he would be an amazing person and I can see that amazing person within him. Not just with me, but when he’s spoken about all sorts of things, you can see his passion and you can see that he actually loves so very deeply, and I adore that about him. However, right now, when it comes to me, he’s not that person, he is a monster who wants to harm and hurt me in whichever way he can. 

I want the real him back, not this evil person who has taken over his body and mind!!
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Cjais

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« Reply #9 on: March 01, 2021, 02:44:54 PM »

Interestingly though, he has not blocked me. He has done before when he’s split on me. He blocked me on absolutely everything, WhatsApp, Facebook, blocked my number on his phone.  But, this time, when it feels like the worst of all of the times he’s devalued me, this time he hasn’t blocked me on anything at all.  In fact, he didn’t even remove our relationship status on Facebook. It was actually me who did that, before had properly started reading through things on this forum and understanding a bit more.

Is there any reason as to why he’s not blocking me this time?
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khibomsis
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« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2021, 03:08:39 PM »

Dear Cjais, I have been where you are. It is incredibly painful.  I am so sorry you are going through this! Be kind to yourself, I managed through a divorce once with coffee and chocolate. Any little thing you can think of to spoil yourself, do not spare it.
As for what is going on with your boyfriend, there is no saying. It seems what happened is he went off the meds, felt worse and blamed you for it.
It is good you are reading, empower yourself, Here is one which might help:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0
The Lessons at the top of this board are a useful place to mine, as well as the book reviews in the Community Knowledge Base below. Feel free to comment on other's posts and share.
Having been through a good few recycles, one thing I always wished I had done which I rarely got right was to enjoy the moments of peace and empower myself. One needs huge reserves to be the partner of a pwBPD.
The way you will know he is ready to talk is when he contacts you. Be patient with both of you and work at becoming the person he fell in love with. You are more than the shadow of his projections.
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Cjais

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« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2021, 06:20:24 PM »

Thank you.

That’s the problem, I really don’t think he will contact me. He doesn’t really reach out to people, just locks himself away and waits for people to contact him.

Reading through some of these posts, although I tried my best to help and support him, I think what I actually did was hinder him, which wasn’t my intention at all, in fact, my intention was the complete opposite. I think I perhaps did too much for him, which always upset me as it felt like he never appreciated anything that I did. There were times when he’d say that I didn’t do anything for him. When I’d respond that I did a lot for him, he would say “oh yeah, like what?” So, I’d say “well, I’m paying for your therapy, I make nice dinners for you, I try to give you the things that make you happy”. He would always take this negatively. I would always add on the end that I do it because I love him and want him to be happy, but he would always take it in a really bad way and say that I’m throwing money around to gain control over him, which isn’t true. He’d also say that I cooked food for him because I enjoyed it, not because he needed it, but he couldn’t understand that it’s one of the ways that I show someone I care. Of course, I would always tell him that I loved him and give him affection too.

However, I noticed myself pulling away from him sometimes and this was because I was hurting over the abusive things he’d said to me. He would want to cuddle and get needy. I would cuddle him for a little while, but then make an excuse that I needed to do something. I would do this because I always knew what was coming. It was his pattern. He would get very affectionate and I knew it was always the calm before the storm as a few days later, he would get really nasty with me. Being the usual idealisation moving into the devaluing cycle. So, I would pull away in order to protect myself. However, I think this is possibly why he would then go into the devaluing phase.

The other thing I notice about myself is that I would often point out that what he was doing was a typical symptom of BPD. I wasn’t saying these things to be nasty. I was actually trying to help as in my mind, knowing that these things are issues, means that you can start to address them. However, I think this could have just made him see that I recognised the issues that he believed made him unloveable and unworthy, taking him back to that feeling of shame.

I am thinking now that when he says that I made his mental health worse, these are the reasons why and he can’t recognise that I was actually only doing these things out of love, but that it was challenging for me too and I had no rule book or set of instructions. I was going in blind and although I was researching as much as I possibly could on BPD, this wasn’t the information that I needed. Yes, I needed to know about the illness and typical traits and be able to recognise them in him, but not to bring it to his attention. What I needed was guidance on how to communicate with him, because although I am very good at communicating (and have to communicate at a very high level in my working life), communicating things effectively to someone with BPD is a whole different ball game and skill set!

No one ever told me this!

I also now know that I needed to look after myself too. Having my own space was very difficult. We were in lockdown and stuck in the worlds smallest bungalow! We had two rooms. A living room/kitchen and a bedroom. I had to work from home, so it became quite difficult as he’d often be up late at night watching TV, which would keep me awake as I could hear it in the next room. Then in the mornings I would have work calls to be on, meaning it would disturb his sleep and he also felt that he had to be quiet while I was on work calls once he was up. Of course, this didn’t help matters.

His therapist did offer to also give me therapy and I took her up on it. However, I can understand now that this caused him to mistrust me, as I was talking about him to his therapist. My new therapist is annoyed about this as his therapist should never have offered therapy to both me and my pwBPD and it’s unethical and puts her in too much of a position of power. Also, the therapy was never really about me and how I was feeling or any help that I may have needed, it was always about my pwBPD. She never once explained to me any of the information I have come across in this forum.

I now realise that it was people who were going through the same thing as I am that I really needed. I needed guidance on how to respond to my partner when he was splitting or devaluing and also how to set boundaries and stick to them, knowing the reasons why my partner was doing these things and also how to validate his feelings. It was all well and good that his therapist would say “you need to validate his feelings. You need to set boundaries” but how, is what I needed to know!

These are the things that I need to now try and find out.

I’m thinking about also contacting him with a message to apologies and that I understand certain things that I did wrong, in order to validate his feelings of me making his mental health worse (he thinks I can’t take responsibility for my behaviour, but it’s because I haven’t behaved badly, I just haven’t found the right strategy),  but in this message, I don’t want to come across as if his behaviour towards me is OK, because it really isn’t.  I’m not going to send this message to him now, I will leave it a couple of weeks for the dust to settle a bit, but some guidance, thoughts and advice on how I can get these things across to him would really be useful.

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Cjais

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« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2021, 10:45:46 AM »

I’ve been reading through so much content on here and I completely see that my exwBPD and I were talking two completely different languages.

I was trying everything that I knew in order to help him. What I didn’t realise is that what helps a nonBPD doesn’t work for someone with BPD. It’s completely different. What helps us, causes them pain. I see that now.

When he tried to give everything back to me yesterday, including gifts that I had bought him, including food and cooking items from the kitchen cupboards, he was actually thinking of me in his own way as he didn’t want to cause me any further pain or anguish, because he knows that he would have severe anxiety if there was something he needed and didn’t have it around him. He was also not wanting to cause himself any further pain. If there was something the he didn’t return to me that I wanted or needed and I contacted him and got angry with him for keeping it from me, he would have felt hurt and in pain.

What have I done? How do I reverse this? I realise now after understanding BPD that I’ve caused him so much pain due to my own ignorance! I would never ever want to cause him pain at all, I love him with every piece of me. I changed my entire life to be with him. Although the hurt he has caused me, the abusive behaviour that he has given to me has hurt me deeply and will take time to heal, I do understand that he never meant to do those things to me. He was protecting himself from the hurt he was feeling and the fact that I wasn’t validating his feelings at all.

I don’t know what to do from here. I actually owe him a huge apology and explanation, but I don’t even know where to start or if he will listen to it
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khibomsis
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« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2021, 01:43:11 PM »

Cjais, I am glad you wrote the letter and decided not to send it. He is unlikely to hear anything you have to say at this time.
I would suggest for you to join AlAnon. Bottom line: BPD and substance abuse is not a good mix. You almost always have to sort out the substance abuse before your can address the BPD. Well, there is little you can do to get him into AA, but you can join AlAnon, meet other partners of alcoholics and work on your issues. That way you will be better prepared when he contacts you again.
Two other legs of the three legged stool: therapy and support from friends and family. This last doesn't have to be about you confiding about the BPD, some can take it and some can't. Still, even people to hang out with and distracting you from brooding is a big help.   
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